Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Note to self.. stay strong

I just had a breakdown with my friend. Well I mean, I was the only one breaking down and my best friend helped. She wasn't breaking down. Although she went through that several weeks ago and I was of course, drop everything, there for her.

Any way, I just really genuinely felt how sad I was. I really felt it and it made me cry for a long period of time. And when I tried to explain why I was sad, it was just everything. So many different things make me sad. I listed like them all and I was just like I can't remember the last time I was really happy. Truly happy, not the temporary happy for the evening but continuously non stop, care free, happiness. I couldn't remember. Like I could remember a time but a most recent time? Nada.

Then she told me I base too much of it on guys, which is true. Or more so I let it affect me way more than it should, we also discussed I need to start picking up a new fucking hobby. I have to much time on my hands and I just wallow in it for days. It's disgusting and unpleasant.

I got so much anxiety before this cry session I couldn't even nap. I couldn't nap. If anyone knows me, they would know that, that shit is unheard of. Unheard of. I nap like it's my fucking job. I couldn't rest my brain to sleep. That's how bad it is. I'm so tired right now but I can't even both trying to sleep because I keep myself up late and I wake up early cause I can't sleep any more. My sleeping pattern is messed up is the point I'm trying to make.

I'm not going to get into the details of what caused me to cry, because there is a lot I don't write on here. There are details I leave out all the time. What I'm getting at is, that I need to occupy my time and work towards being happy on my own.

Why is being happy so important anyway? I wonder that too. Maybe because for me, the alternative is this bullshit I'm enduring right now.

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