It's been two weeks. What the fuck Paula!

Everytime I wake up, my emotions are at an all time high of either anxiety or just plain sadness. It happens everyday pretty much. It has been happening the last few weeks. Currently this morning I feel incredibly anxious. With life.

Every morning I have to just push through it and keep going till I feel just okay again, later on in the morning or afternoon. 

It's as though everytime I wake I'm instantly reminded of why I'm hurt or stressing. I'm waking up from some sort of coma and I can feel all the pain from before I went to sleep rush in. 

This is actually the best way I can explain because that's how it feels to me. 

I'm waiting for the day I can wake up happy, hopeful, confident, grateful, and positive. But I don't know how close I am to those days, or if I'm even remotely close at all.

I'm also just sick of not being able to forget about it and move on. I'm sick of thinking about it. I'm disgusted with myself that I still yearn for this person more than anything. 

I'm sick of myself. 

That I've been left in this situation once again. 

life changer

I normally don't even share on here when I get tickets to a concert, or if I've gone to one. Any way the ticket my friend bought for me last night (I'm going to pay her back obviously) is by far the best investment I think I'll ever make in an event.

On November 12th 2013 I am going to be in the same vicinity as the one and only Yeezus to watch him perform. He's touring the album I've probably literally, listened to 100 times. No exaggeration there if you knew me on a personal level this summer.

It literally just shot me with instant happiness. I've been waiting to see this man live, for years and years, and I feel like this is the concert I was meant to wait and be patient to get tickets for.

It's going to be such a crucial concert to my entire life, out of all the concerts I have and will ever go to. I'm already calling it being in the top three.

I have nothing but faith in this man, that he will blow my mind.

Like if we're going to be really honest when the opener Kendrick Lamar finishes, I'm probably going to start tearing up. That's how excited I am. And it's in two months. I have no time to mentally prepare.

“You need to realize that the way you are feeling now will not be permanent”

— R.h

my person

The best friend responded to the entire story that's been happening the past couple weeks today. She gave me, an ear full doesn't even do it justice. I'm so used to her tough love though, so I handled it. Her points were right, and I knew everything she was going to say. But sometimes I still need to hear it. So I can hear out loud how stupid I am. Some people are really soft and easy with their opinions, when I tell them what's up but she never holds back. As much as I like to cringe before starting getting back my response or say I know what she'll say so why bother, I need it. I need her. As a person.

Grey's anatomy reference, she's my person.

I don't know what to do.

I'm terribly, terribly sad these days.
I'm having trouble sleeping, and I've barely been eating. Which if anyone knows me, is not apart of my characteristics. I don't know what to do, I only know one person who can fix it. Who I want to fix it.
I really want to talk to a professional at this point, if I'm going to be completely honest.  They're job is to spend the time listening to me and help guide me through how to put up with myself in this state. I can't imagine burdening the people in my life with my feelings any more than I already have. Just writing right now, vaguley about everything I have bottled up, is bringing me to tears.

I don't know what to do.

I've only just begun my twenties, and this is true.

“The hardest period in life is one’s twenties. It’s a shame because you’re your most gorgeous and you’re physically in peak condition. But it’s actually when you’re most insecure and full of self-doubt. When you don’t know what’s going to happen, it’s frightening.”

— Helen Mirren
(via paveo)

In addition

From 40 days of dating
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now?
We continued to talk on the grass. He said he didn’t think it was a defence mechanism with me, but that he didn’t think we were right for each other. He said something about me rubs him the wrong way romantically. He said my strong feelings for him deeply worry him, and, like usual, I was moving too quickly. He said if we continued to date he would just fall back into his old habits and that he didn’t want to hurt me. He said I deserve more.


Is there anything that you want to do differently?
I told him I understood. However, I can’t deny feeling rejection and pain. I already loved him as a friend. After I allowed myself to open up to him and let my guard down, I’ve started to fall for him romantically. It seems I’ve repeated the same pattern again. I opened up too quickly, empathized too deeply, and I have another failed relationship to add to the list. I don’t know what to do or think at all anymore.


