If we're going to be really honest right now. I have done this on more than one occasion. Obviously since we're at this point again, it didn't work. This time I'm giving myself the mental freedom and committing to this decision. Fully and whole heartedly. It's just time.
When you're around I turn into this desperate, stressed, un-easy, insecure, and incomplete person. It's disgusting and my growth as a person takes ten thousand steps back. All because of you. No matter what you say or do, I'm always going to become this person that I hate. It's never going to change. So what's going to change is me having no more chances to give you, the chances that allow you to have your little ego boost and satisfaction from knowing I've held onto these feelings for you.
God forbid, I let anyone else come along and put me through this same thing again. That doesn't even worry me, I've learned an incredible amount for you. Which I thank you for, really. I'm still super young, and I have so much time to apply these lessons. I'm actually thankful.
I've learned, its not the end of the world when my hearts broken, or my love, respect and care is so strongly unappreciated or not reciprocated. I've learned there are other people in the world who can and want to make me happy. I learned just cause I can't fucking move on, doesn't mean that fantasy in my head is the way things are supposed to be. I learned missing you, is a part of moving on, not a subliminal message that you should continue to be in my life. I learned that I'm amazing, in every single god damn way, and no man or woman should make me feel less. I learned not to have another person, be the weight behind my happiness, which means just because I can't have them and they don't want me doesn't mean I can turn into a miserable little sad girl.
I'm twenty now. Twenty one this year. I'm not the person I was when all of this started. Therefore I should continue to become the confident, strong, smart person I'm turning into, each and everyday and take the steps necessary in order for me to succeed as best I can in doing this.
No looking back, love where you're going.