Not Able To Forget

Does it ever get any easier? Because I'm really starting to think it won't and it's been over a year. (Don't get me wrong, I have come a very very long way)

I just still remember everything. I remember his voice, the different tones of voice he'd use to say certain things. I remember what he looked like when he played guitar, his smile, the piercing colour of his eyes. I don't need to go on do I? I'm sure the point is understood. I still remember too much for me to be okay with.

It makes it hard for me to say convincingly that I'm over this person. It's making it hard for me and everyone around to believe that I don't miss him any more and I'm okay with the way things are. Those two things are true, but how close to bullshit do they sound when I sit here and explain that I can't get the details out of my head.

I want something new now, I really do. So why can't I just push that aside even further. I want to see what else is out there, experience falling hard again for a second time. It's not fair that my mind travels back.(Even if it is infrequently) I don't think I should have to find a replacement for this to end but I can't see anything else being the solution. It would work for periods at a time when I thought what I found was worth the mental space.

I just want to know if I'm ever going to completely forget? Am I even okay with forgetting? Are you supposed to forget something this important in your life?

Maybe I'm not ready.

Sometimes..

Since both my tattoos are in spots I don't see often at all, (ribs and back) I think about it randomly and it hits that I even have them on my body. And I get excited and shocked all at once, that I went through with it and I've been this successful at hiding it this long. I don't know if this happens for anyone else, but it hasn't been a serious amount of time since I got them so I guess it will wear off eventually.. 

Then I get happy that not for a second do I regret them, which makes me want to keep going, because I can give myself a big ol' pat on the back for making such a good decision with these ones.

Someone fund my future tattoo's please. 

Once Again

I submitted and article to thought catalog. Originally I didn't like the idea of sharing it on my blog that I've done this because then it'll be super obvious things didn't work out when I don't mention it again. But I feel like this is something I need to document, I need to document my failures so the resonate and I can build off them. So weather or not this piece goes up. I submitted it. I had the courage to submit it, and be honest about a lot of thing in it as well. And if it goes up I will share with the people I love because I need to start being ballsy like that.

I'm not going to give up on this.

“I wonder how many times you compared me to her.”

I Just Finished: Looking For Alaska By John Green

Now I know I know, this book is literally 10 years old. A couple months ago, I audio booked The Fault In Our Stars and it was the first time I ever experienced John Green's writing. Of course, I know how cool he is from his youtube channel but I never understood the hype till after finishing that book.

Still, even after the convenience that came with listening to a book on audio I was said NO. I will read Looking For Alaska, in hard copy. No matter how long it takes me to get a hold of this book.

Then randomly, when I was waiting to take the bus to Waterloo this past Thursday to visit a friend I decided I would kill time in Chapters and Starbucks. I picked up this book, under "Heather's Picks" and thought to myself, oh man I really want to read this. So I started reading a page or two, when the sweetest boy comes up to me. At this moment I had my stereo headphones on and naturally I hate when anyone talks to me when these are on my head. They're are there to drown out the world, that is there purpose and I'm not a fan of that being interrupted but for him I was nice about it and wanted to hear what he had to say when he tapped me. He told me how amazing this book was and that it was much better than The Fault In Our Stars and how much that book alone meant to him so Looking For Alaska was a must. Now I know it's technically his job to speak with such enthusiasm and love for the books that fill his place of employment but he was so genuine about how he felt about these books. Not to mention, it wasn't expensive at all. I purchased it. And barely put it down since Thursday. Although I didn't get to read any of it yesterday I just finished it after only a few days. And if anyone knows me, that's a pretty big deal because I'd like to think I'm big into reading, which I should be (as this exhausted title of being an aspiring writer I always claim) but I don't.

So finishing this book this fast is a big deal. I have too many books on my shelve half read for probably over a year or two that I haven't picked up again. It's sad and disappointing. But I don't regret continuing to put them all on hold for this book because it was so well done. I can't even really explain it.