Relevantttttttttttttttttttt.

Let go

There is this blog I found titled 40 days of dating involving two New York based designers who are both good friends, and tired of their dating habits. So they date for 40 days, with rules such as they have to see each other everyday, answer a series of questions everyday, and go to couples therapy for forty days. This is real, it's not scripted or anything like that. And I am absolutely fascinated by it.

I feel like I relate to the girl in more ways, and it makes me so much more interested in how she answers her questions more then his. She can be controlling, negative, scared to be vulnerable, she obsesses over things easily, a hopeless romantic, who jumps into relationships (or expects it) frequently. Although I still read his regardless cause they're both interesting. They just both have good outlooks on different situations, they're different sides fascinates me even more.

On day thirty-seven, the girl Jessica wrote on her side:

Did you learn anything new about yourself?
We talked about how empowering it was for me to “let go” a few weeks ago and to stop trying to define the relationship. In the past I have put too much pressure on myself to determine if the person I was dating was right long-term. If a guy didn’t give himself to me wholeheartedly, I would give up on the relationship out of fear of failure. I couldn’t enjoy dating in the moment.

This stood out to me a lot. If there was ever an issue I had, that related to Jessica's dating habits it was that one. When she says, we talked about, she is referring to their therapy session. Any way, I feel like she was literally speaking to me. That's the biggest problem I have. I realize it, and by then it's already too late because I've already been in this controlling pressure adding rampage. I bet it would feel wonderful to let go, but my first instinct, isn't that. Well, relationship talking. I really need to remember this next time because by the time I'm reminded it's gone. Then that's when it hits me that I really did enjoy exactly what it was, whatever it was, weather it was going no where or not. But then it's over.

I need to staple this onto my forehead or make a wall sized mural of it in my bedroom or something.
This also brings me to my next thought, it would also be awesome to talk to a therapist I think. I feel like it would feel amazing in the end, it would be positive and enlightening. I look at it as a way to gain a new perspective, it would be awesome to say things you normally wouldn't say to even your closest friends or family. I would love to do that.

Someone want to get on that task for me ?

I'm not okay, I'm just not.

I still feel really weird. I can't put a finger on if I'm sad, or upset, or angry, or confused, or hopeful, or it's low self-esteem or disappointment. It's all of these things. How my feelings are broken down and as to which I feel more or less I couldn't tell you. 

Anyone notice I didn't put happy up there on that list? 

I'm trying the whole fake it till I make it deal with that emotion. If I just keep portraying I'm okay? I eventually will be? That's how I've heard it works. But I spend more time alone then I do pretending to be happy for anyone, so that's a negative. 

I just want to feel okay with the way things turned out. I want to be able to accept it. I want to believe, everything happens for a reason and all that bullshit. So I can stop checking my phone, so I can stop thinking about him, or it. So I can stop beating myself up, or thinking it's all going to change and go back.

I 100% understand why I should let it go, I understand the mindset I need to be in to let it go. But mentally I just haven't been able to, and it's killing me. 

“As time goes on, you’ll understand. What lasts, lasts; what doesn’t, doesn’t. Time solves most things. And what time can’t solve, you have to solve yourself.”

- Haruki Murakami

“That’s why she’s in love with you, you know…There were a lot of other boys, but they didn’t scare her. She rather frightened them, I think. You’re very different. But I think you frightened her, and that’s why she likes you.”

- Aurelia Plath, Sylvia 

New year

I just updated my schedule to pretty fit exactly how I want it, with the options given. I have Tuesdays, Fridays, and most the day Monday off which is awesome because that's three days to get lots of sleep in. Which is really, all I'm ever aiming for when creating my schedule.

