“How long they choose to love you will never be your decision.”

Texting excerpt of life's new realizations

The best friend: He's not gonna forget you. You were an important part of his life. But sometimes when you push too hard for something you just push it further away. So whatever is meant to be will happen. And if you guys are meant to get back together again you will. But you can't makee him be your friend just so he won't forget about you. You'll just make him more bitter and ruin it more

Me: I hope soo..
Yeah I think that's why I didn't wanna let him go as a friend. Cause then he'd always be around for us to fix things you know. And by being nice and stuff he'd stop being bitter. That's how I thought about it, but clearly it's the opposite. But yeah I can't push it anymore I just thought I'd say that lastly so he knows how I feel..

Stuck

I just wanna be happy again. Like genuinely happy. Lately I've been underlyingly sad, constantly. How do I switch this around? I just want to have things work out the way they do and be patient and optimistic and happy regardless. 

That's not the way I work though, instead I get depressed and upset with myself over and over again. Everyday. Sometimes I can't take it but I don't know what else there is to do. 

Last time I thought about talking to a professional. But I have no idea how to go about that. So for now I'm stuck with myself. And this blog.

I forgot this existed. It's amazing. 

And you caused it

Shadows settle on the place, that you left.

Our minds are troubled by the emptiness.

Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time.

From the perfect start to the finish line.

And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.

'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.

Setting fire to our insides for fun

Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong

The lovers that went wrong.

We are the reckless,

We are the wild youth

Chasing visions of our futures

One day we'll reveal the truth

That one will die before he gets there.

And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones.

'Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone.

We're setting fire to our insides for fun.

Collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home,

It was a flood that wrecked this home.

And you caused it,

And you caused it,

And you caused it

Well I've lost it all, I'm just a silhouette,

A lifeless face that you'll soon forget,

My eyes are damp from the words you left,

Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.

Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.

And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one,

'Cause most of us are bitter over someone.

Setting fire to our insides for fun,

To distract our hearts from ever missing them.

But I'm forever missing him.

And you caused it,

And you caused it,

And you caused it

Daughters - Youth 

Always

"I love you enough to write poetry and essays of your value, volumes on your worth. I know writing them will not draw from you the emotional reciprocation I crave, but I want you to read them anyway…to stumble upon this in some dark corner of the Internet in the late night, lean back in your seat the way you do, and wonder to yourself, “Did she write this about me?” "  

Most of what I write is about him, he's the only person I know who knows how to find this, who I've directly written about. I've been hoping for months now that he stumbles across it sometimes. I want him to sift through all the gibberish, the random posts and notice that I mean what I say to him. I want him to understand how much I miss him. That I'll love him always like I said for two and a half years. And I'll patiently fight for him.. till he realizes.  

At this point I'm trying to deal with it the best way I can by occupying myself. But I'd drop anything and anyone to be with him again. (Even though there's no one to drop, you get my point) Being with him again is so important. 

I'll always be here. 

I'll always be fighting. 

“What you had will come back, again.
In other ways, in other times,
but it will return.”
—

The good moments

My sister and I don't talk often, like in depth about life. We obviously talk cause we live together. And we know we have eachother's back no matter what even when we're not talking, or I can't stand her breathing in my direction. But as I've gotten older, I've found her of such good use when I hit certain situations, like with advice or needing a good sounding board to vent to and vice versa.

Tonight I took advantage of that and although I laugh a bit at what she says when her motivational speaker comes through, she actually gave me solid advice on what to do next and I'm thankful for it.

I can like relax now, because I feel like things are gonna be fine..
Hopefully. I'm not psychic.

I'm going to fail my last exam tomorrow

I can't even focus right now and the thing is I know there's nothing more I can do. For now at least. So that's like tearing me apart and making me feel so sad. Like deep genuine emotional sadness. It all just slipped right through my fingers. Just like that. I didn't even get a chance to actually grasp it. What is this disappointing situation that happens to be: my life.

It's the same thing every. Single. Time. I have some sort of curse. I'm convinced. That nothing is ever going to grow to become anything solid. It happened several times, that must be the case.This isn't me assuming after one situation, it's been multiple times. So no one can convince me otherwise at all.

I don't even know what else to do. I'm not sad enough to cry or anything, I'm just frustrated. Pure frustration.

