Thursday, August 29, 2013

There's a name for my need to write things down.

Above is a link to an article from one of my absolute favourite sites, ever invented. Anyway, it's about creating a common place book. Which before reading, I had no idea what it was to be honest, but turns out I'm already doing it.

On tumblr, and this is probably one of the only reasons I will never let go of tumblr. Several months ago I started reblogging a ton of quotes that stuck out to me. They were so relevant and articulated so well what I was definitely not able to explain myself. Then in my mind I realized, the quotes that I love are just getting pushed lower and lower on my tumblr and they disappear and losing them worried and saddened. So I started to write down all of the ones that meant the most to me. Then I can look back on for self evaluation and all that fun stuff later one.

This is in a nutshell pretty much what a common place book is. But it is not always quotations, its anything you pretty much read, articles, lines or excerpts from books, quotes, things that can be used for meditation, writing, and help in any way shape or form in the future.

The awesome part about it is that "some of the greatest men and women in history have kept these books" then it goes into all that historical information which you can read over there. If we want to look at it in the awesome way that I am. I'm basically, on the verge of becoming one of the greatest women, in history.

The article says at first not to worry about organization, which is a good thing because right now mine are pages and pages broken up in my journal. But now that I know this is a real thing, I feel like I need to get my shit together and organize all of it.

It also gives plenty and plenty of tips on what you should do to maintain your own in the article above. One of the most important things, I think is to write it down. Don't highlight it, bookmark it, fold the corner  or make a word doc and then let it sit there. I knew this on my own and you should figure it out too.

WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN. If you don't then it obviously wasn't that important now was it.

yes yes yes

"I want to torture you.. I want to make you crazy for me.. I want you in the middle of the street, screaming to the heavens .. I want you unable to breath, unable to think, unable to see.. I want you.. to want me." 
- August J

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

I'm in need of some of that basic shit..

“You are not clingy, or needy, or silly for having needs for affection and affirmation and attention within a romantic relationship. Those needs aren’t an embarrassing outgrowth of your low-self esteem or depression or whatever messy emotional issues you may have going on, that’s just basic shit that people need from each other. We of course should not make our partners responsible for meeting all of our emotional needs – it’s not someone’s else’s job to make you happy. But inside a healthy relationship, being able to show affection, pay attention, and demonstrate “you are amazing and important to me” is a pleasure, not some task or burden.”

— Jennifer Peepa

If I had a dollar, for every time someone called me white...

" Nobody should feel as if their identity is being erased just because they dress a little quirky. There have always been black people and other people of color who have dressed in awesomely strange and unique ways. White people don’t have a monopoly on anything and everything vaguely alternative and it was so alienating to grow up with the idea that the way I dressed or the things I was interested in made me something I wasn’t. Last time I checked, there was nothing white about wearing shirts of your favorite music act or liking combat boots or wanting green hair. " 

- Ashley Reese 

The best excerpt that stood out to me in an article I found. It relates entirely to my struggle growing up as a young black girl, (still am actually I'm only 21 in a month) who hit a point probably in highschool where I decided to do whatever the fuck I want. It took me a while to get comfortable with this though, I must admit. 

If you knew I had a tattoo that says: stay true, this is mainly why. Because I'd like to think that as long as I'm here on this polluted planet I'll forever continue to do things for myself and not to please others. 

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

back and forth back and forth

I've never known how bad I want something, till it becomes so fucking hard to make it happen. I'm super impulsive. Contemplating my desire, lasts about 10 seconds. But this isn't coming that easy lately. So I need to stop and think, if any of this bullshit is even worth it, if my stressing, worrying and insecurity is worth it and why it would be. Reasons are constantly flowing through my head. Back and forth. And I currently have nothing else to occupy my mind with. So this isn't a fun little point in time I'm in at all.

It's like I see the possibility for something so awesome, and I can't let it go.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Ready with no where to go

Actions speak louder than words. Always? Or just sometimes? Or is it when you want to believe they do? When does this statement actually apply. The thing is I want to believe it's true, and if any of my friends came up to me about an issue this was relevant to I would love to throw this one liner at them. But when it comes to my own situation, turns out I'm a big pussy, and I just feel like giving out chances, taking the other persons side and giving them the benefit of the doubt all left right and centre. It's something I feel like I know I need to change. I mean I feel like it would benefit me quit a bit, if I was more stern about my decisions and was more of a hard ass when it comes to how I react to other peoples actions making me feel not the best.

