Monday, September 2, 2013

Yesterday and today took a giant 180... I wasn't ready for it.

Ah fuck. I don't even know if I should be writing right now. I'm so upset right now, if the world must know I'm currently crying as I'm typing this. There aren't even words. I feel like my chest is in pain. Like I just got hit by a ton of bricks. I've never wanted someone so bad, since my ex and I'm putting all the blame on myself right now for fucking everything up. When I shouldn't be. I feel like all I do is keep putting myself out there, and then get rejected. I knew I shouldn't have got my hopes up. I absolutely fucking knew it. Every time I told my friends, I'm not getting too excited because watch what'll happen. It has officially happened.

It works out either I screw everything up, or it turns out they actually just didn't like me but were too lazy to tell me sooner. In this case it's a bit of both. I feel like I tried so hard. I don't think I've ever tried that hard for someone before in my life. I don't think I've ever been lead on so badly before in my life. This is going to be such a major portion of my book you all don't even know.

I know I'm awesome I can honestly and truly say this isn't a major shot to my ego because I know I'm fucking awesome, hot, funny, smart and fun my opinion of myself in that respect has not changed. I promise that. I just hate that I can't get other people to see it and want more of it. I feel like at some point on my blog I've said that line before. I probably have, because it's true. It makes me upset that other people don't see it or in my eyes it's as if they get to see I'm all of those things, and they throw in the towel like: nevermind I actually don't want it. So they recognize it and still don't want it.

I can't help but like replay every decision I ever made this entire time. How I should have done everything differently. It's terrible and it's make this so hard.

I'm vowing to myself to not pursue again for a long time. I don't care if a fucking Ryan Gosling look a like is at my school this year. I want the next person I give any attention to, begging on their fucking hands and knees for me. I'm not accepting anything less.  

I feel like you can read my blog from day one, and it's incredibly obvious how much I'm looking for that person, again. My ex was the most closest to perfect person for me I've ever known. It's obvious that, I'm trying every which way I can, I get incredibly emotionally invested from the beginning and I get hurt often and easily. I'm coming to terms with the truth behind this only now. I don't think its a really bad thing, I just think I need to stop putting myself through this so much.

I need to remember that there might be someone out there for me, like okay there probably is.

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