Sunday, October 6, 2013

Nuit blache, panic attack, best brother ever.

I went to Nuit Blanche. 

This isn't going to be a post about my entire night last night because, a lot of it is just too much to explain and not worth it. What I will say is that, I could have gone home at about midnight or one if it were up to me. And I was so so so tired. But it was 4am and I was having a panic or anxiety attack I don't even know what it was. I started crying, and I felt incredibly uncomfortable and trapped.

I couldn't leave this random person, I don't even know's condom in downtown Toronto. My ride wasn't leaving yet and I so terrible bad needed to be home. For my sanity. And sleep (my eyes were burning). But mainly because there was no one there I knew but my ride and I didn't feel, not safe but I felt incredibly uneasy that I couldn't go home. I hadn't planned at all to be out that late and my ride had no intention of leaving anytime soon. 

I called my brother crying that I wanted to go home and he said he would come get me. Exhibit a. why I have the best brother in the world because I don't know what I would have done if he didn't get me. I felt bad asking, but I never really ask him to pick me up lately at all. And I never ask him to come get me like that from Toronto. One time in grade nine or ten he did but that's a different situation. 

Anyway, he knew since those two things and my tears on the phone that I was very serious about wanting to go home, now. 

When his car pulled up infront of the building I felt so free of all my anxiety and worry. 

I wouldn't ask my friend to leave and she didn't want to leave, it was her night too. So I don't know if I'm necessarily bothered by the situation she put me in, but I also had no idea it was like mandatory for her that she spend all night till sunrise downtown. This happened a second time. I payed and planned to spend the night downtown for pride, and I didn't know anyone in the hotel room, except this exact same friend. The rest were nice though I must say. And I had another panic attack or something. It wasn't as strong as last night but I was just: I really need and have to go home. Right now. I wasted money becaus of this. I got stranded after missing the last bus at York. I had to call my ex to get me. I felt bad him and his best friend had to come. I went through all of that. That's how serious it was. 

I don't know what comes over me, why I can't just relax. I don't think anything is wrong with me. I'm not saying I can't go out and leave my house, It's just at generally the same points, I need to go home. To relax and feel 100% comfortable. Being in Toronto, so far from
home makes it ten times worse I have to admit. I literally, feel trapped. 

Right now I'm just a bit stressed with school but I think I have this under control. I can do this. I'm just psyching myself out with what needs to be done but I just need to get organize and use this day the best I can. 

I feel like I'm constantly on edge, I'm constantly upset or worried about something or someone. Constantly, weather it's a midterm on Wednesday I'm not ready for at all. Or weather it's money or a boy. Which come on, it's normally a boy and one of the two. School just started and I had all summer to be care free and relaxed. But I wasn't then either cause I wasn't working. Any way, I digress. 

I just need to understand my limits when it comes to how I feel and what I can handle.

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