I'm going to try and meet more people this semester. I haven't said this out loud yet but I'm going to try to go to pub night more, and meet more upper year students who are my age. Nothing is wrong with the kids I hang out with now, who aren't. I would just like to get to know more people who I can connect with better.

With that being said, it's also my first year at university single. Which honestly, would be an awesome advantage if I was in a year with other 21 year old's, but I'll try my best to make the best of it. This will be interesting.

Get your shit together, right now.

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I need to stop feeling like I've lost something or someone. Like Ive lost this stupid fucking game. I should be able to accept and realize that it's not only his loss but I shouldn't want someone who makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Right now I feel like I'm not good enough. And it's a horrific thought, it's fact that I'm beyond good enough.

Yesterday and today took a giant 180... I wasn't ready for it.

Ah fuck. I don't even know if I should be writing right now. I'm so upset right now, if the world must know I'm currently crying as I'm typing this. There aren't even words. I feel like my chest is in pain. Like I just got hit by a ton of bricks. I've never wanted someone so bad, since my ex and I'm putting all the blame on myself right now for fucking everything up. When I shouldn't be. I feel like all I do is keep putting myself out there, and then get rejected. I knew I shouldn't have got my hopes up. I absolutely fucking knew it. Every time I told my friends, I'm not getting too excited because watch what'll happen. It has officially happened.

It works out either I screw everything up, or it turns out they actually just didn't like me but were too lazy to tell me sooner. In this case it's a bit of both. I feel like I tried so hard. I don't think I've ever tried that hard for someone before in my life. I don't think I've ever been lead on so badly before in my life. This is going to be such a major portion of my book you all don't even know.

I know I'm awesome I can honestly and truly say this isn't a major shot to my ego because I know I'm fucking awesome, hot, funny, smart and fun my opinion of myself in that respect has not changed. I promise that. I just hate that I can't get other people to see it and want more of it. I feel like at some point on my blog I've said that line before. I probably have, because it's true. It makes me upset that other people don't see it or in my eyes it's as if they get to see I'm all of those things, and they throw in the towel like: nevermind I actually don't want it. So they recognize it and still don't want it.

I can't help but like replay every decision I ever made this entire time. How I should have done everything differently. It's terrible and it's make this so hard.

I'm vowing to myself to not pursue again for a long time. I don't care if a fucking Ryan Gosling look a like is at my school this year. I want the next person I give any attention to, begging on their fucking hands and knees for me. I'm not accepting anything less.  

I feel like you can read my blog from day one, and it's incredibly obvious how much I'm looking for that person, again. My ex was the most closest to perfect person for me I've ever known. It's obvious that, I'm trying every which way I can, I get incredibly emotionally invested from the beginning and I get hurt often and easily. I'm coming to terms with the truth behind this only now. I don't think its a really bad thing, I just think I need to stop putting myself through this so much.

I need to remember that there might be someone out there for me, like okay there probably is.

There's a name for my need to write things down.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/how-and-why-to-keep-a-commonplace-book/

Above is a link to an article from one of my absolute favourite sites, ever invented. Anyway, it's about creating a common place book. Which before reading, I had no idea what it was to be honest, but turns out I'm already doing it.

On tumblr, and this is probably one of the only reasons I will never let go of tumblr. Several months ago I started reblogging a ton of quotes that stuck out to me. They were so relevant and articulated so well what I was definitely not able to explain myself. Then in my mind I realized, the quotes that I love are just getting pushed lower and lower on my tumblr and they disappear and losing them worried and saddened. So I started to write down all of the ones that meant the most to me. Then I can look back on for self evaluation and all that fun stuff later one.

This is in a nutshell pretty much what a common place book is. But it is not always quotations, its anything you pretty much read, articles, lines or excerpts from books, quotes, things that can be used for meditation, writing, and help in any way shape or form in the future.

The awesome part about it is that "some of the greatest men and women in history have kept these books" then it goes into all that historical information which you can read over there. If we want to look at it in the awesome way that I am. I'm basically, on the verge of becoming one of the greatest women, in history.