I don't want to say I'm gullible, I know to take everything with a grain of salt. My optimism is one of my greatest strengths, but I can also be sceptical of people. I have this idea that we never really get to know someone which I don't think is a bad thing. But I digress. Point I'm trying to make is, I'm a positive person, but I hurt pretty easily therefore I like to believe that the reason this person bailed on me tonight is legitimate. I know what it is, but by legitimate I mean there's no secret underlying subliminal message behind it.

This kind of sounds all over the place, and I apologize for that, hopefully you can find the connection between all of it. I was just pretty disappointed tonight. And my opinion about it as opposed to my friends words "Well I could have told you that was going to happen because he's waste" really got me thinking. Don't even get me started on the whole, liking someone your friends don't, topic. That is a whole other post.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Making something out of nothing with this one.

Today I've done absolutely nothing. I cleaned my room. Then watched two documentaries on Netflix.

I really don't want to complain about my uselessness because in just over two weeks I'm going to want to jump off a building because I'll be in school. So I should really, just be thankful. I should also be thankful of how much I was able to do this summer with my friends, with barely working. I was able to still have a lot of fun. I didn't get to go to the beach, go karting, or wonderland and probably now go to the CNE. That I wasn't able to do everything I wanted to makes me sad summer is ending more than anything. But last summer I did plenty of those things so you win some you loose some.

Another fun fact I've noticed is that my blog is getting views. Crazy right?! I'll come back to do something then notice the number increased. Like I'm saying this cause it's not just by one or two. It could honestly be the same person or people. Or it could be a clicked mistake, it could be witchcraft. I don't even care. The fact that more people than I thought out there might be reading my hot mess of a life and mind is mind blowing to me. In all honestly, I was under the impression no more than maybe, two people read it. So that's really awesome and if you got this far in this incredibly boring post. Hey, how are you?

My brothers wedding is in one week exactly tomorrow. I can't believe it's here already. I got my flask. Just need to get the alcohol to put in it and it is going to be a shit show. Specially wearing the massive ass heels I have to wear, which I have no idea how to walk in because: fuck heels.

What else, oh last but not least! I am currently still on the verge of being an old lonely cat lady when I'm older. No big deal though, I'll have dogs too as well a book under my belt about my journey of rejection.

I got a fun life ahead of me! woo!

Monday, August 19, 2013

Reminder: Don't Settle.

Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.
— Steve Jobs

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Wait. Pause.

I just got a fucking job. Yes me. The one who is forever unemployed, has a job. This is the best news I've gotten, probably all damn summer. I'm so happy right now I'm going to freak out. It's also at a store I actually want to work at. The sad thing is, its retail, so I gotta make sure I do really well. But I'm so grateful, I'm going to make sure I do awesome.

I can't believe this.

Like moment of silence, cause the struggle was real.. I started from the bottom with this one.

If I had a dollar...

Fuck, I just got home from a good date. And the fucking person, I would drop anything or anyone for. Right now. Not the one I went on the date with, is making me feel like shit. 
I can't even. Literally, nothing works out for me, ever. It's funny my friends and people think I actually have my shit together, it's not just funny, it's hilarious cause the truth is so incredibly far from. I have no idea what I'm doing, I'm confused and lost and stressed 24/7. I feel like after summer I'll be alone. I feel insecure, I feels undesired, I feel stupid, I feel angry, I feel like I get the shittiest shit end of the stick every time. 

I'm raging right now, rather than feeling like shit it's like. 60% 30% type of thing. Cause I'm fucking amazing, the shit part is that I'm the only one that thinks so. The raging part is that fact that I've done this to myself again. 

Pardon my language. 

Thursday, August 15, 2013

I want to walk away but I feel stuck

I'm exhausted and I don't wanna chase anyone anymore. Right now. I'm sure I'll feel compelled in the future but right now it's just not reaping the benefits it should. I have a feeling I'm back in a super similar situation to someone else.
A situation I promised myself I wouldn't let happen again. I'm gaining the same feelings of being lead on, insecurity,  frustration, confusion, hopefulness, disappointment, and sadness. And any other shitty feeling you can think of that relates. Except anger, I'm not angery or bitter. This is just life sometimes I get that too, no one promised me anything when I went after this person either. 

Unless things turn around though, I shouldn't even wanna be with anyone who makes me feel any of these things. 

Lyrics this time for you instead of a quote.

