Things I Hate About Myself Part 1

Let me start off by saying. I don't actual hate myself, I love who I'm becoming all that awesome empowering shit. This is just to explain aspects of myself I wish I could change. Or I need to work towards changing.. If that's possible.

Getting too attached too soon. I probably have said this before somewhere on this blog to be honest.

Terrible habit I've come to grow over the years.. It's funny because I feel it happening, I'm aware of the moments where it becomes painfully obvious that I'm way too emotionally invested in this and have a "what the fuck is wrong me" moment. But then I just carry on.

I mean looking at it a certain way, connecting with someone and all that fun stuff can always be a good thing. Having a big heart and the ability to always care for other people despite having been hurt I think is a great display of resilience and character. Sometime I just feel like my happiness before it came along, or my sanity before it all gets lost and ignored then it gets to a point where sometimes it's harder to focus on myself. When I was once strong and independent in the beginning I melt into this vulnerable, weaker person.

Does any of this make sense?

I'm talking about early stages, of anything.

I just think it's important to slow down I guess is what I'm trying to say.

My head hurts

I really want to write something again for hellogiggles and I started about three different topics.. All unfinished and I don't think are good enough.

I've been racking my brain for so long now my head is starting to hurt.

How do people churn out articles like it's nothing! I really want to be able to do that, and not always make it about the same things. Even though I write about the same things here. This is my blog so I don't care.

Writing about new topics that other people will find interesting is frustrating as shit.

My Life Is Embarrassing Continued..

Another guy out of no where. Well saying out of no where makes him sound like stranger. He's not exactly a stranger.. Any ways, just asked me out. Just like that.

Can I throw out there, I haven't been talking to him, half as long as the previously mentioned person. Not even close to half as long. He also doesn't live in my city.

He's making this other guy who missed out this weekend and to be honest I was more into, seem like a joke.

It's so funny that this happens, the same weekend I was so disappointed. The timing could not be more perfect and make it more obvious that lazy men need to be put on the sideline.

“When I thought about why I was sometimes reluctant to push myself, I realized that it was because I was afraid of failure - but in order to have more success, I needed to be willing to accept more failure.”

— Gretchen Rubin

Life is back to being embarrassing

Well not embarrassing, but more so a joke.. That I'm not in on.

I don't even know where to start with this. I try so hard not to get specific with names and certain things with my life. Just naturally and that's probably the best option, but it's kind of hard right now.

So here's the story, I'll make it short. This guy has been chatting me up for a long while now. Mind you this person lives almost an hour away. It comes time where I'm in this said town. Fast forward to the end of the weekend and I still never got to see this person. Wow I made that story incredibly short but I'm not leaving much out that's basically it.

It goes without saying that this guy did not have his shit together. Yet came off like it was all together while I'm at home an hour away.

AINT NO BODY GOT TIME FOR THIS.

Hot and cold business. This isn't the first time where a guy has acted, bent over fucking backwards to make me think he wants to see me. With just words of course. But then does nothing. It's one of the most annoying and frustrating things. Then when forever has gone by cause I've been patient and given the benefit of the doubt one hundred times I finally want to see action, and express to do something or peace the hell out. I either look cray, or come off as a bitch.

Life.

It has to be an ego thing. Why they do this. Personally I wouldn't even respond and continue conversation with someone I have no intention of seriously pursuing or see anything with. Yet a guy will go weeks upon weeks with conversation.. Just for shits and giggles? Like byeeeee. 

I'm laughing, because I not understand what's going on.

Holy shitttt

My post for hellogiggles.com is up.
Read it here
I'm so excited about it, I already was, but now that it's actually there for people to see is so awesome.

I don't think I'll ever stop writing at this point.

Thought Catalog - If You Want To Be A Writer This Is For You 

But most of all, you will be writing for yourself. As you should be. As you did in the very beginning. Because this — this place where you’re writing from passion and drive and the sheer need to write — is where you’ll find your voice and you’ll grow the most. The proposals and the plans and the drafts and the client emails and the memos will all give you skills you need to have as a writer. But they will also make you hungrier for your goal, whatever it is.

