“She deserves better, you say. I say: You’re a goddamn coward. What she deserves is an actual person she can connect with. She deserves you, or me or the entire world; she deserves someone achingly real and honest. She deserves a human being equally raw to pursue her and love her and, perhaps, destroy her emotionally, but she deserves all that as well. She doesn’t deserve anyone’s sugary fairytale. She deserves to float freely, with you, or me, or the world, into the very depths of her own psychosynthesis. She deserves to explore the meaning of the word"intimacy", with someone beside her that will care regardless. She fucking deserves all of it. So, pluck up the courage and be with her or leave her in peace but don’t you dare "sell" her your own "inadequacy"as a lie so that, again, you manage to comfort your conscience and eventually come to feel that you love her exactly because you’re letting her go. Because, darling, that’s bullshit. That’s only you own little self-created lie laying behind a much bigger lie; it’s not even properly concealed within itself, you fucking idiot.”
--  

damn,

“I have learned that if you are down, stay down. Don’t get back on your fucking feet until you are prepared to stand. Don’t get up until you have learned why you fell. Nine times out of ten, it is because you were weighing down on someone who could no longer hold you. You gave someone your power. You forgot about yourself. Let me tell you something - there is one person there for you. One person. It’s the same person that wipes your shit and feeds you and cleans up your vomit after a drunken night. It’s the same person who brushes your teeth and tends to your wounds and gets your crying ass out of the shower. The same one that tucks you into bed and cradles you in the night and fights off the darkness and embraces the light. It’s you. It’s always been you. Don’t get off that fucking ground because you see somebody you know or somebody you want to know, or - somebody you can rely on. Wipe your fucking face and get up for you. Because you can. Because it’s the least of what you owe yourself.”

—

 I wish I knew who wrote this.

“The only goal you have in life is to be who you are as fully as you can.”

—

Bashar

my new criteria

“'I no longer wish to be loved childishly. I want to be loved with the strength and charm of maturity. I don’t want to be smothered by the fear of jealousy and insecurities. I don’t want a relationship based solely upon shutting the world out and locking each other in. I want to be somewhere where I can breathe. Where, even in the midst of a million people with a million heartbeats surrounding me, I can still know the sound or even play the tune, or nod my head to the rhythm of the one I call “home.” I want to call you home.”

—

“

People always say that it hurts at night
and apparently screaming into your pillow at 3am
is the romantic equivalent of being heartbroken.

But sometimes
it’s 9am on a tuesday morning
and you’re standing at the kitchen bench waiting for the toast to pop up

And the smell of dusty sunlight and earl gray tea makes you miss them so much
you don’t know what to do with your hands.

—	Rosie Scanlan, On Missing Them

Nuit blache, panic attack, best brother ever.

I went to Nuit Blanche. 

This isn't going to be a post about my entire night last night because, a lot of it is just too much to explain and not worth it. What I will say is that, I could have gone home at about midnight or one if it were up to me. And I was so so so tired. But it was 4am and I was having a panic or anxiety attack I don't even know what it was. I started crying, and I felt incredibly uncomfortable and trapped.

I couldn't leave this random person, I don't even know's condom in downtown Toronto. My ride wasn't leaving yet and I so terrible bad needed to be home. For my sanity. And sleep (my eyes were burning). But mainly because there was no one there I knew but my ride and I didn't feel, not safe but I felt incredibly uneasy that I couldn't go home. I hadn't planned at all to be out that late and my ride had no intention of leaving anytime soon. 

I called my brother crying that I wanted to go home and he said he would come get me. Exhibit a. why I have the best brother in the world because I don't know what I would have done if he didn't get me. I felt bad asking, but I never really ask him to pick me up lately at all. And I never ask him to come get me like that from Toronto. One time in grade nine or ten he did but that's a different situation. 

Anyway, he knew since those two things and my tears on the phone that I was very serious about wanting to go home, now. 

When his car pulled up infront of the building I felt so free of all my anxiety and worry. 

