A Job? Yeah, those aren't really my thing.

I got fired today. Well yesterday because it's after midnight right now. Part of me felt a little bit of embarrassment and then part of me felt sadness and then part of me is just exhausted.

Embarrassed because I wasn't good enough, to where they would want me to continue working there. But only a little bit, because I really like who I am, and I tried my best to perform the way they wanted. I really did and if that isn't good enough then that's that. I guess I'm more shy, and timid than I think I am in my head. Or at least compared to the extreme opposite personality that they would have liked.

Sad because I actually loved a lot of the people that I worked with, they were really cool and I didn't get to say bye to most of them. Which sucks, and now I feel hella uncomfortable even going there to eat at all. Cause of the emotion mentioned in the previous paragraph.

Now I have to job hunt again, and stress about paying for school again. Which at this rate, aint happening and I'll probably just go in to crazy stupid debt paying for school at this point. Which makes me want to not even go back, so badly.

I feel like I've tried every job at this point, and now there's no where, where I can fit and actually have a prolonged time of employment. I just want something with hands-on tasks, individual tasks, or something where I have to write and not interact with people. Cause clearly at this point, it's not my forte at all.

I should be asleep.

progress.
Keep it moving. I'm slowly coming to terms with letting go. In no way am I mad for how long it has taken. I just knew if things have not turned out the way I would have liked this was bound to happen eventually. It's weird, I don't want to draw to much attention to it, cause then it might stop. But I'm still proud of myself. For dealing with it in the way that I have.

I have stressed and yearned for someone who is in no way deserving of a thought in my mind, let alone, the anxiety and frustration that comes with it. I can be told it time and time again that I'm wasting my time, or to forget about it, but it doesn't happen that way. So I've started to ignore that advice and the lack of impact it has. I've just been waiting for me to realize it and be comfortable with it on my own. On my own time. And I'm getting there and I love it.

Now don't hold this against me for the rest of my life. I mean, I can only pray, and hope that this continues and the control over me won't ever come back in the future. But I have no idea what will happen. I just know I'm trying to be happy right now. Without this person in any way shape or form being the reason for my happiness.. or unhappiness.

make sense?

 

“I give myself five days to forget you.
on the first day I rust.
on the second I wilt.
on the third day I sit with friends but I think about your tongue.
I clean my room on the fourth day. I clean my body on the fourth day.
I try to replace your scent on the fourth day.
the fifth day, I adorn myself like the mouth of an inmate.
a wedding singer dressed in borrowed gold.
the midas of cheap metal.
tinsel in the middle of summer.
crevice glitter, two days after the party.
I glow the way unwanted things do,
a neon sign that reads;
come, I still taste like someone else’s mouth.”

— Warsan Shire

I feel like my mood is changing, from one extreme to the next. Quickly and often. This is giving me a super uneasy and uncomfortable feeling. It's hard to explain.The only thing I can do is try to write and decipher what's making me feel so sad. Then after that, letting out what is making me happy. Then what makes me feel lonely, and undesired. In my hopes to try and reach more of a sense of ease with myself.

This is all sounding like it's not making much sense. I just feel like trivial things are having a strong impact on me more than they should.

I need to relax. like truly relax.

Self-Esteem is still in check.

Rejection.
I only realize how strong of a person I am and my resilience as a human being, when I endure rejection. There is no other time, where I display a clear example to myself that I can handle not being accepted in the way I'd hoped or not being looked at in a certain way. That I can continue to put a smile on my face, and sometimes pretend like it doesn't even phase me at all is one hell of a good job on my part.

It's one part of who I am that I am incredibly proud of. I'm not saying it does not effect me. It definitely does. I promise you that. But I don't let it effect how I see myself or let it impact my emotional state to a serious degree. I've spent a lot of time, trying to become comfortable with who I am. In no way shape or form does going through this make me question who I am.

I've reached a point where I'm beyond automatically calling the person, dumb, or an asshole, or rude. That's never been the case and it's always easier to resort to that then to just admit they're simply not interested. What I chose to do after that is up to me but resorting to viewing a person negatively because my feelings have been hurt by something so out of the control. In the sense that, they are just playing off how they feel. Is silly.

I'm an awesome person. Bottom line. No doubt about it. The hardest part about it is, realizing that this other person you so badly hope can see it. Doesnt't.

how does this dating thing work again?

Today I spent the evening with someone I've been texting for quit a long time. Well the big deal is, that it was the first time we had hung out after talking for a significant amount of time. I'd had already been super interested in getting to know this person before today. And I understand speaking to someone through a distant form of communication such as text message, is absolutely nothing like real life. Therefore I tried my best not to get my hopes up, that the conversation, and how comfortable it was to be the same. But it turned out to not be so different.

