Tuesday, April 30, 2013

the perfect artist has been found

I just made my tattoo consultation appointment. I'm incredibly excited, and nervous to have to hide two tattoo's but, I've done pretty well with one, so what's one more.

and then one more.
and then one more.
and then one more.

the list goes on, of what I want to get done.

Big Questions

How do you define truth?
Truth comes from that gut feeling that never goes away

What drains your soul?
People who aren't genuine

What recharges it ?
Solitude, and writing.

What brings you joy?
Freedom, which I don't entirely have yet, but when I do. It will be endless joy.

What is one thing that you know for sure?
That life goes on. Even if things don't go my way as much as I want them to, or I feel like it couldn't get any worse. Life's gonna keep it moving and I pretty much just gotta keep up.

What is your life's big question?
What is happiness? Sometimes I feel like it get's confused for other emotions, that may not entirely be happiness. So where does real happiness come from? I'm sure everyone has their own definition but I want to know how to be entirely happy and not lose it so often.

questions provided by soulpancake

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Sometimes when I wake up or I'm half asleep I have these major epiphanies about something in my life. The last post was not that. But I had a new one. Then all of that built up emotion and self-confidence about it, slowly does throughout the day.
It's quite sad.

Friday, April 26, 2013

who listens to their own advice?

I have a lot of things on the back of my mind I know I should take more seriously to get me to where I want to be in the future. It actually bothers me a lot, that I just can’t bring myself, to e-mail this person, or start writing this, or do this or go here. I just wish someone (besides my annoying sister) would just shake me. I know that what or who is kind of consuming my mind shouldn’t be. I'm still just playing the young, stupid, carefree card while I still have my tiniest bit of youth left. I'm aware that it is going to expire very, very soon.

I should be taking my time alone to focus on myself and what I need to accomplish. Because if I bring anyone into the picture at any point in the future I’m just going to make it ten times harder on myself.

I don’t understand that I make all of these realizations on my own and it still doesn’t hit me.

There are so many things I want to do after school and places I want to be. If none of it happens, I have no one or nothing to blame but myself. No way will I be able to make any excuses.

survive it

“Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal.”

— Cheryl Strayed

Monday, April 22, 2013

5AM / When I can't sleep, my mind puts words together.

I want to be with you. With you as in right now, there, where you are. With you as in by your side, often. As in when we go out and people ask me who I am or why I'm there, you chime in and say "she's with me". I want to be with you in every sense of the word.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

I'm surprised Sex and The City didn't make me realize this sooner

"Because the truth is that “slut” and the ideas that surround it only exist in girls who are insecure, at the end of the day, with themselves. When you hear the word hissed across a bar as another girl parades by in a red dress and full confidence, it is not really this woman that the speaker hates. It is herself. She was raised to believe that her worth is tied into that woman’s, and that wearing too tight of a dress or drinking one drink too many was going to erode it.
Getting women to see one another as free agents who can do whatever they like, as long as they aren’t hurting others, and be free of moral judgments is one thing. But the beginning of that really lies in getting women to see their bodies as something that is alive and vibrant and deserves every bit of happiness and pleasure that it wants to seek out."

If anyone knows me at all. They would know I spend a lot of my unproductive time on thought catalog. By a lot I mean hours upon hours reading the articles on this website. Cause they're so amazing. This quote up there is from one of the ones I recently read.

About several months ago I got pretty educated on the whole slut shaming business and now I pretty much don't us the word any more. It's funny, there are a few words I literally have cut out of my vocabulary using it in certain context (slut, retard, gay or that's gay, side note: the latter one still makes me cringe when others say it) but anyway this isn't going to advocate for that whole movement. All I will say is to go research it yourself, insecure girls need to stop using the word towards one another. BUT that is not the direction I'm going in.

We're going to focus on me here.

Where I'm going with this is my new found epiphany. For my freedom. Doing whatever the fuck I want. Not caring about other peoples standard of what's a good "number". Or if someone won't like me because I've been with this many people. Or being worried I might get it too high or have it too low. Literally, I have too much confidence in myself and society already has control over me in so many other aspects sometimes. I absolutely cannot let it have control over this awesome part of who I am. Which is my sexuality.

I know high school gives girls and boys extremely messed up perceptions about sex, not just with education but just through one another. I truly feel bad for myself at that point of my life to be honest for not smartening up sooner. But I'd really like to think that after that stage of life more and more woman will start to be more confident like the quote says seeking out whatever happiness and pleasure we want.