I wouldn't ask my friend to leave and she didn't want to leave, it was her night too. So I don't know if I'm necessarily bothered by the situation she put me in, but I also had no idea it was like mandatory for her that she spend all night till sunrise downtown. This happened a second time. I payed and planned to spend the night downtown for pride, and I didn't know anyone in the hotel room, except this exact same friend. The rest were nice though I must say. And I had another panic attack or something. It wasn't as strong as last night but I was just: I really need and have to go home. Right now. I wasted money becaus of this. I got stranded after missing the last bus at York. I had to call my ex to get me. I felt bad him and his best friend had to come. I went through all of that. That's how serious it was. 

I don't know what comes over me, why I can't just relax. I don't think anything is wrong with me. I'm not saying I can't go out and leave my house, It's just at generally the same points, I need to go home. To relax and feel 100% comfortable. Being in Toronto, so far from

home makes it ten times worse I have to admit. I literally, feel trapped. 

Right now I'm just a bit stressed with school but I think I have this under control. I can do this. I'm just psyching myself out with what needs to be done but I just need to get organize and use this day the best I can. 

I feel like I'm constantly on edge, I'm constantly upset or worried about something or someone. Constantly, weather it's a midterm on Wednesday I'm not ready for at all. Or weather it's money or a boy. Which come on, it's normally a boy and one of the two. School just started and I had all summer to be care free and relaxed. But I wasn't then either cause I wasn't working. Any way, I digress. 

I just need to understand my limits when it comes to how I feel and what I can handle.

Shit is getting real starting tonight

Oh wow. I've been out of the loop.. My blog has followers. What! Thank you feedspot for filling me in on that info since I'm a grandma, to this blog technology. 

They just emailed me how many followers I have and what not. It actually made my night to know that people somewhat are keeping up with my love for sharing my experiences and life on this site of mine. 

I'm so stoked beyond belief. I've decided to commit even more than I already have to putting up worth while, quality posts. On a regular basis. So even though no one is asking me too, for all you people that do follow me and those that will in the future I'm going to make sure you don't regret it! 

Thanks so much everyone. 

I'm off to bake cookies and dye my friends hair because as much as my Instagram makes it seem, my life isn't very eventful. 

rambling about my day

Went shopping today because my birthday festivities are coming up a week from today and of course I have no clothes. Normally it wouldn't be a big deal but everyone is going out for me, basically, and to get drunk. So I feel like it's my duty to look extra hot tamale for everyone.

I purchased a tight longsleeve burgundy jersey dress thing. Actually I don't even know if they're called jersey dresses its just a plane cool looking dress that goes really well with the bombass denim vest I got on sale. H&M outlet came in clutch today. I don't know why I haven't been there before. The prices are amazing.

Now I can stop worrying about that, because I actually was worry. I also bought black knit over the knee socks that are pretty awesome.

Next on the list is alcohol.

“You can’t force loyalty, some people will always let you down. Everybody won’t always be who you want them to be. I’m never perfect, but I’m always genuine, and I’ve realized… People are consistent with who they want to be consistent with. They’re true to who they want to be true to. They’re loyal to who they want to be loyal to. It’s all about choices… So in my life, every excuse just gets you closer to an exit. And it’s no love lost, i just choose not to waste my time with the games… We can be cool, we just can’t be close.”

—	Rob Hill Sr

Sleep is my cure for everything

Don't want to deal with homework? I'll sleep it of
Upset and lonely? SLEEP.
No plans and no one to hang out with? I'll just sleep the whole evening.. and through the night.

I don't know, is this a problem? Should I get help? I don't want to deal with anything or anyone and if I could pay money to curl into a ball and hibernate until about, May? That would be awesome.

