Lyrics this time for you instead of a quote.

Do I wanna know?

If this feeling flows both ways

Sad to see you go

Was sorta hoping that you'd stay

Baby we both know

That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day

Crawling back to you

Ever thought of calling when you've had a few?

Cause I always do

Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new

Now I've thought it through

Crawling back to you

So have you got the guts?

Been wondering if your heart's still open and if so I wanna know what time it shuts

Simmer down and pucker up

I'm sorry to interrupt it's just I'm constantly on the cusp of trying to kiss you 

I don't know if you feel the same as I do. But we could be together if you wanted to

- arctic monkeys 

Despite it's relevance this is a rad song by a rad band. 

drunk post #2 ?

If I ever saw Dillon Francis in real life, like up close and personal.. In a normal sociable setting, minus him being incredibly popular. I'd be all over that. SO fast. I don't even care what anyone has to say.

I need to remember this time of my life.

Times are really rough for me at the moment. Not working all summer has been probably the shittiest thing to ever happen to me ever. Hands down. If we want to get real serious in this conversation I have to pay 100$ to Rogers by tomorrow or, well actually I have no idea what is going to happen to be honest. Maybe they will cut my phone off? That's the worst thing they can do actually so for the sake of making this sound like desperate times, we're going to go with that. Yeah anyways, and I don't have that. At all. So that's cool. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

This is only like ONE problem I'm having right now. We'd be here all day, if I explained everything that's actually happening.
I'm so fucked. I put myself in the absolute worst situation.

When this is all over, I'm going to be so appreciative of an income.

The stage that's supposed to be exciting?

When you're so crazy excited to see someone again it's just stupid.

Me right now, and I'm forced to be for a while.

It also happens to be at a time when I'm struggling to keep myself occupied, cause for everyone's information I truly don't have much of a life. (although It's slightly been my lazyass fault)

time needs to fly by. 

this needs to be stamped on my forehead.

"DON’T WORRY ABOUT LOSING. IF IT IS RIGHT, IT HAPPENS - THE MAIN THING IS NOT TO HURRY. NOTHING GOOD GETS AWAY."

John Steinbeck

“I’m a woman. That means I break hard. And mend like a motherfucker; all sexy and full of heartbreakingly beautiful scars.”

— Staceyann Chin

Back in the game.

I normally pretty much only post or write at night because that's just how I operate when it comes to wanting to share anything. But right now its 12:07pm and I can't help it. I just got home from one of the best nights. No I didn't have sex, since that's what most of my friends asked me, and I bet it's what you're thinking. I barely even slept, and I was borderline like internally uncomfortable because I came from spending a night at a friends, then the day in the sun, swimming and next to a bonfire. So let's all stop and realize that I hadn't been able to get home and turn myself into a clean and presentable human being. Unfortunately, but shit happens. It was still awesome none the less.

Hours and hours spent on a couch probably doesn't even sound that appealing at all either but we all know, if it's with the right person it can magically turn into the most fun activity imaginable. So that's what happened, I spent it with literally the only person I wanted to see. After kicking myself for screwing everything up in the span of several text messages, everything is pretty much back to the way it was before I said anything. Which in a way, may not be such a good thing considering I said what I said for a reason. On the bright side though, I did end up getting out everything I had to say so I'm hoping that got the ball rolling in some sort of direction in this person's brain. So we can one day reach the ideal end result.

fuck mee

I don't want to do this. I don't want to come on here, and complain. I don't want to sound like the biggest twenty year old baby that ever lived. I don't want to be this upset over something that barely even started. I don't, I really don't. But these are things that are out of my hands at this point. I'm incredibly upset right now. I anticipated this though, because with anything ever in life you never know but I'm still upset regardless. Like I literally, did not even fathom, how much I wanted this person or enjoyed their company, or loved speaking to them. Till I realized, it could all possibly come to an end. Because of my giant mouth, and curious mind of course, when is there ever any other reason? Never.

theres a first time for everything.

I've never written while drunk before. It was bound to happen eventually. It'll probably take me twice as long trying to fix all the spelling errors but that's okay.

