truer words have never been spoken.

“If you’re dating a writer and they don’t write about you — whether it’s good or bad — then they don’t love you. They just don’t. Writers fall in love with the people we find inspiring.”

—	Jamie Anne Royce

My number one supporter.

I don't really have much to say right now. But I'm in the mood to write. Well actually I'm in the mood to do something really creative but I feel like stuck. Like I have no idea how I want to go about it, or anything and writing is the easiest creative outlet for me so that brings me here.

My dad is actually the more supportive and understanding older person ever. Not even bringing this up because father's day just happened. He's always been the most awesome dad ever. I don't need to post an instagram photo, or facebook status that he won't even see, telling everyone that. Anyway, I told him about my dream to move across the country when I finished school on Saturday (before father's day anyway) and he said as long as I can support myself I can live anywhere I want. It was an answer I was expecting from him to be honest, he would never tell me no to something like that, but it was also an answer that brought a smile to my face and made me so proud to like be his daughter. That he believes in me, that I can make this happen and he's behind me every step of the way, I'm just so fucking thankful. Not to mention, the big fat juicy NO I would have received if I told my mom that made it all the more sweeter. The funny thing is, she would interpret it as a question, and say no. When in actuality, I'm not asking her at all. It's a statement, a decision.

So we're just going to put that conversation off for a long time. Since it doesn't need to happen any time soon.

I'm also feeling very useless not working right now. Like incredibly useless. As a human being, apart of society I feel like a fucking waste of space. Work literally does give you purpose, I always thought of it as a pain in the ass but it made me feel like I was contributing something to the world. Now I just rot at home, applying to jobs and watching netflix. It's truly disgusting.

I can't wait for all of this to pass. What helps me handle it is thinking that five or so years from now, I'll look back at this shitty point in my life, and smile that I got through it and think, I knew it! I knew I would make it through it all.

I mean that's what I keep imagining.. I'm no psychic though.

Im going to be an author, I have no other choice.

When you you're friendzoned but you build up everything they do, to make you feel awesome in your head. And you think that maybe there's a chance! But at the end of the day you're still in the friendzone, and you can keep trying but there is literally nothing you can do about it. If it doesn't click for them it doesn't click. 

This is the story of my life. 

I'm going to write a book about how often this happens. I've told my friends and they think it's an awesome idea. 

Titled: Boys who don't like me. 

Volume 2: me and my friends and the boys who still don't like us. 

At first it was a joke but I might totally fucking do it. I need to start keeping track though, and wait till I'm later twenties for some real content. 

the most interesting way to look at it

“How can you say you love one person when there are ten thousand people in the world that you would love more if you ever met them? But you’ll never meet them. All right, so we do the best we can. Granted. But we must still realize that love is just the result of a chance encounter.”
— Charles Bukowsk

First Stop, West Coast!

All the time I read, and see about all these people with careers, accomplishments, and just overall personalities and minds that I look up to that have experienced so much. I want that for myself and I'm totally going to make it happen. If I promise anything myself it is to make sure I commit to my desire to do experience as much as I can while I can.

What I'm getting at is, my serious and important decision when I'm finished school to move to Vancouver. No matter what. There is going to be nothing keeping me in the GTA. I say this because who knows what life will be like in the next few years but it'll be nothing that will hinder me from expanding my horizons.

I pick Vancouver because it is one place of Canada I am absolutely dying to visit, and it is still in Canada so I can feel a little like I'm kind of at home. It just seems like a good first place to start this re-locating-freedom-journey that I'm going to start for myself. Other places I hope to spend significant amounts of time are Europe, literally, anywhere literally. Just to be over there will complete me. Then probably Australia or New Zealand along with parts of South Africa.

Note no place in America is on this list. Yeah, that's on purpose. I don't mind vacationing there at all, but to actually live there. I would never do. For multiple upon multiple reasons. It's just not the place for me. I know there are many things I can experience on a more amazing scale in Tokya, Dubai, Bankok, etc than I ever would in America too. Do your research folks! America aint got nothing on the over seas.