I read that when you're depressed you'd rather sleep then do anything else. I wouldn't say I'm anywhere near depressed, but I literally am just over, everything. Summer just ended and right now I sound like an ungrateful, whiny, first world twenty year old. But today I was at school and something just came over me, like a ton of bricks and my mood, and my mind, just switched to FUCK EVERYTHING. That exact moment I wanted to pick up my shit and go home. I didn't end up going home because I have the ability to endure the most torturous and painful circumstances.

The point I'm getting at is that, when I go to sleep tonight I truly do not want to wake up. Maybe I'll wake up for my birthday but go back to sleep after that again.

I realize these feelings are only temporary but they're currently overwhelming me. Thank God this semester is going by fast.

The Reality

The reality that I know and relate more to is depicted in this recent article in The New York Times. Breaking news: 20-somethings are underpaid and overworked! Thank you, The New York Times, for being brave enough to reject the current popular perception of 20-somethings having no work ethic. The people that I know, all of whom come from different financial backgrounds, are breaking their balls at their job and getting paid pennies for it. And thanks to Smartphones, the line between your personal life and professional life is getting murkier and murkier.


Oh, how nice it would be to just, like, pop pills all day and watch reruns of Daria. That’s what everybody thinks us awful Millennials do anyway. Even my parents, despite being confronted with the evidence that I work, are confused as to what I do everyday, and I think their ignorance is telling of the shifting workplace. I entered the job market during a time when health insurance, 401ks, and the traditional 9-5 was disappearing. My parents couldn’t relate to this. They didn’t understand the concept of working from home. They thought it meant eating Bonbons and clocking in 20 minutes of work. “You get paid to do what?”


The thing I love most about my generation — and something that rarely gets recognized — is that we’re fucking hustlers. We make it work. We get that money. We’re innovative and resourceful. The odds may be stacked against us and yet we still find a way to triumph. I’m really getting tired of the coverage of Millennials being so one-sided. Everyone harps on how terrible and screwed up we are without recognizing all of the people who get shit on day in and day out at their so-called dream job and still power through. Bitch please.


-- an excerpt from this thought catalog article by Ryan O'Connel
I've been going through a lot of his articles today, and I love his voice when he's writing. I want to contact him. 

favourite place on earth

So I've been to Disney World several times in my life. It's always been in august so everything is pretty standard. Incredible amazing, but standard.

My life dream is to go to Disney World right now, at this time of the year. It will obviously be so beautifully decorated, cause I can expect nothing less from those people, the weather would still be so amazing, well compared to Canada and it would just be super super nice. I've recently seen photos that have made me want to tear up. It has literally never, ever occurred to me wanting to go in the fall/halloween time, or Christmas time for that matter! Holy crap, I didn't even think about Christmas till I just typed it. Like I forgot Disney World and Disneyland are both in hot ass California and Florida.

This has to be done. I feel like this is a very possible dream because this time of the year is my birthday, so making it a birthday trip in the future would be perfect.

My birthday is next wednesday, october 9th.
If ya'll are wondering.

And no one is ever too old for Disney World. If you believe that, then you either haven't been before.. or you have no soul.
:)

That time of year is approaching..

I was talking to a friend the other day, and it came to our attention how lonely we get during the fall and winter months and why. The past two or three years, I've had my ex around so that's been awesome but I've never really sat down and spoke about how the weather psychologically and emotionally makes single people feel like shit.

School comes around, everyone in school literally hates life, has nothing fun going on or exciting to look forward to. Other than, waiting for the year to end. Therefore, having that someone to keep us amused, and comfort us through these terrible several months of school, Arctic weather, and holiday excitement is the only thing that'll make it bearable.

Then summer comes around, and for some reason it's okay to have freedom. It's kind of silly. But you all know exactly what I'm talking about it. Fall has begun, and the season that emphasis the negatives of the single life is approaching.

Now I could either mope around and be even more miserable then I already am about life, or I can be aware of it. Bug the shit out of my friends, and make the best out it.

Seasonal loneliness is a real thing. If you're single and don't agree with me. You're a liar. I don't condone name calling.. But you're a liar. 

I wish he read my blog.