I'm feeling really insecure at the moment and not about my appearance or acceptance of my personality, okay well maybe a little of the second but because something I was more so sure about, not completely sure but something I had a feeling was working out, feels in my eyes like its falling apart. Right at that specific moment where I'm starting to get comfortable, starting to let my guard down, starting to grow feelings. I have no idea what is going to happen but. Right now, I feel like shit. I feel like I've wasted my time. I feel like, I was crazy this whole time. I feel like this is what I was dreading and what I expected but thought would be different.

I'm incredibly bold when it comes to playing with my heart, but I still get hurt or sad, or disappointed all the same. I take chances but that doesn't mean I'm okay with having someone play games and lead me down a dead end.

I'm not saying that this has all gone to shit. Yet. I'll have to keep this updated on that part but at the moment I'm super doubtful.

I need a miracle.

“He looked at me like I was crazy. Most of my lovers do, and that’s partly why they love me, and partly why they leave.”

—  Jeanette Winterson

Hating on the one thing I probably spend my time doing the most.

I hate text messaging. There I said it. I love it, but I hate it. I hate that it is the furthest form of communication yet so much weight is put on the act of it. When's a good time to send a message, what they say so, how they are worded. What they mean, like what they really mean. Making sure the other person understands what you really mean. Sometimes you don't even want that, cause somehow emoji's and faces have become a way to explain full sentences. Then there's how often to text someone.

All of this stupid shit, and then to think that today I felt bad texting someone a message, someone I probably no not probably 100% won't ever see again in my life. I felt bad being straight up with this person. I literally thought to myself, what on earth is going on. This distant form of talking to someone has become so, important for lack of a better word that in my head and many others, it feels more personal and close than it actually is.

Having to speak to people in person, if texting didn't exist, don't get me wrong. I'd probably die and not talk to anyone. That's not the case in this time we live in though, and I'm so over caring so much about
fucking, text messaging.

Who cares.

Let it go, holy shit

My mom, she did an awesome job up until a point. But she needs to relax and let go. I always say that I'm going to go about being a parent different then my mother because 100% I totally will. She's the most dramatic and annoying person for no reason and it makes me literally not want to be at home. And she get's mad why I'm not home, well not only is it summer, but I'd rather be around any of my friends then be at home most of the time. Something that doesn't click in her mind. This woman thinks I'm going out too much, which I don't by the way, but then when I'm at home all I do is sit around, so what is her argument. It's all just incredibly annoying. You raised me with some common sense and at this point I'm adult, just leave me alone and let me live my life. She acts like I never ever come home as if I'm gone for days and days at a time.


Stop being so dramatic, you're long annoying rant, never has and isn't going to change anything.

more late night self evalutation

I don’t know the first thing about how to write (as you probably noticed in this post). I nod along and pretend that I know what things like “subject” and “predicate” and “passive tense” actually mean. I mean, I think I have an idea, but it hasn’t held me back so far. To quote Schopenhauer again, “to have something to say” is “by itself virtually a sufficient condition for good style.” I’ll take grade school dropout writing passionately in his prison cell over some empty, superior Yale MFA any day.


....What matters more now than any other single thing is that what you’re saying is different–that it’s interesting, that it provokes some response from people. You’ll only accomplish this if you’ve got something you have to say. Better yet, you need to have something that you can’t NOT say. If what you’re writing is a compulsion rather than a vehicle for your display how smart and well practiced you are.
So think about it one more time. Is it that you want to be a writer? Or it’s that you have these things inside you that you want very badly to communicate to people and writing is the best way to do it?
Getting the answer to that question right is the day you really become a writer.

- Ryan Holiday

I just read the most awesome article titled So You Want To Be A Writer? That’s Mistake #1 and it was incredibly inspiring. It pretty much summed up in a way why I haven't been pushing myself as much to get my writing out there. Granted what he's saying in this article is all his opinion and how he went about to find his success but I completely agree more than anything, and think it makes total sense what he's saying. Having that compulsive feeling to speak out about something is what I want to have. I want to write about things that I want to make sure people know about but it solely unique to my life and my story. I loved this guy's explanation for how to become a better writer because he explained that he doesn't exactly know every little detail about writing, which I'm totally guilty of, what the fuck is a predicate? Anyways, it helped him find his voice and his style that he can confidently say is his. Through the different perspectives he's gained by pretty much going that extra mile to make his life more interesting.

