Thursday, March 27, 2014

“Accept everything about yourself–I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end–no apologies, no regrets.”
- Clark Moustakas
This is why I'm so content with being able to count all my friends on both hands. They know me so god damn well, and know exactly what to say. They know when to be harsh, and when I'm just feeling shitty and that's not the time without me having to say anything.


Times like these I really wish, no one knew about my blog. Just because I'm about to write about how weak I am. I'm about to write about how it'll looks like I put on this persona of being confident and ballsy but how hard I fight to feel this way everyday and it get's incredibly exhausting.

I just had a mini breakdown. Very mini. But it was a culmination of a bunch of different situations that have gone down throughout this single life in the past year. Now I say this because I don't want it to sound like I'm just really frustrated over someone currently. I hate the idea of giving anyone the ability to break me down. But I let it happen all the time. Right now it's more of an all around shitty feeling.

Constantly, constantly putting myself out there. Constantly, being brave and open and vulnerable praying things will turn out the way I'm hoping. Every time. Then it turns around and never ever works out for me that way. Never. Now when I say never I mean no exaggeration, never. How is this not supposed to make me feel dumb at some point? I don't think it's possible for someone to consistently see the same results and just be cool forever. So right now is my time to complain about it, and I don't care what anyone has to say. It would be different if I wasn't always going after what I want and just sitting back and sulking about no reciprocating the same feelings, that would be another story. But this is me honestly going for it and eating shit on my face time and time again.

It's hard to remember how great you are when literally no one you want to see it can fucking see it. Does that make sense. It's just hard. I've made posts about how I know I'm fucking amazing and so on and so on, which I believe but sometimes that decreases. A lot. Today is one of those days. 

I'm trying to be strong, and just tell myself to get over it but I'm just going to let myself have this day to be upset. And tomorrow try to pick myself back up. 

I know if I'm patient someone will come along blah blah. I just don't know how to continue to stay patient when there are literally no prospects around anywhere. It's like how am I supposed to think that something like that can happen when I have no indicator to think so.

I dunno, hands down right now feels like one of my weakest moments I've ever experienced because it's coming from an issue I'm dealing with myself and no one has done anything. I'm upset because of how I feel about myself, and to me that's a weakness. 

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.
- Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love 

Judy Blume

 “I am not scared of you. I am scare of these feelings.”
“Some changes happen deep down inside of you. And the truth is, only you know about them. Maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be.” 
“Nothing matters but the moment. There might be no tomorrow and even if there is, nobody gives a damn.” 
“You can’t deny they ever happened. You can’t deny you ever loved them – love them still – even if loving them causes you pain” 
“Each of us must confront our own fears, must come face to face with them. How we handle our fears will determine where we go with the rest of our lives. To experience adventure or to be limited by the fear of it.” 
“What’s the point of thinking about how it’s going to end when it’s just the beginning?” 
“It’s not so much that I like him as a person, God, but as a boy he’s very handsome.” 
“It’s strange, but when it comes right down to it I never do fall apart – even when I’m sure I will.” 
“I wanted to tell him that I will never be sorry for loving him. That in a way I still do – that maybe I always will. I’ll never regret one single thing we did together because what we had was very special. Maybe if we were ten years older it would have worked out differently. Maybe. I think it’s just that I’m not ready for forever.”

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

The Single Life | The Science of Love

I'm in love and awe and admiration for the honesty, and pure innocence of this wonderfully done series. Previous to this was the science of happiness but the science of love is just as great if not better. This is the first episode I just came across and didn't realize I missed.

It's really good and the single life is obviously something many many people can relate to, including me. It was interesting to see that people's view of everyone else's intentions are so skewed and sort of negative and sceptical.

I feel like I wouldn't have said the things that went along those lines, I find myself giving people the benefit of the doubt way too much. I assume the best, or hope for the most ideal intentions every time. Which has it's good and bad sides to it.

But I would 100% say with everyone else that I would like to be in a relationship. That's a given.