“I wish I wrote the way I thought;
Obsessively,
Incessantly,
With maddening hunger.
I’d write to the point of suffocation.
I’d write myself into nervous breakdowns,
Manuscripts spiralling out like tentacles into abysmal nothing.
And I’d write about you
a lot more
than I should.”

— Benedict Smith, I Wish I Wrote The Way I Thought

This is literally how I've been feeling most days or how I feel most of the time. I wish I could put into words exactly these emotions. My obsessive, incessant, maddening tendencies, because that is such a big part of my character. Not to mention I'm always constantly on the edge of a nervous breakdown and all I want to write about is him. I don't want to be repetitive in what I talk about but my personality obsesses over things. I become so emotionally attached it's not easy for me to let go, ever. That's just how I am, I'm not ashamed of it, nor would I say I'm proud of it because I wish I could just be fine, and be cool, and be okay genuinely and not have to fake it till it's real.

Don't get my wrong, I've made gigantic steps forward. To where, three weeks ago, I didn't even think it would be possible at all. I'm okay, I'm thankful things between us are cool and civil and there's still some sort of friendship there. I'm just not okay, with continuing to hope and yearn for another chance. And this is something I can't help. I'm not going to apologize for it because no body knows, entirely what I experienced and why I could possible still be hung up on someone who has so many issues. We won't even get into that. Point is, I could literally scream, over how bad I want to express how I'm feeling.

I'm dying to go all Meredith Grey, "pick me, chose me, love me" scripted shit on his ass. But my life doesn't take place on television, and even if it did, McDreamy still didn't chose her after that! I still can't believe it. But they did end up together, so it was all worth it. Any way. I don't even know what I'm trying to say here, I just feel like if someone came to me, and fought for me the way I'm going crazy wanting to, I would think it over and give them a chance. If someone had the balls, to come to me, vulnerable, wounded, terrified, and pleading with how they felt. Threw all of that on the table. That has to count for something.

And don't worry everyone, if I ever thought about doing this, I would probably freak out on here that I'm about to. So at this point, don't get excited for my impulsive habits to kick in just yet cause if I was taking this whole thing seriously, you'd know.



Oh and let's not forget the last inbox I sent was me calling him a douchebag, an asshole, saying fuck you somewhere in there, and that I would never stoop so low to ask to start things over. It felt good. But man would I look like an idiot doing that, up there, now.
Fuck me.

Sometimes I'm hesitant to post shit on my instagram, because part of me feels like I'm bothering people. That's just how I am. I'm not big on attention at all, but I like to be noticed. So that carries out into my mentality here. I don't understand how people, post selfies, or photos of just anything, but they post like several in a row, or throughout the day. Maybe even more than several and sometimes they even post them all through facebook too! I can't do that.

I'm already like, in my head oh goddd, sorry everyone! I even get to the point where I'm like, oh man, my last photo was a selfie I can't post another one, or damn I posted one yesterday. I'm so not in the mindset of most the people who even use this app. I'm okay with that though, because I enjoy being self-aware in that sense. Then there's people making it a fuckin mirror image, or six photo collage. I can't even grasp it.

But after being hesitant I remember that I don't have twitter. Facebook is standard so that doesn't even count anymore. My only other real outlet to share anything with my friends is instagram and sparingly facebook.

So it hits me that I'm not bothering them and sharing other stupid shit on any other social media site. They should be thankful for this, and then I stop giving a crap.

But those people I'm referring to that practice what I was talking about above, lets pray I never, ever reach that point.

You want to be a writer, so let this life be your work of art.
You are the poet and the poem, the conductor and the orchestra.
Write your life like you would read it.
Remember that every line within you can be crossed out,
every noun not needed, every adjective all wrong.


Throw yourself down unexpected roads,
turn right when you want to go left.
Remember that it’s okay to take more than one route,
it’s okay to be more than one genre.


