I'm in need of some of that basic shit..

“You are not clingy, or needy, or silly for having needs for affection and affirmation and attention within a romantic relationship. Those needs aren’t an embarrassing outgrowth of your low-self esteem or depression or whatever messy emotional issues you may have going on, that’s just basic shit that people need from each other. We of course should not make our partners responsible for meeting all of our emotional needs – it’s not someone’s else’s job to make you happy. But inside a healthy relationship, being able to show affection, pay attention, and demonstrate “you are amazing and important to me” is a pleasure, not some task or burden.”

— Jennifer Peepa

If I had a dollar, for every time someone called me white...

" Nobody should feel as if their identity is being erased just because they dress a little quirky. There have always been black people and other people of color who have dressed in awesomely strange and unique ways. White people don’t have a monopoly on anything and everything vaguely alternative and it was so alienating to grow up with the idea that the way I dressed or the things I was interested in made me something I wasn’t. Last time I checked, there was nothing white about wearing shirts of your favorite music act or liking combat boots or wanting green hair. " 

- Ashley Reese 

Read more: http://www.gurl.com/2013/08/26/being-weird-and-black-doesnt-mean-im-acting-white/#ixzz2dEiXTdCr 

The best excerpt that stood out to me in an article I found. It relates entirely to my struggle growing up as a young black girl, (still am actually I'm only 21 in a month) who hit a point probably in highschool where I decided to do whatever the fuck I want. It took me a while to get comfortable with this though, I must admit. 

If you knew I had a tattoo that says: stay true, this is mainly why. Because I'd like to think that as long as I'm here on this polluted planet I'll forever continue to do things for myself and not to please others. 

back and forth back and forth

I've never known how bad I want something, till it becomes so fucking hard to make it happen. I'm super impulsive. Contemplating my desire, lasts about 10 seconds. But this isn't coming that easy lately. So I need to stop and think, if any of this bullshit is even worth it, if my stressing, worrying and insecurity is worth it and why it would be. Reasons are constantly flowing through my head. Back and forth. And I currently have nothing else to occupy my mind with. So this isn't a fun little point in time I'm in at all.


It's like I see the possibility for something so awesome, and I can't let it go.

Ready with no where to go

Actions speak louder than words. Always? Or just sometimes? Or is it when you want to believe they do? When does this statement actually apply. The thing is I want to believe it's true, and if any of my friends came up to me about an issue this was relevant to I would love to throw this one liner at them. But when it comes to my own situation, turns out I'm a big pussy, and I just feel like giving out chances, taking the other persons side and giving them the benefit of the doubt all left right and centre. It's something I feel like I know I need to change. I mean I feel like it would benefit me quit a bit, if I was more stern about my decisions and was more of a hard ass when it comes to how I react to other peoples actions making me feel not the best.

I don't want to say I'm gullible, I know to take everything with a grain of salt. My optimism is one of my greatest strengths, but I can also be sceptical of people. I have this idea that we never really get to know someone which I don't think is a bad thing. But I digress. Point I'm trying to make is, I'm a positive person, but I hurt pretty easily therefore I like to believe that the reason this person bailed on me tonight is legitimate. I know what it is, but by legitimate I mean there's no secret underlying subliminal message behind it.

This kind of sounds all over the place, and I apologize for that, hopefully you can find the connection between all of it. I was just pretty disappointed tonight. And my opinion about it as opposed to my friends words "Well I could have told you that was going to happen because he's waste" really got me thinking. Don't even get me started on the whole, liking someone your friends don't, topic. That is a whole other post.

Making something out of nothing with this one.

Today I've done absolutely nothing. I cleaned my room. Then watched two documentaries on Netflix.

I really don't want to complain about my uselessness because in just over two weeks I'm going to want to jump off a building because I'll be in school. So I should really, just be thankful. I should also be thankful of how much I was able to do this summer with my friends, with barely working. I was able to still have a lot of fun. I didn't get to go to the beach, go karting, or wonderland and probably now go to the CNE. That I wasn't able to do everything I wanted to makes me sad summer is ending more than anything. But last summer I did plenty of those things so you win some you loose some.

