Thursday, October 31, 2013

If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don’t write, because our culture has no use for it. The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say.
— Ana├»s Nin

I guess I'm a unicorn this halloween ?

I already did a halloween costume last week with two of my main homegirls. We did salt tequila and lime. I was salt. It was last minute but we spent the whole day before on it, and it turned out awesomely I'll insert a photo later. Any ways today is actual halloween and my costume is so far from my original idea it's crazy. Up until two days ago I was ready to just throw together a school girl costume. It would be easy, I'd look good, because obviously I'd make it as revealing as possible. Within my comfort level I mean. But then I was scrolling on tumblr, and I came across a gif of Blake Anderson on my dashboard. I was like I'm going to be Blake, it's happening. I texted my friend, she was like oh my god do it.

So point of the story is, my costume this evening is going to be a dude. A hilarious awesome dude, but a dude. It's funny, I was so close to being sucked into that whole idea that halloween is every girls opportunity to look as outrageously sexy as you possibly can, in some outfit you wouldn't normally wear. I'm not saying everyone does this but it's a popular mindset within society, within my generation. And with my salt, I sort of did that. (it was a tshirt turned into a dress) I mean I saw some costumes that were no where near what I had on. Like I'm talking two pieces of cloth. But I digress, my point is my costume isn't going to be flattering, it's not going to show off my shape, make my boobs look big, or my legs look great. And that's okay. I like the idea that I'm okay with not taking what people think of me so seriously. The only reason I'm making a point of this is because no matter where I go tonight, 99.9% of the girls are not going to be dressed like a guy and it's going to make me stand out.

Then it also made me think about an article I read of a male writer explaining that good girls are like unicorns. You can go read that if you want. It's interesting. That literally the only word I have for it, I don't want to say its amazing, or he's a genius. He contradicts himself and it makes it confusing to understand his point but for the most part I get it. It just made me think that what he's saying "all" girls are doing is no where near how I carry myself. Or my mindset. I know he's talking about the majority. But it made me realize how I think I carry myself, and the decisions I make in terms of how I present myself, or live a "yolo" type of deal (ew don't shoot me for saying that). It's different from many other girls. Like instagram, for example, the photos I would post compared to other people. How I dress. Uhm what else, my lifestyle in general, my sex life. All of that, that sort of makes up who I am. He's basically saying girls don't take pride in themselves anymore, and guys can't find anyone to settle down with.

Does this make me a unicorn? Cause me and other girls like me (my friends) exist, we're everywhere. It just doesn't make a difference. Cause I'm still single and guys are still dumb as fuck. The writer says that about guys too. So I'm not bitter, it's true!

I don't want to hold myself up above anyone else, like I'm better than other girls for not feeling like I have to dress a that way, act a certain way, or work to attract a certain type of attention. That's not even it. Because well honestly, I don't care about other girls..

I've just never felt so confident in who I am than I do now. Despite rejection, and despite not being reassured on a daily basis. I know who I am, I know who my friends are. I'm just saying, it's made me realize new things about who I am. That I can laugh at myself, I can do what I want for myself and feel comfortable doing it. Even if it's different than what I see other people doing around me all the time.

(Honestly, if anyone sees me on a daily basis anyway, they would know that I dress like a teenage boy on most days. So this costume is like the closest thing to my comfort zone. )

Monday, October 28, 2013

You need to go after the things you want

One of the most best articles I've probably ever read on though catalog. In terms of speaking to me, and my personal issues. 

Is right here Go read it. 
It's about going after what you want, and not being afraid of being vulnerable and honest, and raw and full of emotion. It's amazingly done, and exactly how I've been feeling. 
To top is all off. It's by one of my favourite writers on the website. Ryan O'Connell. One day I'm going to have the guts to email him and speak to him, cause I love his work so much. 
Anyway I'll give you a little taste if you're not convinced: 

"We need to move away from this constant need of coming across as calm, cool and collected. WE WEREN’T BUILT TO BE CALM, COOL, AND COLLECTED. If we were, it wouldn’t feel so fucking exhausting all the time. It would, you know, come naturally to us. You know what comes naturally to human beings though? Being open, being messy, being raw, being unfiltered, having lots of feelings. Why should we have to stifle our true nature? Let’s go after the things we want, let’s love each other brutally and honestly, and not worry about the consequences. Let’s release the feelings inside of us and let them land somewhere special. Otherwise, we might have a lifetime of longing in front of us. "

Go read the rest. It's crazy because I made a pretty major decision today. Not to do it today. But to work up to it. And then I come across this hours later. It was like literally a sign. I don't know if I believe if signs, but one has never been that obvious to me ever.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

I repeat myself a lot. But that's because it's relevant to the moment I'm writing it.

I hate social media. There are very few things about it I actually like. And by very few, I mean Instagram. That's the only thing. Even that I have issues with.

Because you literally can't escape people. Because no one including myself deletes anyone anymore. Therefore someone you're trying not to talk to, or notice or get over, you bet your ass they're seeing every move you make on well in my case, facebook and instagram. And vice versa. The thing is, it's not even done intentionally, because obviously everyone else you know and are cool with follow and we'd want them to see. It always just comes off as being thrown in the other persons (aka my) face. Even though, I need to get over myself and that's not the case. That's what it looks like.