Do I wanna know?
If this feeling flows both ways
Sad to see you go
Was sorta hoping that you'd stay
Baby we both know
That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day

Crawling back to you

Ever thought of calling when you've had a few?
Cause I always do
Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new
Now I've thought it through

Crawling back to you

So have you got the guts?
Been wondering if your heart's still open and if so I wanna know what time it shuts
Simmer down and pucker up
I'm sorry to interrupt it's just I'm constantly on the cusp of trying to kiss you 
I don't know if you feel the same as I do. But we could be together if you wanted to

- arctic monkeys 
Despite it's relevance this is a rad song by a rad band. 

Sunday, August 11, 2013

drunk post #2 ?

If I ever saw Dillon Francis in real life, like up close and personal.. In a normal sociable setting, minus him being incredibly popular. I'd be all over that. SO fast. I don't even care what anyone has to say.

Friday, August 9, 2013

I need to remember this time of my life.

Times are really rough for me at the moment. Not working all summer has been probably the shittiest thing to ever happen to me ever. Hands down. If we want to get real serious in this conversation I have to pay 100$ to Rogers by tomorrow or, well actually I have no idea what is going to happen to be honest. Maybe they will cut my phone off? That's the worst thing they can do actually so for the sake of making this sound like desperate times, we're going to go with that. Yeah anyways, and I don't have that. At all. So that's cool. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

This is only like ONE problem I'm having right now. We'd be here all day, if I explained everything that's actually happening.
I'm so fucked. I put myself in the absolute worst situation.

When this is all over, I'm going to be so appreciative of an income.

The stage that's supposed to be exciting?

When you're so crazy excited to see someone again it's just stupid.
Me right now, and I'm forced to be for a while.
It also happens to be at a time when I'm struggling to keep myself occupied, cause for everyone's information I truly don't have much of a life. (although It's slightly been my lazyass fault)

time needs to fly by. 

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

“I’m a woman. That means I break hard. And mend like a motherfucker; all sexy and full of heartbreakingly beautiful scars.”

— Staceyann Chin

Back in the game.

I normally pretty much only post or write at night because that's just how I operate when it comes to wanting to share anything. But right now its 12:07pm and I can't help it. I just got home from one of the best nights. No I didn't have sex, since that's what most of my friends asked me, and I bet it's what you're thinking. I barely even slept, and I was borderline like internally uncomfortable because I came from spending a night at a friends, then the day in the sun, swimming and next to a bonfire. So let's all stop and realize that I hadn't been able to get home and turn myself into a clean and presentable human being. Unfortunately, but shit happens. It was still awesome none the less.

Hours and hours spent on a couch probably doesn't even sound that appealing at all either but we all know, if it's with the right person it can magically turn into the most fun activity imaginable. So that's what happened, I spent it with literally the only person I wanted to see. After kicking myself for screwing everything up in the span of several text messages, everything is pretty much back to the way it was before I said anything. Which in a way, may not be such a good thing considering I said what I said for a reason. On the bright side though, I did end up getting out everything I had to say so I'm hoping that got the ball rolling in some sort of direction in this person's brain. So we can one day reach the ideal end result.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

fuck mee

I don't want to do this. I don't want to come on here, and complain. I don't want to sound like the biggest twenty year old baby that ever lived. I don't want to be this upset over something that barely even started. I don't, I really don't. But these are things that are out of my hands at this point. I'm incredibly upset right now. I anticipated this though, because with anything ever in life you never know but I'm still upset regardless. Like I literally, did not even fathom, how much I wanted this person or enjoyed their company, or loved speaking to them. Till I realized, it could all possibly come to an end. Because of my giant mouth, and curious mind of course, when is there ever any other reason? Never.

theres a first time for everything.

I've never written while drunk before. It was bound to happen eventually. It'll probably take me twice as long trying to fix all the spelling errors but that's okay.

I'm feeling really insecure at the moment and not about my appearance or acceptance of my personality, okay well maybe a little of the second but because something I was more so sure about, not completely sure but something I had a feeling was working out, feels in my eyes like its falling apart. Right at that specific moment where I'm starting to get comfortable, starting to let my guard down, starting to grow feelings. I have no idea what is going to happen but. Right now, I feel like shit. I feel like I've wasted my time. I feel like, I was crazy this whole time. I feel like this is what I was dreading and what I expected but thought would be different.

I'm incredibly bold when it comes to playing with my heart, but I still get hurt or sad, or disappointed all the same. I take chances but that doesn't mean I'm okay with having someone play games and lead me down a dead end.

I'm not saying that this has all gone to shit. Yet. I'll have to keep this updated on that part but at the moment I'm super doubtful.

I need a miracle.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

“He looked at me like I was crazy. Most of my lovers do, and that’s partly why they love me, and partly why they leave.”

—  Jeanette Winterson