Once upon a time, you wanted to be a writer. But it turns out, you were, are, and will be a writer. No matter what the economy looks like, or how many bylines you have stacked up. You are a writer now.

'Her' Made Me Cry..

Not many movies really touch me at all. I'm never one to cry from anything really, and if I am everyone knows it's a big deal and I must really be hurt. I have a heart, I just don't like to show my emotions so strongly if I don't have to. Any way, this movie had be bawling my eyes out.

Now James Franco wrote a really awesome article for Vice on this movie, that I thought was super interesting. If you didn't know, he's a really smart guy and an awesome writer so I will link that here so you can go check that out. He really looks at the whole theoretical perspective behind the movie, relating it back to everyday life and our society and where it's headed. Which all made me look at the whole plot in a different way to be honest.

I thought that is something should be mentioned before I really get into why the movie is so incredibly sad. Theodore is this lonely man, who can't seem to really connect with anyone since he's separated with his wife, soon to be ex wife. Since he can't seem to bring himself to sign the divorce papers. This is just the beginning of why I started to become really sad. He gave everything to this relationship, spends all of his time reminiscing, thinking about what it was like to feel her, speak with her and he can't move past it and feel that for anyone else. It's heartbreaking.

That's why he eventually finds companionship in a computer or operating system. This operating system just gets him, they get along great. They have phone sex, basically is what it is. Any way, their relationship gets rocket but they get through it and then later in the movie all the operating systems have to leave. I read they got a virus but it doesn't say, but we'll go with that.

When Theodore and Scarlett Johansson (the os) are having this last conversation, Theordore goes I've never loved anyone as much as I loved you, and Scarlette goes I know me niether, but now I know I can.

I lost it.

It was over.

Tears.

Then I couldn't stop. He literally lost the only thing he's ever truly loved that much. Like it's just gone. It was an inanimate object to begin with, but nothing could have prepared him for losing it.

I mean to be honest we can relate this back to my actually relationship life, but truly if I ever lost any of my technology devices and they were just gone forever. I'd lose my shit than as well.

So you can chose whichever reason made me cry so much.

Anyways it was an awesome movie none the less. I'd watch it again. It was worth the wait and Joaquin Phoenix was wonderful in it. (but actually though from what decent is his name?) 

Why don't people know their social fucking cues..

Does my good friend not screen shot and send me a photo of my ex and his new gross girlfriend. Like theyre both gross I dont wanna see that shit. WHEN WOULD I EVER want to see that shit. Ten years from now, don't even show me that photo. Like why. Then my other friend a long while ago, decided to tell me theyre facebook official.

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE IM SURROUNED WITH. STOP.
STOP this fuckin nonsense. I don't wanna see their disgust relationship I don't want to know about it, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to have them around me, anywhere near my life. That's it. End of story. Do I need to spell it out for people or wear a fucking tshirt explaining this?!

Cause I can't deal with getting mad at everyone over something they aren't aware of but I can't help it since people should fucking know what the deal is.

I'm gonna lose my shit today.

Super Important

Today I was at school with friends.. Three out of the several I actually have at school. And we have such a strong understanding of each other and we have the same sense of humour and notice the same things. This is probably why we've all gotten so close so fast. Any way, we pretty only talk to each other in our program and we came to the conclusion that, no body understands us. We make jokes 24/7 about life and it's literally as though no one else is even making any jokes.

Not that this makes a difference to us, or has us feeling any sort of negative way. All it does is make us laugh even more because there are some more.. Because there are some people in our circle to be honest, we don't even want to get.

It's funny how it's already been two years and we've still not been able to let any one new into the circle or really take a huge liking to anyone else we pretty much see on a daily basis. We're literally at this pretty decent sized school, but in our own little bubble or socializing. Don't get me wrong we say hey and acknowledge people all the time because our school is so small but when it comes to outside of class time it's just us.

But actually though, it's the best. Without them I would be dying at school. Not only would that mean I have zero friends.. I would also be dying. It's not even me hanging out with them is just so I'm not alone, I genuinely enjoy hanging out with these people and I don't know how my experience at this school would even be if they weren't around.