I've always found people I'm interested in to have a good amount of intelligence. A quality I look for in someone and this person holds that quality to the highest degree out of probably anyone that I know. It's one thing I also find incredibly attractive about them as well. He checks off in all the other boxes, but we all know sometimes that just isn't enough. This time it's more than enough.

It's terrifying to feel so much like you want to know everything about someone. I feel a sense of vulnerability again that I haven't felt in a long time. Well with anyone new at least. That's a feeling that's lingered for many years with specific people in my life. Eventually it sort of turned old and stale and I don't even pay attention to it any more. Right now it's fresh and alive, and it scares me just to the think that this person now has the power to make me feel sad, and desperate any minute. I mean, not that this person is aware of their power as of yet, but they could have this happen and not even realize they're doing it all the same.

I've been waiting so long to spend time with this person. I can't believe I'm back at home already. I literally just want to go back and do it all over again. Not because it wasn't great, I just feel like it all happened so fast.

Sometimes I want to recite quotes to people I know.

“If people want to let you go, just let them do it. They may not understand who you are. So don’t play around with fire; don’t give them their cake and let them eat it too. Here is your rule of thumb: they either commit to you or get none of you.”

— Joey Furjanic

words to live by

“So you plant your own garden and
decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
for someone to bring you flowers.”

— Jorge Luis Borge

“I could start fires with what I feel for you.”

— Fires, David Ramirez

My thoughts on a Tuesday night

What do I want? 

There are actually hundreds of thousands physical objects I can list that I want. I'm the queen of wanting things, or as I like to justify it, needing things. But things I want in life that I can't actually grasp with my hands, I have a list of those too. 

I want happiness. Alone, with myself. I want to be entirely fulfilled, and when someone comes along to simply add to it. I want a strong romance when they come, even if it's harder and it hurts more. I want confidence in who I am, and who I'm turning out to be. Physical confidence would be nice too. That actually lasts and doesn't fade from day to day. I want more faith that things are going to be okay. Let's not shoot our minds straight to religious faith, but just something that goes a different direction. That "this too shall pass" cliche that, down the road I'll have survived and done fine. I want excitement. I want adventure. 

I want sleep. Is what I truly want right now. I'm incredibly tired. 

Other people always say it better than I can

“Sometimes, I feel the past and the future pressing so hard on either side that there’s no room for the present at all.”

— Evelyn Waugh

sweet baby jesus!

The Great Gatsby was so incredibly good. Please don't mind the amount of times I'm about to say like but. I'm like freaking out. The whole time I was thinking Leonardo DiCaprio needs to take me now, my body is ready. He was so perfect. Not just perfect looking but his acting was too amazing.

I loved every second of it. And I want to see it again. Anyone willing to see it again with me ?

That movie was well worth the wait. Like holy shit.

Like how can someone create something so good. It's too much.

“Once someone’s hurt you, it’s harder to relax around them, harder to think of them as safe to love. But it doesn’t stop you from wanting them.” 

— White Cat by Holly Black

They were all necessary I swear!

I need to stop spending invisible money.
My last few big purchases on my credit card have been:

Mad Decent Ticktets
A Yoga Mat
And Running Shoes
(that's all I can think of right now)  

All three things in support of me either having an awesome summer, or a solid body. Which in my eye seems pretty worth it.

But now I need to stop. Like for real.

...someone come take my credit card..

the next 30 days

I signed up for yoga today with a friend. We have the next 30 days to go as often as we want. So of course to get our monies worth, we are going every single day for 30 days. Which is going to take a toll on our bodies in a good and bad way. Good because they'll be solid, and awesome for summer. Bad because we will probably be sore a lot. But it will all be worth it.

Hopefully this whole mediation, relieving my body of stress, and strengthening and flexibility journey is all it's cracked up to be. I'm anticipating a ton of positive results from committing to this. I feel like the only way to be aware of them is to document it throughout.

Do I need to sell my soul? Cause I'm down.

What I want more than ever is to move out. If there was anything I could right now to make it happen ten times faster I would do it in a heartbeat.

Everyday my want for my freedom and solitude increases immensely. I literally find myself constantly day dreaming about what it would be like.

I don't care if I'm going to live in a two by two foot box. I don't care if I can only afford froot loops for every single meal. I don't care if my family says no. When it's possible, I'm out.

At the beginning it was always just like a whatever thought. But these past several months I've never known I was ready for anything more.

It's not to say I'm running away from the problems my family causes me. That's not the case. Considering they'll still be in my life. I just need to experience living away, for myself. Where I can be reserved, and not bothered and annoyed and not have people complain about my personality. When in actuality there is nothing to complain about.

Oh my god, it's going to be the greatest most glorious day.

Damn Oscar, right on point.

“The only one you need in your life is that person who shows you he needs you in his.”

