Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Hella anxious

I never use the word hella. But when I do I'm talking about a serious amount here. And anxiety is easily one of the worst things I get all the time. If I could narrow down all of my really strong emotions that I deal with that I can really feel the most and breaks me down.. Anxiety would probably be number one, and two, and three. I'm not saying I suffer from any sort of anxiety attacks or something I need legitimate help with. And just because those things don't apply who's to say I don't experience it? No one. Exactly, because I do. It's normally a long, on going underlying disturbing an uncomfortable feeling. It's very hard to explain. I don't know if anyone who gets it as well can explain it better but sometimes it's a lot to the point where just sitting here like right now is a lot for me and I can't figure out what to do with myself to calm me down. Sometimes I can't even breath. Sometimes I can't even talk. It's just this weird thing. I wonder if it even is anxiety, by my definition of what anxiety is I'm pretty sure that's what it is but who knows. All I know is that its annoying, and frustrating.

Currently, I'm feeling it so I figured it would be the best time to write about it. I got home a while ago from hanging out with someone for the first time, who I'm super  into. And I have this problem with things like this. Aka, life. I get so ahead of myself for one thing and I get really annoyed and anxious with not knowing what's going on in a certain situation or what the other person is thinking or feeling. It bothers me a lot. I can't just sit back and home for the best a lot of the time. Sometimes I fuck things up because of that. Let's be honesty, normally. Rarely I just let it eat me alive, but that does happen. But I need to leave it like that more often so I'm okay with it. I've built this terrible habit of how I go about dealing with things and I feel like I need to change that. ASAP.

I think it's important to be aware of your habits and the patters that result from them. Good or bad. Being someone who writes allows me to be incredibly self reflective naturally and look at my situations and mindset sometimes more objectively. Which is awesome because I can do things like this right now and tell myself what the fuck?! You cannot pull the same bullshit you always do, don't fuck this up. Something I really really need.

I'm starting to chill out more now so that worked.

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