The story was just compelling. All of it, the characters, the setting, every aspect of it. It is highly recommended.

I wish so badly I could explain in more detail why it was so amazing or why I could honestly see myself reading it for a second time, but I don't know how. It just was.

I loved every word of it. I've never really been one to say my goal as a writer is to become an author although maybe one day if I take my silly idea seriously. But if I do become one, even if I don't wherever my journey takes me, I hope to become half as good at story telling as John Green.

Fun Fact About Me

I'm running off zero sleep right now. And I could have been sleeping for about at least two hours now if I went to sleep right away when I got home. But no. I'm awake. Fact: if I have something heavy on my mind. I can't sleep.

It doesn't work for me where I sleep to avoid life. It's the total opposite. For me sleep forces me to sit and soak in it.

Those moments where you cringe at life thinking about everything going on as you fall asleep. That probably happens longer than normal for me. And if I have something on my mind that's making me feel terrible,I just don't want to sleep, and have to lie there and think about it. Same goes for if I'm half awake/going to wake up soon and I'm trying to get back and I think about everything going on. Once I'm sort of awake and all those terrible thoughts rush in. I have to wake up.

This all stems from the solution of occupying myself. When I'm awake. I can write, listen to music, watch shows and keep my mind essentially taken over for long periods of time so I can relax more and not think about it and breath.

Problem is, this will be an issue for significant amounts of time. Till I stop caring, which normally takes forever.

This fact, is not so fun.

Pride

me: "You know when you really wanna text someone aka a boy but you know once you hit send you'll feel dumb as fuck and wish you never sent it. Cause you shouldn't have. That's the story of my life. BUT it's how I'm feeling right now. I haven't done it. I'm just saying I want to"

my friend: Just do it. You have nothing to lose.

Mind you this is one of her favourite lines. But my response to this was my pride and dignity. That's what I had to lose. It's so stupid how doing something so simple as sending a text can make me feel like the biggest piece of shit there is for stooping so low. How did they handle this back in the day when text messaging didn't exist? I'm gonna send this text and end up feeling so sorry for myself that I couldn't control myself and wake the fuck up about the reality of the situation. And I know this isn't something that only I experience because I've had friends tell me, after they've had a conversation that went terribly downhill or they regret having entirely with someone they've been like fuck I shouldn't have even sent anything. Hitting that point of straight up 100% shame and regret is when people like us wake up. Until then I'm pretty sure I'm full on delusional to be completely honest. I don't know what else to call it, for even having the desire to send it and put myself in that position. This is a real thing. Why does my respect for myself hang in the balance of my willpower to hold back sending a message to a boy, I so desperately want to talk to? Because feelings are involved? Because our generation is super into ourselves and how we're viewed by others? Why. Someone please tell me.

It's incredibly unfair.

To top it all of, I don't do well with knowing I shouldn't do something. That makes me feel so much more anxious about it. So knowing I can't, well more accurately shouldn't say anything adds to being torn.

It's giving me anxiety. Not to mention, there are other people I'm talking to, that can totally or should distract me right? Wrong. I would drop them all if I had the choice. It's sounds sad and disgusting but their attention is irrelevant compared to this other persons.

If We'd Never Met

If there's anyone that reminds me of my ex it's Gabe Bondoc. Out of all the music we've shared and grown to love together it's that dude right there. He has some of the sweetest songs though, and listening to this one specifically I don't even get a sad, bitter feeling thinking about everything that has happened. This song makes me reminisce about everything I'm super happy for that happened, it makes me thankful, and giddy that I was in such an awesome relationship with someone who was literally amazing.


Even if nothing like that happens ever again I honestly can't say I regret a second of it.

Just listen to the song though, it's kinda perfect.

Banned

So other other day when I had totally fucked things up (or thought I did), and was in one of those really big ruts where I 911 called all my best friends. One of them was like you're banned from boys. Now this wasn't in a tone where it was in a judgemental-give up on them way she meant as a, just take a step back for a second cause so far things have not worked out in your favour so take a deep breath on your own.