Like what the fuck.

I need a game plan.

ten eleven and twelve - thought provoking questions

10. When was the last time you lied? Why?
I think yesterday when I was updating my friends. I said that I was okay. That's it's whatever and I'm over it. I'm not. I'm still pretty bummed and I will be for a while. I lied because, I know that's how I should feel. I should be able to let it go easily. Move on, give up. Forget about something that wasn't even going that long anyway. But I can't. So I tell people I'm okay, then they don't have to worry about me or think something's wrong with me. I know something is wrong with me.

11. What will you never give up on?
University. I want to give up everyday. It's terrible how much I hate it. But I have to finish.

12. What is the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?
Ever is a big word. That would mean it would have to be at the top of my list. I don't think I can even remember right now. I am a spontaneous person, but I've yet to do something that is just super amazing. So I'm not gonna bore you.. One day.

Fact

I wake up always in the saddest moods... 

Bitter

Another situation gone to shit.. This is another one for my future book coming out that will gather and discuss all the amounts of rejection I face and the different boys who brought it upon me. I might as well. There are enough people, for my to write a book about it. And no a thin little one, a novel. I'm only 21, the list is only getting longer too. Get ready for it. I need to start writing these down too, cause I literally can feel myself forgetting. That's how many there are! I think I'm going to forget!

This time around I don't even know what went wrong. Normally I can pin-point where I just about fucked up, this time. I don't know. That's what makes me even more bitter about it. Yeah, I just admitted to being bitter. Do I anticipate this happening every single time? Yes. But does it still feel like crap? Hell yeah. Am I putting up a front like I'm "over it"? YUP.

But such is life. I'm told I can do better and to stay positive. But fuck that noise. I don't even care any more. No body is good enough, and I have no faith in the whole gender... That's the bitterness talking.

I'm also missing someone else. My ex turned best friend, turned continued best friend. And that almost brought me to tears how much I miss him tonight. I want to give up so badly. But I mentally, and physically can't. I just can't. We're supposed to be able to last longer than this. I believe we can. I believe this isn't the end. So I told him I'd be here when he's ready to have me back in his life, cause there is only so much fighting I can do.

every day

“It hurts every day, the absence of someone who was once there.”

— Marie Lu, Champion

“I started making plans, thinking we would get that far.”

—	Daniel Handler, Why We Broke Up

seven eight and nine - thought provoking questions

7. When is silence more meaningful than words?
When cuddling, always. In those awesome moments, talking isn't necessary and being comfortable in the silence makes it so much better.

8. What do you wish you knew?
I wish I knew, if what I hope to happen in life will actually end up happening. And I know it all depends how hard I work and all that stuff but shit happens. So I would like to know for sure. I also wish I knew I wasn't going to end up a lonely cat lady....


9. Are there chances you’ve passed up that you wish you’d have taken?
100% there is. Can I remember them? No. So clearly they weren't that important, all little things. Nothing life changing. Well actually who knows if they would have been life changing, I can look at it that way too.

There's no right answer..

Before I get into this, I have a confession to make. Midnight Memories is like my favourite right now. I'm not even going to say who's album this is, google it. That's how much of a guilty pleasure it is. I truly think they're all beautiful, so I'm shocked how much I'm enjoying these songs. Anyways, moving on. 

Today I asked my brotha from anotha motha for his opinion, because god knows girls need to ask a guy for their opinion every once in a while. As frustrating as they are making when I think they shouldn't even be breathing our air, the guy friends know what they're talking about sometimes. So I wanted to ask a guy I'm interested in if we're on the same page basically. I wanted an opinion on if it sounded bad or not/if I should or not. He told me not to, and to just enjoy what's going on. But my argument was, if I think it's going to go somewhere or see potential shouldn't I get to know if he does too or my. My friend said "no.. no you don't. That's defeating the purpose of seeing where things go. That means spontaneity." He ended off with telling me, that's just his opinion, and it could work it could not. Then I realized there's no right option. So fuck it. If I wanna ask I will, if I pussy out, I won't.

This all just reminded me that I was really really going to try that this time. I was going to be more chill, not fall so fast. Be patient blah blah blah all that terribly hard stuff. Honestly though, I have been doing way better this time let me just say that. But it was fun while it lasted cause now I want to figure this shit out. Before I go crazy, and waste time going crazy. Is that such a crime!?

