the perfect artist has been found

I just made my tattoo consultation appointment. I'm incredibly excited, and nervous to have to hide two tattoo's but, I've done pretty well with one, so what's one more.


and then one more.
and then one more.
and then one more.

the list goes on, of what I want to get done.

Big Questions

How do you define truth?
Truth comes from that gut feeling that never goes away

What drains your soul?
People who aren't genuine

What recharges it ?
Solitude, and writing.

What brings you joy?
Freedom, which I don't entirely have yet, but when I do. It will be endless joy.

What is one thing that you know for sure?
That life goes on. Even if things don't go my way as much as I want them to, or I feel like it couldn't get any worse. Life's gonna keep it moving and I pretty much just gotta keep up.

What is your life's big question?
What is happiness? Sometimes I feel like it get's confused for other emotions, that may not entirely be happiness. So where does real happiness come from? I'm sure everyone has their own definition but I want to know how to be entirely happy and not lose it so often.


questions provided by soulpancake

Sometimes when I wake up or I'm half asleep I have these major epiphanies about something in my life. The last post was not that. But I had a new one. Then all of that built up emotion and self-confidence about it, slowly does throughout the day.
It's quite sad.

who listens to their own advice?

I have a lot of things on the back of my mind I know I should take more seriously to get me to where I want to be in the future. It actually bothers me a lot, that I just can’t bring myself, to e-mail this person, or start writing this, or do this or go here. I just wish someone (besides my annoying sister) would just shake me. I know that what or who is kind of consuming my mind shouldn’t be. I'm still just playing the young, stupid, carefree card while I still have my tiniest bit of youth left. I'm aware that it is going to expire very, very soon.

I should be taking my time alone to focus on myself and what I need to accomplish. Because if I bring anyone into the picture at any point in the future I’m just going to make it ten times harder on myself.

I don’t understand that I make all of these realizations on my own and it still doesn’t hit me.

There are so many things I want to do after school and places I want to be. If none of it happens, I have no one or nothing to blame but myself. No way will I be able to make any excuses.

survive it

“Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal.”

— Cheryl Strayed

5AM / When I can't sleep, my mind puts words together.

I want to be with you. With you as in right now, there, where you are. With you as in by your side, often. As in when we go out and people ask me who I am or why I'm there, you chime in and say "she's with me". I want to be with you in every sense of the word.

I'm surprised Sex and The City didn't make me realize this sooner

"Because the truth is that “slut” and the ideas that surround it only exist in girls who are insecure, at the end of the day, with themselves. When you hear the word hissed across a bar as another girl parades by in a red dress and full confidence, it is not really this woman that the speaker hates. It is herself. She was raised to believe that her worth is tied into that woman’s, and that wearing too tight of a dress or drinking one drink too many was going to erode it.

Getting women to see one another as free agents who can do whatever they like, as long as they aren’t hurting others, and be free of moral judgments is one thing. But the beginning of that really lies in getting women to see their bodies as something that is alive and vibrant and deserves every bit of happiness and pleasure that it wants to seek out."

If anyone knows me at all. They would know I spend a lot of my unproductive time on thought catalog. By a lot I mean hours upon hours reading the articles on this website. Cause they're so amazing. This quote up there is from one of the ones I recently read.

About several months ago I got pretty educated on the whole slut shaming business and now I pretty much don't us the word any more. It's funny, there are a few words I literally have cut out of my vocabulary using it in certain context (slut, retard, gay or that's gay, side note: the latter one still makes me cringe when others say it) but anyway this isn't going to advocate for that whole movement. All I will say is to go research it yourself, insecure girls need to stop using the word towards one another. BUT that is not the direction I'm going in.

We're going to focus on me here.

Where I'm going with this is my new found epiphany. For my freedom. Doing whatever the fuck I want. Not caring about other peoples standard of what's a good "number". Or if someone won't like me because I've been with this many people. Or being worried I might get it too high or have it too low. Literally, I have too much confidence in myself and society already has control over me in so many other aspects sometimes. I absolutely cannot let it have control over this awesome part of who I am. Which is my sexuality.

