Friday, April 4, 2014

Pride

me: "You know when you really wanna text someone aka a boy but you know once you hit send you'll feel dumb as fuck and wish you never sent it. Cause you shouldn't have. That's the story of my life. BUT it's how I'm feeling right now. I haven't done it. I'm just saying I want to"

my friend: Just do it. You have nothing to lose.

Mind you this is one of her favourite lines. But my response to this was my pride and dignity. That's what I had to lose. It's so stupid how doing something so simple as sending a text can make me feel like the biggest piece of shit there is for stooping so low. How did they handle this back in the day when text messaging didn't exist? I'm gonna send this text and end up feeling so sorry for myself that I couldn't control myself and wake the fuck up about the reality of the situation. And I know this isn't something that only I experience because I've had friends tell me, after they've had a conversation that went terribly downhill or they regret having entirely with someone they've been like fuck I shouldn't have even sent anything. Hitting that point of straight up 100% shame and regret is when people like us wake up. Until then I'm pretty sure I'm full on delusional to be completely honest. I don't know what else to call it, for even having the desire to send it and put myself in that position. This is a real thing. Why does my respect for myself hang in the balance of my willpower to hold back sending a message to a boy, I so desperately want to talk to? Because feelings are involved? Because our generation is super into ourselves and how we're viewed by others? Why. Someone please tell me.

It's incredibly unfair.

To top it all of, I don't do well with knowing I shouldn't do something. That makes me feel so much more anxious about it. So knowing I can't, well more accurately shouldn't say anything adds to being torn.

It's giving me anxiety. Not to mention, there are other people I'm talking to, that can totally or should distract me right? Wrong. I would drop them all if I had the choice. It's sounds sad and disgusting but their attention is irrelevant compared to this other persons.

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