It also made me think about who I would call if I had to tell someone right then and there that they carry all of these qualities I look for in a significant other (which by the way I've never entirely thought about, which I read is good to do. I need to do that). I have someone in mind, but I wouldn't be confident calling them yet because I'm not that sure they have those qualities, whatever they are. Everyone they called in the video are people they've really gotten to know, or have known for a long time. No one fits that bill along with being super all around awesome.

That's okay though.
“Truth is, I’m a fucking romantic. I’m difficult but I promise — I’m not boring.”
— Amy Winehouse, from an interview featured in GQ Magazine

Very, Very true.

Never Date A Girl Who Writes and Break Her Heart (She Will Only Write About You) 

Hella anxious

I never use the word hella. But when I do I'm talking about a serious amount here. And anxiety is easily one of the worst things I get all the time. If I could narrow down all of my really strong emotions that I deal with that I can really feel the most and breaks me down.. Anxiety would probably be number one, and two, and three. I'm not saying I suffer from any sort of anxiety attacks or something I need legitimate help with. And just because those things don't apply who's to say I don't experience it? No one. Exactly, because I do. It's normally a long, on going underlying disturbing an uncomfortable feeling. It's very hard to explain. I don't know if anyone who gets it as well can explain it better but sometimes it's a lot to the point where just sitting here like right now is a lot for me and I can't figure out what to do with myself to calm me down. Sometimes I can't even breath. Sometimes I can't even talk. It's just this weird thing. I wonder if it even is anxiety, by my definition of what anxiety is I'm pretty sure that's what it is but who knows. All I know is that its annoying, and frustrating.

Currently, I'm feeling it so I figured it would be the best time to write about it. I got home a while ago from hanging out with someone for the first time, who I'm super  into. And I have this problem with things like this. Aka, life. I get so ahead of myself for one thing and I get really annoyed and anxious with not knowing what's going on in a certain situation or what the other person is thinking or feeling. It bothers me a lot. I can't just sit back and home for the best a lot of the time. Sometimes I fuck things up because of that. Let's be honesty, normally. Rarely I just let it eat me alive, but that does happen. But I need to leave it like that more often so I'm okay with it. I've built this terrible habit of how I go about dealing with things and I feel like I need to change that. ASAP.

I think it's important to be aware of your habits and the patters that result from them. Good or bad. Being someone who writes allows me to be incredibly self reflective naturally and look at my situations and mindset sometimes more objectively. Which is awesome because I can do things like this right now and tell myself what the fuck?! You cannot pull the same bullshit you always do, don't fuck this up. Something I really really need.

I'm starting to chill out more now so that worked.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Unmotivated. Where the fuck is summer?

I feel like I'm ready to run away or something. This winter feels like it's been going since I've been born and summer could not take any longer. Exams are going to start soon which is whatever for me because I only have one but that just means classes have ended. HALLELUJAH. I say this but the year went by so incredibly fast. I don't know how that happened. This last stretch though has me constantly really saying fuck this to everything I have to do still.

For example, I should be working on an assignment right now, but in my other tabs I currently have youtube and domino's pizza open. Because yes, I'm very seriously considering ordering a pizza. The procrastination and the hunger is too real.

I can't bring myself to care anymore about anything. Even though I know I need to. My mind can't focus very hard lately, I can't put in the extra effort unless it's on remotely close to something I am interested in. I just feel very, blah. I just want to run away, and eat all the shitty food I've been eating lately, not gain weight, and just be happy and stress free.

Why is that so much to ask out of life? I don't get it.
“What wonderful thing didn’t start out scary?”
— Isaac Marion, Warm Bodies

Friday, March 21, 2014


I just watched a youtube video by Anna Akana on how to be confident. It was short and sweet and although many people already know what a confident person actually looks like and what they do. It's much better having it all explained one by one all the different parts that add up to presenting confidence.