Another fun fact I've noticed is that my blog is getting views. Crazy right?! I'll come back to do something then notice the number increased. Like I'm saying this cause it's not just by one or two. It could honestly be the same person or people. Or it could be a clicked mistake, it could be witchcraft. I don't even care. The fact that more people than I thought out there might be reading my hot mess of a life and mind is mind blowing to me. In all honestly, I was under the impression no more than maybe, two people read it. So that's really awesome and if you got this far in this incredibly boring post. Hey, how are you?

My brothers wedding is in one week exactly tomorrow. I can't believe it's here already. I got my flask. Just need to get the alcohol to put in it and it is going to be a shit show. Specially wearing the massive ass heels I have to wear, which I have no idea how to walk in because: fuck heels.

What else, oh last but not least! I am currently still on the verge of being an old lonely cat lady when I'm older. No big deal though, I'll have dogs too as well a book under my belt about my journey of rejection.

I got a fun life ahead of me! woo!

Reminder: Don't Settle.

“Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.”

—	Steve Jobs

Wait. Pause.

I just got a fucking job. Yes me. The one who is forever unemployed, has a job. This is the best news I've gotten, probably all damn summer. I'm so happy right now I'm going to freak out. It's also at a store I actually want to work at. The sad thing is, its retail, so I gotta make sure I do really well. But I'm so grateful, I'm going to make sure I do awesome.

I can't believe this.

Like moment of silence, cause the struggle was real.. I started from the bottom with this one.

If I had a dollar...

Fuck, I just got home from a good date. And the fucking person, I would drop anything or anyone for. Right now. Not the one I went on the date with, is making me feel like shit. 

I can't even. Literally, nothing works out for me, ever. It's funny my friends and people think I actually have my shit together, it's not just funny, it's hilarious cause the truth is so incredibly far from. I have no idea what I'm doing, I'm confused and lost and stressed 24/7. I feel like after summer I'll be alone. I feel insecure, I feels undesired, I feel stupid, I feel angry, I feel like I get the shittiest shit end of the stick every time. 

I'm raging right now, rather than feeling like shit it's like. 60% 30% type of thing. Cause I'm fucking amazing, the shit part is that I'm the only one that thinks so. The raging part is that fact that I've done this to myself again. 

Pardon my language. 

I want to walk away but I feel stuck

I'm exhausted and I don't wanna chase anyone anymore. Right now. I'm sure I'll feel compelled in the future but right now it's just not reaping the benefits it should. I have a feeling I'm back in a super similar situation to someone else.

A situation I promised myself I wouldn't let happen again. I'm gaining the same feelings of being lead on, insecurity,  frustration, confusion, hopefulness, disappointment, and sadness. And any other shitty feeling you can think of that relates. Except anger, I'm not angery or bitter. This is just life sometimes I get that too, no one promised me anything when I went after this person either. 

Unless things turn around though, I shouldn't even wanna be with anyone who makes me feel any of these things. 

Lyrics this time for you instead of a quote.

Do I wanna know?

If this feeling flows both ways

Sad to see you go

Was sorta hoping that you'd stay

Baby we both know

That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day

Crawling back to you

Ever thought of calling when you've had a few?

Cause I always do

Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new

Now I've thought it through

Crawling back to you

So have you got the guts?

Been wondering if your heart's still open and if so I wanna know what time it shuts

Simmer down and pucker up

I'm sorry to interrupt it's just I'm constantly on the cusp of trying to kiss you 

I don't know if you feel the same as I do. But we could be together if you wanted to

- arctic monkeys 

Despite it's relevance this is a rad song by a rad band. 

drunk post #2 ?

If I ever saw Dillon Francis in real life, like up close and personal.. In a normal sociable setting, minus him being incredibly popular. I'd be all over that. SO fast. I don't even care what anyone has to say.