Anyways, I've mentioned time and time again that I'm dying to move out. Which I plan to, before school ends for at least a semester or two. That's going to be amazing, don't get me started on how perfect life will be at that point. But after that I want to do much more. A change of scenery is very necessary.

These are things that are only going to happen if I start to really envision it and take it seriously and from this day forward I am going to do that. I know I can do this because, I don't even know what the term "home sick" is, that has never applied to me. I'm independent enough to survive, and most the time I'm pretty content with being alone. I can handle the periods of time I will have no friends. I'm not oblivious to this fact, that this will happen and I will spend a lot of time alone. And that's okay. I'll either make friends eventually and be a part of the communities I live in or I won't, but all I can say right now is that I'm going to try.

Delete Contact

If we're going to be really honest right now. I have done this on more than one occasion. Obviously since we're at this point again, it didn't work. This time I'm giving myself the mental freedom and committing to this decision. Fully and whole heartedly. It's just time.

When you're around I turn into this desperate, stressed, un-easy, insecure, and incomplete person. It's disgusting and my growth as a person takes ten thousand steps back. All because of you. No matter what you say or do, I'm always going to become this person that I hate. It's never going to change. So what's going to change is me having no more chances to give you, the chances that allow you to have your little ego boost and satisfaction from knowing I've held onto these feelings for you.

God forbid, I let anyone else come along and put me through this same thing again. That doesn't even worry me, I've learned an incredible amount for you. Which I thank you for, really. I'm still super young, and I have so much time to apply these lessons. I'm actually thankful.

I've learned, its not the end of the world when my hearts broken, or my love, respect and care is so strongly unappreciated or not reciprocated. I've learned there are other people in the world who can and want to make me happy. I learned just cause I can't fucking move on, doesn't mean that fantasy in my head is the way things are supposed to be. I learned missing you, is a part of moving on, not a subliminal message that you should continue to be in my life. I learned that I'm amazing, in every single god damn way, and no man or woman should make me feel less. I learned not to have another person, be the weight behind my happiness, which means just because I can't have them and they don't want me doesn't mean I can turn into a miserable little sad girl.

I'm twenty now. Twenty one this year. I'm not the person I was when all of this started. Therefore I should continue to become the confident, strong, smart person I'm turning into, each and everyday and take the steps necessary in order for me to succeed as best I can in doing this.


No looking back, love where you're going.  

Stressed.

I'm so stressed about life. And I honestly haven't been sleeping much because of it. 

It's terrible. I feel like everything is just like falling apart.. Kind of, in a way. 

A Job? Yeah, those aren't really my thing.

I got fired today. Well yesterday because it's after midnight right now. Part of me felt a little bit of embarrassment and then part of me felt sadness and then part of me is just exhausted.

Embarrassed because I wasn't good enough, to where they would want me to continue working there. But only a little bit, because I really like who I am, and I tried my best to perform the way they wanted. I really did and if that isn't good enough then that's that. I guess I'm more shy, and timid than I think I am in my head. Or at least compared to the extreme opposite personality that they would have liked.

Sad because I actually loved a lot of the people that I worked with, they were really cool and I didn't get to say bye to most of them. Which sucks, and now I feel hella uncomfortable even going there to eat at all. Cause of the emotion mentioned in the previous paragraph.

Now I have to job hunt again, and stress about paying for school again. Which at this rate, aint happening and I'll probably just go in to crazy stupid debt paying for school at this point. Which makes me want to not even go back, so badly.

I feel like I've tried every job at this point, and now there's no where, where I can fit and actually have a prolonged time of employment. I just want something with hands-on tasks, individual tasks, or something where I have to write and not interact with people. Cause clearly at this point, it's not my forte at all.

I should be asleep.

progress.
Keep it moving. I'm slowly coming to terms with letting go. In no way am I mad for how long it has taken. I just knew if things have not turned out the way I would have liked this was bound to happen eventually. It's weird, I don't want to draw to much attention to it, cause then it might stop. But I'm still proud of myself. For dealing with it in the way that I have.

I have stressed and yearned for someone who is in no way deserving of a thought in my mind, let alone, the anxiety and frustration that comes with it. I can be told it time and time again that I'm wasting my time, or to forget about it, but it doesn't happen that way. So I've started to ignore that advice and the lack of impact it has. I've just been waiting for me to realize it and be comfortable with it on my own. On my own time. And I'm getting there and I love it.