I guess I'm aiming at the fact that I have some awesome friends where we all really get each other, and I'm thankful for this bunch. They don't even know. I always say this, but I'm being incredibly specific right now, so it's different!

Which brings my other point of another friend who phoned me, who is just one of those awesome people where we really get each other and I'm thankful for. We were talking and realized that not many people really think the way we do either and look at things how we do. Not that we were talking about anything deep or philosophical, it's quit silly but we won't get into that.

What I mean is, who cares to have a million cadrillion friends.. All that matters is that you have those quality, people in your life who at the end of the day understand you. Those are the people you're going to need and vice versa.  If you don't have those people to count on then I don't even know how anyone expects to make it through life. I know, it's all awesome to know yourself and be your best friend but having an outsider opinion is always necessary and it's always necessary by the people who know you the best and genuinely care about you.

I'm not trying to preach or sound wise by any means. This is just one of those things I think are super important in life.

Why Writers Write About Writing

From Thought Catalog

You lull yourself into the kind of comfort that can only come from having the right words at the right time right where you need them to be.

And you realize you could go on about everything. About nothing. About heartbreak and love and loss and what you ate for breakfast and your childhood and your dog. But no matter what you write about, at the core of it all, writers are somehow always writing about writing. About what words can do, about how they look and feel and combine to form emotions and memories. About how doing so moves you, pushes you, lights a little fire you thought was extinguished. Writers are always writing about writing just by the act of doing so.

But as writers are so apt to do, they make it out to be this elusive — even exclusive — thing. The simplicity of the task is compounded by the complexity of what it takes to perform it, and we’re left with people who somehow make the mundane and inevitable extraordinary and meaningful. This, in most contexts, is a wonderful thing. But it shouldn’t make you feel like less of a “writer” if sometimes you miss the mark. I hope I’m not the first to tell you that you don’t have to have a job title to make you one. You’re a writer because you write. And the desire to do so is cyclical. It doesn’t have to be a passion that consumes you all the time. It’s a self-identification, and you’re allowed to ebb and flow out of that. You aren’t indefinitely one thing or another for the rest of your life. You should know that. But what you should also know is that the times in which you are most a writer are usually the times in which you are most trying to clean up your insides.

I’ve never looked at writing as the art itself — rather, just the process, the medium. Writing is not the portrait, it’s the painting. Writing is speaking to yourself, but letting other people overhear the conversation.

The people who are compelled to write down what they feel are the ones who feel it hardest. They make up truths where they didn’t exist before. They put to words what would otherwise go muddled in their minds. Every single writer who can be honest can stand and ratify the fact that wedged between their words, laid subconsciously before them, were great loves and greater losses and deeper insecurities and projected fears. Nothing gets written without the intrinsic motivation to make something confusing and painful clear and beautiful.

And often, what it means to be a writer is to say everything about nothing at all. Writers make commodity out of getting a cup of coffee in the morning. Nothing cannot be twisted into a metaphor, nothing goes unvalued, nothing un-noted. So even when their lives seem average, they make them spectacular. They tell the same story, but the magic of it is that we all have the same stories at the end of the day. The human condition is universal, and though we obviously know that, do we really acknowledge it?

I recently saw a quote that went like this: “we’re all just walking each other home.” And sometimes our maps and hands are offered in words. Sometimes we are lighthouses and sometimes we are lost sailors. Writers know you are best crafted out of being both.

And ultimately, the thing about writing is that it forces you to surrender yourself to uncertainty and vulnerability, which, if you ask me, is the most important task to master. My favorite writer (because you should have a favorite writer; writers are readers who took their obsession with words just a shade too far) Cheryl Strayed once said something along those lines: that the place of unknowing is where the real work gets done — the vulnerable, uncertain place.

You can’t write in fear of mediocrity, because it will ultimately stunt you, and what’s more is that such a label is not for you to put upon yourself. You’ll have good days and better days, stories that a hundred people relate to, stories that other people deem insignificant, stories you deem insignificant. And not one part of that is bad. Because the best stories are written out of the dark parts of us. Because things are always scary when they matter. Because things are inherently neutral and we assign value to them, and looking deeply into the words that touch us may be the greatest way — or the only way — of understanding those parts of us.

