Don't think I would just forget about it

Goodbye love, you flew right by love

Remember the way you made me feel

Such young love but

Something in me knew that it was real

Frozen in my head

Pictures I’m living through for now

Trying to remember all the good times

Our life was cutting through so loud

Memories are playing in my dull mind

I hate this part paper hearts

And I’ll hold a piece of yours

Don’t think I would just forget about it

Hoping that you won’t forget about it

Everything is gray under these skies

Wet mascara

Hiding every cloud under a smile

When there’s cameras

And I just can’t reach out to tell you

That I always wonder what you’re up to

I live through pictures as if I was right there by your side

But you’ll be good without me and if I could just give it some time

I’ll be alright

Goodbye love you flew right by love

“There was nothing beautiful about how it ended. You fucked up my life.”

— Stop Thinking Too Much

Relevant right now

“Anytime you’re gonna grow, you’re gonna lose something. You’re losing what you’re hanging onto to keep safe. You’re losing habits that you’re comfortable with, you’re losing familiarity. That’s a big one, when you begin to move into the unfamiliar.”

— James Hillman

A year later, I am okay.

I've been thinking a lot about how much things have changed in literally the span of one entire year (next month will be a year since I broke up with my ex). A lot has changed, more than I can even grasp. It will never cease to amaze me how, I can just carry on with my life without this other person who at one point I couldn't even breath without. I needed this person. And now I still can't believe it's reached a point where we don't even talk any more. It sounds so silly but I've never had something this drastic change for me before, he was a constant. For a long time. Now to think it might never go back to that ever again or we may never see each other again, gives me an indescribable uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach, all the time. Then to think the reason I ended things is so insignificant and I didn't even feel that way any more. The way my moods have changed on certain things, the way my feelings have changed towards certain people or stayed the same. I've been thinking about it very often lately, and it's more of an acceptance I'm going through now than anything. I know who I am, why I made the decisions I made, and felt the way I felt and I can't keep fucking beating myself up for acting on them and doing what felt right every step of the way. Even if it pushed people away or landed me here. Here isn't even that bad to be honest. Everything happens for a reason, I'm the biggest advocate of that. I like to always remind my self of the paths I've gone down and the people I've met because the way everything has worked out. I'm thankful for every experience I've gone through thus far, and everything I've learned. Every excruciatingly painful, sad, angry, frustrated emotion I endured for months and months on end, along with the happy, relieved, excited, and anxious ones.

Point is I'm okay. I'm going to be okay.

Things are so good right now, unexpectedly.

This person I surprisingly followed through with meeting turned out to be adorable and we hit it off so well. That whole night was shocking in itself that things turned out well, and I brought two of the best friends for moral support and that the was the best decision because they meshed so well with the crowd.

I'm also going to the Bahamas TODAY. So I'm gonna be drunk and baking in the sun for the next four days. Wish it was longer, but I'm still thankful none the less. So excited.

Things are solid.

Should I #nomakeup or #nofilter so you're aware of these two things?

For real don't know what to do with myself right now. I'm going downtown later but until then I'm rattled about something ( cause first dates are a fucking mess for me ). And I really want to snack on something. So my solution was to eat a spoonful of peanut butter and watch Dallas. Which I recently started, and don't have an incredibly great opinion about but I started it so I'll keep going till something else peaks my interest, cause I need a new show to binge watch. Anyway I'm rambling.


Point is

“Girls are trained to say, ‘I wrote this, but it’s probably really stupid.’ Well, no, you wouldn’t write a novel if you thought it was really stupid. Men are much more comfortable going, ‘I wrote this book because I have a unique perspective that the world needs to hear.’ Girls are taught from the age of seven that if you get a compliment, you don’t go, ‘Thank you’, you go, ‘No, you’re insane.’”

--  Lena Dunham, in an interview with The Guardian

I'm actually the biggest mess

Today my good friend came to me with a crisis in her relationship. Now naturally she would have because we're so close.. But I also know she felt more inclined to because I've done and been through the same exact thing. We won't go into the details of it. I'll just leave it at that.

Any way, she was constantly asking me what to do. Lord knows I didn't have any idea what to do when I was in the same situation. I acted quickly and just ripped the band-aid off. My decision allowed for me to suffer as well and I wasn't let off easy in my solution it by any means.