The article says at first not to worry about organization, which is a good thing because right now mine are pages and pages broken up in my journal. But now that I know this is a real thing, I feel like I need to get my shit together and organize all of it.

It also gives plenty and plenty of tips on what you should do to maintain your own in the article above. One of the most important things, I think is to write it down. Don't highlight it, bookmark it, fold the corner  or make a word doc and then let it sit there. I knew this on my own and you should figure it out too.

WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN. If you don't then it obviously wasn't that important now was it.

yes yes yes

"I want to torture you.. I want to make you crazy for me.. I want you in the middle of the street, screaming to the heavens .. I want you unable to breath, unable to think, unable to see.. I want you.. to want me." 

- August J

I'm in need of some of that basic shit..

“You are not clingy, or needy, or silly for having needs for affection and affirmation and attention within a romantic relationship. Those needs aren’t an embarrassing outgrowth of your low-self esteem or depression or whatever messy emotional issues you may have going on, that’s just basic shit that people need from each other. We of course should not make our partners responsible for meeting all of our emotional needs – it’s not someone’s else’s job to make you happy. But inside a healthy relationship, being able to show affection, pay attention, and demonstrate “you are amazing and important to me” is a pleasure, not some task or burden.”

— Jennifer Peepa

If I had a dollar, for every time someone called me white...

" Nobody should feel as if their identity is being erased just because they dress a little quirky. There have always been black people and other people of color who have dressed in awesomely strange and unique ways. White people don’t have a monopoly on anything and everything vaguely alternative and it was so alienating to grow up with the idea that the way I dressed or the things I was interested in made me something I wasn’t. Last time I checked, there was nothing white about wearing shirts of your favorite music act or liking combat boots or wanting green hair. " 

- Ashley Reese 

Read more: http://www.gurl.com/2013/08/26/being-weird-and-black-doesnt-mean-im-acting-white/#ixzz2dEiXTdCr 

The best excerpt that stood out to me in an article I found. It relates entirely to my struggle growing up as a young black girl, (still am actually I'm only 21 in a month) who hit a point probably in highschool where I decided to do whatever the fuck I want. It took me a while to get comfortable with this though, I must admit. 

If you knew I had a tattoo that says: stay true, this is mainly why. Because I'd like to think that as long as I'm here on this polluted planet I'll forever continue to do things for myself and not to please others. 

back and forth back and forth

I've never known how bad I want something, till it becomes so fucking hard to make it happen. I'm super impulsive. Contemplating my desire, lasts about 10 seconds. But this isn't coming that easy lately. So I need to stop and think, if any of this bullshit is even worth it, if my stressing, worrying and insecurity is worth it and why it would be. Reasons are constantly flowing through my head. Back and forth. And I currently have nothing else to occupy my mind with. So this isn't a fun little point in time I'm in at all.


It's like I see the possibility for something so awesome, and I can't let it go.

Ready with no where to go

Actions speak louder than words. Always? Or just sometimes? Or is it when you want to believe they do? When does this statement actually apply. The thing is I want to believe it's true, and if any of my friends came up to me about an issue this was relevant to I would love to throw this one liner at them. But when it comes to my own situation, turns out I'm a big pussy, and I just feel like giving out chances, taking the other persons side and giving them the benefit of the doubt all left right and centre. It's something I feel like I know I need to change. I mean I feel like it would benefit me quit a bit, if I was more stern about my decisions and was more of a hard ass when it comes to how I react to other peoples actions making me feel not the best.

I don't want to say I'm gullible, I know to take everything with a grain of salt. My optimism is one of my greatest strengths, but I can also be sceptical of people. I have this idea that we never really get to know someone which I don't think is a bad thing. But I digress. Point I'm trying to make is, I'm a positive person, but I hurt pretty easily therefore I like to believe that the reason this person bailed on me tonight is legitimate. I know what it is, but by legitimate I mean there's no secret underlying subliminal message behind it.

