Wednesday, November 20, 2013

New honest genuine realisations and I saw him today (and almost puked)

I was talking to my friend just now, about everything again in depth. Because I didn't get a chance to.

Fun Terrible Fact: I saw him today. Well the back of him. Of course the second I saw I put my head down and started looking at my phone sending pointless texts. There was so many emotions happening at once. I almost threw up. Just projectile, on my phone. Thank god I didn't cause I was trying to go unnoticed and that would have for sure blew my cover.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. I realized there was so much more I want to tell him. So much more. Like I don't even think I can type this fast enough to get it all out. I think the reason that it bothers me so much that he's seeing her, is that I've always thought she was sketchy but besides that I think, I don't think she's good enough for him. That's it. I know her enough. I've been around for almost three years seeing her around. And I really don't think she's good enough. And this isn't me saying I'm good enough. This is me saying he deserves better. Bottom line. He's one of the most amazing people I've ever been able to have in my life. Amazing is such a general word. But by that I mean all around, in every category. And he is someone, I feel deserves the best.

It just makes me so frustrated because I know this comes off as selfish, it comes off like I don't care, or want him happy but it's the total opposite. Me being mad about this whole thing, stems from how much I do care about him and want him to be happy. The kid is was hands down is one of my best friends. If I missed him before this all happened. (which you can find me admitting if you search past posts) I sure as hell miss him now. And I want the best for someone who means this much to me. I let him go. It was a stupid. But for what? For someone who in no way shape or form deserves to have him. She's not good enough. NOOPE.

I would love to tell all these things to him. My friend says I should, she doesn't believe in us not talking. But I feel like it will build another argument and he still won't get it. I wish I got to add this in when we were first discussing. But now I feel like it's too late.

I'm being so stubborn. I don't care though cause screw them both. But what am I hoping will happen after the silent treatment to one another? That one day I'll be okay with the whole thing and starting talking to him again. I highly highly highly doubt that I'm ever going to be okay with this. The last thing he said to me "I hope this break gives you what you want" (I interpreted that as rude and insincere but anyway). Now I'm thinking like what the fuck do I want?
I want them to stop fucking seeing each other. So if that's not going to happen then..

Should I start coming terms with us just never talking again? I dunno.

It's only Wednesday. Shit went down on Saturday. I'm already going insane. I've lost one of my best friends. I can't see myself hitting my breaking point though, because every time. Every single time. I think about contacting him. I think about the two of them. Then I can't do it.

So the ranting continues...

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