I tried to point out different things she should take into account while making her decision, as there were a number of options to take. But I couldn't confidently tell her what to do. No matter what kind of advice I tell anyone I don't like to flat out tell them what to do. As a friend the most I can do or like to do is be there for them and help evaluate every aspect of the situation so it's been well thought out. Even if it's not what they want to hear.

It just got me thinking like gurrrlll, I am the definition of a mess already. Every way you can interpret the term mess, that's me. I should not be giving anyone any advice. I emotionally don't have my shit together. I don't know what I want, ever. And I make some of the most irrational, hardly thought out, terrible decisions on a daily basis. That's just the reality of my life. I've learned to accept it and try to tell myself, I'm learning.

That's one of the last things I said to my friend, I told her don't beat yourself up for it. We all fuck up in many different ways. But I can promiseeeee you, you will learn from this and because you're feeling this way it will only teach you something in the future.

Staple this on my forehead

“a man that doesn’t recognise that he has made a mistake, is one you need to steer clear of.”

“There’s so much more to life than finding someone who will want you, or being sad over someone who doesn’t. There’s a lot of wonderful time to be spent discovering yourself without hoping someone will fall in love with you along the way, and it doesn’t need to be painful or empty. You need to fill yourself up with love. Not anyone else. Become a whole being on your own. Go on adventures, fall asleep in the woods with friends, wander around the city at night, sit in a coffee shop on your own, write on bathroom stalls, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others, smile a lot. Do all things with love, but don’t romanticize life like you can’t survive without it. Live for yourself and be happy on your own. It isn’t any less beautiful, I promise.”

— Emery Allen

First of all, let it be known here and now that I did love you. I was only ever cold to you that one time because I cared too much. I didn’t know how I was supposed to act when you heightened such a keen sense of passion in me. I could never think normally when I was around you. Some say that infatuation is different from love but what I felt for you bordered in between. I loved you despite your faults but I also crushed on you like you were the best thing since coffee. You woke me up. You did wake me up.

Thought Catalog | To That Person I Fell In Love With When the Timing Was Just Not Right

R.I.P

He was legitimately one of my favourites, not in a bandwagonny sad cause he's gone type of way. I always said it and people didn't understand why. He was troubled with addiction but unbelievably talented.
R.I.P Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

Life as of February 3rd

I don't know why I feel like so much is happening right now, and I've been so slow in writing about it. Honestly it's probably not even as much as it feels like. I spoke to my ex. my best friends scolded me for it. But I don't blame them. I mean it didn't go terribly or anything it went fine. They just think I shouldn't have, even though that little incident happened and I feel I had to make sure it didn't look like I was being rude/dry. Cause I'm such a mess I had to make sure of this, that's why. So I did and it was fine. There's not much else to say about that.

I was really confused about this one person I'm really into, and we finally had a conversation about everything.. I don't know if I want to go into details about it. But he's not ready to put effort after really considering the distance between us and enduring two other long distance relationships and that's fine. We're still into each other, it's just not going to work right now. And that's okay. It's only frustrating because I'm ready to try and put the effort and the other person isn't, that's the frustrating part. Timing is everything. And that we live a significant amount of time apart from each other is so out of our hands, that that's determining it going anywhere.  But it's cool, we'll remain friends.

What else, I'm on a schedule now for 88magazine.com so you will be seeing a post from me up there four times a week. At first looking at it. It seemed kind of crazy looking at it at first. But I don't think my friend would ask it of us if he didn't think it was possible, they're also super understanding if we couldn't fulfil it. But I'm going to try my best. I really commend him on pushing me and putting me on certain days because, I want to write more and I need that. Everyone is on a schedule so not only I but several others will be frequently putting up content so check it out!

This Friday I'm headed to New York for the Arctic Monkeys with my guy friend who is up there with one of those folks who make me laugh a ton. So that should be fun. Hopefully we survive each other's company and just returning to Toronto together and in one piece.

That's everything I can think of.. That's worth mentioning.

Bahamas is coming up so soon. I've bought too many bathing suits for this trip not to be the best ever.

But you can’t let go of something until you understand what it is you’re letting go of.”