Stay tuned folks!

Dating Is The Worst Way to Find Love And We Should All Stop Doing It
- thought catalog

"What if, as an alternative to the brutal freak show that is normal dating, we just let life happen? What if, instead of carving out intentional moments to try and force love to spontaneously appear, we simply seek out juicy, enriching experiences doing shit that we like and see what kind of people we meet along the way? Spoiler alert: Those people are not only more likely to have things in common with us, but by encountering us when we’re just doing our thing, being our amazing, un-self-conscious, beautiful selves, they are going to understand us much more honestly, much more easily. We are the best versions of ourselves when we are doing what we love, not when we are trying to deliberately convince someone to love us."

The whole article really explains the torture and senselessness of conventional first dates and I completely agree with the article and this ending paragraph really sums it all up.

Episode #1 // HITRECORD ON TV

I don't know who else I know that knows about HITRECORD, but it's definitely been one of those things I've known about for a long time that has made me gain a ton of extra respect for Joseph-Gordon Levitt. If you watch this awesome video it explains that it is an open-collaborative company he has going with his brother and well, everyone over the internet. It's such an incredibly fascinating idea and I love watching all of the success he's achieving with it. Not to mention everyone else's success who contributes and get's involved being able to get their work out there whatever it may be.

When such a huge creative mind like JGL and how he's so humble and thankful in welcoming everyone else's talents and their art it actually makes me so happy for this whole creative realm that exists. I feel like people who use creative outlets are all connected in some sort of way. Success, popularity or lack there of doesn't make us all any difference. It's all coming from what we have to share, how we feel and the way we look at things. So seeing everyone jump on the opportunity to come together to contribute to the variety of great works HITRECORD is making just brings me so much happiness. He's definitely using his large platform in an incredible way.

And on top of all that, if you make it to 18:00 he starts singing.... Can he be any more perfect?


 I would love to contribute one day.

NOOPE

Not letting anything ruin this positive feeling momentum I got going right now. Nope, no body is allowed.

"You are not useless. You are not hopeless. And no matter how scared you are, you will never be alone. And deep down, somewhere, in the part of you that decided the good days and your happiness and your health were all worth fighting for, you know that, too. Hold onto that knowledge. It will see you through the worst."

-Ella Ceron

Why guys love snapchat

It's been brought to my attention, through the past year or so.. That most boys love sending nudes. Unrequested, voluntary nudes. My theory is that they really just don't care and are dying for the girl to send the same type of pictures back. Which is normally is, that's their trade. This is never the case, for me I mean. I 100% care, and no one gets to see the lady parts unless you're boyfriend status or I'm getting a million dollars. Even then for those things I'll second guess it. But its just fascinating that guys will continuously ask for them and then send them without me having to say anything. I can express zero interest in getting one or ten (cause we all know they can't send just one) or wanting to see their junk. Yet, wait for it... BAM. There they are.

And now that snapchat is popular, both these things have just made this little love connection. Where they literally go hand in hand. I think snapchat is amazing though because everyone is scared to screenshot sometimes unless its been brought up, so they normally just disappear and it's great.

I'm only speaking for myself on this one but the photos don't even work the same way as they would for a guy. They get turned on, by the most basic photos.. I get some full frontal business and I'm just like oh, nice. Like it's cool sometimes and it's awesome when you think about it that they even want to share it with you specifically. But no one is over here getting all worked up that's for sure. I need real life interaction please.

Bottom line though they are still entertaining, if they're done right and from someone I'm actually interested in.
I've over time noticed the same actions from different guys therefore I had to share how the way the male mind works sometimes is terribly beyond me.

I'm really happy right now.. Like I'm so used to being stressed or upset I feel like those are like my default feelings. But right now things are pretty good. I'm pretty content with the way things are. I'm confident. School isn't kicking my ass yet. I had a pretty solid break. I just like the way things are right now I don't know how to really explain it. And I'm so scared to jinx it but I really want to take control of this year and not let things get to me so much and so out of control again. That's my goal to not reach those record breaking lows, I'm going to constantly take control of ever situation and make decisions that are better for me no matter what. Key words: no matter what.