Every time I think I'm doing so awesome, all it takes is seeing a facebook post, or an instagram photo, or an instagram like. By the way, about putting the setting on so people on facebook can see the photos you liked on instagram, it's a terrible idea. I mean I look at them because they're there and it gives me more to lurk, specially on someone I'm trying to get over. But I would never put that on for myself. It exposes you. When naturally not many people would be able to see what you liked, it makes it so the whole world can. So glad that's an option and not mandatory. Also glad this person has it on. Even though, it truly stings a little (a lot?) when he likes terrible terrible photos and mine are apparently not worthy of a double tap. What does a girl gotta do? Are you trying to prove some sort of point? I know, It's sad that I care. It's sad that I'll never know what the hell is up with that.

But back to my main point.

It just hit me how much easier this would be if none of these websites even existed. But than again I'd just be wondering every second what's going on in their life. So do they save me that trouble of those headaches that would come?
Am I complaining about something I'm secretly grateful for?

Nevermind, forget I said anything.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Thank you Shonda Rhimes

I've been binge watching grey's anatomy lately, even though it tears my heart apart, and makes me so emotional, and cry ever other episode. For some reason, it's been keeping my mind at ease. I can't explain it. These are all episodes I've seen before but years ago like I'm talking 2006 so of course it's like watching them for the first time. I only remember the outcomes of all the situations.

Any ways, it keeps my mind pre-occupied. I find when I'm not watching it, I'm thinking about watching it because the alternatives that consume my mind, bring on endless anxiety.

I think I started watching it because I remembered the main characters storyline wanting to be with the man she loves for so long, and how patient she had to be, how strong she had to be, and go crazy at times on her journey where seasons later, she ends up with him. I'm not saying this is something that is happening to me, in the sense that my life will play out that way. Relax, I know that. But sometimes when you're going through a situation, it's nice to read, or watch something that relates closely to it. Not everyone deals with things this way, but it's my go-too method, always. It helps me have a new perspective on it, and it reminds me that I'm not alone. That it'll work out and be okay, even though I know that the person telling the story or in the story, it worked out for them right. So seeing it reminds me, flat out in your face. I will be fine.

I can't force myself to lose feelings for someone or stop wanting what I want. But I can make a decision to stop being so miserable, remember what I deserve, and remember everything will be okay.

One day at a time.

Monday, October 21, 2013

" I just need something to happen, I need a sign that things are going to change. I need a reason to go on, I need some hope. And in the absence of hope, I need to stay in bed and feel like I might die today. "

- greys anatomy

Sunday, October 20, 2013

I woke up, so miserable today

" I feel like one of those people who’s so freakin miserable they cant be around normal people, like I’ll infect the happy people. " 
 - greys anatomy s2 ep9

Scratch those nice things I said

My friends are such a disappointment sometimes. I wanted to go to Hoodie Allen for my birthday, long before I wanted to go out for drinks. Anyway, I got my ticket a long time ago. (mistake number one) Because I got my ticket alone, by myself. Hoping my friends would get one too, since they all said they were down and would come cause they want to see him to. So the time comes for the concert, today. And yesterday they both tell me they never got their ticket and they can't come.

I'm furious.

If this was me, if I knew my friend had a ticket. I would feel bad. I would go, because I know they really wanted to go, and I said I would go. This is why I get so fucking mad when people do stupidness like this because I would personally never ever pull it on anyone else. You would think, your friends would have generally the same moral standards as you right?! Believe it or not, thats not the case. I can probably name maybe two or three people I know who have the same courteous, respectful mindset as me.

It literally makes me never want to never ever go to a show with them ever again. Bottom line.

I can't believe this, I've wanted to see him for so long, and I'm giving up an opportunity because they were so last minute to tell me they both can't come. Are you fucking shitting me. Neither of them were even apologetic about it.

UGH I'm stressed already, and wasting money which I pretty much am, because since I'll be getting there late scalping it will be hard, makes me so fucking mad.

If they were super sorry and felt bad and shit I wouldn't be as mad. But they clearly just didn't care and they should have told me that before.

fuck everyone.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

I missed you every hour. And you know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. I’d catch myself just walking around to find you, not for any reason, just out of habit, because I’d seen something that I wanted to tell you about or because I wanted to hear your voice. And then I’d realize that you weren’t there anymore, and every time, every single time, it was like having the wind knocked out of me.
— Leigh Bardugo, Shadow and Bone

each and everyday

I’ll never be busy enough to not miss you.
If I think about it hard enough, I could start crying. Still. Each and everyday that has gone by. For the same reason. At first I didn't even have to think hard about it. But now it takes me a several minutes. Is that progress? It makes me sick that I still feel this way. I go from angry, to devastated, to optimistic and back through the cycle again. Constantly.

While you absolutely have no understanding of this going on.
I want to scream at you. 

Friday, October 18, 2013

My Friday night

old episodes of mcdreamy, most of my weekends are spent at home. I love that instagram makes it look like otherwise though. 