I understand where my bro is coming from, he's also the king at it. I'm so jealous. But then my girlfriends who I've discussed it with all think I should just do it.

The curiosity will rip me apart if I don't do it. But I'll also be upset if it makes things weird. I'm not even scared for a no. Honestly it would save me so much trouble either way, ain't nobody got time for being wondering being confused. I think I just don't want to come off as eager, when I'm simply just curious. I don't want to come off  like I'm making this a bigger deal than it actually is, knowing will just dictate my next move. Things will stay the same or I'll walk away.

That's all it is. But shit's gotta be so much more difficult with interpretation, wording and timing. I don't know why I deal with this. I give up on the entire gender.

I don't know why making sure we both want the same thing should be such a big deal. If I want to fucking know, I should be allowed to confidently to find out without breaking any rules and guidelines.

“But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you’re not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are.”
— Ryan O’Connell

four five and six - thought provoking questions

4. Whose life do you believe you’ve had the biggest impact on?
This is hard, because I literally can't think of anyone's life I've had any impact on. Minus my parents. So I feel bad but I feel like I have yet to achieve this.

5. What is home to you?
Honestly it's my home city. Not even my actual house, but this city. Which can be a shitty boring place sometimes, over crowded and everyone complains about it daily. But I've lived here my entire life, I know it well and I feel most at home when I know where I am, and am comfortable. When I visit people away for a few days I always eventually feel a bit uneasy, and anxious because that city isn't my home. A sense of relaxation hits me when I finally arrive back here. That's how I know this place is my home. Unless I've flown away somewhere awesome, then truly I never want to come back. When I was dating my ex, this answer would have been different. I would have said wherever he was, and it would have been so true. I felt safe with him no matter where we were or what we were doing. Never anxious or uneasy always safe and comfortable.

6. Is there anybody in your life that you would like to forgive, but haven’t?
I don't think there is anyone. I've been hurt recently, I'm kind of holding a grudge about it, not really. It's complicated. I have no desire to truly forgive him and fully move on from it anyway, it's already happened or is happening and I'll never be okay with it. So is there anybody I would LIKE to forgive? That answer is no.

before sleeping

“I stay up just late enough until I am just exhausted enough that I can fall into my bed and sink into immediate slumber. Because I can’t stand lying in a bed in a dark room alone with just my thoughts for so many hours and hours.”
— Unknown

I can't stress enough how relevant this is, I find myself unconsciously doing this sometimes. If I know I won't fall asleep soon, I don't bother going to bed because thinking about my life sometimes makes me go crazy. Especially because it takes a long while for me to fall asleep, that span of time can be absolute torture.

“the nightmare of losing you,
is not as awful
as waking up in sweat,
and realizing that having you,
was a dream” 

— Dereck Giguere

first second and third - thought provoking questions

1. What is one of the nicest things someone has ever done for you?

My sister has helped pay for my tuition for university, I say this is one of the nicest thing out of everything because going to school is super important to my journey in life in accomplishing what I want to and it wouldn't have been possible without her most the time, when that time of year rolled around. So yeah, for sure that sibling really has helped me out.

2. Who/what do you love most and what are you doing about it?

This will be a better answer if I do who AND what. So who I love most minus my family because I have no choice and they're a given. Are my best friends. Like the ones I text daily who know everything happening in my life, minute minute play by plays of every crucial situation and the not so crucial ones. The ones I call shamelessly crying who won't judge me and are just there for me no matter what and vice versa. I love them more than anything. What am I doing about it, I make sure they know I'm grateful for each of them and sustaining these relationships as best I can because some of them are just like so once in a lifetime that I can't imagine replacing or letting end.

What I love is writing and music. What am I doing about it? I am writing on a daily basis (kinda) about anything. Mostly the 21 year unfortunate situation that is: my life. As for music I am always listening, reading and searching music daily. I write about music. I go to concerts. I don't mean music as in instrument I mean it as in, like bands, artists, performances etc. And I could be more invested in it (but schools on right now so gimme a break) but I'm never not invested in it so, points for that.