I know high school gives girls and boys extremely messed up perceptions about sex, not just with education but just through one another. I truly feel bad for myself at that point of my life to be honest for not smartening up sooner. But I'd really like to think that after that stage of life more and more woman will start to be more confident like the quote says seeking out whatever happiness and pleasure we want.

I don't know about you, but I can't be running around like I'm going to be getting some sort of second chance at life. It's too short to be that close minded.

300+ people who don't actually care if I'm alive.

I deactivated my facebook recently. Something I have tried numerous times but I always give in and get back on it, at some point. I guess I was never really ready to let go.  Look me, making this sound so serious right now. It's really not, but it is. Considering how much time I waste on it, looking at stuff about people I could absolutely care less about. But this time is for real. I also don't and never will have a twitter. Which I must say, I'm pretty proud of myself for.

It's really nice not being able to be reached so easily. Part of me is still like "oh no, like what if someone on facebook wants to message me about something?" in my mind.
....who am I kidding, I speak to like five people. max.

That's how facebook has fucked with my mind, it some how made me feel like I have all these friends, when in reality those I can rely on and actually care if I'm alive have my number and will contact me. Outside of the convenience of already being on facebook and clicking my name.

I feel like I can sort of breath. Since most people are too lazy to text me anyway.

My lack of friends is not something I am complaining about, I'm perfectly okay with it. My tolerance of people doesn't go very far anyway. So when I find people who's company I enjoy I sort of latch on to them until they probably can't stand me. Therefore my few small circle means everything to me. It's just so weird how a number of friends on a profile consisting of a bunch of random's is supposed to make someone feel "popular" for lack of a better word. That's probably not the exact word I'm looking for, but whatever.

Game of thrones, sleep, eat. Repeat.

I've been off work since Tuesday. stuck at home. In my room. With my laptop. Trapped in my thoughts. I haven't been this lonely in a very very long time, considering I'm newly single and don't have a boyfriend to bug and keep me company.

The solitude, is nice to a certain extent, I should get used to this, but I kind of wish I could run away from what's worrying me. Considering schools pretty much done, I'm worrying about other things. That I just can't let go. It's annoying. And exhausting. And frustrating.

I'm not necessarily someone who enjoys being around a lot of people all the time. But I prefer spending more of my time with people I'm close with. This is something that hasn't even been happening lately, so it's been incredibly brutal for me.

I know all of my good friends are there for me, they've demonstrated that. But recently I wish they were here physically.

I need to stop complaining.

I want you. I want your sleepy confused look when you wake up. I want to be the warmth that fills the space in your bed. I want to be the sheets your fingers crave at night; the blanket that wraps around you all night. I want to drink tea with you, share some records we find. I want to talk about everything in the world newspapers. I want to discuss with you, to be stubborn and quick witted with you. I want to have differences between us. I want your flaws. All of them. I want to go in the deepest corners of your mind and never get bored of you. I want to be surprised by the new al the time. I want to look at you like a movie, a living piece of art; always trying to chase what you crave.. and capture you. 

- Elay Neal Moses

I feel like I've only been explaining one side of my feelings on here. Maybe because I'm scared who will see it. Maybe because I don't want to completely expose myself. Either way I'm going to wait and continue to keep some mystery until I feel comfortable getting more specific about what/who, I'm talking about.

A bunch of youtubers are making these videos called Draw My Life. I just watched one by JennaMarbles, and if you don't know who that is, then you live under a rock. Anyways, I related to it a lot. She's basically been incredibly confused about what she wants, and where she is going, her entire life. Had a serious break up. And in the end she just reassured me what I've been saying this whole time, that I'm allowed to be this confused. I'm allowed to not know what's going on, I'm allowed to make mistakes, and be frustrated with myself, because that's how we grow, and become more of who we are. If I had all the answers like I pray for everyday, then not only would life be incredibly boring, but I would never evolve as a person. I would never be learning from all of these years of life I'm experiencing. Do we all see where I'm coming from here? Is this making sense? So although, I could literally cut someone right now cause I'm so upset, furious, heartbroken, devastated, disappointed and all that jazz. I'm going to just take it as a situation in my life that is contributing to helping me learn who I am.

and if things are meant to be they will be, because there's nothing else I can do.