An entire day of peace

Today, being home alone for pretty much all of it. I was able to spend more peaceful time in the kitchen. Being in the kitchen alone, is my favourite thing in the world. (fact: when my mom is home she is always always in it) So when I'm in it by myself, I can take my time, not have to listen to anyone else, bring my laptop down and it's sort of relaxing. See! I need to live alone. Anyway, today I baked peanut butter cookies, which turned out delicious. Then tonight for my dinner I made pasta, which turned out actually pretty good. I was shocked. I was guessing for that whole process but I knew it couldn't have been that hard.

I'm proud of myself, because literally the world thinks I'm going to starve and spend all my money buying food if I ever were to move out. Or make eggs every single meal, which I pretty much eat everyday already. But if I want to eat. I'm going to make something to eat, that I feel like eating. People who doubt me, aka family, need to chill out! I'll survive everyone don't worry.

I also want to start going to the gym again, and stay healthy year round. Instead of just starting full throttle when April rolls around for summer. I want to feel good about myself, in every way possible.

something I'm taking very seriously

It’s important to make someone happy, and it’s important to start with yourself.

Sidenote: I hate my laptop.

I feel miserable, and lonely. But I also kind of want to be alone all the time. I just don't want to talk to anyone. Majority of the time I'm not in the mood to. It makes me really want to live alone. 

I enjoy it so much when no one else is in the house. Right now 12am (not that late but anyway) my sister is on the phone and these paper thin walls are allowing me to hear her voice and laughing. I'm going to go insane. I'm not even trying to sleep at the moment it just bothers me. I just want silence right now. A lot of uneccessary noise comes from living in this house with my family. A lot. From 5am even, most days. 

I've said this time and time again, but I'm so emotionally, psychologically ready and dying to move out. It's terribly ridiculous how much longer I have to endure waiting till this happens. 

Help, someone buy me an apartment.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

This This This

Once the seed of doubt has been planted you can do nothing but face it head on and ask him ‘What is this?!’ And maybe you already know deep down what it is, and that’s why you don’t want to ask. Or maybe you would prefer to carry on in sweet oblivion, but it’s futile, trust me. Once you start thinking where it might be going there’s no way to just carry on going how you are. He’s either in it or he’s not, and if he’s not then you gotta run. Your time, energy and emotions are valuable things and it’s VITAL you choose how you spend them well. As much as you may tell yourself going along with something that you know fine well isn’t going anywhere is, well, fine – whether you may think you want it to or not and whether that’s due to time constraints, emotional unavailability or a serious case of committaphobia – you’ve got to really think how much it is worth it for you to carry on blindly, hopefully and, I hate to say it, foolishly. You’re worth so much more than that. If you feel your emotional integrity and your self-worth are being compromised in a game of uncertainty that shifts temperature between hot, cold and lukewarm, then you have GOT to acknowledge the danger signs of emotional unavailability and remove yourself from the situation.

Someone should want to be with you 100%, even if that 100% doesn’t immediately come with a guarantee of longevity. If someone isn’t in it with two feet, are just content to dabble their foot in the pool when they feel like it then you are missing a crucial thing that should be part of any intimate relationship, official or not, and that’s consistency. I’m not saying they need to be ready to dive into the deep end straight away, but they have at least got to be fully immersed in the shallow end. And I’m not saying that consistency necessarily means you need to be texting constantly, but you need to be comfortable in yourself amidst your times of non-communication that the situation is stable and constant and if you’re not then something is wrong, and you gotta figure that shit out. Why are you feeling insecure? Have you put expectations on this guy that are unfounded? What do you want from this situation? Can you even talk about it with him?! And if you can’t then you’ve got to get yourself to a point where you can. Be clear, be honest and be truthful in your expectations. If they don’t match his then talk about it, try figure it out but never be someone’s emotional doormat.

Everyone’s confused, everyone has their own emotional baggage to deal with, but if you are grown up enough to engage in a one-on-one intimate relationship with another person, consistently, then you should sure as hell be grown up enough to discuss with them your insecurities and issues.

If you feel you are bruised from a previous relationship and not ready to commit then simply DO NOT put yourself out there under a facade of emotional availability for someone to come along and fall into. It’s just not fair. Casual sex and hookups are all fine and well but to actively pursue someone knowing you aren’t able to offer anything, even potentially, is not right. So boys, for crying out loud, save us both the hassle and sort yourself out before you ask me on that drinks date please?

- so relevant soo so relevant

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

It's okay to be alone.

I feel like there is a lot going on right now. With school, work, my psychological well being, not being able to sleep.. etc
I'm for the first time, finding a real benefit to being alone. Having to confide and handle this all on my own, will only make me a stronger person I know that. When I was with my ex-boyfriend, he was there for me every step of the way, and I was able to lean on him when things got the slightest bit tough, to being the worst possible scenarios. Now, I have friends around me, but it's never the same as having that companion and partner around so that's what I mean when I say I'm alone. I don't have that safety blanket, that escape, that comfort any more the same way I used to. I have to learn to handle what issues I have, on my own with little or not help from anyone. I'm going to have to get used to this if I want to broaden my horizons in the future.