I wrote an article when I woke up.. This afternoon. Don't judge me I'm still on holidays till the weekend is over. Any way I was pretty proud of it so I decided to submit it to two different sites. I dunno if that's like against some rule or anything, because then I realized what if they both publish it. But then I took myself down a notch and realized who I do I think I am? I figured it was worth a try. So fingers crossed.

Life

Consistency

I've started to really thinking over the past several months, or so what I really want out of someone I should take seriously. Not just the standard, smart, funny, adventurous blah blah blah. For the most part everyone's list of those types of qualities will be the same because who doesn't want a person like that?

What I want is someone who is consistent. That has officially become my number one answer (not that anyone is asking me). I want it to be easy and care free where I always know they will continue to act the same and do the same things that kept me interested. This can be as little as texting to as big as the decision to want a relationship. Consistency to me means this person also knows exactly what they want and won't stop until it's been reached. Clearly this is something that can of course be applied to everyday goals and dating. So if I find someone who's this serious about their ambitions too, then that's awesome.

I want someone who in general knows what they want. Who isn't constantly confused, needs time to think and is filled with excuses out the ass. I want to be able to share what my expectations are and have the other person understand them while being confident that they can fulfil them.

Personally, I don't think I'm asking for to much. I just feel like all the other stuff like mentioned above is a waste of time to even talk about. I want action. Demonstrate to me why this is even worth my time. That is the type of person I'm looking for.

“You are enough. You are so enough, it is unbelievable how enough you are.”

Wait stop

I just made a tinder. Fuck this is going to be fun.

NYE 2013

No midnight kiss but still a great night with some great people

2013? What the fuck was that

I've been avoiding doing this. Discussing the past year I've had, I can't exactly say why. I think it was just continuous disappointments, and emotional lows over and over again from march on ward. Which is pretty much the entire year that I didn't want to really have to think about. A lot has happened in the relationship world, the job world, the what I want to do with my life world. It was hard, I have to admit. I feel like 2013 was a giant test. To see what I can handle and how I handle these things. There were points where I didn't think I would feel any better. I literally didn't think I would feel happy again and that happened more than once because of multiple people. Who thinks like that? I know I can blame it on strong feelings but I'm not proud of those days.

I was fired for the first time which was terrible and a true demonstration of my character and what kind of jobs just aren't meant for me. I also started to take this blog seriously as an outlet for sharing my writing. I'm proud of myself for that.

It's been a long time I've been posting here, it's sort of become my child. Consisting of all these crazy moments I've been going through. All the ups and downs. It's crazy that I've even begun to have the confidence to share it to begin with. Granted not many people I know personally read it. It's still a step in the right direction. I realized journalism is the main goal but what I want to do with my future is to write. I want to be able to do what I admire so much about the people who move me with their writing. Whether that be in a future book I plan to write, or on blogs, or for television, magazines. Whatever that is. I just want to never give up on this craft.

Part of me wishes I could just forget about pretty much all of 2013 to be honest. I would love to. But then I would be forgetting everything I've learned. All the mistakes I've made. The shit I pulled from start to finish. Those are the things that are important and it would be a waste to forget them.

Don't get me wrong I had some great times this year. I wouldn't have even survived without my friends either, they were truly all heaven sent. I was able to do a lot of awesome things which I'm truly thankful for. It's just terrible all the moments I was hurting are the ones the resonate the most.

I believe 2014 is going to be a good year. I do. I'm going to carry some great lessons with me into this year. I'm going to make the best out of it, no matter what. I plan to focus on what's important. Not dwell on the past, that I can't even change anyway and keep moving forward. I agree that being happy is important but when I feel any other emotion that isn't happiness I want to feel it all, not fight it in order to push through it faster. I want to remember that my happiness comes first. I want to find someone that totally agrees with how awesome I am, thinks nothing less and vice versa.

The next 365 is about a whole new mindset.