Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Well this is awkward......

This is going to be my new home.

Don't ask questions, just do it. It's going to be less of a mess, cleaner, and the fresh start is going to help me do that.

Thank you.

Wow. Apologies.

I've neglected this blog of mine for a very long time. It's been summer, and I won't say being busy has been the reason because lord knows I don't have much of a life. My mind just couldn't bring myself to write anything that I didn't feel like wasn't going to turn out super shit that I wouldn't end up deleting. I won't delete this though I've promised myself.

I read an awesome thought catalog post today, yes I still stay up to date on those. That for sure hasn't changed and it said to keep pursuing what scares you, that you think you're absolutely incapable of doing. For me, that's writing. One line in it said that she felt as though when she wrote it turned out to be shit and when she wasn't writing she felt like shit. That is exactly how I've been feeling lately. But the whole thing was one of those really cool wake up calls. That I've made this crazy choice of a career that's going to challenge me more than anything probably in my entire life and that's why it's something I'm probably meant to be doing in the first place.

I wonder all the time, if I'm making the right decision, if I should have chosen something else. What ? I have no idea. But I still question myself on a close to daily basis. It was nice to read that taking a path that terrifies the shit out of me can be a good thing and will lead to a place I want to be.

Enough of that cheesiness. I've been super happy as of late. With life. Shit (how many times have I said shit in this post) got real deep and sad and gross for a long while if you travel back. But none of that anymore. At least not for right now. I like where I'm at. I like the way things are going. I have an amazing group of friends. Two more years left of school then freedom.

Summer has been good to me. It flew by quicker than literally any summer of my entire 21 years of being alive has ever flown by. But I got to do a lot of fun stuff, have some really good times, take a chance on dates that turned out amazingly and make the most of it. Financially permitting.

Back in the writing gameeeee, here we gooooooo.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

“I drove past your house yesterday
and wondered if you still remember
how I look,
Foolish, I know.
It’s so beautifully arrogant though,
how you still demand to be felt.”
— and how easily I concede


Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Wow. Yes.

“Everyone always wants to know how you can tell when it’s true love, and the answer is this: when the pain doesn’t fade and the scars don’t heal, and it’s too damned late.”
— Jonathan Tropper, The Book of Joe

Monday, May 19, 2014

Starting with the 1970's

I don't think it's fair that all these amazing movies exist and just because it wasn't a part of my generation I have to miss out on them. So I've finally created a list of movies I must see, starting with the 70's working my way to the 90's

The list is much more massive than I anticipated.

Along with this I want to read way more this summer.

I'm officially going to have be extra content with staying home if I want to accomplish all if not most of this from now till September.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

For the first time

I waited. Something happened that left me emotionally distressed, and I waited. I didn't write about it right away when I wanted to scream and started crying because I knew I would just start expressing how upset I am or how weird I was feeling and that's not the point I wanted to end up making.

After contacting my main friends and confiding in them right away (I've slowly noticed who I have to talk to right away) in those conversations is when I start to realize why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling and that this will pass.

I saw my ex. I went to the movies, and even though this city I live in is so terribly over populated my seat was one row in front of my ex's at the movie theatres. I don't know why the universe allowed this to happen but it did, and I handled it as best I could.

I would have loved to say hi, and be the bigger person and express once again that things are fine. But he didn't allow me the opportunity, which somehow in turn made me feel worse when I got home and sat by myself and thought about what just happened.

It felt as though he ran away. The one with the girlfriend who's supposed to have been moved on, vanished.

Not that I wanted to catch up on life stories, but a hello goes a long way in communicating there doesn't need to be tension when we bump into each other.

I hated the idea of looking at him there sitting, this person I knew. I knew so well, everything there absolutely was to know. And now I don't. It was a scary sad feeling, I felt empty looking at him. That things have ended up where he's become this stranger to me. I hated the thought of that.

The next morning after my friends all asked how I was doing because they knew I was going through a hard time, I realized that I was right back to how I was before I saw him. Okay. I just needed my time to cope with seeing him. And I honestly think I'm getting better at it.