A thoughtcatalog article I read today was about
 31 Things That Are More Important Than Being In A Relationship Right Now. It was enlightening, so I will share some of the things I found on it

9. Not settling for less than what you know you need out of life.
15. Being genuinely proud of the person you are or committing to the person you want to become.
16. Taking new opportunities to learn and grow, as you remember that life is a long process of constant education.
21. Being okay with the connections that don’t last and enjoying the time you get to spend with people for what it is.
24. Standing by your decisions, even your bad choices and your mistakes, knowing that we can’t grow unless we fuck up sometimes
28. Knowing what your boundaries and limits are — the things you’re okay with and what makes you feel uncomfortable.
29. Your lifelong romance with Chipotle and Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.
30. Allowing yourself to get angry when you need to let your feelings out and having someone to talk to when you need comfort or a sounding board. Just because we’re alone doesn’t mean we have to be lonely.
31. Never being afraid to want more or demand more.

I want to achieve these things, while I'm still young and able to comfortably take my time being single. I want to gain these things out of life, at whatever pace it comes because that is when I'll be okay with being by myself. Currently I'm always in a state of panic. I find myself constantly in need of feeling like there's a problem if I'm not in a relationship, or I'm not seeing someone or talking to someone. Nothing is wrong with that. This is the first time in a long time, I'm not talking to anyone, or in a relationship and I can't say it's the most amazing time. But I'm going to find ways to make the best of it, and be happy no matter what. I can't say, it's the first time I don't have feelings for someone because I do. That's what makes it harder to get rid of the notion that being single is a problem because I want to be with a specific person. Having feelings is okay, they will either pass with time or subside but I need to let it be, and focus on myself.

These are things that are so incredibly obvious, and have been told to me before. I've been lectured on this from a close family friend but I was never ready to do anything about it, or listen. Me not listening? what's new right. But now I'm going to get my shit together, for myself. Not anyone else.

There are so many other bigger and worse fish in my life to fry, like all the assignments I'm pushing to the corner and ignoring.

Monday, October 14, 2013

“Sometimes the door closes on a relationship, not because we failed but because something bigger than us says this no longer fits our life. So, lock the door, shed a tear, turn around and look for the new door that’s opened. It’s a sign that you’re no longer that person you were, it’s time to change into who you are. It’s going to be okay.”

— Lee Goff
“It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn’t coma back. You’re left so alone that you can’t explain. Damn, there’s nothing like that, is there? I’ve been there and you have too. You’re nodding your head.”

- Henry Rollins
“You will never be able to escape from your heart. So it’s better to listen to what it has to say.”

— Paul Coelh


If you look at what you have in life, you'll always have more. If you look at what you don't have in life, you'll never have enough.
- Oprah Winfrey 

This quote is a bit cheesy, but it's thanksgiving! So happy thanksgiving to you all. I thought this one would be fitting. It stuck with me, so I went and found it. It hit me, because I've been sad over things I can't have and situations I don't want to be in. That's exactly what it is. But there are so many things I do have that are right there in front of me every single day, I simply ignore because I'm always yearning for something, once again, that I can't have. Today is my day to snap out of that, well at least try my best.

I have amazing friends, like some of the best friends I could have absolutely ever asked for I don't know how I landed them but I'm thankful for those people I can count on. I have a roof over my head, the education I worked hard for, a family, and all the material things I rely on everyday to survive aka this laptop. I have my health, and my sanity. My creative outlet, and my ambition. Those are all the major things that I'm thankful for, and bring me happiness. It's a solid amount, yet I sulk and complain about literally one or two things I don't have. These very few things just alter my whole universe, my emotions, my thoughts. Why do I do that?

If something doesn't go my way, it wasn't meant to be. It wasn't meant to happen right now but yet another moment in time or it isn't going to happen ever. Remember that.

Sunday, October 13, 2013


I've gotten so used to writing blog style, here. Daily. Where I can pretty write whatever I want, how ever I want. So now when I write for my friends website ( check it out!) I literally wrote it more bloggy than anything. And he wants it in a more news style. Which I failed to do. I don't feel insulted in any way, because he wants his mag certain way, and he can back up his comments. I just feel bad because he's an editor and I'm a terribly editor and I give him more work. I'm going to make more of a habit to keep my articles longer before sending them in, and keep looking at them. I feel like I handed this last one in too fast. But anyway, all is good. Things will get better. I just need to learn where to draw a line between adding myself to the article since we're allowed first person but still presenting it as factual music news.

Wish me luck on this journey.

Calling people out

Is that my new thing? I don't know, but I'm getting pretty ballsy with it and feel the need to do it with anyone who feels like they can get away with bullshit now a days. People need to realize the shit you pull is not okay, and that I recognize it and I'm making sure you know, what exactly you did and why you're an (insert preferred insulting name here).

I sent another one of these messages this morning. My guy friend told me last night that like something this guy did that I was talking to, he went about the situation in a totally wrong way, and it made me mad that he thinks he can just do that, to me. I don't know who these guys I deal with, think they are. But that's besides the point. I ended up sending a short but sweet message that should be a beautiful blow to his ego, or at least sting a little.

