Wednesday, May 29, 2013

A Job? Yeah, those aren't really my thing.

I got fired today. Well yesterday because it's after midnight right now. Part of me felt a little bit of embarrassment and then part of me felt sadness and then part of me is just exhausted.

Embarrassed because I wasn't good enough, to where they would want me to continue working there. But only a little bit, because I really like who I am, and I tried my best to perform the way they wanted. I really did and if that isn't good enough then that's that. I guess I'm more shy, and timid than I think I am in my head. Or at least compared to the extreme opposite personality that they would have liked.

Sad because I actually loved a lot of the people that I worked with, they were really cool and I didn't get to say bye to most of them. Which sucks, and now I feel hella uncomfortable even going there to eat at all. Cause of the emotion mentioned in the previous paragraph.

Now I have to job hunt again, and stress about paying for school again. Which at this rate, aint happening and I'll probably just go in to crazy stupid debt paying for school at this point. Which makes me want to not even go back, so badly.

I feel like I've tried every job at this point, and now there's no where, where I can fit and actually have a prolonged time of employment. I just want something with hands-on tasks, individual tasks, or something where I have to write and not interact with people. Cause clearly at this point, it's not my forte at all.

Friday, May 24, 2013

I should be asleep.

Keep it moving. I'm slowly coming to terms with letting go. In no way am I mad for how long it has taken. I just knew if things have not turned out the way I would have liked this was bound to happen eventually. It's weird, I don't want to draw to much attention to it, cause then it might stop. But I'm still proud of myself. For dealing with it in the way that I have.

I have stressed and yearned for someone who is in no way deserving of a thought in my mind, let alone, the anxiety and frustration that comes with it. I can be told it time and time again that I'm wasting my time, or to forget about it, but it doesn't happen that way. So I've started to ignore that advice and the lack of impact it has. I've just been waiting for me to realize it and be comfortable with it on my own. On my own time. And I'm getting there and I love it.

Now don't hold this against me for the rest of my life. I mean, I can only pray, and hope that this continues and the control over me won't ever come back in the future. But I have no idea what will happen. I just know I'm trying to be happy right now. Without this person in any way shape or form being the reason for my happiness.. or unhappiness.

make sense?

Thursday, May 23, 2013

“I give myself five days to forget you.
on the first day I rust.
on the second I wilt.
on the third day I sit with friends but I think about your tongue.
I clean my room on the fourth day. I clean my body on the fourth day.
I try to replace your scent on the fourth day.
the fifth day, I adorn myself like the mouth of an inmate.
a wedding singer dressed in borrowed gold.
the midas of cheap metal.
tinsel in the middle of summer.
crevice glitter, two days after the party.
I glow the way unwanted things do,
a neon sign that reads;
come, I still taste like someone else’s mouth.”

— Warsan Shire

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

I feel like my mood is changing, from one extreme to the next. Quickly and often. This is giving me a super uneasy and uncomfortable feeling. It's hard to explain.The only thing I can do is try to write and decipher what's making me feel so sad. Then after that, letting out what is making me happy. Then what makes me feel lonely, and undesired. In my hopes to try and reach more of a sense of ease with myself.

This is all sounding like it's not making much sense. I just feel like trivial things are having a strong impact on me more than they should.

I need to relax. like truly relax.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Self-Esteem is still in check.

I only realize how strong of a person I am and my resilience as a human being, when I endure rejection. There is no other time, where I display a clear example to myself that I can handle not being accepted in the way I'd hoped or not being looked at in a certain way. That I can continue to put a smile on my face, and sometimes pretend like it doesn't even phase me at all is one hell of a good job on my part.

It's one part of who I am that I am incredibly proud of. I'm not saying it does not effect me. It definitely does. I promise you that. But I don't let it effect how I see myself or let it impact my emotional state to a serious degree. I've spent a lot of time, trying to become comfortable with who I am. In no way shape or form does going through this make me question who I am.

I've reached a point where I'm beyond automatically calling the person, dumb, or an asshole, or rude. That's never been the case and it's always easier to resort to that then to just admit they're simply not interested. What I chose to do after that is up to me but resorting to viewing a person negatively because my feelings have been hurt by something so out of the control. In the sense that, they are just playing off how they feel. Is silly.

I'm an awesome person. Bottom line. No doubt about it. The hardest part about it is, realizing that this other person you so badly hope can see it. Doesnt't.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

how does this dating thing work again?

Today I spent the evening with someone I've been texting for quit a long time. Well the big deal is, that it was the first time we had hung out after talking for a significant amount of time. I'd had already been super interested in getting to know this person before today. And I understand speaking to someone through a distant form of communication such as text message, is absolutely nothing like real life. Therefore I tried my best not to get my hopes up, that the conversation, and how comfortable it was to be the same. But it turned out to not be so different.

I've always found people I'm interested in to have a good amount of intelligence. A quality I look for in someone and this person holds that quality to the highest degree out of probably anyone that I know. It's one thing I also find incredibly attractive about them as well. He checks off in all the other boxes, but we all know sometimes that just isn't enough. This time it's more than enough.

