Thursday, February 27, 2014

Don't think I would just forget about it

Goodbye love, you flew right by love

Remember the way you made me feel
Such young love but
Something in me knew that it was real
Frozen in my head

Pictures I’m living through for now
Trying to remember all the good times
Our life was cutting through so loud
Memories are playing in my dull mind
I hate this part paper hearts
And I’ll hold a piece of yours
Don’t think I would just forget about it
Hoping that you won’t forget about it

Everything is gray under these skies
Wet mascara
Hiding every cloud under a smile
When there’s cameras
And I just can’t reach out to tell you
That I always wonder what you’re up to

I live through pictures as if I was right there by your side
But you’ll be good without me and if I could just give it some time
I’ll be alright

Goodbye love you flew right by love

Monday, February 24, 2014

“There was nothing beautiful about how it ended. You fucked up my life.”
— Stop Thinking Too Much

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Relevant right now

“Anytime you’re gonna grow, you’re gonna lose something. You’re losing what you’re hanging onto to keep safe. You’re losing habits that you’re comfortable with, you’re losing familiarity. That’s a big one, when you begin to move into the unfamiliar.”

— James Hillman

Saturday, February 22, 2014

A year later, I am okay.

I've been thinking a lot about how much things have changed in literally the span of one entire year (next month will be a year since I broke up with my ex). A lot has changed, more than I can even grasp. It will never cease to amaze me how, I can just carry on with my life without this other person who at one point I couldn't even breath without. I needed this person. And now I still can't believe it's reached a point where we don't even talk any more. It sounds so silly but I've never had something this drastic change for me before, he was a constant. For a long time. Now to think it might never go back to that ever again or we may never see each other again, gives me an indescribable uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach, all the time. Then to think the reason I ended things is so insignificant and I didn't even feel that way any more. The way my moods have changed on certain things, the way my feelings have changed towards certain people or stayed the same. I've been thinking about it very often lately, and it's more of an acceptance I'm going through now than anything. I know who I am, why I made the decisions I made, and felt the way I felt and I can't keep fucking beating myself up for acting on them and doing what felt right every step of the way. Even if it pushed people away or landed me here. Here isn't even that bad to be honest. Everything happens for a reason, I'm the biggest advocate of that. I like to always remind my self of the paths I've gone down and the people I've met because the way everything has worked out. I'm thankful for every experience I've gone through thus far, and everything I've learned. Every excruciatingly painful, sad, angry, frustrated emotion I endured for months and months on end, along with the happy, relieved, excited, and anxious ones.

Point is I'm okay. I'm going to be okay.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Things are so good right now, unexpectedly.

This person I surprisingly followed through with meeting turned out to be adorable and we hit it off so well. That whole night was shocking in itself that things turned out well, and I brought two of the best friends for moral support and that the was the best decision because they meshed so well with the crowd.

I'm also going to the Bahamas TODAY. So I'm gonna be drunk and baking in the sun for the next four days. Wish it was longer, but I'm still thankful none the less. So excited.

Things are solid.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Should I #nomakeup or #nofilter so you're aware of these two things?

For real don't know what to do with myself right now. I'm going downtown later but until then I'm rattled about something ( cause first dates are a fucking mess for me ). And I really want to snack on something. So my solution was to eat a spoonful of peanut butter and watch Dallas. Which I recently started, and don't have an incredibly great opinion about but I started it so I'll keep going till something else peaks my interest, cause I need a new show to binge watch. Anyway I'm rambling.

Point is

Monday, February 10, 2014

“Girls are trained to say, ‘I wrote this, but it’s probably really stupid.’ Well, no, you wouldn’t write a novel if you thought it was really stupid. Men are much more comfortable going, ‘I wrote this book because I have a unique perspective that the world needs to hear.’ Girls are taught from the age of seven that if you get a compliment, you don’t go, ‘Thank you’, you go, ‘No, you’re insane.’”
--  Lena Dunham, in an interview with The Guardian

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

I'm actually the biggest mess

Today my good friend came to me with a crisis in her relationship. Now naturally she would have because we're so close.. But I also know she felt more inclined to because I've done and been through the same exact thing. We won't go into the details of it. I'll just leave it at that.

Any way, she was constantly asking me what to do. Lord knows I didn't have any idea what to do when I was in the same situation. I acted quickly and just ripped the band-aid off. My decision allowed for me to suffer as well and I wasn't let off easy in my solution it by any means.

I tried to point out different things she should take into account while making her decision, as there were a number of options to take. But I couldn't confidently tell her what to do. No matter what kind of advice I tell anyone I don't like to flat out tell them what to do. As a friend the most I can do or like to do is be there for them and help evaluate every aspect of the situation so it's been well thought out. Even if it's not what they want to hear.