It's been a long gruelling journey surviving this break up, I must say. It wasn't easy. It still isn't easy, I'm having new epiphanies about it all the time and accepting the different facets to how I was feeling everyday. I know things are going exactly as they should be going and I can't keep fighting that this isn't supposed to be how my story plays out.  
Who knows where inspiration comes from. Perhaps it arises from desperation. Perhaps it comes from the flukes of the universe, the kindness of the muses.
— Amy Tan

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Yes Yes Yes

You Can't Let The Fear Of Getting Hurt Keep You From Growing 

That link at the top is my very first thought catalog article. I'm so happy about this. It was pretty much the first thing I saw when I woke up this morning and I've been so excited ever since. I'm so happy with the way it turned out, and I'm so thankful this dream or goal of mine became real.

I'm also so thankful for the kind words from all my friends and family who have read it and actually like it. I mean it would be okay if they didn't because I love it no matter what, but it's still awesome that anyone even took the time to read it at all.

I'm so proud of myself. For sharing this. For being so honest in it, and creating this from a little conversation me and my close friend were happening. That is literally where it manifested itself from.

I need to make this happen again.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Thought Catalog Saint

I've definitely been super lucky lately when it comes to the guidance and help I've been getting from a piece I've been working on for thought catalog. My goal is to have my writing up on this site and hopefully have it happen more often beyond this first one.

She responded pushing me to to organize my thoughts more and narrow down the emotion I'm trying to convey. And then she'll look at it again.

All great advice. It's frustrating that I can't just spit out something that's ready already. Like I'm trying to stay positive and thankful for the chances I'm getting but it's also a little but frustrating at the same time. Not because I think I'm amazing or anything it's because I wish I was able to get this down as easy as it looks like others can do it. I'm being frustrated because I'm being really self critical on my ability to write, well anything.

I know she must see something in me if she's spending anytime at all reading what I'm sending her and getting back to me. These are things she doesn't need to do, specially as fast as she's been responding to me to be honest. She's very quick, I must say.

So this all has to mean something.

I need to stop being so hard on myself because the best thing I can do is take these notes she emailing me and apply them to future pieces I want to submit.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

“I’ve come to realize I don’t need someone who will set my world on fire. My life has a way of bursting into flames more often than I’d like. What I need is someone who will help soothe my burns and remove the smoke from my lungs, showing me exactly how I can learn to breathe again.”
— dw | Ignite

Monday, April 28, 2014

I'm much much happier lately. Total 180 from being super upset the other night. Although I can never thank my girlfriends enough for being there for me when I needed someone to talk to.

Gotta keep the good vibes and positivity going.

Writing wise, today was a good day.

I got a lot done today, and by a lot I mean compared to lately which has been zero to me it's a lot. I need to keep this going.

My submission to thought catalog got passed on which honestly, I wasn't too heartbroken about this time around because honestly after several days went by I hated what I submitted more and more. But the awesome part about it was, how much I expressed I wanted something published and the producer of the site emailed me back. This is the first time anyone has ever responded to something I've sent into TC by the way, and she said they're gonna pass but if I really want something to go up, I can send her another piece I've been working on and she can see if it's game to get published.

And it just so happen after I read this email, naturally I had this really awesome conversation with my friend that involved my grandma wisdom and it inspired me to write about it. And I was much much happier this time around with what I sent in. (because I currently did not have something I've been working on) So I emailed that to her and hopefully since she seems like she's rooting for me that will go up.

It was the best rejection email I've ever received I think. So far at least.

I also recently joined the team which is a music and cool stuff blog by the crazy talented hustlegrl, Karla Moy. Finding something to submit has been looming over my head for the past weekend and today I found two articles to things to cover. Each of them being relevant TODAY. So it kind of worries me when she will get around to posting them because I know relevancy is key to these kind of things.

This is all pretty exciting considering I slowed down for a while on writing and submitting so this is like really getting the ball rolling for awesome things to come this summer.

I need to really stay focused and work hard at this, this summer. There's no option here.
“Do it or don’t. It’s amazing how many things in life are that easy.”
— Henry Rollins

Friday, April 25, 2014

“There are certain
that will always
taste like regret and
stomach acid
on my tongue.”
Michelle K., People I Decided to Let Go

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Video: Why Engagement Rings Are a Scam

This seriously blew my mind. The thing is I took a class called contemporary narrative that told me a lot about traditions and where the silly things we do come from along with why they're so irrelevant now in 2014. But after watching this video, it really makes you stop and question everything in life, and cry that this man ruined the excitement behind this inanimate object.