Her list was:

  • fake it till you make it 
  • change your body language 
  • practice prolonged eye contact 
  • smile/talk to strangers 
  • get out of your head 
  • slow down talking and take your time  

  • All awesome and wonderful pieces of advice, even though some may be obvious I loved it. It was a little slap in the face of how important it can be to come off confident and how far that can actually get you. It made me really think and take it seriously, because like mentioned before the person who makes me terribly nervous, that feeling of wanting to puke is something I need to get over/hide it like a magician till it's gone. The best way to do that is to obviously, come off as confident as possible! Catch my drift now. That's the main reason I was like damn, I cannot come off looking like an idiot, and then I realized in life I should probably work on some of these things on a regular basis.

    Not to say, I'm not a confident person at all, I'm pretty alright in that category, but everyone can make improvements. 

    Monday, March 17, 2014

    Why You Can't Make Your Ex Fall In Love With You Again

    This. This is the revelation I've had explained so beautifully. 

    Thought catalog - by my favourite, Ryan O'Connell

    It’s liberating when you realize that someone doesn’t love you anymore. Well, at first it’s devastating. At first you’ll be stricken with grief and question what’s wrong with you. You’ll ask yourself what you can do to make yourself more lovable, as if changing one thing will suddenly make you more appealing to a mass group of people. There must be something you can fix inside yourself that will bring all the men and women who loved you back, who once held you like a boa constrictor in bed and delighted in your every movement. You were a gold star they stuck on their bedroom wall until the edges started to wilt, and you fell down. Gold star, little star, crumbled up piece of sticker on your foot that you can’t seem to get off.

    No, no. It doesn’t work that way. We can’t bring anyone back. What’s done is done. Something inside of them switched and they made the decision to stop loving you. If only we understood at that moment how little it had to do with us. When you fall in and out of love with someone, it’s like you become privy to all the secrets of the world. You understand what life is all about, how badly we all just want to connect with someone and feel like we have a partner or a teammate. It’s cruel how quickly things can change, how your teammate becomes an adversary at the drop of a hat. All the while, you keep asking yourself “How can I get the gold star to stick again? How can I get my teammate back?” What you don’t know now, you’ll understand later. Trust.

    You learn a lot about people and their ability to disengage when you get your heartbroken. But I would venture to say that you learn even more when you break someone else’s heart. That’s when it all becomes clear and you’re finally able to get over that one person who stopped loving you. Because now you know the secret. Now you know how random it all is. It’s a scary truth to realize. It’s a much easier pill to swallow when there are concrete reasons why the love stopped — it makes people seem less scary and more rational — but sometimes love is just as irrational as a loss of love. Things stop just because.

    Only when I had the experience of falling out of love with someone myself did I begin to understand it all. Only then did it become clear that my ex didn’t love me anymore period. No ifs, ands, or buts. I could have plastic surgery to look like Ryan Gosling and it wouldn’t make a lick of a difference. Just like how it was with the boy I stopped loving. He could have done anything to make me love him again and it wouldn’t have mattered. In my mind, the doors had closed and there was NO WAY to reopen them.

    Realizing this might sound depressing but it was actually the ultimate relief. I could finally stop torturing myself over “What if’s” and ways to get my ex back. I now knew that it was impossible. Just like I had done with this boy, the love switch had gone off in my ex’s brain forever. It was no longer about me and my shortcomings as a partner. It was about something inside of him changing forever that was out of my control. Knowing there was no hope in salvaging the relationship was the greatest gift I could ever give myself. By having been on both sides of the coin, I can see love in all its screwed up complexities and here’s the take-away message I’ve gotten: Love is there until it’s not. It might have everything to do with you or it might have nothing to do with you. The point is that people change and outgrow each other. Placing the blame on yourself and agonizing over what you could’ve done to change the outcome is fruitless. It’s all chemical anyway. Take the weight of the grief off your shoulders and take solace in knowing that you will be loved again.

    Sunday, March 16, 2014

    “I’ve stopped being sorry for all my soft. I won’t apologise because I miss you, or because I said it, or because I text you first, or again. I think everyone spends too much time trying to close themselves off. I don’t want to be cool or indifferent, I want to be honest. If I love you at 5AM, I’d damn well rather that you know I felt it. If I love you two hours later, I’ll tell you then too. Listen, I won’t wait double the time it takes for you to text me back because I don’t want to. I don’t care enough to be patient with you. I’m happy, you made me feel that way, don’t you want to know? So that’s how it’s going to be. I’m going to leave myself as open as a church door. And I’m going to wake you up before the crack of dawn to tell you that I’m fucking joyful, no pretending, not from me, not ever. Would you like some coffee, would you please kiss me? Here, these are my hands, this is my mouth, it is all yours.”