It just got me thinking like gurrrlll, I am the definition of a mess already. Every way you can interpret the term mess, that's me. I should not be giving anyone any advice. I emotionally don't have my shit together. I don't know what I want, ever. And I make some of the most irrational, hardly thought out, terrible decisions on a daily basis. That's just the reality of my life. I've learned to accept it and try to tell myself, I'm learning.

That's one of the last things I said to my friend, I told her don't beat yourself up for it. We all fuck up in many different ways. But I can promiseeeee you, you will learn from this and because you're feeling this way it will only teach you something in the future.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Staple this on my forehead

“a man that doesn’t recognise that he has made a mistake, is one you need to steer clear of.”
“There’s so much more to life than finding someone who will want you, or being sad over someone who doesn’t. There’s a lot of wonderful time to be spent discovering yourself without hoping someone will fall in love with you along the way, and it doesn’t need to be painful or empty. You need to fill yourself up with love. Not anyone else. Become a whole being on your own. Go on adventures, fall asleep in the woods with friends, wander around the city at night, sit in a coffee shop on your own, write on bathroom stalls, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others, smile a lot. Do all things with love, but don’t romanticize life like you can’t survive without it. Live for yourself and be happy on your own. It isn’t any less beautiful, I promise.”
— Emery Allen
First of all, let it be known here and now that I did love you. I was only ever cold to you that one time because I cared too much. I didn’t know how I was supposed to act when you heightened such a keen sense of passion in me. I could never think normally when I was around you. Some say that infatuation is different from love but what I felt for you bordered in between. I loved you despite your faults but I also crushed on you like you were the best thing since coffee. You woke me up. You did wake me up.

Thought Catalog | To That Person I Fell In Love With When the Timing Was Just Not Right

Monday, February 3, 2014


He was legitimately one of my favourites, not in a bandwagonny sad cause he's gone type of way. I always said it and people didn't understand why. He was troubled with addiction but unbelievably talented.
R.I.P Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

Life as of February 3rd

I don't know why I feel like so much is happening right now, and I've been so slow in writing about it. Honestly it's probably not even as much as it feels like. I spoke to my ex. my best friends scolded me for it. But I don't blame them. I mean it didn't go terribly or anything it went fine. They just think I shouldn't have, even though that little incident happened and I feel I had to make sure it didn't look like I was being rude/dry. Cause I'm such a mess I had to make sure of this, that's why. So I did and it was fine. There's not much else to say about that.

I was really confused about this one person I'm really into, and we finally had a conversation about everything.. I don't know if I want to go into details about it. But he's not ready to put effort after really considering the distance between us and enduring two other long distance relationships and that's fine. We're still into each other, it's just not going to work right now. And that's okay. It's only frustrating because I'm ready to try and put the effort and the other person isn't, that's the frustrating part. Timing is everything. And that we live a significant amount of time apart from each other is so out of our hands, that that's determining it going anywhere.  But it's cool, we'll remain friends.

What else, I'm on a schedule now for so you will be seeing a post from me up there four times a week. At first looking at it. It seemed kind of crazy looking at it at first. But I don't think my friend would ask it of us if he didn't think it was possible, they're also super understanding if we couldn't fulfil it. But I'm going to try my best. I really commend him on pushing me and putting me on certain days because, I want to write more and I need that. Everyone is on a schedule so not only I but several others will be frequently putting up content so check it out!

This Friday I'm headed to New York for the Arctic Monkeys with my guy friend who is up there with one of those folks who make me laugh a ton. So that should be fun. Hopefully we survive each other's company and just returning to Toronto together and in one piece.

That's everything I can think of.. That's worth mentioning.

Bahamas is coming up so soon. I've bought too many bathing suits for this trip not to be the best ever.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

But you can’t let go of something until you understand what it is you’re letting go of.”
“Don’t hang out with people who don’t love you. Don’t try to impress people who aren’t worth it. Don’t try to win people over who aren’t worth it. Focus on yourself, and focus on the people who are really awesome and who love you. Don’t hang out with people who make you feel like shit. Don’t spend your energy on them. There is so much pressure to be part of the right thing: well, you should create the right thing. If you don’t see it, create it.”
— Beth Ditto

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Morning time thoughts..

I dunno what I'm doing. I feel like an idiot right now. Not about my little story last night I told, I'm over that. I feel like an idiot wanting something to work out so badly and someone I can't have and shouldn't want. I feel like something must be hardwired in my brain to allow me to make decisions that just result in getting hurt, or being miserable. 

I posted don't ignore the red flags for a reason. But I'm always the type of person who doesn't listen and is recklessly fearless enough to keep going. I keep going and push the limit to the worst possible outcome. I haven't done that as of yet, but it's normally how it goes. Then I hate myself for it. It's a sick little cycle. 

I feel hopeless in a way. I feel disgusted that it happens so consistently. 

I can't let it get so terrible this time though. Not again. Noooope.