I've been saying I want to write about music for years. Which I do, don't get me wrong, but there are also so many other things I know I could and would love to write about. Not that I have found them yet, but I'm recently coming to terms with the fact that these other possibilities are what I want. This is an outlet that can get my voice heard, so honing my ability to express myself, and expanding what I have to express can lead me down so many interesting paths with writing. I may not even end up writing about music my mind wavers all the time. To be honest mostly because I'm a big baby who thinks I'll never be good at it. I just love the idea of making people think, while entertaining them, through writing.

softy moment.

Lately, I've been so thankful for having such great friends. And the thing is they haven't even done anything that super awesome for me like I don't have any sort of story right now. We have just been having a lot of good times and they are all just amazing people. We are also going to the cottage for four days this week so that's going to be unreal times. I'm just so thankful high school brought us all together, and that we've continued to be as close are we are. I know the chances are high for your friends from high school to become very distant over time but we have probably all just gotten closer.

With these people the jokes never end and I dunno, all I hope for is that one day when I have children they grow up with a group of friends like mine. Its a weird thought but, I always wonder like if parents are ever thankful that their kids have friends, that they got a boyfriend, that they go out and have a social life. I know these aren't the most important things in life, but they are what help someone be a well rounded person and obviously it keeps their kids happy and not miserable. As much as my mom wants to complain that I go out a lot. Which I don't but in her mind I do. I'm thinking you should be happy I'm the social butterfly that I am, and not a loner hermit. Not only that, but I don't think she realizes without my friends I would go completely mad.

things to remember while in my twenties

Um, this is all depressing advice, so maybe I should end it on an optimistic note. One thing you don’t realize in your 20s is that anything is possible. It sounds trite but it’s true. This is your moment. People like to think that the odds are stacked against them. Crappy job market, no money, no support, no clue how to enter the field you desire. While a lot of this is valid, you have to realize that by being the new generation, it’s our turn now. Someone has to be the new, great filmmaker, artist, scientist, author, etc. So why not let that someone be you? What’s different today than back then is that there is no clear path anymore. Lines are smudged, career trajectories are murky. But that’s also what makes it so exciting, don’t you think? You can create your own journey and become a trailblazer. I mean, is that a ridiculous thing to suggest? I’m typing this out and kind of wanting to gag at the saccharine tone, but I still think it’s true. I still think it’s possible to go after what you want and get it. It just involves a buttload of discipline and tenacity. You also can’t ever second-guess yourself. Imprint it on your brain. You will become who you want to be. There is no other alternative. The power of positive thinking often feels sooooo “delusional sorority girl” but it’s effective in many ways. It certainly can’t hurt, right? Besides, you’ll need all the help you can get during this freaking decade.

- Ryan O'Connel

appreciation post / unavoidable diary entry type part, I'm sorry.

This post is going to cover two totally separate topics.

The first one that is the more important is today, someone told me they enjoyed reading my blogspot. I don't care if it sounds stupid but that actually means so much to me, because I don't necessarily write to put it out there and make sure all my peeps read it. But if people do see it and like it that's so awesome. I want to pursue writing and this blog is just me and my thoughts and a way to practice getting stuff out so it's just like, aw man, thank you girl, your words mean a lot.


Secondly, I was going to be vague and not make it so obvious who I'm talking about it. But I'm going to commit being straight up and honest on my blog.
My ex made me so incredibly mad yesterday. Like if I had the ability to delete myself entirely from all his social networking, and from his phone, I would have undergone that process. That's how I was feeling in the moment at least. This is also one of those cases where its the principle more than anything. I'm done feeling like I'm some sort of burden. If you're not okay with our friendship then that's fine, but I'd rather you tell me that then act so unnecessarily rude, feeling like you can talk to me whichever way you want. That never flew with me before and we all know it's not gonna fly now. If I'm going to be the only mature one, to continue to always act nice and be respectful, then just forget it. Forget the friendship, or having me around. It's not worth it.
Also side note: the fact that you're the one in the wrong, and you still haven't said anything to me. Just continue doing that please, cause now I really don't want to hear from you.