“Don’t hang out with people who don’t love you. Don’t try to impress people who aren’t worth it. Don’t try to win people over who aren’t worth it. Focus on yourself, and focus on the people who are really awesome and who love you. Don’t hang out with people who make you feel like shit. Don’t spend your energy on them. There is so much pressure to be part of the right thing: well, you should create the right thing. If you don’t see it, create it.”

— Beth Ditto

Morning time thoughts..

I dunno what I'm doing. I feel like an idiot right now. Not about my little story last night I told, I'm over that. I feel like an idiot wanting something to work out so badly and someone I can't have and shouldn't want. I feel like something must be hardwired in my brain to allow me to make decisions that just result in getting hurt, or being miserable. 

I posted don't ignore the red flags for a reason. But I'm always the type of person who doesn't listen and is recklessly fearless enough to keep going. I keep going and push the limit to the worst possible outcome. I haven't done that as of yet, but it's normally how it goes. Then I hate myself for it. It's a sick little cycle. 

I feel hopeless in a way. I feel disgusted that it happens so consistently. 

I can't let it get so terrible this time though. Not again. Noooope. 

I'm Embarrassing

This is such a spontaneous post right now but I just got home from work.. For those of you who don't know, the one and only ex, the one I've been crying over missing works literally around the corner from my store. So of course, as I'm walking out today I see him. The only time I've seen him in a long time even at his store. I knew it was going to happen eventually, but I didn't know when.. That day came today.

Of course as stupid as I am, I point him out to my sister and even though he was looking down as I'm pointing he looks up.......

Then I look away and we start laughing simply because I'm an idiot. Not at him. But anyway, point of the story. I'm an idiot.

Part of me doesn't care though because what was I gonna do run up and say hi? Wave? Pretty sure he doesn't want to talk to me either so I guess I can't be mad at the silly reaction I gave.


Still that silly ass kid though.

Don't ignore the redflags.
Don't ignore the redflags.
Don't ignore the redflags.
Don't ignore the redflags.
Don't ignore the redflags.

Just because you have a crush.

Someone staple this on my forehead please.

“You are, after all, what you think. Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.”

― Elizabeth Gilbert

Damn, this is so well said. I'm blown away.

I Don’t Hate You. I Just Love Me. Bye. | Thought Catalog


It seems as though I’ve been holding hands with a memory of you for a while. You see, the contrast between the good and the bad in this situation was so defined, that it was easy for me to rheumatoid arthritis grip on to any of the positive in our relationship (if you can call it that). I understand exactly how you’re probably feeling and that’s why I’ve come to this conclusion.

I’m not mad at you, I’m not sad, not even disappointed.

I’m just done.

That requires me to feel nothing but hope towards my future as I wave goodbye to that cute button nose of yours.

The easiest thing to do is forget how much space you took up in somebody else’s life, and that’s just what you did. You filled the space that I had for you in my life with things that didn’t pertain to me at all and that’s okay.

People like people. Sometimes it doesn’t work out.

I’m sure you’ll scramble for any excuses to make me understand your vacancy or make me pity you. That’s just the lost child in you that wants someone there; not me.

My life is real; so don’t treat me like it isn’t.

You blame the awful way you treat me on your ex girlfriends. By blaming them, it shows that they still have power over you and I don’t want someone who doesn’t have control over himself. You pushed me to do things I didn’t want to do and then you blamed me for them, basically abandoning me so that you could feel better about what you are responsible for.

Also, given this humbling moment of rejection for me, I would appreciate if you don’t pity me. This is my journey, and just because you didn’t love me, doesn’t mean someone won’t.

I will find love, and it will be beautiful.

I know you probably think that I’m butt-hurt or mildly offended by your utmost consistence at being disrespectful. In all honesty, I just feel bad for you.

I can read you like a book and you’re not interesting to me anymore because what I see isn’t appealing. I like myself, and I treat myself better than you ever will.

I know what you’re thinking and to answer your question: No, it’s not because I love someone else, it’s because I love myself. The way you treated me was an extension of how you feel about yourself, and by the looks of it, you pretty much hate yourself. Given the instances where I tried to calmly express my feelings to you, and your innate ability to brush them off with angry entitled defensiveness I understand your blatant insecurity like I understand photosynthesis.