I can't say I never fought, I can't say I never shared what I was feeling.

third sibling and second brother

He has no idea how much he helps me. When I'm frantic he's incredibly calm and speaks with patience and it calms me down. Cause I can imagine his tone of voice and I know his chill demeanor.
He doesn't judge me, or anything for my stupid actions that I brought upon myself. Gives me his most honest opinion, cause for some reason he throws down some wise shit. And although we disagree sometimes, he has my best interest at heart.

So thankful for our friendship.

Haha he would hate me getting all sentimental like this.

“One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman’s emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax.”

— Osho

That horrible anxiety attack filled evening, where I must have been on drugs or something, because I thought I was ready to hang out with my ex and others. But then I remembered talking on a computer isn't the same as real life, and realized what the fucking shit was I thinking, and after almost starting to cry on multiple occasions, it's obvious I'm not the tiniest bit ready. And I won't be. For a long time.


..But of course I had to have put myself in the worst situation ever to figure that one out.

so close yet so far

I feel like every year when winter's almost done and I'm all pissed off and miserable and just over it, a huge amount of anticipation and excitement for the summer consumes me. Then summer arrives and it's not always what I thought it would be. Normally at least. I mean it still turns out awesome, but in my mind I create these incredibly high expectations for what is going to happen. As if I'm going to grow a money tree, and become a whole new person with the amount of things I think I'll do, people I'll meet and so on. This time around I'm trying to let go of that anxiousness. I'm just going to be thankful for the coming of great weather, a new tattoo, the beach, seeing the friends and family I love and that's it.

oh and hopefully I'm blessed with a full time job.  

everything happens for a reason.
everything happens for a reason.
everything happens for a reason.
everything happens for a reason.
everything happens for a reason.



..and whatever's meant to be will happen on its own.

When crying stops you from falling asleep.

why does something I thought was such a good decision feel like such a mistake.
The last thing I want do is mess with people's feelings, but I can't stop crying and feeling like absolute shit.
Nor can I see the light at the end of this horrible heartbreaking tunnel.

I just want to run back in time. and Undo so much.

I just want someone to tell me if what I did makes any sense. If I'm on the right track.

I just want to sleep for the next 5 months and not feel this much pain.

I just want my best friend back. I know things won't be the same after this for a long time. And, if you were able to see how hysterical I am, you would know I can't handle waiting for that time to come

my conscience

When I'm going through something. Something serious that's consuming my thoughts, or stressing me out, but I can't just talk to anyone about it, it makes it ten times harder. For example I can't go to my absolute best friends for something's, the girl who's comforted me and ripped me a new one during my heartbreak and bad decisions. It's as if I know what she will say, and I'm scared to hear the truth. Because if I'm going to get the truth with my number one interest at heart from someone who knows everything about about everything about me its her. Since I've been hearing her harsh but truthful words for so many years I can just create them in my mind, tone of voice, word for word.

So when I feel like I can't even talk to her about something, I already pretty much know the truth. I'm just going through a secret intense case of denial. Which eats me up inside, and makes me feel horrible for not even telling her to begin with.

The whole thing sounds so silly. But I've never looked at it, as though I'm running away from hearing what I should do, or running away from her telling me something that I don't want to hear.

I'd like to think of myself as a fearless person, and doing what I want or what makes me happy, is a super 100% great part of who I am and my life. But no.. It is the root cause of some horrible situations.

let's pretend this blog has a different title.

        Today, I'm in the mood to complain. I'm saying fuck that to staying positive. If I can be optimistic most of the time, just to make myself feel better.. I should be able to have my time to give up and feel sorry for myself. I've spent most of my day, being miserable and stressed and disappointed in my past decisions, and my current situation.

        I've been saying "it's not fair" and "I just want to drop out, imagine how care free I would be" along with "I wish I could just run away"

        I realize these are all statements that lead to copping out, and giving up but at this very second, I want to. I've been stressing about the same things for three years now and I'm incredibly close to my breaking point. It never gets easier and I don't see it getting any better any time soon either.