    — Azra.T “Don’t Wait Three Days to Text First.”

    Be uncomfortable

    This chick is crazy awesome. That's not why I put this video here, but before I get into it's relevance I just want to point that out.

    The reason I put this here, is people a lot of the time I'm super ballsy and I'm pretty impulsive and curious and will jump at the chance to do a lot of things that in the end maybe aren't good ideas but sometimes it works out. Anyway what I'm getting at is that although I have this side to me, and it's grown over the years because I used to have this crazy fear of being embarrassed, I've really grown to be like I don't give a fuck. But certain people come along to make me really nervous sometimes.

    When I didn't know my ex yet, I would avoid him because I was so nervous to even be near him and be in the vicinity of possibly saying hi or having a conversation. Butterflies, go blanks, the whole thing would occur around him. That was several years ago, and no one has had that effect on me since. Truth bomb. As much as I've thought I really liked someone since that relationship it's honestly never happened since. (I just had a quick flash through all the people on that list and wow I can't believe myself. What was I thinking?)

    It hasn't happened since until recently, where seeing this person makes me want to projectile rather than actually speak words to him. This is real. He goes to my school so any of the about five people I actually talk to will tell you this is real.

    This video talks about being uncomfortable, and that't all the more reason to do it. It was a little slap in the face this morning. I won't get into, the whole situation that's going on with this person, I just know that I need to just go for it. Even if it makes me incredibly uncomfortable, the good kind but uncomfortable.

    So here's hoping I don't puke.

    Friday, March 14, 2014

    Zero Guilt

    Watching wedding videos isn't even a guilty pleasure. It's pure enjoyment. Even though they make me terribly sad, and tear up sometimes and at this point in my life feel extra extra lonely. (they would make me tear up even when I was with someone) I still love watching them. Although I wish so badly I can find what the couples I'm watching have found, I can't not be happy that people out there have found it. It being that extraordinary type love. Part of the enjoyment comes from not only seeing all the details of their wedding, but being uncontrollably happy for the bride and groom.

    It's weird. I don't know them at all of course, but I know they're genuinely happy because of this one other person on the planet. It's crazy. And it's fascinating. I can't say I'm convinced this will happen for me (blah blah I know I'm young) I don't care, sometimes it's not meant for everyone, like this might be me in that category and that's cool. Well not really. Point is, I can't say I'm confident I'll find that but I'm just happy other people are.

    It's just your 20's, Fuck it.

    15 Reasons Why Not Figuring It Out Is The Best Way To Spend Your 20s - Though Catalog 

    1. Everyone is just trying to put one foot in front of the other, no matter how much it seems like any of them have it all together.

    It’s always something. If it’s not your job, it’s your friends, if it’s not your family, it’s your apartment. Maybe it’s your relationship, or the fact you’re on an online dating site you always swore you’d never let yourself join. Don’t sweat it, everyone’s got something.

    2. You’ll never be successful in your career if you don’t make mistakes along the way.

    In your 20’s you’re EXPECTED to make mistakes. You’re embarking on the very start of a learning curve that is going to be extended for the rest of your professional life. This is only the beginning. You’re the only one crying in the bathroom over your typo. Everyone else is over it.

    3. In relationships, you’ll figure out what you do want by first realizing what you don’t want.

    So you dated the spawn of Satan. You got your heart broken. Someone cheated on you. You cheated on someone. You hated who you became when you were with them. Whatever it is, no matter how awful, if you learn something about yourself or about relationships along the way, it was worth it. It’s all an obligatory part of your journey.

    5. You’re still (more than) allowed to be a free spirit.

    Your naivety is still widely accepted and even envied. It’s the decade where you’re likely going to take the most chances and expel yourself out of your comfort zone the most. It may all crash and burn, but it’s all yours. Even if it was the biggest mistake ever, you own it, and so, wear it proud.