I feel like all women should be going around calling people out more often. It's empowering, it's makes me feel confident. Like I run shit. Which I do, if you didn't know. And I know that girls are out there, biting their tongue all the time, holding back what they wish they could say because they don't want to come off like a crazy bitch. I say this because that's how I used to feel, and I know I'm not alone because the world doesn't work that way. Not only does it make you feel awesome, but ripping them a new one helps the next girl or person in line, so hopefully they'll be scared to do the same thing and get their shit together.

So we need to continue to speak up, and tell the (insert preferred insulting name here) to pipe the fuck down with their bullshit actions.

My friend also sent me the most awesome text a couple days ago, and it said that. Me and her both just want two guys who seriously need to get their shit together and we don't need guys who won't put in the effort of getting it together for us. It was so true, and she picked the most perfect time to say it when I was upset about something. I appreciated her words so much. She told me it's okay to be sad, but we'll be okay without them.

It's just way better sometimes to hear these words from a good friend, who knows you and knows what you're going through.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

fuck this hangover.
I can't believe I'm still alive. Of course first thing in the morning my mother bursts into my room to just talk so much shit and then more shit when she leaves my room. Not directly at me, but loud enough for me to hear. I hate when she does that.

It could have all been avoided but I was careless with keeping the fact that I was shwasted on the down low. Well my friends had good intentions and tried to help. But they called the wrong person.

Friday, October 11, 2013

I am the queen of getting my hopes up. You could tell me maybe, to something that would make me so happy if you said yes and I'll already be day dreaming and pretty be in the mindset that things are going to go my way. They don't normally do, ever. I get let down like someone is going around making sure this happens. Then I'm devastated and this happens so often it's ridiculous.

One of the only people I wanted to show up, to go out for my birthday tonight just told me he can't come. No body understands how upset I am about this. I was so excited for it all at like a solid 10 and now, that bumped me down a few notches for sure.

I don't know why humans beings are even allowed to go through this. I've been better these past few weeks, but it doesn't mean I don't still feel like shit. The hard part is, I don't know how to get anyone to understand how I'm feeling. Which makes it hard to talk to anyone about it. Half of me is like smarten up move the fuck on. Then the other half is like but ugh fuck that, I don't want anyone else so I'll just stay miserable.

20 on 20

Wow I'm 21 years of age, gross. But I totally forgot that I wanted to make this post I was planning to do.
20 things during my year of being 20..

1. I started my first year at my new University.
2. I broke up with my first and only ex boyfriend (one of the hardest things I've ever chosen to do)
3. I got fired for the first time
4. I saw local natives (best show ever)
5. I've been at heavy, heavy emotional lows
6. My brother is a husband, crazy
7. Learned who my real friends are, and how amazing they are
8. I started to take this blog seriously as an outlet for my writing
9. I started and finished breaking bad in less than two weeks
10. I got my first tattoo and second on the last day.
11. I've gained a new sense of confidence
12. I've discovered my, good and not so good dating habits
13. I made the best of an unemployed summer
14. I learned how to do my makeup way better than before
15. Spent a lot of time with myself (specifically because I wasn't working for so long)
16. I saw major lazer three times
17. Went shopping in Buffalo for the first time
18. Gained a better understanding of what I want
19. Regretted hook ups
20. I'v learned, its incredibly hard for to me to let go.

Cause there's this tune I found, that makes me think of you somehow
and I play it on repeat
till I fall asleep. 
- arctic monkeys

Thursday, October 10, 2013

creatively stunted

I feel like it's such a cop-out when I post so many quotes on my blog. But sometimes I have no idea what I want to say. I wish I was so much more creative in my writing. I know everyone is critical of their own work, no matter how awesome it is. Not saying mine is awesome, but even though people I'm jealous of, they probably feel like they could do something differently too. I know this is the case but for me specifically I feel like there's so much more I could be doing to exercise that creative muscle, or inspire me in different ways. I just haven't quit figured out what those things are. I'm going try reading. I need to read. That's my secret I'm sharing here today. I want to be a writer, and I write often but I don't read as much as I should. I know I have to. It's not something I take lightly, and don't think is important. It's incredibly important. So when school is off my ass a bit I need to take that more seriously. That will definitely make a difference I'm sure and it's also a start to whatever it is I'm looking for.

The end result, is to be satisfied and rid of worry like I'm not putting all of my creative energy into something as best as I possibly can. I am trying here, don't get me wrong. I'm just in awe of all these people on youtube, and tumblr, that express themselves in so many awesome ways. I want to do that. I want to be noticed for something so passionate as my writing. I want people to feel how much I love it, I want people to understand and get a sense of who I am through my writing, and have it stand out and be unique and remembered. That was a mistake saying the end result, because I know this will forever be a journey of mine as long as I'm committed to this craft. I just need to feel like I'm on the right path in direction I want to go or think I want to go.

Any way, my shows are about to come on. Hope you all are having a wonderful week.
I'm finally 21! my birthday was yesterday, happy birthday to me. Thank you, thank you.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Can't believe I finally did it

So I have been anticipating getting a second tattoo, since probably the last I got. Which was last fall. I booked an appointment with the artist who did my first one, for my second but then I cancelled it because I wasn't confident he could do it the way I wanted. I ended up finding this awesome tattoo artist at a shop in Toronto. I love her, she did amazing work, worked fast, and had was just one of those really cool chicks.