You’re allowed to sit down on park benches

reading Bukowski at midnight and stand up listening to Kayne.
You’re allowed to always wear black when your favorite color is pink.
You’re allowed to be a sonnet and also a country song.”


I told the girl filled with self-hate,
“It’s okay, this is only the first draft.” ”

—	Kelsey Danielle, “First Draft”

I'm not exactly sure what I want to say right now. I'm indecisive on a few random thoughts going on in my head. I guess they both sort of tie in together. First off, the other day my friend at school told me how his girlfriend broke up with him, how she did it and that whole terrible story. The first words that came out of my mouth were "delete her" from everything, number, facebook, and every app you have her on. I tell him this even though it's a struggle for me to do it myself.

He told me no he couldn't, he confessed all the time he spent lurking her, and that he's texted her.

What the fuck! 2013 will be the death of us all. Torturing our open wounds like this is something many of us do and I believe it's going to take a toll on all of us. Technology, and social media make it physically impossible to move on from someone. I figured this out a long time ago, but seeing it first hand, as opposed to me experiencing it myself made me shake my head at this whole generation. Many of us would spend a lot more time with people who actually care about us, a lot more time finding those who are actually right for us, if ties were cut when they needed to be cut.

Hitting the delete contact, or remove friend button has turned into the biggest decision, oh and god forbid you block someone.

This also ties in to how much of a big deal I make something such as a like, or a comment, on something I've posted. Instagram is my favourite thing invented, it's all I use. So for the sake of my point lets say instagram. When someone likes something cool I've taken a photo of, like today for example food and people have liked it. Awesome. But when I put up a selfie, a photo of my face the likes have become so heavy with importance. People who like it are basically saying, they like my face. But who the fuck cares if anyone likes the photo I took of my face. It's my fucking face! I like it! It's dumb, I felt confident enough to put it up and I have to remind myself not to care about other peoples approval of it.

Then I wonder well if I don't care about other peoples approval, why did I even put it up?! It's sick I tell you.

I can't remember the last time I've taken a photo of myself on instagram without makeup. I don't even know if I ever have. I think I have but it most likely wasn't taken no where near how I would if my face was covered up in all sorts of shit.

It's sort of embarrassing to be completely honest. I don't even wear makeup everyday, so I'm not even going to take this and say that I don't feel confident not wearing makeup, I love not wearing makeup. It's just that when I take a photo of myself without makeup, I want to gag. Get it?
I would love to photograph awesomely without makeup, I would love to feel awesome about the photo of myself without makeup. That's where the embarrassment comes from. Over the past several months, probably more, people have complemented me on how I do my makeup and what not and I appreciate it.

But in all true honesty I'm incredibly jealous of people who look amazing without anything on their face, like pretty much all of my friends. They think I always put so much effort, but they don't see it as me feeling like I have to..

This got deeper than I planned. My mindset is flawed but I have self confidence guys, don't worry.

Everyone can relate to this, I hope one of you enjoy it.

“when they first go,
let yourself think every selfish, no-good, dirty, angry, filthy, horrible thought. let the waves of anger wash through you. let grief do its work.
do not swallow your tongue
when it turns into a blade.
scream a little, if you have to, but don’t swallow that sharp. don’t.
blame God, if you have to. shake your fist at the sky.
let it happen. he will forgive you.
eat. remember to feed yourself.
shower, if you can. sleep.
kiss your loved ones on the forehead.
recognize how and where love still exists.
forgive tomorrow for never showing up for them.
grab your anger by the shoulders and shake it until it crumbles.
be sad. let your heart be heavier than wet jeans.
feel how much weight there is on your chest.
sit in wonder at how you are still alive, how this didn’t kill you, too.
hold yourself like a child. sing yourself to sleep.
go where the warmth is.
dry your clothes in sunlight, then wear the warmth.
this pain is permanent, but, like a scar, it will fade. a crescent moon on your arm.
make no apologies for what you’ve done to survive.
it is okay to miss them every second.
it is okay to howl at the moon.
pain is an animal with sharp teeth and a soft heart.
wait.
it will get easier.
time will slip its fingers inside of that gaping hole
and pull the darkness out, little by little.
wait.
listen for their voice, whispering,
“I AM HAPPY. WHEREVER I AM. LIVE IN PEACE.”