    6. You can use your age as an excuse for reckless behavior, and just as quickly use it to prove your maturity.

    “Yeah, I went out until 4AM on a Sunday. Screw it, I’m 25.”
    “I’m 25; I’m not interested in being reckless just to be reckless anymore.”
    See, works either ways.

    7. This is the best time in your life to practice vulnerability.

    Be vulnerable, wear your heart on your sleeve, it builds character. You know who you are at your utmost core, shamelessly choose to become it.

    8. Your body is still a machine.

    Maybe you’re starting to feel the after effects of too much partying a little harder than you did in college, but you’re resilient as all hell. Your bod is at its height of functionality. Go on a run every once in a while even if you hate running. Do it just to feel the muscles in your legs.

    9. You can literally do anything.

    Forget all of those articles out there that say our generation has false ideas that we are all special little snowflakes. We are snowflakes, God dammit. New and innovative ideas are coming from our generation. Go after what you’re passionate about, and screw the rest.

    10. Also, though, you’re still going to do some stupid shit.

    Maybe you’re going to get a terrible tattoo, spend all of your money on something spontaneous and unnecessary, or chop all of your hair off and cry every day until it grows back. So what? If at one point it was exactly what you wanted, then be happy you did it. Just, you know, think twice before doing it again.

    13. Even at your messiest, people are still going to think you’re great.

    Not everyone will, certainly, but there’s always someone rooting for you, even when you’ve given up and think it’s the end of the world. Additionally: whatever it is, it’s not the end of the world. (The Mayans were wrong, remember?)

    14. You’ve already proved that you’ve survived.

    In the past two decades, you’ve gone through some unimaginable, unthinkable shit. And you’re still here. Maybe it still isn’t pleasant, but you made it through. And maybe, just maybe, it’s not turning out as bad as you thought it would.

    15. You have so much more time than you think you do.

    It’s just your 20’s, fuck it.


    Broods - May 7th
    HAIM - May 15th
    Arctic Monkeys (yes, again)  - June 21st
    Arcade Fire (still need the tickets) - August 28

    Vance Joy "Emmylou"

    absolutely in love with this fellows EP " God love you when you're dancing" 

    Thursday, March 13, 2014

    It's my mess, and I love it.

    I just went on this girls blog, who I already assumed had a big following cause she's doing really well. In terms of her career and where she's interning she's getting a ton of awesome opportunities. Some of which make me super jealous, but it also makes me crazy happy for her cause it makes me want to work harder (aka tell myself I will then chill). I have no negative energy towards her at all in all honesty.

    Any ways I just happen to find myself on her blog, which is actually very legitimate with the theme and layout, I have to hand it to her. She can actually wear the term blogger proudly. That's what she is, she has a solid following, she gets comments, she's consistent and just wow. Not to mention I went to where she got her theme from, and she paid for that. What? People do that.

    It made me realize, my blog doesn't really have a thing. It has no real direction at all. It's just where I like to let off steam or thoughts or cool stuff I found. That's pretty much it, and I don't think I can even call myself a blogger because I don't think of myself to have a following nor do I publicly share this on a regular basis. So then it brings me to the fact of why am I even worrying about this.

    Well because it's something I started on my own, that I've invested a lot of emotion and vulnerability into and as much as I would love for all these people to take a liking to it and notice it, it just gave me this weird feeling that if I secretly wanted it to grow or gain attention it doesn't exactly have a place.

    I've thought about turning it into a music blog but I'd rather leave my writing about music for and I don't like the idea of feeling high and mighty like my music taste is the end all be all. God forbid I talk about fashion, something I don't really care about or take a huge interest in. Entertainment would just be, no. Who cares.

    I just have to admit and accept that whatever category this goes into, if I've made one for myself  or there is a name for it and I just don't know what that is. It's okay. Because I'm happy with it. I don't want to try to be something I'm not. Being real and honest is something that's really important to me.