I need to remember this time of my life.

Times are really rough for me at the moment. Not working all summer has been probably the shittiest thing to ever happen to me ever. Hands down. If we want to get real serious in this conversation I have to pay 100$ to Rogers by tomorrow or, well actually I have no idea what is going to happen to be honest. Maybe they will cut my phone off? That's the worst thing they can do actually so for the sake of making this sound like desperate times, we're going to go with that. Yeah anyways, and I don't have that. At all. So that's cool. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

This is only like ONE problem I'm having right now. We'd be here all day, if I explained everything that's actually happening.
I'm so fucked. I put myself in the absolute worst situation.

When this is all over, I'm going to be so appreciative of an income.

The stage that's supposed to be exciting?

When you're so crazy excited to see someone again it's just stupid.

Me right now, and I'm forced to be for a while.

It also happens to be at a time when I'm struggling to keep myself occupied, cause for everyone's information I truly don't have much of a life. (although It's slightly been my lazyass fault)

time needs to fly by. 

this needs to be stamped on my forehead.

"DON’T WORRY ABOUT LOSING. IF IT IS RIGHT, IT HAPPENS - THE MAIN THING IS NOT TO HURRY. NOTHING GOOD GETS AWAY."

John Steinbeck

“I’m a woman. That means I break hard. And mend like a motherfucker; all sexy and full of heartbreakingly beautiful scars.”

— Staceyann Chin

Back in the game.

I normally pretty much only post or write at night because that's just how I operate when it comes to wanting to share anything. But right now its 12:07pm and I can't help it. I just got home from one of the best nights. No I didn't have sex, since that's what most of my friends asked me, and I bet it's what you're thinking. I barely even slept, and I was borderline like internally uncomfortable because I came from spending a night at a friends, then the day in the sun, swimming and next to a bonfire. So let's all stop and realize that I hadn't been able to get home and turn myself into a clean and presentable human being. Unfortunately, but shit happens. It was still awesome none the less.

Hours and hours spent on a couch probably doesn't even sound that appealing at all either but we all know, if it's with the right person it can magically turn into the most fun activity imaginable. So that's what happened, I spent it with literally the only person I wanted to see. After kicking myself for screwing everything up in the span of several text messages, everything is pretty much back to the way it was before I said anything. Which in a way, may not be such a good thing considering I said what I said for a reason. On the bright side though, I did end up getting out everything I had to say so I'm hoping that got the ball rolling in some sort of direction in this person's brain. So we can one day reach the ideal end result.

fuck mee

I don't want to do this. I don't want to come on here, and complain. I don't want to sound like the biggest twenty year old baby that ever lived. I don't want to be this upset over something that barely even started. I don't, I really don't. But these are things that are out of my hands at this point. I'm incredibly upset right now. I anticipated this though, because with anything ever in life you never know but I'm still upset regardless. Like I literally, did not even fathom, how much I wanted this person or enjoyed their company, or loved speaking to them. Till I realized, it could all possibly come to an end. Because of my giant mouth, and curious mind of course, when is there ever any other reason? Never.

theres a first time for everything.

I've never written while drunk before. It was bound to happen eventually. It'll probably take me twice as long trying to fix all the spelling errors but that's okay.

I'm feeling really insecure at the moment and not about my appearance or acceptance of my personality, okay well maybe a little of the second but because something I was more so sure about, not completely sure but something I had a feeling was working out, feels in my eyes like its falling apart. Right at that specific moment where I'm starting to get comfortable, starting to let my guard down, starting to grow feelings. I have no idea what is going to happen but. Right now, I feel like shit. I feel like I've wasted my time. I feel like, I was crazy this whole time. I feel like this is what I was dreading and what I expected but thought would be different.

I'm incredibly bold when it comes to playing with my heart, but I still get hurt or sad, or disappointed all the same. I take chances but that doesn't mean I'm okay with having someone play games and lead me down a dead end.

I'm not saying that this has all gone to shit. Yet. I'll have to keep this updated on that part but at the moment I'm super doubtful.