You may read this, you may not. I don't care anymore. My happiness comes first, always.

That last part literally looks exactly like a diary entry, and I'm trying to avoid that and discuss things in a more well rounded way..  but sometimes I cannot help it. I'm sorry.

my best friend literally, never agrees on any guy that I find attractive. Or how I met them or started talking to them because I go about it in ballsy ways, I admit. I don't care at all. I don't like someone, in hopes for someone else's approval. BUT, she is extremely lucky, I can handle her harsh words.

No Control

“Sometimes when you meet someone, there’s a click. I don’t believe in love at first sight but I believe in that click. Recognition.”
— Ann Aguirre

A post or two back I mentioned, that sometimes it just doesn't click for another person. This quote I just came across is exactly what I'm talking about. And explains something I whole heartedly believe in. That click is annoying though. I'm not holding it up as some amazing thing because no matter what, that click stays on for pretty much ever. I mean, you can say that you've clicked it off, that it's not there any more. But that's a lie. Not only that, but I believe it happens with more than one person, another reason why it can be annoying. Lastly, it's not always reciprocated. That feeling should diminish if this is the case right? wrong. It doesn't. Don't get me wrong, it can also be amazing and exciting. I'm truly not that big of a pessimist at all I promise. As much as I hate smacking the ground when I fall, I'm the first person to take the leap.

truer words have never been spoken.

“If you’re dating a writer and they don’t write about you — whether it’s good or bad — then they don’t love you. They just don’t. Writers fall in love with the people we find inspiring.”

—	Jamie Anne Royce

My number one supporter.

I don't really have much to say right now. But I'm in the mood to write. Well actually I'm in the mood to do something really creative but I feel like stuck. Like I have no idea how I want to go about it, or anything and writing is the easiest creative outlet for me so that brings me here.

My dad is actually the more supportive and understanding older person ever. Not even bringing this up because father's day just happened. He's always been the most awesome dad ever. I don't need to post an instagram photo, or facebook status that he won't even see, telling everyone that. Anyway, I told him about my dream to move across the country when I finished school on Saturday (before father's day anyway) and he said as long as I can support myself I can live anywhere I want. It was an answer I was expecting from him to be honest, he would never tell me no to something like that, but it was also an answer that brought a smile to my face and made me so proud to like be his daughter. That he believes in me, that I can make this happen and he's behind me every step of the way, I'm just so fucking thankful. Not to mention, the big fat juicy NO I would have received if I told my mom that made it all the more sweeter. The funny thing is, she would interpret it as a question, and say no. When in actuality, I'm not asking her at all. It's a statement, a decision.

So we're just going to put that conversation off for a long time. Since it doesn't need to happen any time soon.

I'm also feeling very useless not working right now. Like incredibly useless. As a human being, apart of society I feel like a fucking waste of space. Work literally does give you purpose, I always thought of it as a pain in the ass but it made me feel like I was contributing something to the world. Now I just rot at home, applying to jobs and watching netflix. It's truly disgusting.

I can't wait for all of this to pass. What helps me handle it is thinking that five or so years from now, I'll look back at this shitty point in my life, and smile that I got through it and think, I knew it! I knew I would make it through it all.

I mean that's what I keep imagining.. I'm no psychic though.

Im going to be an author, I have no other choice.

When you you're friendzoned but you build up everything they do, to make you feel awesome in your head. And you think that maybe there's a chance! But at the end of the day you're still in the friendzone, and you can keep trying but there is literally nothing you can do about it. If it doesn't click for them it doesn't click. 

This is the story of my life. 

I'm going to write a book about how often this happens. I've told my friends and they think it's an awesome idea. 

Titled: Boys who don't like me. 

Volume 2: me and my friends and the boys who still don't like us. 