Anyway I went in there thinking I would only get half of my whole idea for my tattoo, but when I saw when she drew up. I was like DAMN. Forget what I said, we're going for it. It was beyond what I could have thought up, and I would have immensely regretted it if I let that bombass drawing go to waste, or even worse, on someone else's body.

The tattoo turned out beautiful. I love it more every time I look at it. It makes me so anxious to get more and more, and start my sleeve. but I know I have plenty of time. I just need to be patient. In a few years, I'll be out of the house anyway. So I will have to play catch up on all this lost time then.

I've been looking forward to this tattoo for a long time, I rescheduled it several times, cause I wasn't working and I was still on the fence about it. But over time that long span of time. I never stopped wanting it. Part of me was iffy about it because of what everyone would think, which is silly because I have fucking stay true on my ribs. But I digress, I don't think it was me worrying about what people would think, it was me having to explain myself to everyone. I feel like, why did you get it? or why did you chose it? is such a valid question. But, when people ask and assume there is a meaning. I feel like I'm validating my decision to you, by explaining why I got it. It's silly. It's as though, if I don't give you a solid reason, I feel like your opinion of me will change or you'll feel bad for me for getting it.

A lot of people have no idea, how much time I spend looking at tattoos and artists, I by no means am any where near knowing it all, but I know a decent amount. I know what I want. I know how I want my tattoo's to look and I love them. That's all that matters.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

“She deserves better, you say. I say: You’re a goddamn coward. What she deserves is an actual person she can connect with. She deserves you, or me or the entire world; she deserves someone achingly real and honest. She deserves a human being equally raw to pursue her and love her and, perhaps, destroy her emotionally, but she deserves all that as well. She doesn’t deserve anyone’s sugary fairytale. She deserves to float freely, with you, or me, or the world, into the very depths of her own psychosynthesis. She deserves to explore the meaning of the word"intimacy", with someone beside her that will care regardless. She fucking deserves all of it. So, pluck up the courage and be with her or leave her in peace but don’t you dare "sell" her your own "inadequacy"as a lie so that, again, you manage to comfort your conscience and eventually come to feel that you love her exactly because you’re letting her go. Because, darling, that’s bullshit. That’s only you own little self-created lie laying behind a much bigger lie; it’s not even properly concealed within itself, you fucking idiot.”

Monday, October 7, 2013


“I have learned that if you are down, stay down. Don’t get back on your fucking feet until you are prepared to stand. Don’t get up until you have learned why you fell. Nine times out of ten, it is because you were weighing down on someone who could no longer hold you. You gave someone your power. You forgot about yourself. Let me tell you something - there is one person there for you. One person. It’s the same person that wipes your shit and feeds you and cleans up your vomit after a drunken night. It’s the same person who brushes your teeth and tends to your wounds and gets your crying ass out of the shower. The same one that tucks you into bed and cradles you in the night and fights off the darkness and embraces the light. It’s you. It’s always been you. Don’t get off that fucking ground because you see somebody you know or somebody you want to know, or - somebody you can rely on. Wipe your fucking face and get up for you. Because you can. Because it’s the least of what you owe yourself.”
 I wish I knew who wrote this.

The only goal you have in life is to be who you are as fully as you can.
— Bashar

my new criteria

“'I no longer wish to be loved childishly. I want to be loved with the strength and charm of maturity. I don’t want to be smothered by the fear of jealousy and insecurities. I don’t want a relationship based solely upon shutting the world out and locking each other in. I want to be somewhere where I can breathe. Where, even in the midst of a million people with a million heartbeats surrounding me, I can still know the sound or even play the tune, or nod my head to the rhythm of the one I call “home.” I want to call you home.”

Sunday, October 6, 2013

People always say that it hurts at night
and apparently screaming into your pillow at 3am
is the romantic equivalent of being heartbroken.
But sometimes
it’s 9am on a tuesday morning
and you’re standing at the kitchen bench waiting for the toast to pop up
And the smell of dusty sunlight and earl gray tea makes you miss them so much
you don’t know what to do with your hands.
— Rosie Scanlan, On Missing Them

Nuit blache, panic attack, best brother ever.

I went to Nuit Blanche. 

This isn't going to be a post about my entire night last night because, a lot of it is just too much to explain and not worth it. What I will say is that, I could have gone home at about midnight or one if it were up to me. And I was so so so tired. But it was 4am and I was having a panic or anxiety attack I don't even know what it was. I started crying, and I felt incredibly uncomfortable and trapped.

I couldn't leave this random person, I don't even know's condom in downtown Toronto. My ride wasn't leaving yet and I so terrible bad needed to be home. For my sanity. And sleep (my eyes were burning). But mainly because there was no one there I knew but my ride and I didn't feel, not safe but I felt incredibly uneasy that I couldn't go home. I hadn't planned at all to be out that late and my ride had no intention of leaving anytime soon. 

I called my brother crying that I wanted to go home and he said he would come get me. Exhibit a. why I have the best brother in the world because I don't know what I would have done if he didn't get me. I felt bad asking, but I never really ask him to pick me up lately at all. And I never ask him to come get me like that from Toronto. One time in grade nine or ten he did but that's a different situation. 