        It all also stems from the idea that, many people I know don't have to worry about the same things I do, and get to sail through carefree because they're simply just luckier than I am. The way I look at is, at random, this is the situation I have ended up in and those are the way better situations they have ended up in, and like mentioned before "it's not fair."

        To be cliché for a second, these are the cards I have been dealt in life.. but these are some stupid fucking cards that are making me really upset.


end rant.

look at me, getting all deep.

“if you’re brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.”  - Paulo Coelho

        Another one of the many quotes that have stuck out to me. Not like I'm in any sort of situation to want to say goodbye to anyone. I just thought of people I know who are relationships, that seem like they feel sort of trapped. 

        And I feel like sometimes that happens because people are scared and terrified they won't find anyone to love them or whatever in the future, which is a situation I would hate to be in. But one I also wouldn't be able to handle being in, considering when it comes to the point where you feel stuck, you're also no longer willingly in the relationship. Which is a horrible feeling, and it doesn't sound too enjoyable doing that either, as unappealing as saying goodbye to someone may be.

         I just feel like some people forget that everything will work out on it's own, and you can't control everything so tightly. If you're not happy with someone there's no reason why you wont be able to have another chance being happy with someone else. Not even in the case where you want to move on, but even if they've hurt you in some way. No one should feel obligated to stay with that person and suffer through moving past that while struggling to gain trust again, which probably won't come back.  I know sometimes the length of time and effort invested, is always something that is discouraging, but this quote speaks for it self. If you grow the balls, good shit will happen. 

today I'm thankful for

         I'm a pretty optimistic person 99.9 % of the time. I don't think it's really ever that hard and it always makes things much easier to handle. So in these last couple weeks before I want to collapse and sleep for all of the holidays, I've decided to share a list of things I'm thankful for regardless of everything I could essentially be really bummed out about.

my ipod + dock 

because being able to play my music out loud constantly, really makes me feel better

a warm bed 

these winter months, this will forever be on my list and I couldn't possibly take this for granted 

my university education 

after taking a year off, I've never strayed for my desire to make sure I get my BA, though the finances are going to be a struggle

a loving significant other 

although we get on each others nerves, I see myself sharing my future with no one else 

a cell phone aka my life 

I absolutely hate paying the god damn bill for this thing every month, but not being connected to my homies would upset me terribly 

modern family 

this show cheers me up so much, it makes me die of laughter and the characters are perfection. 

new friends at school 

they don't even realize it but I really appreciate the way they've accepted me into their circle, for a while I pretty much had no one. We've gotten so close already and I can't wait till they're all 19!

A JOB

oh man, I can't believe I forgot to mention this one. After quitting one giving me a good amount of hours due to unhappiness, I was on the hunt for about two months and luckily a retail store thinks I'm capable of employment there. Now I just need to not fuck up and stay there.   

I think that is about it for now.

sunday

        Sometimes, being unproductive is really hard for me. I think it might be because when I am in a serious work mode, it's for long periods of time, like when I say I'm going to sit down and "start" something I end up finishing it. I am far beyond my high school procrastination days and have moved on to a less stressful more organized life.

       But today, I took on a totally opposite character than the one I just explained, the most I can say I've accomplished is the tons of music I've downloaded. Which is a major accomplishment because now on my bus rides I don't have to take the entire trip skipping songs because "shuffle songs" on my ipod hates me.

       I can pretty much afford to have 24 hours of doing nothing because I'm on the ball with pretty much everything, it's just hard for me to process sometimes that I've done nothing when this whole semester I've been on a tight day by day work schedule. It's been incredible enjoyable though.

       Then there is my boyfriend, the ultimate procrastinator who I struggle to sympathize. As he stresses and makes no time for me because he has to start and finish everything due that is coming up very soon. I'm trying to be a good influence, and help him out but my habits have become second nature over the span of a couple years,  and he needs a miracle worker.



currently listening to:  crystal castles - III album.
its amazing. check it out!