Now don't hold this against me for the rest of my life. I mean, I can only pray, and hope that this continues and the control over me won't ever come back in the future. But I have no idea what will happen. I just know I'm trying to be happy right now. Without this person in any way shape or form being the reason for my happiness.. or unhappiness.

make sense?

 

“I give myself five days to forget you.
on the first day I rust.
on the second I wilt.
on the third day I sit with friends but I think about your tongue.
I clean my room on the fourth day. I clean my body on the fourth day.
I try to replace your scent on the fourth day.
the fifth day, I adorn myself like the mouth of an inmate.
a wedding singer dressed in borrowed gold.
the midas of cheap metal.
tinsel in the middle of summer.
crevice glitter, two days after the party.
I glow the way unwanted things do,
a neon sign that reads;
come, I still taste like someone else’s mouth.”

— Warsan Shire

I feel like my mood is changing, from one extreme to the next. Quickly and often. This is giving me a super uneasy and uncomfortable feeling. It's hard to explain.The only thing I can do is try to write and decipher what's making me feel so sad. Then after that, letting out what is making me happy. Then what makes me feel lonely, and undesired. In my hopes to try and reach more of a sense of ease with myself.

This is all sounding like it's not making much sense. I just feel like trivial things are having a strong impact on me more than they should.

I need to relax. like truly relax.

Self-Esteem is still in check.

Rejection.
I only realize how strong of a person I am and my resilience as a human being, when I endure rejection. There is no other time, where I display a clear example to myself that I can handle not being accepted in the way I'd hoped or not being looked at in a certain way. That I can continue to put a smile on my face, and sometimes pretend like it doesn't even phase me at all is one hell of a good job on my part.

It's one part of who I am that I am incredibly proud of. I'm not saying it does not effect me. It definitely does. I promise you that. But I don't let it effect how I see myself or let it impact my emotional state to a serious degree. I've spent a lot of time, trying to become comfortable with who I am. In no way shape or form does going through this make me question who I am.

I've reached a point where I'm beyond automatically calling the person, dumb, or an asshole, or rude. That's never been the case and it's always easier to resort to that then to just admit they're simply not interested. What I chose to do after that is up to me but resorting to viewing a person negatively because my feelings have been hurt by something so out of the control. In the sense that, they are just playing off how they feel. Is silly.

I'm an awesome person. Bottom line. No doubt about it. The hardest part about it is, realizing that this other person you so badly hope can see it. Doesnt't.

how does this dating thing work again?

Today I spent the evening with someone I've been texting for quit a long time. Well the big deal is, that it was the first time we had hung out after talking for a significant amount of time. I'd had already been super interested in getting to know this person before today. And I understand speaking to someone through a distant form of communication such as text message, is absolutely nothing like real life. Therefore I tried my best not to get my hopes up, that the conversation, and how comfortable it was to be the same. But it turned out to not be so different.

I've always found people I'm interested in to have a good amount of intelligence. A quality I look for in someone and this person holds that quality to the highest degree out of probably anyone that I know. It's one thing I also find incredibly attractive about them as well. He checks off in all the other boxes, but we all know sometimes that just isn't enough. This time it's more than enough.

It's terrifying to feel so much like you want to know everything about someone. I feel a sense of vulnerability again that I haven't felt in a long time. Well with anyone new at least. That's a feeling that's lingered for many years with specific people in my life. Eventually it sort of turned old and stale and I don't even pay attention to it any more. Right now it's fresh and alive, and it scares me just to the think that this person now has the power to make me feel sad, and desperate any minute. I mean, not that this person is aware of their power as of yet, but they could have this happen and not even realize they're doing it all the same.

I've been waiting so long to spend time with this person. I can't believe I'm back at home already. I literally just want to go back and do it all over again. Not because it wasn't great, I just feel like it all happened so fast.

Sometimes I want to recite quotes to people I know.

“If people want to let you go, just let them do it. They may not understand who you are. So don’t play around with fire; don’t give them their cake and let them eat it too. Here is your rule of thumb: they either commit to you or get none of you.”

