R.I.P

He was legitimately one of my favourites, not in a bandwagonny sad cause he's gone type of way. I always said it and people didn't understand why. He was troubled with addiction but unbelievably talented.
R.I.P Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

Life as of February 3rd

I don't know why I feel like so much is happening right now, and I've been so slow in writing about it. Honestly it's probably not even as much as it feels like. I spoke to my ex. my best friends scolded me for it. But I don't blame them. I mean it didn't go terribly or anything it went fine. They just think I shouldn't have, even though that little incident happened and I feel I had to make sure it didn't look like I was being rude/dry. Cause I'm such a mess I had to make sure of this, that's why. So I did and it was fine. There's not much else to say about that.

I was really confused about this one person I'm really into, and we finally had a conversation about everything.. I don't know if I want to go into details about it. But he's not ready to put effort after really considering the distance between us and enduring two other long distance relationships and that's fine. We're still into each other, it's just not going to work right now. And that's okay. It's only frustrating because I'm ready to try and put the effort and the other person isn't, that's the frustrating part. Timing is everything. And that we live a significant amount of time apart from each other is so out of our hands, that that's determining it going anywhere.  But it's cool, we'll remain friends.

What else, I'm on a schedule now for 88magazine.com so you will be seeing a post from me up there four times a week. At first looking at it. It seemed kind of crazy looking at it at first. But I don't think my friend would ask it of us if he didn't think it was possible, they're also super understanding if we couldn't fulfil it. But I'm going to try my best. I really commend him on pushing me and putting me on certain days because, I want to write more and I need that. Everyone is on a schedule so not only I but several others will be frequently putting up content so check it out!

This Friday I'm headed to New York for the Arctic Monkeys with my guy friend who is up there with one of those folks who make me laugh a ton. So that should be fun. Hopefully we survive each other's company and just returning to Toronto together and in one piece.

That's everything I can think of.. That's worth mentioning.

Bahamas is coming up so soon. I've bought too many bathing suits for this trip not to be the best ever.

But you can’t let go of something until you understand what it is you’re letting go of.”

“Don’t hang out with people who don’t love you. Don’t try to impress people who aren’t worth it. Don’t try to win people over who aren’t worth it. Focus on yourself, and focus on the people who are really awesome and who love you. Don’t hang out with people who make you feel like shit. Don’t spend your energy on them. There is so much pressure to be part of the right thing: well, you should create the right thing. If you don’t see it, create it.”

— Beth Ditto

Morning time thoughts..

I dunno what I'm doing. I feel like an idiot right now. Not about my little story last night I told, I'm over that. I feel like an idiot wanting something to work out so badly and someone I can't have and shouldn't want. I feel like something must be hardwired in my brain to allow me to make decisions that just result in getting hurt, or being miserable. 

I posted don't ignore the red flags for a reason. But I'm always the type of person who doesn't listen and is recklessly fearless enough to keep going. I keep going and push the limit to the worst possible outcome. I haven't done that as of yet, but it's normally how it goes. Then I hate myself for it. It's a sick little cycle. 

I feel hopeless in a way. I feel disgusted that it happens so consistently. 

I can't let it get so terrible this time though. Not again. Noooope. 

I'm Embarrassing

This is such a spontaneous post right now but I just got home from work.. For those of you who don't know, the one and only ex, the one I've been crying over missing works literally around the corner from my store. So of course, as I'm walking out today I see him. The only time I've seen him in a long time even at his store. I knew it was going to happen eventually, but I didn't know when.. That day came today.

Of course as stupid as I am, I point him out to my sister and even though he was looking down as I'm pointing he looks up.......

Then I look away and we start laughing simply because I'm an idiot. Not at him. But anyway, point of the story. I'm an idiot.

Part of me doesn't care though because what was I gonna do run up and say hi? Wave? Pretty sure he doesn't want to talk to me either so I guess I can't be mad at the silly reaction I gave.


Still that silly ass kid though.

Don't ignore the redflags.
Don't ignore the redflags.
Don't ignore the redflags.
Don't ignore the redflags.
Don't ignore the redflags.

Just because you have a crush.

Someone staple this on my forehead please.

“You are, after all, what you think. Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.”

― Elizabeth Gilbert

Damn, this is so well said. I'm blown away.

I Don’t Hate You. I Just Love Me. Bye. | Thought Catalog


It seems as though I’ve been holding hands with a memory of you for a while. You see, the contrast between the good and the bad in this situation was so defined, that it was easy for me to rheumatoid arthritis grip on to any of the positive in our relationship (if you can call it that). I understand exactly how you’re probably feeling and that’s why I’ve come to this conclusion.

I’m not mad at you, I’m not sad, not even disappointed.

I’m just done.