Patience Is Not My Strong Suit

            I am seriously surprised I don’t suffer from anxiety attacks. Not that I wish I did because I am fully aware of the results they can have on a person.  It’s because of the amount of things I stress, get anxious, and worry about that are out of my control, and yet I’m able to carry out my day like a normal human being. I mean kudos to me but sometimes I just want to run away, and explode. 

            It’s weird though, because when it comes to a lot of other things or people that don’t specifically concern me, I never have any fucks to give. My family, have even pinned this characteristic on me, there’s the voice of reason, my brother, my loud and moody sister, and then me who just doesn’t care. So for something to effect my emotions and make me freak out means I’m either obsessed with it or it’s just very important to me.

            This is the first thing that comes to mind to write about because as soon as I woke up today, I became incredibly anxious about getting tattoos.. again, because if we’re gonna be serious here, it happens often.  Now, if anyone out there reading knows me on a personal level or even if you don’t, just check out my tumblr and my obsession is pretty obvious. What makes me anxious is the fact that living under the roof I am now I can’t even begin, all the plans I have. Since those two people who gave me life will go to either two extremes, give me a box to live in, or chop off the body part that has ink. (even though I do have one already that says “Stay True” on my ribs, but that’s not hard to hide) This burns my soul thinking about when I will be able to afford to move out and start getting bigger pieces on more noticeable places on my skin.  At this broke university student rate, the thought of how far from now that will be makes me want to throw up.

            Then after I’ve slowly and painfully processed those ideas, I think about all the sessions and time they’re all going to take to complete, where I picture myself as some old lady sitting in a tattoo parlour. And that is just not what I have planned for my life.

            In all honesty, this one the biggest, first world problems that gets to me, and there are many more, for example one that probably should take a higher spot, my second semester tuition I’m going to have to pull out of my ass. But Life goes on.. 

five albums that have brought me this far.

        The other day I was sitting with my boyfriend and he asked me if I had to listen to five albums for the rest of my life what would they be. I’m sure this isn’t a super unique question, but it was the first time I’ve been asked it. 

          This is where I shall share with you my answer, now my thought process was entirely based on the albums I listened to on a constant basis for long periods of time. I feel like that’s a good indicator it deserves to be chosen: 

1) Bring me your love – City and Color 

2) My beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy – Kanye West

3) Selfish Machines – Pierce the Veil

4) Speak Now  - Taylor Swift

5) Lungs – Florence and the Machine

           Looking at them all sitting there on the list, makes me realize how random they all are but that's okay. Effortlessly I covered pretty much around every major genre of music which I thought was cool.  These albums in one way or another I found I could really relate to or understand really well which made me fall in love even more.  Then there is Kanye West's album which, should be on everyone's list in the entire planet. It also brought me to the conclusion that I’m sure I would need them to help get me through life again in the future.

            Just so we all know, in no way am I ashamed T-swift made it on that list because I am a pretty good sized fan. (even though she’s not the best live singer in the world, I'll give the haters that much.)

            If for a crazy reason, someone reading this has not heard any of those albums listed above, you need to get your shit together.
  

If you haven't noticed

         Under my links, there is no twitter account. It's not because I'm trying to keep it some sort of top secret, I simply don't have one. I honestly don't even think I'm missing out on anything, the super important tweets I always find out in one way or another and that's good enough for me.

         This brings me to the reason why I even created this blog to begin with. I have a sister who has a pretty decent size on-line following, with a youtube (she slacks on videos now), writing, public speaking and styling. She is constantly saying that I absolutely have boost to my "on-line presence" if I'm going to be a successful journalist, or work in the media in the future. Insisting I must get a twitter. Being as stubborn as I am, although I take becoming a professional writer seriously, I don't think it's a good enough reason to be sucked into something that I don't want to. Therefore as a compromise I said I would start a blog.

        Today, I finally stopped being lazy and stuck to my word. This is where I can begin documenting and sharing my thoughts and feelings as I continue my journey through life, finding a career, achieving my goals, knocking stuff off my bucket list and so on.

        Not that I'm incredibly confident this is something that will give me any sort of "on-line presence" my sibling speaks of, but who knows.