3. How do you show yourself that you love yourself?

Okay I'm going to grow my answer from the idea of those moments where I feel like I really love myself. So I don't care if you think my answer is silly because it's my answer. I show myself I really love myself by doing the physical things such as shaving, putting on make-up, doing my hair, putting lotion on, just getting out the shower and other awesome annoying moments like these. These are such time consuming things to do I realize this, and complain and slack on doing them all the time I admit. But they are what I do, to take care of myself and my appearance and I love myself a great amount when I feel good in my skin and these are the things I do to achieve that. Let me give you a solid example. These past few days I've been stuck in my house doing nothing. When I go a few days without wearing a real outfit or doing my hair or putting on makeup I start to feel like crapola. So tomorrow I'm hanging out with my girlfriends to get my groove back I'm gonna put on a full face of makeup, do my hair, put on some cute clothes, shave and head out the door probably overdone but I don't care because it makes me love being me and feel confident when I'm able to look my best every once in a while. 

Now I mention and label them physical things because they go in that category. Another way I show I love myself is by writing. I'm able to reflect and notice things I wouldn't normally if I didn't take the time to sit down and express them. It doesn't mean I'm always proud of my decisions or the things that happen, but it helps me learn to accept them, accept who I am, where I'm going, how things are at the moment and in turn I'm able to show myself some love and appreciation that I'm doing fine everything is going to be fine, I'm still awesome.

boring boring boring boring.

I could have written so much today. But I've completely slowed down on posting. Not sure why, for a while there it was because I was incredibly upset by something that happened, now I feel like I'm sort of numb to it, and I just want to forget about those people and what's going on. And just focus on being happy. I told my friend I no longer can handle even talking to him because all it does is make me upset, and she said "remember what you said before, your happiness comes first!" And she's awesome for reminding me of that.

Any ways, exams are going pretty good the reason I say I could have written so much today was because I was home all day doing literally nothing. I don't have an exam for another two days, and my last minute studying technique is working so I'm gonna stick with it. Therefore it's been sitting on my laptop all day. Well I had an 8am exam so I definitely napped. But enough about my incredibly boring day.

 I came across this awesome list today of questions to ask yourself and other people and I thought it would be cool to split them up and go through the whole list here. So I will get right on that, there actually pretty thought provoking I must say, so if you meet someone and you want them to spill their guts, check these out. I have yet to use them as I found them today but I promise I will. I will even tell you when I have done it!

“And then it hit me like a bag of bricks. You hurt me like no other. You destroyed me. And no matter what you say or do from this point on, it will never be enough.”

— K.B.

Scatter brained

Such a solid end to the weekend. Saturday went down to st.catherines/niagara to visit someone, and then we were going to hang out for a friends birthday. I spent more money than I should have of course. But it was a lot of fun. I have no idea where I stand with this person, we click so well. But I think we both can't tell what eachother is thinking about anything. It's we're but I was always not sure about him, because he was just a good distraction talking to him so much. But now I think I'm starting to like him? I put the question mark cause I don't really know. I'm trying to hold off on that as long as I can. To save myself from going mental and getting frustrated.

I'm just over putting any effort, and having it all go to waste. I need someone to come along and put 100% into winning ME over. That's all I want. I have no energy any more to play games, bend over backwards, in hopes they'll fall for me. If I don't see the interest from the start then, byeee.

I also have an exam at 8am that I haven't started studying for, so that's awesome.

Also I deleted the other one's number again. I give trying to talk to him. All it does it get my hopes up and then piss me off because it's not the same. So fuck that. I'm done trying. I'm just not going to talk to him again. Cause I can't even deal with putting myself through that and caring so much about something or someone who doesn't care about me. I feel no more ways about, like I'll miss him, and it sucks we can't just be normal again, but it's not my fault. I'm coming to terms with the fact that if he wants to push me away, then I'm gone.

I think about fighting for him everyday. Everyday before I fall asleep I think of a new way, every morning I contemplate it. But I never take any of my (awesome) ideas seriously because I can't see it being worth it. He used to be so worth it. Before all of this happened we were so amazing and it was so worth it and I thought about then to, but now he's acting like I'm a nobody.

So fuck him.
Over it.

holy shit. accurate.

“It’s important to keep your feelings and your self worth in different places, because when feelings get hurt it shouldn’t change how you view yourself.”

—	Kaci Diane