Note: These are actually all facts and if you know me you'd know how heavily influenced I get by a solid backed up explanation. My feelings have made a complete 180.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Currently learning the hard way right now..

4 Things All Women Learn The Hard Way
Thought Catalog

We are all works in progress, and we can learn from the mistakes of our past and help avoid similar ones in the future.

2. Your friends are probably right - When you are with a man that all of your friends are warning you against, chances are they are right to caution you against said fool. Your friends are either speaking from experience or from a place of common sense that your love-sick self cannot comprehend at the moment. Next time you ask your best friends for some advice about the toxic relationship that is keeping you up at night, actually take their advice. Your friends only want to make sure you are happy, safe, and emotionally stable. That is more than can be said about previously mentioned fool. Your friends being right

3. You need to put yourself first, and no that’s not selfishness -There is nothing wrong with wanting to support others and devoting as much of yourself as you can to helping those you love. However, it is critical to remember that you must have your own back first and foremost. You must advocate for yourself and avoid situations in which you are constantly sacrificing yourself and your well-being. You need to fight against the “people pleasing” personality that leads you to be passive/quiet in situations and agree to things when you are just merely trying to avoid confrontation.

4. Forgive yourself - You are not perfect. You are human. You are flawed. If you agonize over your every little mistake you will go crazy. Take a deep breath and ask yourself, “will this really matter tomorrow, next week, or even next year?” The answer is usually no. When you do truly mess up, then you need to admit your mistake, try your best to make things right, and then move on. Stress is a silent killer girl, and you are digging your own grave with all that anxiety.

It's Called Your First Love For A Reason - and my thoughts.

Thought Catalog

It’s the first time you kiss someone while crying harder than you ever have before, harder than you ever knew you could. It’s the first time you realize that it’s not possible to run out of tears. It’s the first time you realize that the person who can make you the happiest is also the person who can bring you the most agony.

First love — it’s the first time you hold the bow, and let someone else pull back the arrow aimed at your chest. First love is trusting them not to let go, trusting them to protect your heart.

First love is never thinking, or expecting, them to let go.

It’s called your first love because it’s also the first time you feel what happens when it’s over. It’s the first time you’ll feel as though a fist ripped through your chest and gripped your heart, pulling it out. It’s the first time you’ll cry so hard over another person, you can’t breathe. It’s the first time you’ll feel completely helpless, like a baby deer that hasn’t quite learned to walk on its own yet. It’s the first time you’ll feel like you’re reaching out to grab something, then realizing it’s smoke, and it disappears between your fingers. 

It’s the first time you blame yourself for something that perhaps wasn’t even your fault — maybe it was, but you’ll never know for sure — and it’s also the first time you’re entirely responsible for the way you feel. 

It’s the first time you put yourself at fault for loving too much. You blame yourself for throwing yourself completely into the relationship, for letting yourself become absorbed into them, for thinking your first love was going to be your last love. It’s the first time you give more than you have to make another person happy, but at the time it was okay, or so you thought, because their happiness was your happiness and in assuming you’d be together forever, you believed that as long as you kept them happy, you’d be happy. This is the first time you blame yourself for caring too much and, in doing so, losing yourself.

Hearing the words “I don’t love you anymore” for the first time — it hurts, and it hurts bad. Nothing seems to hurt as much as hearing your first love tell you you aren’t theirs anymore.

It’s time to stop living in a fantasy — losing first love is realizing your life is not a young adult novel, no matter how hard you wish it was, and that things won’t work out in the end. You will not end up with them. They’re not sitting in their room every night, spread out over pictures of you, pining away for you and wrestling with their deep, ever-present love for you that they can’t seem to extinguish. They aren’t confused, they aren’t struggling to keep themselves from calling you or walking down the hall to knock on your door. They don’t care anymore — it’s as simple as that, and the sooner you realize this, the sooner you recognize that first love has come to an end, the sooner you’ll be able to move on and enjoy your life and the wonderful things that are to come they way they’re already doing.