I need a miracle.

“He looked at me like I was crazy. Most of my lovers do, and that’s partly why they love me, and partly why they leave.”

—  Jeanette Winterson

Hating on the one thing I probably spend my time doing the most.

I hate text messaging. There I said it. I love it, but I hate it. I hate that it is the furthest form of communication yet so much weight is put on the act of it. When's a good time to send a message, what they say so, how they are worded. What they mean, like what they really mean. Making sure the other person understands what you really mean. Sometimes you don't even want that, cause somehow emoji's and faces have become a way to explain full sentences. Then there's how often to text someone.

All of this stupid shit, and then to think that today I felt bad texting someone a message, someone I probably no not probably 100% won't ever see again in my life. I felt bad being straight up with this person. I literally thought to myself, what on earth is going on. This distant form of talking to someone has become so, important for lack of a better word that in my head and many others, it feels more personal and close than it actually is.

Having to speak to people in person, if texting didn't exist, don't get me wrong. I'd probably die and not talk to anyone. That's not the case in this time we live in though, and I'm so over caring so much about
fucking, text messaging.

Who cares.

Let it go, holy shit

My mom, she did an awesome job up until a point. But she needs to relax and let go. I always say that I'm going to go about being a parent different then my mother because 100% I totally will. She's the most dramatic and annoying person for no reason and it makes me literally not want to be at home. And she get's mad why I'm not home, well not only is it summer, but I'd rather be around any of my friends then be at home most of the time. Something that doesn't click in her mind. This woman thinks I'm going out too much, which I don't by the way, but then when I'm at home all I do is sit around, so what is her argument. It's all just incredibly annoying. You raised me with some common sense and at this point I'm adult, just leave me alone and let me live my life. She acts like I never ever come home as if I'm gone for days and days at a time.


Stop being so dramatic, you're long annoying rant, never has and isn't going to change anything.

more late night self evalutation

I don’t know the first thing about how to write (as you probably noticed in this post). I nod along and pretend that I know what things like “subject” and “predicate” and “passive tense” actually mean. I mean, I think I have an idea, but it hasn’t held me back so far. To quote Schopenhauer again, “to have something to say” is “by itself virtually a sufficient condition for good style.” I’ll take grade school dropout writing passionately in his prison cell over some empty, superior Yale MFA any day.


....What matters more now than any other single thing is that what you’re saying is different–that it’s interesting, that it provokes some response from people. You’ll only accomplish this if you’ve got something you have to say. Better yet, you need to have something that you can’t NOT say. If what you’re writing is a compulsion rather than a vehicle for your display how smart and well practiced you are.
So think about it one more time. Is it that you want to be a writer? Or it’s that you have these things inside you that you want very badly to communicate to people and writing is the best way to do it?
Getting the answer to that question right is the day you really become a writer.

- Ryan Holiday

I just read the most awesome article titled So You Want To Be A Writer? That’s Mistake #1 and it was incredibly inspiring. It pretty much summed up in a way why I haven't been pushing myself as much to get my writing out there. Granted what he's saying in this article is all his opinion and how he went about to find his success but I completely agree more than anything, and think it makes total sense what he's saying. Having that compulsive feeling to speak out about something is what I want to have. I want to write about things that I want to make sure people know about but it solely unique to my life and my story. I loved this guy's explanation for how to become a better writer because he explained that he doesn't exactly know every little detail about writing, which I'm totally guilty of, what the fuck is a predicate? Anyways, it helped him find his voice and his style that he can confidently say is his. Through the different perspectives he's gained by pretty much going that extra mile to make his life more interesting.

I've been saying I want to write about music for years. Which I do, don't get me wrong, but there are also so many other things I know I could and would love to write about. Not that I have found them yet, but I'm recently coming to terms with the fact that these other possibilities are what I want. This is an outlet that can get my voice heard, so honing my ability to express myself, and expanding what I have to express can lead me down so many interesting paths with writing. I may not even end up writing about music my mind wavers all the time. To be honest mostly because I'm a big baby who thinks I'll never be good at it. I just love the idea of making people think, while entertaining them, through writing.

softy moment.