And it was the best response, minus all the other ones from my loves that helped me calm down that was one thing I needed to hear. To just stop. I mean, I always say I will, or that I'm just going to lay low and then BAM! A cute as boy just pops up in front of me. And what? Oh they're single? Kay I'm going for it. That is my two second thought process. Unless a guy has started to pursue me first (which honestly, is a rare occasion, I'm not gonna lie to you guys).

That's pretty much why it's always been so difficult for me to literally swear them all off for a bit. Yeah I'd love to be in relationship but I'm not scared to be single, I just literally can't not go after something I see I want. And why should I not go after it? This is something about me that has it's ups and downs for sure.

But I told myself I would at least try, for a few months straight to not pursue anyone. Unless something progresses naturally. At least for now.

We'll see how this goes.

“Accept everything about yourself–I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end–no apologies, no regrets.”

- Clark Moustakas

This is why I'm so content with being able to count all my friends on both hands. They know me so god damn well, and know exactly what to say. They know when to be harsh, and when I'm just feeling shitty and that's not the time without me having to say anything.

Weakness

Times like these I really wish, no one knew about my blog. Just because I'm about to write about how weak I am. I'm about to write about how it'll looks like I put on this persona of being confident and ballsy but how hard I fight to feel this way everyday and it get's incredibly exhausting.

I just had a mini breakdown. Very mini. But it was a culmination of a bunch of different situations that have gone down throughout this single life in the past year. Now I say this because I don't want it to sound like I'm just really frustrated over someone currently. I hate the idea of giving anyone the ability to break me down. But I let it happen all the time. Right now it's more of an all around shitty feeling.

Constantly, constantly putting myself out there. Constantly, being brave and open and vulnerable praying things will turn out the way I'm hoping. Every time. Then it turns around and never ever works out for me that way. Never. Now when I say never I mean no exaggeration, never. How is this not supposed to make me feel dumb at some point? I don't think it's possible for someone to consistently see the same results and just be cool forever. So right now is my time to complain about it, and I don't care what anyone has to say. It would be different if I wasn't always going after what I want and just sitting back and sulking about no reciprocating the same feelings, that would be another story. But this is me honestly going for it and eating shit on my face time and time again.

It's hard to remember how great you are when literally no one you want to see it can fucking see it. Does that make sense. It's just hard. I've made posts about how I know I'm fucking amazing and so on and so on, which I believe but sometimes that decreases. A lot. Today is one of those days. 

I'm trying to be strong, and just tell myself to get over it but I'm just going to let myself have this day to be upset. And tomorrow try to pick myself back up. 

I know if I'm patient someone will come along blah blah. I just don't know how to continue to stay patient when there are literally no prospects around anywhere. It's like how am I supposed to think that something like that can happen when I have no indicator to think so.

I dunno, hands down right now feels like one of my weakest moments I've ever experienced because it's coming from an issue I'm dealing with myself and no one has done anything. I'm upset because of how I feel about myself, and to me that's a weakness. 

“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”

- Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Judy Blume

 “I am not scared of you. I am scare of these feelings.”

“Some changes happen deep down inside of you. And the truth is, only you know about them. Maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be.” 

“Nothing matters but the moment. There might be no tomorrow and even if there is, nobody gives a damn.” 

“You can’t deny they ever happened. You can’t deny you ever loved them – love them still – even if loving them causes you pain” 

“Each of us must confront our own fears, must come face to face with them. How we handle our fears will determine where we go with the rest of our lives. To experience adventure or to be limited by the fear of it.” 

“What’s the point of thinking about how it’s going to end when it’s just the beginning?” 

“It’s not so much that I like him as a person, God, but as a boy he’s very handsome.” 

“It’s strange, but when it comes right down to it I never do fall apart – even when I’m sure I will.” 