When first love ends, you wonder if you even knew what love even was. You wonder if what you had was real or if you felt that way (or if they felt that way) because that’s what the movies told you to feel. When first love ends, you are left feeling lost and alone, sad and confused, and absolutely hopeless.

First love hurts.

When first love ends, it leaves you second-guessing yourself, your self-worth, who you even are. When first love ends, you realize that there’s now a hole in your heart, an absence, a space, something missing. You acknowledge that you’ll adjust, that your heart will shrink back, even though you don’t feel like it will. But when it does shrink back, it will always be a little loose where your first love used to be. There will be scars, and they won’t go away.

 This is so unbelievably true, I've been thinking a lot about stuff like this lately. 

Sunday, April 20, 2014

“Scare the world: Be exactly who you say you are and tell the truth.”

Saturday, April 19, 2014


I need to sit down and right down what I'm looking for in a person. My wants and needs. Right now I'm so confused on what I want in terms of really wanting badly not to settle. I don't care if some of these things on this list come off a little shallow, I mean they can go under wants. Like dressing nice, or being a little above average stylish. Even though we all know I ain't no fashionista I do try sometimes, or like to think I try. So I want to see him try too. That's fair right? I don't care that girls are supposed to look nice and shit, this is 2014 everyone, man, women, dog should look good.

That's just one example. I heard or read somewhere that it's important to make these lists for yourself. So you don't get confused, you've thought about what you can deal with and what you can't and I'm realizing uh yeah this is kind of crucial.

I just don't want to be resentful, or put up with major parts of someone and feel like that big nasty word I said above I'm settling. I'd rather be happy and alone than end up feeling like I could do better/I deserve better.

Oh, and I also don't want to feel like I have to change anyone either. I'm no longer a girl looking for a project or down to start a project.

I deserve to find the person that I want that checks off most the boxes. I understand not everything is going to be fulfilled but that comes with figuring out what's important and what's not.

I deserve to get it what I want god damnit.

I don't think that butterflies, and chills are sustainable. Not because people are inherently incapable of staying excited about each other, but because when we first fall in love it isn't just about the other person. It is the thrill of finding someone who believes that you are funny and attractive, who laughs at your jokes, and is willing to believe that you never wear sweats to bed. Someone who can look at you and see this very best version of yourself and believe that it is actually you. That is thrilling
- thought catalog 

Friday, April 18, 2014

I can't take this anymore

I've made a decision to just go for it and be honest about this massive ass crush I have on this person. I don't know when. Maybe when school starts. Maybe I'll get super anxious and do it this summer but I really want to just be open about it and go for it. I have nothing lose and it bothers me that I haven't been able to make it clear. It's eating away at me that I haven't gotten the opportunity to display or say how I actually feel (in the most laid back way possible, of course). So I'm going to do it at some point.

We'll see.

Sometimes I'm all talk.

But I want to. The desire is strongly sitting there in my mind.

I'm okay

I'm okay.

This sounds so stupid. But I'm fine. I lurked an instagram, that I definitely have been avoiding looking at just now. And I'm fine, I will live. It was obviously exactly what I expected to see. But as I'm transitioning and coming to terms with a lot of things, it really gave me a slap in the face to keep moving forward onto bigger and better things. Which I know will come.

It's just such a good feeling being able to handle it. Looking back at all the bullshit I did, and put myself and others through. It's like everything is just so therapeutic to think about.

I'm proud of myself is my point. I'm very proud of myself. Fore everything. Everyday I'm learning.
“Instead of writing,
I would rather be saying
all these words to you.”

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

This Blog Is Lacking

Music. I don't post enough music on here. Now that I think about it, I hate myself for that. Music is so important to me. Most the time while I'm writing I'm listening to music, or it's the reason I'm even inspired to make a post.

That is something that will definitely change from now on. I'm going to keep this up with what I'm loving and obsessed with, excited about, and been striking a serious chord with me.  

I don't like to come off high and mighty with my music opinion because that's not me and I've said that before so this is me saying right now. It's not going to come off in a way where I know what's best or your music sucks and mine is awesome. I respect everyone's taste and opinions always. This is just how I'm going to give a little more insight into who I am and what's important to me, music.
“It’s like having homework for the rest of your life.”
— David Duchovny, in “Californication”, on being a writer.