It's terrifying to feel so much like you want to know everything about someone. I feel a sense of vulnerability again that I haven't felt in a long time. Well with anyone new at least. That's a feeling that's lingered for many years with specific people in my life. Eventually it sort of turned old and stale and I don't even pay attention to it any more. Right now it's fresh and alive, and it scares me just to the think that this person now has the power to make me feel sad, and desperate any minute. I mean, not that this person is aware of their power as of yet, but they could have this happen and not even realize they're doing it all the same.

I've been waiting so long to spend time with this person. I can't believe I'm back at home already. I literally just want to go back and do it all over again. Not because it wasn't great, I just feel like it all happened so fast.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Sometimes I want to recite quotes to people I know.

“If people want to let you go, just let them do it. They may not understand who you are. So don’t play around with fire; don’t give them their cake and let them eat it too. Here is your rule of thumb: they either commit to you or get none of you.”

— Joey Furjanic

Thursday, May 16, 2013

words to live by

“So you plant your own garden and
decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
for someone to bring you flowers.”
— Jorge Luis Borge
“I could start fires with what I feel for you.”

— Fires, David Ramirez

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

My thoughts on a Tuesday night

What do I want? 
There are actually hundreds of thousands physical objects I can list that I want. I'm the queen of wanting things, or as I like to justify it, needing things. But things I want in life that I can't actually grasp with my hands, I have a list of those too. 

I want happiness. Alone, with myself. I want to be entirely fulfilled, and when someone comes along to simply add to it. I want a strong romance when they come, even if it's harder and it hurts more. I want confidence in who I am, and who I'm turning out to be. Physical confidence would be nice too. That actually lasts and doesn't fade from day to day. I want more faith that things are going to be okay. Let's not shoot our minds straight to religious faith, but just something that goes a different direction. That "this too shall pass" cliche that, down the road I'll have survived and done fine. I want excitement. I want adventure. 

I want sleep. Is what I truly want right now. I'm incredibly tired. 

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Other people always say it better than I can

“Sometimes, I feel the past and the future pressing so hard on either side that there’s no room for the present at all.”

— Evelyn Waugh

Friday, May 10, 2013

sweet baby jesus!

The Great Gatsby was so incredibly good. Please don't mind the amount of times I'm about to say like but. I'm like freaking out. The whole time I was thinking Leonardo DiCaprio needs to take me now, my body is ready. He was so perfect. Not just perfect looking but his acting was too amazing.

I loved every second of it. And I want to see it again. Anyone willing to see it again with me ?

That movie was well worth the wait. Like holy shit.

Like how can someone create something so good. It's too much.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

“Once someone’s hurt you, it’s harder to relax around them, harder to think of them as safe to love. But it doesn’t stop you from wanting them.” 
— White Cat by Holly Black

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

They were all necessary I swear!

I need to stop spending invisible money.
My last few big purchases on my credit card have been:

Mad Decent Ticktets
A Yoga Mat
And Running Shoes
(that's all I can think of right now)  

All three things in support of me either having an awesome summer, or a solid body. Which in my eye seems pretty worth it.

But now I need to stop. Like for real.

...someone come take my credit card..

Monday, May 6, 2013

the next 30 days

I signed up for yoga today with a friend. We have the next 30 days to go as often as we want. So of course to get our monies worth, we are going every single day for 30 days. Which is going to take a toll on our bodies in a good and bad way. Good because they'll be solid, and awesome for summer. Bad because we will probably be sore a lot. But it will all be worth it.

Hopefully this whole mediation, relieving my body of stress, and strengthening and flexibility journey is all it's cracked up to be. I'm anticipating a ton of positive results from committing to this. I feel like the only way to be aware of them is to document it throughout.

Do I need to sell my soul? Cause I'm down.

What I want more than ever is to move out. If there was anything I could right now to make it happen ten times faster I would do it in a heartbeat.

Everyday my want for my freedom and solitude increases immensely. I literally find myself constantly day dreaming about what it would be like.

I don't care if I'm going to live in a two by two foot box. I don't care if I can only afford froot loops for every single meal. I don't care if my family says no. When it's possible, I'm out.

At the beginning it was always just like a whatever thought. But these past several months I've never known I was ready for anything more.

It's not to say I'm running away from the problems my family causes me. That's not the case. Considering they'll still be in my life. I just need to experience living away, for myself. Where I can be reserved, and not bothered and annoyed and not have people complain about my personality. When in actuality there is nothing to complain about.

Oh my god, it's going to be the greatest most glorious day.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Damn Oscar, right on point.

“The only one you need in your life is that person who shows you he needs you in his.”

— Oscar Wilde

Why have most girls been brainwashed into thinking it’s not okay to ask a guy out first? (Key word: most. I know you go getter chicks out there don't give a fuck. I hear you.) Or automatically be in hopes he’ll ask us girls out first? And why is it that the girl can come off as desperate so easily when it comes to pursuing a guy in any sort of aggressive way, for example like he would go about it, making plans, first moves etc.

Why can’t it all just be fair game?

I say this as I continue to carry out these silly rules.