“I wanted to tell him that I will never be sorry for loving him. That in a way I still do – that maybe I always will. I’ll never regret one single thing we did together because what we had was very special. Maybe if we were ten years older it would have worked out differently. Maybe. I think it’s just that I’m not ready for forever.”

The Single Life | The Science of Love

I'm in love and awe and admiration for the honesty, and pure innocence of this wonderfully done series. Previous to this was the science of happiness but the science of love is just as great if not better. This is the first episode I just came across and didn't realize I missed.

It's really good and the single life is obviously something many many people can relate to, including me. It was interesting to see that people's view of everyone else's intentions are so skewed and sort of negative and sceptical.

I feel like I wouldn't have said the things that went along those lines, I find myself giving people the benefit of the doubt way too much. I assume the best, or hope for the most ideal intentions every time. Which has it's good and bad sides to it.

But I would 100% say with everyone else that I would like to be in a relationship. That's a given.

It also made me think about who I would call if I had to tell someone right then and there that they carry all of these qualities I look for in a significant other (which by the way I've never entirely thought about, which I read is good to do. I need to do that). I have someone in mind, but I wouldn't be confident calling them yet because I'm not that sure they have those qualities, whatever they are. Everyone they called in the video are people they've really gotten to know, or have known for a long time. No one fits that bill along with being super all around awesome.

That's okay though.

“Truth is, I’m a fucking romantic. I’m difficult but I promise — I’m not boring.”

— Amy Winehouse, from an interview featured in GQ Magazine

Very, Very true.

Never Date A Girl Who Writes and Break Her Heart (She Will Only Write About You) 

Hella anxious

I never use the word hella. But when I do I'm talking about a serious amount here. And anxiety is easily one of the worst things I get all the time. If I could narrow down all of my really strong emotions that I deal with that I can really feel the most and breaks me down.. Anxiety would probably be number one, and two, and three. I'm not saying I suffer from any sort of anxiety attacks or something I need legitimate help with. And just because those things don't apply who's to say I don't experience it? No one. Exactly, because I do. It's normally a long, on going underlying disturbing an uncomfortable feeling. It's very hard to explain. I don't know if anyone who gets it as well can explain it better but sometimes it's a lot to the point where just sitting here like right now is a lot for me and I can't figure out what to do with myself to calm me down. Sometimes I can't even breath. Sometimes I can't even talk. It's just this weird thing. I wonder if it even is anxiety, by my definition of what anxiety is I'm pretty sure that's what it is but who knows. All I know is that its annoying, and frustrating.

Currently, I'm feeling it so I figured it would be the best time to write about it. I got home a while ago from hanging out with someone for the first time, who I'm super  into. And I have this problem with things like this. Aka, life. I get so ahead of myself for one thing and I get really annoyed and anxious with not knowing what's going on in a certain situation or what the other person is thinking or feeling. It bothers me a lot. I can't just sit back and home for the best a lot of the time. Sometimes I fuck things up because of that. Let's be honesty, normally. Rarely I just let it eat me alive, but that does happen. But I need to leave it like that more often so I'm okay with it. I've built this terrible habit of how I go about dealing with things and I feel like I need to change that. ASAP.

I think it's important to be aware of your habits and the patters that result from them. Good or bad. Being someone who writes allows me to be incredibly self reflective naturally and look at my situations and mindset sometimes more objectively. Which is awesome because I can do things like this right now and tell myself what the fuck?! You cannot pull the same bullshit you always do, don't fuck this up. Something I really really need.

I'm starting to chill out more now so that worked.

Unmotivated. Where the fuck is summer?

I feel like I'm ready to run away or something. This winter feels like it's been going since I've been born and summer could not take any longer. Exams are going to start soon which is whatever for me because I only have one but that just means classes have ended. HALLELUJAH. I say this but the year went by so incredibly fast. I don't know how that happened. This last stretch though has me constantly really saying fuck this to everything I have to do still.