This kind of sounds all over the place, and I apologize for that, hopefully you can find the connection between all of it. I was just pretty disappointed tonight. And my opinion about it as opposed to my friends words "Well I could have told you that was going to happen because he's waste" really got me thinking. Don't even get me started on the whole, liking someone your friends don't, topic. That is a whole other post.

Making something out of nothing with this one.

Today I've done absolutely nothing. I cleaned my room. Then watched two documentaries on Netflix.

I really don't want to complain about my uselessness because in just over two weeks I'm going to want to jump off a building because I'll be in school. So I should really, just be thankful. I should also be thankful of how much I was able to do this summer with my friends, with barely working. I was able to still have a lot of fun. I didn't get to go to the beach, go karting, or wonderland and probably now go to the CNE. That I wasn't able to do everything I wanted to makes me sad summer is ending more than anything. But last summer I did plenty of those things so you win some you loose some.

Another fun fact I've noticed is that my blog is getting views. Crazy right?! I'll come back to do something then notice the number increased. Like I'm saying this cause it's not just by one or two. It could honestly be the same person or people. Or it could be a clicked mistake, it could be witchcraft. I don't even care. The fact that more people than I thought out there might be reading my hot mess of a life and mind is mind blowing to me. In all honestly, I was under the impression no more than maybe, two people read it. So that's really awesome and if you got this far in this incredibly boring post. Hey, how are you?

My brothers wedding is in one week exactly tomorrow. I can't believe it's here already. I got my flask. Just need to get the alcohol to put in it and it is going to be a shit show. Specially wearing the massive ass heels I have to wear, which I have no idea how to walk in because: fuck heels.

What else, oh last but not least! I am currently still on the verge of being an old lonely cat lady when I'm older. No big deal though, I'll have dogs too as well a book under my belt about my journey of rejection.

I got a fun life ahead of me! woo!

Reminder: Don't Settle.

“Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.”

—	Steve Jobs

Wait. Pause.

I just got a fucking job. Yes me. The one who is forever unemployed, has a job. This is the best news I've gotten, probably all damn summer. I'm so happy right now I'm going to freak out. It's also at a store I actually want to work at. The sad thing is, its retail, so I gotta make sure I do really well. But I'm so grateful, I'm going to make sure I do awesome.

I can't believe this.

Like moment of silence, cause the struggle was real.. I started from the bottom with this one.

If I had a dollar...

Fuck, I just got home from a good date. And the fucking person, I would drop anything or anyone for. Right now. Not the one I went on the date with, is making me feel like shit. 

I can't even. Literally, nothing works out for me, ever. It's funny my friends and people think I actually have my shit together, it's not just funny, it's hilarious cause the truth is so incredibly far from. I have no idea what I'm doing, I'm confused and lost and stressed 24/7. I feel like after summer I'll be alone. I feel insecure, I feels undesired, I feel stupid, I feel angry, I feel like I get the shittiest shit end of the stick every time. 

I'm raging right now, rather than feeling like shit it's like. 60% 30% type of thing. Cause I'm fucking amazing, the shit part is that I'm the only one that thinks so. The raging part is that fact that I've done this to myself again. 

Pardon my language. 

I want to walk away but I feel stuck

I'm exhausted and I don't wanna chase anyone anymore. Right now. I'm sure I'll feel compelled in the future but right now it's just not reaping the benefits it should. I have a feeling I'm back in a super similar situation to someone else.

A situation I promised myself I wouldn't let happen again. I'm gaining the same feelings of being lead on, insecurity,  frustration, confusion, hopefulness, disappointment, and sadness. And any other shitty feeling you can think of that relates. Except anger, I'm not angery or bitter. This is just life sometimes I get that too, no one promised me anything when I went after this person either. 

Unless things turn around though, I shouldn't even wanna be with anyone who makes me feel any of these things.