—grief counseling

these are perfect, I believe each of them

“I deeply love and approve of who I am.
I am worthy of my own-self-love.
I love and respect myself at all times.
I trust in love.
I trust my worthiness.
I am worth my weight in gold.
There are no failures. I learn from everything I do.
I believe that everything is for my highest good and greatest joy.
I love life.
I listen to and trust my deepest insights.
I am worthy of the very best in life.
I release judgment and let my life flow.”

—	Solar Plexus Chakra Affirmations

I need to create my own affirmations. 

Three posts in one night? craziness.

My date on friday went so well. I don't wanna go into detail, which I kind of make a habit of on this blog of mine. But I met him through a mutual friend and I thought I would get to know him, see where it takes me, keep my options open and what not. It went really well, he looked really cute and insidious 2 wasn't even scary. Which means it was really actually not scary cause I shit myself for every other scary movie.

Also, it poured raining and from dinner to the movie I turned into a wet dog.. hair ruined.
It wasn't a good look.

Tomorrow

I promise myself,
I will get work done.

holy shit, I'm off to a bad start this year.
I can feel myself turning into a procrastinator again, I need to stop before I make the full transition.

a huge step forward

"I TOLD HIM. I HAD TO TELL HIM. IT WAS TAKING UP TOO MUCH SPACE IN MY MIND. IT WAS DRIVING ME CRAZY. I HAD TO TELL HIM SO I COULD LET IT GO, SO I COULD MAKE ROOM FOR SOMEONE ELSE."
-- Kaci Diane

Today I came across this on tumblr, and it was so relevant and it seriously struck me. I was debating saying something for a long time. Not sure what. I felt like there was more I had to say on what happened and just brushing it off and forgetting about it. Was eating away at me. Anyway, after I read this I instantly wrote up a message to send to him. My intention wasn't to attack. It was to get out, what I wasn't able to get out, before. Because at the time I was biting my tongue and didn't want to act like a bitch but who the fuck cares any more. So I told him exactly what I had to say, in terms of why he was an ass-hole specifically. His response was really polite, and it included a sincere explanation and apology. I'm actually like super okay with what he had to say and I'm impressed with how he handled it.

And then that's it. I don't hate him. I'm not mad any more.


I just want to let it go.

“He may still love you. He probably does. He probably doesn’t know what he wants. He probably still thinks about you all the time. But that isn’t what matters. What matters is what he’s doing about it, and what he’s doing about it is nothing. And if he’s doing nothing, you most certainly shouldn’t do anything. You need someone who goes out of their way to make it obvious that they want you in their life.”

- you know when you already know something, but you ignore it and continue to be naive because you don't want to believe. This quote reminded me I'm doing that.

I don't know what's happening.

I have hangout or "dates" (I dunno) do people actually use that word anymore in actual conversation? 

Anyways, I have one or two, or three coming up. And that's all fine and dandy, great way to occupy my time. But I'd drop them all in a heartbeat to see this one person. 

It's like all these people, like friends and stuffs. Are texting me and I literally only one look to my phone in hopes of one specific name to show up. No one else's attention matters, as long as I'm hoping to get their's. 

If months go by and I'm still feeling this way, something has to be done.

once again: Don't Settle

“Nothing is more attractive than a person who’s got their act together, who has success written on the dotted line, whose depth holds immense value, whose respect is both earned and given, who knows their worth and can recognize the worth of people around them. Nothing is more attractive than someone who stands, and supports you, as your equal. Or maybe I’m the only one that sees the attractiveness in that?

Don’t settle for less than what you deserve. Cultivate your value, love your worth, never let disrespect diminish your profit.”

—Judith Quilapio