For example, I should be working on an assignment right now, but in my other tabs I currently have youtube and domino's pizza open. Because yes, I'm very seriously considering ordering a pizza. The procrastination and the hunger is too real.

I can't bring myself to care anymore about anything. Even though I know I need to. My mind can't focus very hard lately, I can't put in the extra effort unless it's on remotely close to something I am interested in. I just feel very, blah. I just want to run away, and eat all the shitty food I've been eating lately, not gain weight, and just be happy and stress free.

Why is that so much to ask out of life? I don't get it.

“What wonderful thing didn’t start out scary?”

— Isaac Marion, Warm Bodies

Confidence

I just watched a youtube video by Anna Akana on how to be confident. It was short and sweet and although many people already know what a confident person actually looks like and what they do. It's much better having it all explained one by one all the different parts that add up to presenting confidence.

Her list was:

fake it till you make it 

change your body language 

practice prolonged eye contact 

smile/talk to strangers 

get out of your head 

slow down talking and take your time  

All awesome and wonderful pieces of advice, even though some may be obvious I loved it. It was a little slap in the face of how important it can be to come off confident and how far that can actually get you. It made me really think and take it seriously, because like mentioned before the person who makes me terribly nervous, that feeling of wanting to puke is something I need to get over/hide it like a magician till it's gone. The best way to do that is to obviously, come off as confident as possible! Catch my drift now. That's the main reason I was like damn, I cannot come off looking like an idiot, and then I realized in life I should probably work on some of these things on a regular basis.


Not to say, I'm not a confident person at all, I'm pretty alright in that category, but everyone can make improvements. 

Why You Can't Make Your Ex Fall In Love With You Again

This. This is the revelation I've had explained so beautifully. 

Thought catalog - by my favourite, Ryan O'Connell

It’s liberating when you realize that someone doesn’t love you anymore. Well, at first it’s devastating. At first you’ll be stricken with grief and question what’s wrong with you. You’ll ask yourself what you can do to make yourself more lovable, as if changing one thing will suddenly make you more appealing to a mass group of people. There must be something you can fix inside yourself that will bring all the men and women who loved you back, who once held you like a boa constrictor in bed and delighted in your every movement. You were a gold star they stuck on their bedroom wall until the edges started to wilt, and you fell down. Gold star, little star, crumbled up piece of sticker on your foot that you can’t seem to get off.

No, no. It doesn’t work that way. We can’t bring anyone back. What’s done is done. Something inside of them switched and they made the decision to stop loving you. If only we understood at that moment how little it had to do with us. When you fall in and out of love with someone, it’s like you become privy to all the secrets of the world. You understand what life is all about, how badly we all just want to connect with someone and feel like we have a partner or a teammate. It’s cruel how quickly things can change, how your teammate becomes an adversary at the drop of a hat. All the while, you keep asking yourself “How can I get the gold star to stick again? How can I get my teammate back?” What you don’t know now, you’ll understand later. Trust.

You learn a lot about people and their ability to disengage when you get your heartbroken. But I would venture to say that you learn even more when you break someone else’s heart. That’s when it all becomes clear and you’re finally able to get over that one person who stopped loving you. Because now you know the secret. Now you know how random it all is. It’s a scary truth to realize. It’s a much easier pill to swallow when there are concrete reasons why the love stopped — it makes people seem less scary and more rational — but sometimes love is just as irrational as a loss of love. Things stop just because.

Only when I had the experience of falling out of love with someone myself did I begin to understand it all. Only then did it become clear that my ex didn’t love me anymore period. No ifs, ands, or buts. I could have plastic surgery to look like Ryan Gosling and it wouldn’t make a lick of a difference. Just like how it was with the boy I stopped loving. He could have done anything to make me love him again and it wouldn’t have mattered. In my mind, the doors had closed and there was NO WAY to reopen them.