That requires me to feel nothing but hope towards my future as I wave goodbye to that cute button nose of yours.

The easiest thing to do is forget how much space you took up in somebody else’s life, and that’s just what you did. You filled the space that I had for you in my life with things that didn’t pertain to me at all and that’s okay.

People like people. Sometimes it doesn’t work out.

I’m sure you’ll scramble for any excuses to make me understand your vacancy or make me pity you. That’s just the lost child in you that wants someone there; not me.

My life is real; so don’t treat me like it isn’t.

You blame the awful way you treat me on your ex girlfriends. By blaming them, it shows that they still have power over you and I don’t want someone who doesn’t have control over himself. You pushed me to do things I didn’t want to do and then you blamed me for them, basically abandoning me so that you could feel better about what you are responsible for.

Also, given this humbling moment of rejection for me, I would appreciate if you don’t pity me. This is my journey, and just because you didn’t love me, doesn’t mean someone won’t.

I will find love, and it will be beautiful.

I know you probably think that I’m butt-hurt or mildly offended by your utmost consistence at being disrespectful. In all honesty, I just feel bad for you.

I can read you like a book and you’re not interesting to me anymore because what I see isn’t appealing. I like myself, and I treat myself better than you ever will.

I know what you’re thinking and to answer your question: No, it’s not because I love someone else, it’s because I love myself. The way you treated me was an extension of how you feel about yourself, and by the looks of it, you pretty much hate yourself. Given the instances where I tried to calmly express my feelings to you, and your innate ability to brush them off with angry entitled defensiveness I understand your blatant insecurity like I understand photosynthesis.

My Dad always told me that the right person will move mountains to see me, and if they didn’t: Drop it like it’s hot.

I can’t carry the weight of your insecurities and issues. I only have two hands.

I hope that you learn from this experience or at least think of me fondly.

And please, don’t call. I won’t answer. Kind of like you didn’t.

But hey, at least I had the courage to tell you.

Bye

Everybody has to let go someday 

Everybody has to let go 

I wonder when I will. I wonder.

La Dispute - You and I in Unison 

Better

Today was better emotional wise. I don't know why I've been at this breaking point lately. Where I'm on the verge of tears, it just takes me several moments to close my eyes and let it happen. I can't waste any more time doing that though. It's ridiculous. No one in this world is shedding a single tear for me so what the fuck am I doing? Exactly, wasting time.

It's just very unlike me, to cry. At all. And I enjoyed being that type of person, but I think that hardness is wearing off.

I have a lot of things to be happy for that I need to remember or have someone hit me over the head to remember.

Bahamas needs to come sooner, that will give me the ultimate relaxation. I couldn't imagine anything better.

Everyone knows I'm right about one thing

You and I don't work out

You bring out the mean in me I bring out your insecurity

You know what I am talking about

Eventually you'll be fine if we break up

And one day I'll be fine too

But we should just end it now before someone gets more hurt than they have to

As for our house I'll move out

You can keep the dog we trained

Things soon will be like before

I ever met you

Before I ever met you

Before I ever met you

I never knew that my heart could love so hard

Before I ever met you

I never knew I would be enemies with disregard

Before I ever met you

I never knew that I like to be kissed for days

Before I ever met you

I never knew I could be broken in so many ways, ways

I never knew I could be broken in so many ways, ways

I never knew I could be broken in so many

Everyone knows I'm right about one thing

You were my only vice

I got you addicted to trying to be bulletproof but you had too much to lose

As for our house I'll move out

You can keep the dog we trained

Things soon will be like before

I ever met you

Before I ever met you

                         

Banks - Before I ever met you

I Just

Submitted another article to hellogiggles.com. This is nerve racking cause I was really trying something new with this one. So hopefully it makes sense.

Fingers crossed!

If anything you'll still get to see it, I'll probably post it up here.

Fun fact:
I literally just woke up and wrote it, didn't anticipate it at all like I was trying to with the other topics I was working on. It just came to me so fast. That's how the first one worked too. Maybe I should just be patient and stick to this process

This is me everyday.. Articulated perfectly.

How It Feel To Miss Your First Love - Thought Catalog

I can judge how far I’ve come by how long it takes you to pop into my head after I wake up. If I make it five minutes, it’s impressive. It’s not that I want to torture myself with memories from the past—my brain is just hardwired to resurrect pictures, places, whispers, smiles, anything really, from when I was my happiest.

It’s amazing how fresh the wounds feel. The pain comes and goes in waves. Sometimes I get distracted for long enough to forget, but that only lasts for a little while. Inevitably the surge returns, and I temporarily lose myself in a memory, desperate to travel back in time.

I’m usually pretty good at pretending that I am happy alone or that I am not completely broken. But sometimes the charade falls flat and my façade of tranquility starts to crack. The cracks spread wider and wider until I can no longer lie.