Lately, I've been so thankful for having such great friends. And the thing is they haven't even done anything that super awesome for me like I don't have any sort of story right now. We have just been having a lot of good times and they are all just amazing people. We are also going to the cottage for four days this week so that's going to be unreal times. I'm just so thankful high school brought us all together, and that we've continued to be as close are we are. I know the chances are high for your friends from high school to become very distant over time but we have probably all just gotten closer.

With these people the jokes never end and I dunno, all I hope for is that one day when I have children they grow up with a group of friends like mine. Its a weird thought but, I always wonder like if parents are ever thankful that their kids have friends, that they got a boyfriend, that they go out and have a social life. I know these aren't the most important things in life, but they are what help someone be a well rounded person and obviously it keeps their kids happy and not miserable. As much as my mom wants to complain that I go out a lot. Which I don't but in her mind I do. I'm thinking you should be happy I'm the social butterfly that I am, and not a loner hermit. Not only that, but I don't think she realizes without my friends I would go completely mad.

things to remember while in my twenties

Um, this is all depressing advice, so maybe I should end it on an optimistic note. One thing you don’t realize in your 20s is that anything is possible. It sounds trite but it’s true. This is your moment. People like to think that the odds are stacked against them. Crappy job market, no money, no support, no clue how to enter the field you desire. While a lot of this is valid, you have to realize that by being the new generation, it’s our turn now. Someone has to be the new, great filmmaker, artist, scientist, author, etc. So why not let that someone be you? What’s different today than back then is that there is no clear path anymore. Lines are smudged, career trajectories are murky. But that’s also what makes it so exciting, don’t you think? You can create your own journey and become a trailblazer. I mean, is that a ridiculous thing to suggest? I’m typing this out and kind of wanting to gag at the saccharine tone, but I still think it’s true. I still think it’s possible to go after what you want and get it. It just involves a buttload of discipline and tenacity. You also can’t ever second-guess yourself. Imprint it on your brain. You will become who you want to be. There is no other alternative. The power of positive thinking often feels sooooo “delusional sorority girl” but it’s effective in many ways. It certainly can’t hurt, right? Besides, you’ll need all the help you can get during this freaking decade.

- Ryan O'Connel

appreciation post / unavoidable diary entry type part, I'm sorry.

This post is going to cover two totally separate topics.

The first one that is the more important is today, someone told me they enjoyed reading my blogspot. I don't care if it sounds stupid but that actually means so much to me, because I don't necessarily write to put it out there and make sure all my peeps read it. But if people do see it and like it that's so awesome. I want to pursue writing and this blog is just me and my thoughts and a way to practice getting stuff out so it's just like, aw man, thank you girl, your words mean a lot.


Secondly, I was going to be vague and not make it so obvious who I'm talking about it. But I'm going to commit being straight up and honest on my blog.
My ex made me so incredibly mad yesterday. Like if I had the ability to delete myself entirely from all his social networking, and from his phone, I would have undergone that process. That's how I was feeling in the moment at least. This is also one of those cases where its the principle more than anything. I'm done feeling like I'm some sort of burden. If you're not okay with our friendship then that's fine, but I'd rather you tell me that then act so unnecessarily rude, feeling like you can talk to me whichever way you want. That never flew with me before and we all know it's not gonna fly now. If I'm going to be the only mature one, to continue to always act nice and be respectful, then just forget it. Forget the friendship, or having me around. It's not worth it.
Also side note: the fact that you're the one in the wrong, and you still haven't said anything to me. Just continue doing that please, cause now I really don't want to hear from you.

You may read this, you may not. I don't care anymore. My happiness comes first, always.

That last part literally looks exactly like a diary entry, and I'm trying to avoid that and discuss things in a more well rounded way..  but sometimes I cannot help it. I'm sorry.