Tuesday, October 1, 2013

I wish he read my blog.

I wish I wrote the way I thought;
Obsessively,
Incessantly,
With maddening hunger.
I’d write to the point of suffocation.
I’d write myself into nervous breakdowns,
Manuscripts spiralling out like tentacles into abysmal nothing.
And I’d write about you
a lot more
than I should.
Benedict Smith, I Wish I Wrote The Way I Thought

This is literally how I've been feeling most days or how I feel most of the time. I wish I could put into words exactly these emotions. My obsessive, incessant, maddening tendencies, because that is such a big part of my character. Not to mention I'm always constantly on the edge of a nervous breakdown and all I want to write about is him. I don't want to be repetitive in what I talk about but my personality obsesses over things. I become so emotionally attached it's not easy for me to let go, ever. That's just how I am, I'm not ashamed of it, nor would I say I'm proud of it because I wish I could just be fine, and be cool, and be okay genuinely and not have to fake it till it's real.

Don't get my wrong, I've made gigantic steps forward. To where, three weeks ago, I didn't even think it would be possible at all. I'm okay, I'm thankful things between us are cool and civil and there's still some sort of friendship there. I'm just not okay, with continuing to hope and yearn for another chance. And this is something I can't help. I'm not going to apologize for it because no body knows, entirely what I experienced and why I could possible still be hung up on someone who has so many issues. We won't even get into that. Point is, I could literally scream, over how bad I want to express how I'm feeling.

I'm dying to go all Meredith Grey, "pick me, chose me, love me" scripted shit on his ass. But my life doesn't take place on television, and even if it did, McDreamy still didn't chose her after that! I still can't believe it. But they did end up together, so it was all worth it. Any way. I don't even know what I'm trying to say here, I just feel like if someone came to me, and fought for me the way I'm going crazy wanting to, I would think it over and give them a chance. If someone had the balls, to come to me, vulnerable, wounded, terrified, and pleading with how they felt. Threw all of that on the table. That has to count for something.

And don't worry everyone, if I ever thought about doing this, I would probably freak out on here that I'm about to. So at this point, don't get excited for my impulsive habits to kick in just yet cause if I was taking this whole thing seriously, you'd know.



Oh and let's not forget the last inbox I sent was me calling him a douchebag, an asshole, saying fuck you somewhere in there, and that I would never stoop so low to ask to start things over. It felt good. But man would I look like an idiot doing that, up there, now.
Fuck me.

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