Friday, November 22, 2013

Just had a cry session

How am I not supposed to question my decision when it hurts me this much? How am I supposed to stand by how I feel about this if it's literally killing me? And then it kills me even more when I think about why I got upset in the first place.

I feel so emotionally exhausted. Every time there's something that's eating at me. All the time. As soon as one thing is over. This happens and now I'm incredibly miserable and sad all over again. I feel like a part of me is missing. Like I can't be entirely myself if I don't have this person to bounce off when I need to. Is that weird? I know I miss him, but it's like a serious missing, like I feel as I carry out my day something is just incomplete. Like something is out of place. That's a constant feeling I have and it's painful. It never goes away, ever.

It's probably because this isn't supposed to be like this. We work. Something that makes me this mad shouldn't stop us from getting along or cause me to want to ring your neck so bad. But it does. It does a lot. And I don't know how to deal with that. I don't think I should be at fault or suffering because I don't know how to handle this. How the fuck am I supposed to handle it? Of course I'm fucking rattled. Every one of my girl friends would be. I put up with her for the sake of our relationship. I became "friends" with her because I would see her around because we were together and she was your friend. So I wanted to be civil. I bent over backwards to be nice to a girl I had a problem with and who had a problem with me. Do you not understand. Because of you I was forced to even be friends with her. I didn't even want to be. Ever. And now you want to start seeing this person. Are you being fucking shady? Or are you being fucking shady?

I'm not the psycho one here. Like I went psycho on you, but my feelings aren't. Of course I'm fucking rattled. Of course I still care about you. Of course I don't want her of all people, of all people on the planet to have you. Why couldn't it be someone I don't even know. That's totally new. Like before. No, this time you had to take the lowest, absolute lowest blow. 

ugh, like what the actual fuck bro.

Sommetimes I write like I think you're going to read it. Even though I'm convinced you don't give two shits about me any more. 

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