My Dad always told me that the right person will move mountains to see me, and if they didn’t: Drop it like it’s hot.

I can’t carry the weight of your insecurities and issues. I only have two hands.

I hope that you learn from this experience or at least think of me fondly.

And please, don’t call. I won’t answer. Kind of like you didn’t.

But hey, at least I had the courage to tell you.

Bye

Everybody has to let go someday 

Everybody has to let go 

I wonder when I will. I wonder.

La Dispute - You and I in Unison 

Better

Today was better emotional wise. I don't know why I've been at this breaking point lately. Where I'm on the verge of tears, it just takes me several moments to close my eyes and let it happen. I can't waste any more time doing that though. It's ridiculous. No one in this world is shedding a single tear for me so what the fuck am I doing? Exactly, wasting time.

It's just very unlike me, to cry. At all. And I enjoyed being that type of person, but I think that hardness is wearing off.

I have a lot of things to be happy for that I need to remember or have someone hit me over the head to remember.

Bahamas needs to come sooner, that will give me the ultimate relaxation. I couldn't imagine anything better.

Everyone knows I'm right about one thing

You and I don't work out

You bring out the mean in me I bring out your insecurity

You know what I am talking about

Eventually you'll be fine if we break up

And one day I'll be fine too

But we should just end it now before someone gets more hurt than they have to

As for our house I'll move out

You can keep the dog we trained

Things soon will be like before

I ever met you

Before I ever met you

Before I ever met you

I never knew that my heart could love so hard

Before I ever met you

I never knew I would be enemies with disregard

Before I ever met you

I never knew that I like to be kissed for days

Before I ever met you

I never knew I could be broken in so many ways, ways

I never knew I could be broken in so many ways, ways

I never knew I could be broken in so many

Everyone knows I'm right about one thing

You were my only vice

I got you addicted to trying to be bulletproof but you had too much to lose

As for our house I'll move out

You can keep the dog we trained

Things soon will be like before

I ever met you

Before I ever met you

                         

Banks - Before I ever met you

I Just

Submitted another article to hellogiggles.com. This is nerve racking cause I was really trying something new with this one. So hopefully it makes sense.

Fingers crossed!

If anything you'll still get to see it, I'll probably post it up here.

Fun fact:
I literally just woke up and wrote it, didn't anticipate it at all like I was trying to with the other topics I was working on. It just came to me so fast. That's how the first one worked too. Maybe I should just be patient and stick to this process

This is me everyday.. Articulated perfectly.

How It Feel To Miss Your First Love - Thought Catalog

I can judge how far I’ve come by how long it takes you to pop into my head after I wake up. If I make it five minutes, it’s impressive. It’s not that I want to torture myself with memories from the past—my brain is just hardwired to resurrect pictures, places, whispers, smiles, anything really, from when I was my happiest.

It’s amazing how fresh the wounds feel. The pain comes and goes in waves. Sometimes I get distracted for long enough to forget, but that only lasts for a little while. Inevitably the surge returns, and I temporarily lose myself in a memory, desperate to travel back in time.

I’m usually pretty good at pretending that I am happy alone or that I am not completely broken. But sometimes the charade falls flat and my façade of tranquility starts to crack. The cracks spread wider and wider until I can no longer lie.

That’s when I close my eyes and my throat tightens and I miss you. I let myself miss you because I loved you, because you were mine and I was yours in a way that I never thought was possible. I let myself grieve for a few minutes, and then I start up the charade again. I rebuild that wall and I face the world.

I know it will take time for me to make peace with the fact that you and I are no longer “we.” I know it will be a while before I find the strength to rearrange all the pieces and glue them back together, instead of slapping a smile on my face and lying to everyone. I try my hardest to be brave for you, for both of us. I’m sorry if you occasionally watch the façade crack, or I lose control momentarily when you are around me.

I promise I will try my hardest to remember that this has happened to both of us, not just me. I promise I will never do anything to intentionally hurt you.

I will never regret any of the time I’ve spent with you. I never will. We were incredible and crazy and weird and perfect and that’s what makes getting over us so astonishingly difficult. And that is why I miss you.