    So, not sorry for this mess of a blog I've created. It's my mess and I love it.

    Alt-J "An Awesome Wave"

    Have you ever listened to an album that someone says they absolutely love, but you don't know this person well. So listening to it, like gives you this weird warm fuzzy feeling you're getting to know them really well and getting this intuitive sense of who they are by listening to each track knowing they how much they love them.

    That was a really long drawn out explanation but even if it's never happened to me, you get it right? That's happening right now with this album I'm listening to, knowing it's one of someone I recently got to know's favourite. I love how this happens.

    And it does to me pretty often, specially if I actually end up really liking it. Everyone should try it, when you're first talking to someone I think music is hands down one of the most important things to talk about. It says a lot about a person. I've never experienced it saying anything bad, but it shows who they are in a way that can't exactly be explained with words. If that makes any sense?

    So next time you ask someone what their absolute favourite artists are (because you should) take the time after to listen to an album or two.

    Just do it. I swear I'm making sense.

    Tuesday, March 11, 2014

    Every word of the emotion in this, I've gone through.

    To the boy I never officially dated  - Thought Catalog 

    We never officially dated.

    Not really, anyway. Sure, we went on a handful of cute dates over the course of a month. Sure, I remember the unadulterated joy I’d felt every morning when I woke up to a text from you. And sure I remember the electricity I’d felt when you put your hand around my waist and leaned in to whisper something in my ear when we went dancing on our third date (I still didn’t hear what you said, but I smiled and nodded anyway).

    But we never officially dated. Because after that handful of dates, you pulled away. I was okay with it — he’ll come back, I figured. He just needs space. We had perhaps been texting too much — always initiated by you, I might add — and I could do with some space myself. But after over a week of barely hearing from you and waiting up to 24-hours for a reply when I did, I reached out. And eight hours later, you replied asking if we could just be friends.

    I’ll never understand what happened — I know I did nothing wrong — but I agreed anyway, perhaps foolishly. Because while I knew I wanted more, we were so compatible that I honestly thought we could make it work. And besides, I was still new to the city and didn’t yet have any gay friends, of which you had a lot. I’d heard all about them, and I still wanted to meet them.

    So we became friends. And things went back to normal. You started texting me all the time again and asking me out for drinks (where you were still pretty flirty, but I told myself that’s just how you are with everyone). “We almost dated” might be the weirdest type of friendship one can have with someone, but I’d be damned if it didn’t feel right.

    So why did my stomach sink when you posted that picture of you kissing another guy on Instagram?

    Was it because you had never even mentioned that you were casually dating anyone, let alone seeing someone seriously enough to publicly show off your affections to the entire world?

    Was it because even though we agreed to be friends, I never had proper closure, and as such had retained a bit of a residual crush?

    Was it because it had been less than two weeks since you asked if we could be friends?

    All of the above, probably.

    Don’t get me wrong: I’m not mad at you. You did nothing wrong, technically. But I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been listening to my fair share of “Fuck Boys” playlists on 8tracks. I’d be lying if I said you weren’t still my 3AM thoughts. I’d be lying if I said every time my phone buzzes, I don’t secretly hope it’s you. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still want you in my life on some level.

    But I can’t be your friend anymore. Because while I’ve started saying yes to the guys that ask me out again, I need to stop subconsciously comparing them to you. I need to stop wondering if you and your new guy fit together as perfectly as we did. I need to stop feeling insane, insecure, and irrational all at once. But most of all, I need to let myself be happy again. And you need to let me be happy, too.

    So I’m sorry that I’ve stopped replying to your texts, and I’m sorry that I unfriended you on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. But I couldn’t look at another picture of you smiling that smile that I had grown so fond of with your arms wrapped around someone else, or see another tweet about happy and in love you are. I hope you understand that it’s just something I needed to do to move on as you so clearly have from me.

    But I’d be lying if I said I don’t still hope that sometimes you wonder about me.

    You know when you have no one to blame but yourself..

    Yeah those moments, are ten times more frustrating than even having someone else to put the blame on.. Because chances are, you had a feeling it was coming and you ignored it. Chances are there was more than one sign where you should have been like stop being so fucking stupid and you ignored it.