Realizing this might sound depressing but it was actually the ultimate relief. I could finally stop torturing myself over “What if’s” and ways to get my ex back. I now knew that it was impossible. Just like I had done with this boy, the love switch had gone off in my ex’s brain forever. It was no longer about me and my shortcomings as a partner. It was about something inside of him changing forever that was out of my control. Knowing there was no hope in salvaging the relationship was the greatest gift I could ever give myself. By having been on both sides of the coin, I can see love in all its screwed up complexities and here’s the take-away message I’ve gotten: Love is there until it’s not. It might have everything to do with you or it might have nothing to do with you. The point is that people change and outgrow each other. Placing the blame on yourself and agonizing over what you could’ve done to change the outcome is fruitless. It’s all chemical anyway. Take the weight of the grief off your shoulders and take solace in knowing that you will be loved again.

“I’ve stopped being sorry for all my soft. I won’t apologise because I miss you, or because I said it, or because I text you first, or again. I think everyone spends too much time trying to close themselves off. I don’t want to be cool or indifferent, I want to be honest. If I love you at 5AM, I’d damn well rather that you know I felt it. If I love you two hours later, I’ll tell you then too. Listen, I won’t wait double the time it takes for you to text me back because I don’t want to. I don’t care enough to be patient with you. I’m happy, you made me feel that way, don’t you want to know? So that’s how it’s going to be. I’m going to leave myself as open as a church door. And I’m going to wake you up before the crack of dawn to tell you that I’m fucking joyful, no pretending, not from me, not ever. Would you like some coffee, would you please kiss me? Here, these are my hands, this is my mouth, it is all yours.”

— Azra.T “Don’t Wait Three Days to Text First.”

Be uncomfortable

This chick is crazy awesome. That's not why I put this video here, but before I get into it's relevance I just want to point that out.

The reason I put this here, is people a lot of the time I'm super ballsy and I'm pretty impulsive and curious and will jump at the chance to do a lot of things that in the end maybe aren't good ideas but sometimes it works out. Anyway what I'm getting at is that although I have this side to me, and it's grown over the years because I used to have this crazy fear of being embarrassed, I've really grown to be like I don't give a fuck. But certain people come along to make me really nervous sometimes.

When I didn't know my ex yet, I would avoid him because I was so nervous to even be near him and be in the vicinity of possibly saying hi or having a conversation. Butterflies, go blanks, the whole thing would occur around him. That was several years ago, and no one has had that effect on me since. Truth bomb. As much as I've thought I really liked someone since that relationship it's honestly never happened since. (I just had a quick flash through all the people on that list and wow I can't believe myself. What was I thinking?)


It hasn't happened since until recently, where seeing this person makes me want to projectile rather than actually speak words to him. This is real. He goes to my school so any of the about five people I actually talk to will tell you this is real.



This video talks about being uncomfortable, and that't all the more reason to do it. It was a little slap in the face this morning. I won't get into, the whole situation that's going on with this person, I just know that I need to just go for it. Even if it makes me incredibly uncomfortable, the good kind but uncomfortable.



So here's hoping I don't puke.

Zero Guilt

Watching wedding videos isn't even a guilty pleasure. It's pure enjoyment. Even though they make me terribly sad, and tear up sometimes and at this point in my life feel extra extra lonely. (they would make me tear up even when I was with someone) I still love watching them. Although I wish so badly I can find what the couples I'm watching have found, I can't not be happy that people out there have found it. It being that extraordinary type love. Part of the enjoyment comes from not only seeing all the details of their wedding, but being uncontrollably happy for the bride and groom.

It's weird. I don't know them at all of course, but I know they're genuinely happy because of this one other person on the planet. It's crazy. And it's fascinating. I can't say I'm convinced this will happen for me (blah blah I know I'm young) I don't care, sometimes it's not meant for everyone, like this might be me in that category and that's cool. Well not really. Point is, I can't say I'm confident I'll find that but I'm just happy other people are.