At first it was a joke but I might totally fucking do it. I need to start keeping track though, and wait till I'm later twenties for some real content. 

the most interesting way to look at it

“How can you say you love one person when there are ten thousand people in the world that you would love more if you ever met them? But you’ll never meet them. All right, so we do the best we can. Granted. But we must still realize that love is just the result of a chance encounter.”
— Charles Bukowsk

First Stop, West Coast!

All the time I read, and see about all these people with careers, accomplishments, and just overall personalities and minds that I look up to that have experienced so much. I want that for myself and I'm totally going to make it happen. If I promise anything myself it is to make sure I commit to my desire to do experience as much as I can while I can.

What I'm getting at is, my serious and important decision when I'm finished school to move to Vancouver. No matter what. There is going to be nothing keeping me in the GTA. I say this because who knows what life will be like in the next few years but it'll be nothing that will hinder me from expanding my horizons.

I pick Vancouver because it is one place of Canada I am absolutely dying to visit, and it is still in Canada so I can feel a little like I'm kind of at home. It just seems like a good first place to start this re-locating-freedom-journey that I'm going to start for myself. Other places I hope to spend significant amounts of time are Europe, literally, anywhere literally. Just to be over there will complete me. Then probably Australia or New Zealand along with parts of South Africa.

Note no place in America is on this list. Yeah, that's on purpose. I don't mind vacationing there at all, but to actually live there. I would never do. For multiple upon multiple reasons. It's just not the place for me. I know there are many things I can experience on a more amazing scale in Tokya, Dubai, Bankok, etc than I ever would in America too. Do your research folks! America aint got nothing on the over seas.

Anyways, I've mentioned time and time again that I'm dying to move out. Which I plan to, before school ends for at least a semester or two. That's going to be amazing, don't get me started on how perfect life will be at that point. But after that I want to do much more. A change of scenery is very necessary.

These are things that are only going to happen if I start to really envision it and take it seriously and from this day forward I am going to do that. I know I can do this because, I don't even know what the term "home sick" is, that has never applied to me. I'm independent enough to survive, and most the time I'm pretty content with being alone. I can handle the periods of time I will have no friends. I'm not oblivious to this fact, that this will happen and I will spend a lot of time alone. And that's okay. I'll either make friends eventually and be a part of the communities I live in or I won't, but all I can say right now is that I'm going to try.

Delete Contact

If we're going to be really honest right now. I have done this on more than one occasion. Obviously since we're at this point again, it didn't work. This time I'm giving myself the mental freedom and committing to this decision. Fully and whole heartedly. It's just time.

When you're around I turn into this desperate, stressed, un-easy, insecure, and incomplete person. It's disgusting and my growth as a person takes ten thousand steps back. All because of you. No matter what you say or do, I'm always going to become this person that I hate. It's never going to change. So what's going to change is me having no more chances to give you, the chances that allow you to have your little ego boost and satisfaction from knowing I've held onto these feelings for you.

God forbid, I let anyone else come along and put me through this same thing again. That doesn't even worry me, I've learned an incredible amount for you. Which I thank you for, really. I'm still super young, and I have so much time to apply these lessons. I'm actually thankful.

I've learned, its not the end of the world when my hearts broken, or my love, respect and care is so strongly unappreciated or not reciprocated. I've learned there are other people in the world who can and want to make me happy. I learned just cause I can't fucking move on, doesn't mean that fantasy in my head is the way things are supposed to be. I learned missing you, is a part of moving on, not a subliminal message that you should continue to be in my life. I learned that I'm amazing, in every single god damn way, and no man or woman should make me feel less. I learned not to have another person, be the weight behind my happiness, which means just because I can't have them and they don't want me doesn't mean I can turn into a miserable little sad girl.

I'm twenty now. Twenty one this year. I'm not the person I was when all of this started. Therefore I should continue to become the confident, strong, smart person I'm turning into, each and everyday and take the steps necessary in order for me to succeed as best I can in doing this.


No looking back, love where you're going.  

Stressed.

I'm so stressed about life. And I honestly haven't been sleeping much because of it. 

It's terrible. I feel like everything is just like falling apart.. Kind of, in a way.