— Oscar Wilde

Why have most girls been brainwashed into thinking it’s not okay to ask a guy out first? (Key word: most. I know you go getter chicks out there don't give a fuck. I hear you.) Or automatically be in hopes he’ll ask us girls out first? And why is it that the girl can come off as desperate so easily when it comes to pursuing a guy in any sort of aggressive way, for example like he would go about it, making plans, first moves etc.

Why can’t it all just be fair game?



I say this as I continue to carry out these silly rules. 

the perfect artist has been found

I just made my tattoo consultation appointment. I'm incredibly excited, and nervous to have to hide two tattoo's but, I've done pretty well with one, so what's one more.


and then one more.
and then one more.
and then one more.

the list goes on, of what I want to get done.

Big Questions

How do you define truth?
Truth comes from that gut feeling that never goes away

What drains your soul?
People who aren't genuine

What recharges it ?
Solitude, and writing.

What brings you joy?
Freedom, which I don't entirely have yet, but when I do. It will be endless joy.

What is one thing that you know for sure?
That life goes on. Even if things don't go my way as much as I want them to, or I feel like it couldn't get any worse. Life's gonna keep it moving and I pretty much just gotta keep up.

What is your life's big question?
What is happiness? Sometimes I feel like it get's confused for other emotions, that may not entirely be happiness. So where does real happiness come from? I'm sure everyone has their own definition but I want to know how to be entirely happy and not lose it so often.


questions provided by soulpancake

Sometimes when I wake up or I'm half asleep I have these major epiphanies about something in my life. The last post was not that. But I had a new one. Then all of that built up emotion and self-confidence about it, slowly does throughout the day.
It's quite sad.

who listens to their own advice?

I have a lot of things on the back of my mind I know I should take more seriously to get me to where I want to be in the future. It actually bothers me a lot, that I just can’t bring myself, to e-mail this person, or start writing this, or do this or go here. I just wish someone (besides my annoying sister) would just shake me. I know that what or who is kind of consuming my mind shouldn’t be. I'm still just playing the young, stupid, carefree card while I still have my tiniest bit of youth left. I'm aware that it is going to expire very, very soon.

I should be taking my time alone to focus on myself and what I need to accomplish. Because if I bring anyone into the picture at any point in the future I’m just going to make it ten times harder on myself.

I don’t understand that I make all of these realizations on my own and it still doesn’t hit me.

There are so many things I want to do after school and places I want to be. If none of it happens, I have no one or nothing to blame but myself. No way will I be able to make any excuses.

survive it

“Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal.”

— Cheryl Strayed

5AM / When I can't sleep, my mind puts words together.

I want to be with you. With you as in right now, there, where you are. With you as in by your side, often. As in when we go out and people ask me who I am or why I'm there, you chime in and say "she's with me". I want to be with you in every sense of the word.

I'm surprised Sex and The City didn't make me realize this sooner

"Because the truth is that “slut” and the ideas that surround it only exist in girls who are insecure, at the end of the day, with themselves. When you hear the word hissed across a bar as another girl parades by in a red dress and full confidence, it is not really this woman that the speaker hates. It is herself. She was raised to believe that her worth is tied into that woman’s, and that wearing too tight of a dress or drinking one drink too many was going to erode it.

Getting women to see one another as free agents who can do whatever they like, as long as they aren’t hurting others, and be free of moral judgments is one thing. But the beginning of that really lies in getting women to see their bodies as something that is alive and vibrant and deserves every bit of happiness and pleasure that it wants to seek out."

If anyone knows me at all. They would know I spend a lot of my unproductive time on thought catalog. By a lot I mean hours upon hours reading the articles on this website. Cause they're so amazing. This quote up there is from one of the ones I recently read.

About several months ago I got pretty educated on the whole slut shaming business and now I pretty much don't us the word any more. It's funny, there are a few words I literally have cut out of my vocabulary using it in certain context (slut, retard, gay or that's gay, side note: the latter one still makes me cringe when others say it) but anyway this isn't going to advocate for that whole movement. All I will say is to go research it yourself, insecure girls need to stop using the word towards one another. BUT that is not the direction I'm going in.

We're going to focus on me here.

Where I'm going with this is my new found epiphany. For my freedom. Doing whatever the fuck I want. Not caring about other peoples standard of what's a good "number". Or if someone won't like me because I've been with this many people. Or being worried I might get it too high or have it too low. Literally, I have too much confidence in myself and society already has control over me in so many other aspects sometimes. I absolutely cannot let it have control over this awesome part of who I am. Which is my sexuality.

I know high school gives girls and boys extremely messed up perceptions about sex, not just with education but just through one another. I truly feel bad for myself at that point of my life to be honest for not smartening up sooner. But I'd really like to think that after that stage of life more and more woman will start to be more confident like the quote says seeking out whatever happiness and pleasure we want.

I don't know about you, but I can't be running around like I'm going to be getting some sort of second chance at life. It's too short to be that close minded.