    That's me right now.

    I'm not mad. Well I am mad, at myself. For not listening to the red flags, or the yellow borderline red flags that popped up every so often.

    No one on this planet wants to a relationship. And I don't know if I even want one, I don't ever know what I want. But why is it that when they wanna make it known that they don't want one, things have to get so weird. Who cares. Like okay cool, that's good to know. I never said that's what I wanted but alright if we're going to go there thanks for telling me.

    I mean I wouldn't mind a relationship, but that's not the point. The point is, I thought that was a possibility,
    and I was cool if things just ran it's course, but I was never gonna discuss it. Now he brought up the R word, which I had a feeling what his feelings were towards it, but it's always more weird after talking about it like this.

    I fucking give up.

    I just want to sleep till st. patty's. Then after that sleep till summer. Then repeat.

    Monday, March 10, 2014

    A plane has disappeared.

    Today my Mom was driving me to get the bus for school, because this women almost made me late and I was sitting there thinking so hard about this guy that's been frustrated me who I could probably stab in the neck. I was just thinking about like what to do next and how much I actually care and stuff like that.

    Now my Mom had no idea I was thinking about these things obviously, it was in my head. All of a sudden during this contemplation of what I cluelessly thought was important she blurts out "did you hear about that plane that disappeared?" And sadly, being the disappointing and embarrassing media student that I am, I hadn't. So she told me the main gist of what's going on.

    There is a fucking plane missing, and no one knows where it is. WHAT.

    I didn't freak out in the car, but my mind was exploding.

    Who the fuck am I sitting here, thinking about the most trivial shit I could possible think about when over two hundred people have vanished using the largest means of transportation possible. Not to mention the tons of families that are losing their minds. It brought me back down to earth so quick, the story and the impact is what made my brain explode.

    There are way more important things in life to think about than whether or not a douche is gonna text me. For example sometimes, others. And not myself.

    It was the weirdest epiphany, and it wasn't even 8am yet. Which means I hadn't reached the point of fully functioning but it was too obvious to ignore.

    Those people are constantly in my thoughts.

    Sunday, March 9, 2014

    Glacial Pace

    I'm starting to get really aggravated. I thought I could be patient and calm the entire time or longer than I have so far and I'm starting to get very annoyed and tired of hoping things will progress. I feel like I'm receiving a very half-ass attempt and I don't want to entertain myself with lazy men who in the end just become a let down. That happens too often. I really wanted to see where things go with this, but I don't see a point any more. Which is really disappointing. I'm not chasing anyone.

    Thursday, March 6, 2014


    “I’m always soft for you, that’s the problem. You could come knocking on my door five years from now and I would open my arms wider and say ‘come here, it’s been too long, it felt like home with you.’”
    — Azra.T “My Heart is Full of Open Windows.

    Monday, March 3, 2014

    Does this make sense?

    Most the time I'm not very helpful in getting my friends to make a decision. Shopping is a big demonstration of this. A lot of the time I'll just say "if you like it than get it" considering it fits them well and it's worth the money. Because I don't want to judge someone for what they like I just want to help them feel more comfortable and confident in making their decision. That's just the most simple explanation of it.

    It applies for pretty much everything. I don't like to tell people what to do. Personally, I don't always like listening to other people. Most of the time. I like to hear what they have to say but most the time I'll probably do what I want any way, that's just how I am. So I feel like other people should do that too, and don't base what they do off my suggestion or opinion. Everyone should just start doing what they want more.

    I mean I have my moments where I just really need someone to give me a kick in the ass to do something, we all do. But I take pride in the way that I can think what's right/best for me most the time. And if I fuck up, I can learn from it and carry on with life.

    You know what I mean ?
    Am I making sense, this is a serious ramble. I should be asleep right now.
    If someone doesn’t care about losing you: Move on. There are thousands of people that will die and kill to not lose you.

    Sunday, March 2, 2014

    Every day

    Every fucking day I miss that kid. 
    No body even understands it.