Anyway, he knew since those two things and my tears on the phone that I was very serious about wanting to go home, now. 

When his car pulled up infront of the building I felt so free of all my anxiety and worry. 

I wouldn't ask my friend to leave and she didn't want to leave, it was her night too. So I don't know if I'm necessarily bothered by the situation she put me in, but I also had no idea it was like mandatory for her that she spend all night till sunrise downtown. This happened a second time. I payed and planned to spend the night downtown for pride, and I didn't know anyone in the hotel room, except this exact same friend. The rest were nice though I must say. And I had another panic attack or something. It wasn't as strong as last night but I was just: I really need and have to go home. Right now. I wasted money becaus of this. I got stranded after missing the last bus at York. I had to call my ex to get me. I felt bad him and his best friend had to come. I went through all of that. That's how serious it was. 

I don't know what comes over me, why I can't just relax. I don't think anything is wrong with me. I'm not saying I can't go out and leave my house, It's just at generally the same points, I need to go home. To relax and feel 100% comfortable. Being in Toronto, so far from
home makes it ten times worse I have to admit. I literally, feel trapped. 

Right now I'm just a bit stressed with school but I think I have this under control. I can do this. I'm just psyching myself out with what needs to be done but I just need to get organize and use this day the best I can. 

I feel like I'm constantly on edge, I'm constantly upset or worried about something or someone. Constantly, weather it's a midterm on Wednesday I'm not ready for at all. Or weather it's money or a boy. Which come on, it's normally a boy and one of the two. School just started and I had all summer to be care free and relaxed. But I wasn't then either cause I wasn't working. Any way, I digress. 

I just need to understand my limits when it comes to how I feel and what I can handle.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Shit is getting real starting tonight

Oh wow. I've been out of the loop.. My blog has followers. What! Thank you feedspot for filling me in on that info since I'm a grandma, to this blog technology. 

They just emailed me how many followers I have and what not. It actually made my night to know that people somewhat are keeping up with my love for sharing my experiences and life on this site of mine. 

I'm so stoked beyond belief. I've decided to commit even more than I already have to putting up worth while, quality posts. On a regular basis. So even though no one is asking me too, for all you people that do follow me and those that will in the future I'm going to make sure you don't regret it! 

Thanks so much everyone. 

I'm off to bake cookies and dye my friends hair because as much as my Instagram makes it seem, my life isn't very eventful. 

rambling about my day

Went shopping today because my birthday festivities are coming up a week from today and of course I have no clothes. Normally it wouldn't be a big deal but everyone is going out for me, basically, and to get drunk. So I feel like it's my duty to look extra hot tamale for everyone.

I purchased a tight longsleeve burgundy jersey dress thing. Actually I don't even know if they're called jersey dresses its just a plane cool looking dress that goes really well with the bombass denim vest I got on sale. H&M outlet came in clutch today. I don't know why I haven't been there before. The prices are amazing.

Now I can stop worrying about that, because I actually was worry. I also bought black knit over the knee socks that are pretty awesome.

Next on the list is alcohol.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

You can’t force loyalty, some people will always let you down. Everybody won’t always be who you want them to be. I’m never perfect, but I’m always genuine, and I’ve realized… People are consistent with who they want to be consistent with. They’re true to who they want to be true to. They’re loyal to who they want to be loyal to. It’s all about choices… So in my life, every excuse just gets you closer to an exit. And it’s no love lost, i just choose not to waste my time with the games… We can be cool, we just can’t be close.
— Rob Hill Sr

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Sleep is my cure for everything

Don't want to deal with homework? I'll sleep it of
Upset and lonely? SLEEP.
No plans and no one to hang out with? I'll just sleep the whole evening.. and through the night.

I don't know, is this a problem? Should I get help? I don't want to deal with anything or anyone and if I could pay money to curl into a ball and hibernate until about, May? That would be awesome.

I read that when you're depressed you'd rather sleep then do anything else. I wouldn't say I'm anywhere near depressed, but I literally am just over, everything. Summer just ended and right now I sound like an ungrateful, whiny, first world twenty year old. But today I was at school and something just came over me, like a ton of bricks and my mood, and my mind, just switched to FUCK EVERYTHING. That exact moment I wanted to pick up my shit and go home. I didn't end up going home because I have the ability to endure the most torturous and painful circumstances.

The point I'm getting at is that, when I go to sleep tonight I truly do not want to wake up. Maybe I'll wake up for my birthday but go back to sleep after that again.

I realize these feelings are only temporary but they're currently overwhelming me. Thank God this semester is going by fast.

The Reality

The reality that I know and relate more to is depicted in this recent article in The New York Times. Breaking news: 20-somethings are underpaid and overworked! Thank you, The New York Times, for being brave enough to reject the current popular perception of 20-somethings having no work ethic. The people that I know, all of whom come from different financial backgrounds, are breaking their balls at their job and getting paid pennies for it. And thanks to Smartphones, the line between your personal life and professional life is getting murkier and murkier.

