Thursday, November 14, 2013

Panic attack from start to finish.

I went to sushi. And I ate a lot. I was feeling a little on the sick side. But now that I saw him post a photo of another girl, with a caption calling her cute on instagram. I literally started hyperventilating. Like I was starting to be into this other guy I`ve been getting to know and he`s been awesomely distracting. But seeing him move on, like even though I know he had. Seeing actual evidence of it. Literally made me feel sick enough to throw up.

I already ate way too much and I started to gag. Everything about it makes me sick. My jealousy, my anger, the feelings I have, that I ate so much god damn sushi. I just want to drown everything out right now.

I almost started to cry, but I literally didn`t any more tears. It was weird. I felt the urge too. And nothing.

Anyway, I guess any assumptions I had before are all settled. I need to unfollow him on instagram and remove him from my news-feed. I need to. I really really really need to. Because seeing more of it is just going to rip me apart each and every time.

Wow. And how convenient is that I come across this perfect thought catalog article titled 15 Things You Realize When You Lose Love Again. Not that I lost love, cause I'm not calling it love, but I bring it up because some of the ones on this list are so relevant and helping me relax.

3. That you actually don’t want to settle for love you’re uncertain about or someone who doesn’t want you, no matter how much it would be comforting to be back in their arms.
4. That love never means what you think it does at the end of the day. The concept of it, and the way you understand it, is always evolving.

8. The unmatched healing power of friends who actually want to listen to you analyze the situation for the thousandth time, and who will sit down and say, “Remember when you felt this way about so-and-so? I do. Eventually you’ll feel the same way about this one too.”
10. What you deserve. There are few things more empowering than walking away from a relationship knowing you inherently deserve more.
13. That it’s not pathetic to want to be loved, but the process of getting to a place where you feel that way often feels like nothing but.
14. The importance of a great counselor who knows your story, and not necessarily a professional one, just some wise person in your life who always seem to know what direction you need to be led in.
15. That romantic love isn’t the most important thing there is, and that happiness is not the product of what someone gives you, but that which you take for yourself.

I'm okay now. I think I actually needed it. I think I was seeing what I wanted to see for a long time. And the truth was starting to be visible (specially from our short last conversation). But after that photo, it just make everything really clear. We can't be friends. I clearly can't be just friends with him. Or by now, it would be easier to stand back like this. What we had ran it's course and I need to remember how amazing I am. 

“You can ask the universe for all the signs you want, but ultimately, we see what we want to see when we’re ready to see it.”

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