That’s when I close my eyes and my throat tightens and I miss you. I let myself miss you because I loved you, because you were mine and I was yours in a way that I never thought was possible. I let myself grieve for a few minutes, and then I start up the charade again. I rebuild that wall and I face the world.

I know it will take time for me to make peace with the fact that you and I are no longer “we.” I know it will be a while before I find the strength to rearrange all the pieces and glue them back together, instead of slapping a smile on my face and lying to everyone. I try my hardest to be brave for you, for both of us. I’m sorry if you occasionally watch the façade crack, or I lose control momentarily when you are around me.

I promise I will try my hardest to remember that this has happened to both of us, not just me. I promise I will never do anything to intentionally hurt you.

I will never regret any of the time I’ve spent with you. I never will. We were incredible and crazy and weird and perfect and that’s what makes getting over us so astonishingly difficult. And that is why I miss you.

instant turnaround

One of my favourite artists released a new song today.. It was instant happiness when I came across it a while ago. It literally turned around my entire mood the song is so good.

Banks - Brain 

“No. Don’t never go looking for love girl. Just wait. It’ll come. Like the rain fallin’ from the heaven, it’ll come. Just don’t never give up on love.”

— Sonia Sanchez

I'm sick and I'm just not feeling life right now. He's in my dreams, almost every night. So I wake up insanely sad. This will and has happened for days on end. I don't know how to stop it either. The only thing I want is our friendship back. But I feel so out of control. 

I also haven't heard from someone else either lately and I don't know what to do about that. It's making me terribly anxious. 

Two reasons for being sad. 

I hate everyone. 

“But who can say what’s best? That’s why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a life time, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives.”

— Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

This is me

(I also loved this movie too much)

"You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame. How could you rise anew if you have not first become ashes?”

— Friedrich Nietzsche, from Thus Spoke Zarathustra (Ernst Shcmeitzner, 1883-1885)

Turns out I'm not okay.

The other day I was watching the bachelor, and there was this women and her story was that she got engaged and her fiacee left her. It had happened in the past year or so and she went on this show thinking she was ready. Yet later on in the episode this girl keeps crying about it. She was clearly not ready. Why the hell was she even on the show? (She got sent home early on thank god)

Point of the story is, this morning I felt like this women. I cried over my ex because I miss having him in my life, even as a friend. STILL. I miss having him as my best friend. I thought I was okay, and I was ready to move on, I thought I was starting to be okay and comfortable with things. But deep down I'm not.

The fact that we're not on good terms and there's this sort of grudge going on between us (I'm terrible at holding grudges by the way) makes it ten times harder.

This isn't to say I have any intention of messaging him because I don't actually honestly have anything to say. I just wish things didn't turn out this way because I really do miss his friendship, advice, support and opinion like everyday.

I just don't know how I'm supposed to be okay with losing a best friend all the time. Do I just start to get used to this void eventually?

So I think at this stage I still need time to focus on myself more than anything.

“You don’t ever really let go, though. You don’t stop. You don’t stop hurting, you don’t stop loving. It doesn’t go away, you just keep living and eventually things get pushed into the background of your life so it’s not consuming you every day. And then one day you know you’re okay. It still hurts, you still miss that person. And yeah, you forget the details. The way she smelled, the way her mouth tasted, how her skin felt, the sound of her voice. It’s almost like a different life, a different person that loved her, was with her. But on a day-to-day level, you know you’re okay. Sort of.”

— Jasinda Wilder, Falling Into You

No I lied, fuck this movie.

Currently

Sick as a dog, stressing over two assignments, and watching he's just not that into you.

Fuck this movie.

I'm kidding, I'm not that bitter. But these guidelines are hard. How do you let go of the hope that you're the exception and how do you move onto the next so fast? Since somehow basically this ability is in guys DNA.

I like this movie though.

That's What She Said | Beauty And Body Image - soulpancake

This is sort of left field. I realize this. Body image isn't really a topic I ever cover. But I dunno I've been having some really good days lately where I am happy with my body. And to be honest I've never been totally disappointed in the way my body looks but I've never been conscious of the times where I thought to myself, I don't even care, I look great.

I used to hate my thighs. I used to hate my arms, I thought they were too big. My skin. All of that has become so unimportant now though. Because looking at the big picture I'm stoked on the way I am.

It used to be measured by attention and comparison but not only does no one have time for that but it didn't get me anywhere near a healthy mindset of confidence.

The video is pretty insightful and I thought someone could enjoy it as much as I did.

It also also asks when do you feel the most beautiful?

I think I feel the most beautiful when I truly feel loved and cared for. That feeling when you know someone genuinely means what they are saying and demonstrates that you're important to them.