Thursday, March 27, 2014

Weakness

Times like these I really wish, no one knew about my blog. Just because I'm about to write about how weak I am. I'm about to write about how it'll looks like I put on this persona of being confident and ballsy but how hard I fight to feel this way everyday and it get's incredibly exhausting.

I just had a mini breakdown. Very mini. But it was a culmination of a bunch of different situations that have gone down throughout this single life in the past year. Now I say this because I don't want it to sound like I'm just really frustrated over someone currently. I hate the idea of giving anyone the ability to break me down. But I let it happen all the time. Right now it's more of an all around shitty feeling.

Constantly, constantly putting myself out there. Constantly, being brave and open and vulnerable praying things will turn out the way I'm hoping. Every time. Then it turns around and never ever works out for me that way. Never. Now when I say never I mean no exaggeration, never. How is this not supposed to make me feel dumb at some point? I don't think it's possible for someone to consistently see the same results and just be cool forever. So right now is my time to complain about it, and I don't care what anyone has to say. It would be different if I wasn't always going after what I want and just sitting back and sulking about no reciprocating the same feelings, that would be another story. But this is me honestly going for it and eating shit on my face time and time again.

It's hard to remember how great you are when literally no one you want to see it can fucking see it. Does that make sense. It's just hard. I've made posts about how I know I'm fucking amazing and so on and so on, which I believe but sometimes that decreases. A lot. Today is one of those days. 

I'm trying to be strong, and just tell myself to get over it but I'm just going to let myself have this day to be upset. And tomorrow try to pick myself back up. 

I know if I'm patient someone will come along blah blah. I just don't know how to continue to stay patient when there are literally no prospects around anywhere. It's like how am I supposed to think that something like that can happen when I have no indicator to think so.

I dunno, hands down right now feels like one of my weakest moments I've ever experienced because it's coming from an issue I'm dealing with myself and no one has done anything. I'm upset because of how I feel about myself, and to me that's a weakness. 

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