— Joey Furjanic

words to live by

“So you plant your own garden and
decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
for someone to bring you flowers.”

— Jorge Luis Borge

“I could start fires with what I feel for you.”

— Fires, David Ramirez

My thoughts on a Tuesday night

What do I want? 

There are actually hundreds of thousands physical objects I can list that I want. I'm the queen of wanting things, or as I like to justify it, needing things. But things I want in life that I can't actually grasp with my hands, I have a list of those too. 

I want happiness. Alone, with myself. I want to be entirely fulfilled, and when someone comes along to simply add to it. I want a strong romance when they come, even if it's harder and it hurts more. I want confidence in who I am, and who I'm turning out to be. Physical confidence would be nice too. That actually lasts and doesn't fade from day to day. I want more faith that things are going to be okay. Let's not shoot our minds straight to religious faith, but just something that goes a different direction. That "this too shall pass" cliche that, down the road I'll have survived and done fine. I want excitement. I want adventure. 

I want sleep. Is what I truly want right now. I'm incredibly tired. 

Other people always say it better than I can

“Sometimes, I feel the past and the future pressing so hard on either side that there’s no room for the present at all.”

— Evelyn Waugh

sweet baby jesus!

The Great Gatsby was so incredibly good. Please don't mind the amount of times I'm about to say like but. I'm like freaking out. The whole time I was thinking Leonardo DiCaprio needs to take me now, my body is ready. He was so perfect. Not just perfect looking but his acting was too amazing.

I loved every second of it. And I want to see it again. Anyone willing to see it again with me ?

That movie was well worth the wait. Like holy shit.

Like how can someone create something so good. It's too much.

“Once someone’s hurt you, it’s harder to relax around them, harder to think of them as safe to love. But it doesn’t stop you from wanting them.” 

— White Cat by Holly Black

They were all necessary I swear!

I need to stop spending invisible money.
My last few big purchases on my credit card have been:

Mad Decent Ticktets
A Yoga Mat
And Running Shoes
(that's all I can think of right now)  

All three things in support of me either having an awesome summer, or a solid body. Which in my eye seems pretty worth it.

But now I need to stop. Like for real.

...someone come take my credit card..

the next 30 days

I signed up for yoga today with a friend. We have the next 30 days to go as often as we want. So of course to get our monies worth, we are going every single day for 30 days. Which is going to take a toll on our bodies in a good and bad way. Good because they'll be solid, and awesome for summer. Bad because we will probably be sore a lot. But it will all be worth it.

Hopefully this whole mediation, relieving my body of stress, and strengthening and flexibility journey is all it's cracked up to be. I'm anticipating a ton of positive results from committing to this. I feel like the only way to be aware of them is to document it throughout.

Do I need to sell my soul? Cause I'm down.

What I want more than ever is to move out. If there was anything I could right now to make it happen ten times faster I would do it in a heartbeat.

Everyday my want for my freedom and solitude increases immensely. I literally find myself constantly day dreaming about what it would be like.

I don't care if I'm going to live in a two by two foot box. I don't care if I can only afford froot loops for every single meal. I don't care if my family says no. When it's possible, I'm out.

At the beginning it was always just like a whatever thought. But these past several months I've never known I was ready for anything more.

It's not to say I'm running away from the problems my family causes me. That's not the case. Considering they'll still be in my life. I just need to experience living away, for myself. Where I can be reserved, and not bothered and annoyed and not have people complain about my personality. When in actuality there is nothing to complain about.

Oh my god, it's going to be the greatest most glorious day.

Damn Oscar, right on point.

“The only one you need in your life is that person who shows you he needs you in his.”

— Oscar Wilde

Why have most girls been brainwashed into thinking it’s not okay to ask a guy out first? (Key word: most. I know you go getter chicks out there don't give a fuck. I hear you.) Or automatically be in hopes he’ll ask us girls out first? And why is it that the girl can come off as desperate so easily when it comes to pursuing a guy in any sort of aggressive way, for example like he would go about it, making plans, first moves etc.

Why can’t it all just be fair game?



I say this as I continue to carry out these silly rules.