I don't know about you, but I can't be running around like I'm going to be getting some sort of second chance at life. It's too short to be that close minded.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

300+ people who don't actually care if I'm alive.

I deactivated my facebook recently. Something I have tried numerous times but I always give in and get back on it, at some point. I guess I was never really ready to let go.  Look me, making this sound so serious right now. It's really not, but it is. Considering how much time I waste on it, looking at stuff about people I could absolutely care less about. But this time is for real. I also don't and never will have a twitter. Which I must say, I'm pretty proud of myself for.

It's really nice not being able to be reached so easily. Part of me is still like "oh no, like what if someone on facebook wants to message me about something?" in my mind.
....who am I kidding, I speak to like five people. max.

That's how facebook has fucked with my mind, it some how made me feel like I have all these friends, when in reality those I can rely on and actually care if I'm alive have my number and will contact me. Outside of the convenience of already being on facebook and clicking my name.

I feel like I can sort of breath. Since most people are too lazy to text me anyway.

My lack of friends is not something I am complaining about, I'm perfectly okay with it. My tolerance of people doesn't go very far anyway. So when I find people who's company I enjoy I sort of latch on to them until they probably can't stand me. Therefore my few small circle means everything to me. It's just so weird how a number of friends on a profile consisting of a bunch of random's is supposed to make someone feel "popular" for lack of a better word. That's probably not the exact word I'm looking for, but whatever.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Game of thrones, sleep, eat. Repeat.

I've been off work since Tuesday. stuck at home. In my room. With my laptop. Trapped in my thoughts. I haven't been this lonely in a very very long time, considering I'm newly single and don't have a boyfriend to bug and keep me company.

The solitude, is nice to a certain extent, I should get used to this, but I kind of wish I could run away from what's worrying me. Considering schools pretty much done, I'm worrying about other things. That I just can't let go. It's annoying. And exhausting. And frustrating.

I'm not necessarily someone who enjoys being around a lot of people all the time. But I prefer spending more of my time with people I'm close with. This is something that hasn't even been happening lately, so it's been incredibly brutal for me.

I know all of my good friends are there for me, they've demonstrated that. But recently I wish they were here physically.

I need to stop complaining.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

I want you. I want your sleepy confused look when you wake up. I want to be the warmth that fills the space in your bed. I want to be the sheets your fingers crave at night; the blanket that wraps around you all night. I want to drink tea with you, share some records we find. I want to talk about everything in the world newspapers. I want to discuss with you, to be stubborn and quick witted with you. I want to have differences between us. I want your flaws. All of them. I want to go in the deepest corners of your mind and never get bored of you. I want to be surprised by the new al the time. I want to look at you like a movie, a living piece of art; always trying to chase what you crave.. and capture you. 
- Elay Neal Moses

I feel like I've only been explaining one side of my feelings on here. Maybe because I'm scared who will see it. Maybe because I don't want to completely expose myself. Either way I'm going to wait and continue to keep some mystery until I feel comfortable getting more specific about what/who, I'm talking about.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

A bunch of youtubers are making these videos called Draw My Life. I just watched one by JennaMarbles, and if you don't know who that is, then you live under a rock. Anyways, I related to it a lot. She's basically been incredibly confused about what she wants, and where she is going, her entire life. Had a serious break up. And in the end she just reassured me what I've been saying this whole time, that I'm allowed to be this confused. I'm allowed to not know what's going on, I'm allowed to make mistakes, and be frustrated with myself, because that's how we grow, and become more of who we are. If I had all the answers like I pray for everyday, then not only would life be incredibly boring, but I would never evolve as a person. I would never be learning from all of these years of life I'm experiencing. Do we all see where I'm coming from here? Is this making sense? So although, I could literally cut someone right now cause I'm so upset, furious, heartbroken, devastated, disappointed and all that jazz. I'm going to just take it as a situation in my life that is contributing to helping me learn who I am.

and if things are meant to be they will be, because there's nothing else I can do.

I can't say I never fought, I can't say I never shared what I was feeling.

Monday, April 1, 2013

third sibling and second brother

He has no idea how much he helps me. When I'm frantic he's incredibly calm and speaks with patience and it calms me down. Cause I can imagine his tone of voice and I know his chill demeanor.
He doesn't judge me, or anything for my stupid actions that I brought upon myself. Gives me his most honest opinion, cause for some reason he throws down some wise shit. And although we disagree sometimes, he has my best interest at heart.

So thankful for our friendship.

Haha he would hate me getting all sentimental like this.