Oh, how nice it would be to just, like, pop pills all day and watch reruns of Daria. That’s what everybody thinks us awful Millennials do anyway. Even my parents, despite being confronted with the evidence that I work, are confused as to what I do everyday, and I think their ignorance is telling of the shifting workplace. I entered the job market during a time when health insurance, 401ks, and the traditional 9-5 was disappearing. My parents couldn’t relate to this. They didn’t understand the concept of working from home. They thought it meant eating Bonbons and clocking in 20 minutes of work. “You get paid to do what?”

The thing I love most about my generation — and something that rarely gets recognized — is that we’re fucking hustlers. We make it work. We get that money. We’re innovative and resourceful. The odds may be stacked against us and yet we still find a way to triumph. I’m really getting tired of the coverage of Millennials being so one-sided. Everyone harps on how terrible and screwed up we are without recognizing all of the people who get shit on day in and day out at their so-called dream job and still power through. Bitch please.

-- an excerpt from this thought catalog article by Ryan O'Connel
I've been going through a lot of his articles today, and I love his voice when he's writing. I want to contact him. 

favourite place on earth

So I've been to Disney World several times in my life. It's always been in august so everything is pretty standard. Incredible amazing, but standard.

My life dream is to go to Disney World right now, at this time of the year. It will obviously be so beautifully decorated, cause I can expect nothing less from those people, the weather would still be so amazing, well compared to Canada and it would just be super super nice. I've recently seen photos that have made me want to tear up. It has literally never, ever occurred to me wanting to go in the fall/halloween time, or Christmas time for that matter! Holy crap, I didn't even think about Christmas till I just typed it. Like I forgot Disney World and Disneyland are both in hot ass California and Florida.

This has to be done. I feel like this is a very possible dream because this time of the year is my birthday, so making it a birthday trip in the future would be perfect.

My birthday is next wednesday, october 9th.
If ya'll are wondering.

And no one is ever too old for Disney World. If you believe that, then you either haven't been before.. or you have no soul.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

That time of year is approaching..

I was talking to a friend the other day, and it came to our attention how lonely we get during the fall and winter months and why. The past two or three years, I've had my ex around so that's been awesome but I've never really sat down and spoke about how the weather psychologically and emotionally makes single people feel like shit.

School comes around, everyone in school literally hates life, has nothing fun going on or exciting to look forward to. Other than, waiting for the year to end. Therefore, having that someone to keep us amused, and comfort us through these terrible several months of school, Arctic weather, and holiday excitement is the only thing that'll make it bearable.

Then summer comes around, and for some reason it's okay to have freedom. It's kind of silly. But you all know exactly what I'm talking about it. Fall has begun, and the season that emphasis the negatives of the single life is approaching.

Now I could either mope around and be even more miserable then I already am about life, or I can be aware of it. Bug the shit out of my friends, and make the best out it.

Seasonal loneliness is a real thing. If you're single and don't agree with me. You're a liar. I don't condone name calling.. But you're a liar. 

I wish he read my blog.

I wish I wrote the way I thought;
With maddening hunger.
I’d write to the point of suffocation.
I’d write myself into nervous breakdowns,
Manuscripts spiralling out like tentacles into abysmal nothing.
And I’d write about you
a lot more
than I should.
Benedict Smith, I Wish I Wrote The Way I Thought

This is literally how I've been feeling most days or how I feel most of the time. I wish I could put into words exactly these emotions. My obsessive, incessant, maddening tendencies, because that is such a big part of my character. Not to mention I'm always constantly on the edge of a nervous breakdown and all I want to write about is him. I don't want to be repetitive in what I talk about but my personality obsesses over things. I become so emotionally attached it's not easy for me to let go, ever. That's just how I am, I'm not ashamed of it, nor would I say I'm proud of it because I wish I could just be fine, and be cool, and be okay genuinely and not have to fake it till it's real.

Don't get my wrong, I've made gigantic steps forward. To where, three weeks ago, I didn't even think it would be possible at all. I'm okay, I'm thankful things between us are cool and civil and there's still some sort of friendship there. I'm just not okay, with continuing to hope and yearn for another chance. And this is something I can't help. I'm not going to apologize for it because no body knows, entirely what I experienced and why I could possible still be hung up on someone who has so many issues. We won't even get into that. Point is, I could literally scream, over how bad I want to express how I'm feeling.

I'm dying to go all Meredith Grey, "pick me, chose me, love me" scripted shit on his ass. But my life doesn't take place on television, and even if it did, McDreamy still didn't chose her after that! I still can't believe it. But they did end up together, so it was all worth it. Any way. I don't even know what I'm trying to say here, I just feel like if someone came to me, and fought for me the way I'm going crazy wanting to, I would think it over and give them a chance. If someone had the balls, to come to me, vulnerable, wounded, terrified, and pleading with how they felt. Threw all of that on the table. That has to count for something.

And don't worry everyone, if I ever thought about doing this, I would probably freak out on here that I'm about to. So at this point, don't get excited for my impulsive habits to kick in just yet cause if I was taking this whole thing seriously, you'd know.

Oh and let's not forget the last inbox I sent was me calling him a douchebag, an asshole, saying fuck you somewhere in there, and that I would never stoop so low to ask to start things over. It felt good. But man would I look like an idiot doing that, up there, now.
Fuck me.