Alt-J "An Awesome Wave"

Have you ever listened to an album that someone says they absolutely love, but you don't know this person well. So listening to it, like gives you this weird warm fuzzy feeling you're getting to know them really well and getting this intuitive sense of who they are by listening to each track knowing they how much they love them.

That was a really long drawn out explanation but even if it's never happened to me, you get it right? That's happening right now with this album I'm listening to, knowing it's one of someone I recently got to know's favourite. I love how this happens.

And it does to me pretty often, specially if I actually end up really liking it. Everyone should try it, when you're first talking to someone I think music is hands down one of the most important things to talk about. It says a lot about a person. I've never experienced it saying anything bad, but it shows who they are in a way that can't exactly be explained with words. If that makes any sense?

So next time you ask someone what their absolute favourite artists are (because you should) take the time after to listen to an album or two.

Just do it. I swear I'm making sense.

Every word of the emotion in this, I've gone through.

To the boy I never officially dated  - Thought Catalog 

We never officially dated.

Not really, anyway. Sure, we went on a handful of cute dates over the course of a month. Sure, I remember the unadulterated joy I’d felt every morning when I woke up to a text from you. And sure I remember the electricity I’d felt when you put your hand around my waist and leaned in to whisper something in my ear when we went dancing on our third date (I still didn’t hear what you said, but I smiled and nodded anyway).

But we never officially dated. Because after that handful of dates, you pulled away. I was okay with it — he’ll come back, I figured. He just needs space. We had perhaps been texting too much — always initiated by you, I might add — and I could do with some space myself. But after over a week of barely hearing from you and waiting up to 24-hours for a reply when I did, I reached out. And eight hours later, you replied asking if we could just be friends.

I’ll never understand what happened — I know I did nothing wrong — but I agreed anyway, perhaps foolishly. Because while I knew I wanted more, we were so compatible that I honestly thought we could make it work. And besides, I was still new to the city and didn’t yet have any gay friends, of which you had a lot. I’d heard all about them, and I still wanted to meet them.

So we became friends. And things went back to normal. You started texting me all the time again and asking me out for drinks (where you were still pretty flirty, but I told myself that’s just how you are with everyone). “We almost dated” might be the weirdest type of friendship one can have with someone, but I’d be damned if it didn’t feel right.

So why did my stomach sink when you posted that picture of you kissing another guy on Instagram?

Was it because you had never even mentioned that you were casually dating anyone, let alone seeing someone seriously enough to publicly show off your affections to the entire world?

Was it because even though we agreed to be friends, I never had proper closure, and as such had retained a bit of a residual crush?

Was it because it had been less than two weeks since you asked if we could be friends?

All of the above, probably.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not mad at you. You did nothing wrong, technically. But I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been listening to my fair share of “Fuck Boys” playlists on 8tracks. I’d be lying if I said you weren’t still my 3AM thoughts. I’d be lying if I said every time my phone buzzes, I don’t secretly hope it’s you. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still want you in my life on some level.

But I can’t be your friend anymore. Because while I’ve started saying yes to the guys that ask me out again, I need to stop subconsciously comparing them to you. I need to stop wondering if you and your new guy fit together as perfectly as we did. I need to stop feeling insane, insecure, and irrational all at once. But most of all, I need to let myself be happy again. And you need to let me be happy, too.

So I’m sorry that I’ve stopped replying to your texts, and I’m sorry that I unfriended you on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. But I couldn’t look at another picture of you smiling that smile that I had grown so fond of with your arms wrapped around someone else, or see another tweet about happy and in love you are. I hope you understand that it’s just something I needed to do to move on as you so clearly have from me.

But I’d be lying if I said I don’t still hope that sometimes you wonder about me.

You know when you have no one to blame but yourself..

Yeah those moments, are ten times more frustrating than even having someone else to put the blame on.. Because chances are, you had a feeling it was coming and you ignored it. Chances are there was more than one sign where you should have been like stop being so fucking stupid and you ignored it.

That's me right now.

I'm not mad. Well I am mad, at myself. For not listening to the red flags, or the yellow borderline red flags that popped up every so often.

No one on this planet wants to a relationship. And I don't know if I even want one, I don't ever know what I want. But why is it that when they wanna make it known that they don't want one, things have to get so weird. Who cares. Like okay cool, that's good to know. I never said that's what I wanted but alright if we're going to go there thanks for telling me.

I mean I wouldn't mind a relationship, but that's not the point. The point is, I thought that was a possibility,
and I was cool if things just ran it's course, but I was never gonna discuss it. Now he brought up the R word, which I had a feeling what his feelings were towards it, but it's always more weird after talking about it like this.

I fucking give up.

I just want to sleep till st. patty's. Then after that sleep till summer. Then repeat.

A plane has disappeared.

Today my Mom was driving me to get the bus for school, because this women almost made me late and I was sitting there thinking so hard about this guy that's been frustrated me who I could probably stab in the neck. I was just thinking about like what to do next and how much I actually care and stuff like that.

Now my Mom had no idea I was thinking about these things obviously, it was in my head. All of a sudden during this contemplation of what I cluelessly thought was important she blurts out "did you hear about that plane that disappeared?" And sadly, being the disappointing and embarrassing media student that I am, I hadn't. So she told me the main gist of what's going on.

There is a fucking plane missing, and no one knows where it is. WHAT.

I didn't freak out in the car, but my mind was exploding.

Who the fuck am I sitting here, thinking about the most trivial shit I could possible think about when over two hundred people have vanished using the largest means of transportation possible. Not to mention the tons of families that are losing their minds. It brought me back down to earth so quick, the story and the impact is what made my brain explode.

There are way more important things in life to think about than whether or not a douche is gonna text me. For example sometimes, others. And not myself.

It was the weirdest epiphany, and it wasn't even 8am yet. Which means I hadn't reached the point of fully functioning but it was too obvious to ignore.

Those people are constantly in my thoughts.

Glacial Pace

I'm starting to get really aggravated. I thought I could be patient and calm the entire time or longer than I have so far and I'm starting to get very annoyed and tired of hoping things will progress. I feel like I'm receiving a very half-ass attempt and I don't want to entertain myself with lazy men who in the end just become a let down. That happens too often. I really wanted to see where things go with this, but I don't see a point any more. Which is really disappointing. I'm not chasing anyone.

Always

“I’m always soft for you, that’s the problem. You could come knocking on my door five years from now and I would open my arms wider and say ‘come here, it’s been too long, it felt like home with you.’”

— Azra.T “My Heart is Full of Open Windows.

Does this make sense?

Most the time I'm not very helpful in getting my friends to make a decision. Shopping is a big demonstration of this. A lot of the time I'll just say "if you like it than get it" considering it fits them well and it's worth the money. Because I don't want to judge someone for what they like I just want to help them feel more comfortable and confident in making their decision. That's just the most simple explanation of it.

It applies for pretty much everything. I don't like to tell people what to do. Personally, I don't always like listening to other people. Most of the time. I like to hear what they have to say but most the time I'll probably do what I want any way, that's just how I am. So I feel like other people should do that too, and don't base what they do off my suggestion or opinion. Everyone should just start doing what they want more.

I mean I have my moments where I just really need someone to give me a kick in the ass to do something, we all do. But I take pride in the way that I can think what's right/best for me most the time. And if I fuck up, I can learn from it and carry on with life.

You know what I mean ?
Am I making sense, this is a serious ramble. I should be asleep right now.

If someone doesn’t care about losing you: Move on. There are thousands of people that will die and kill to not lose you.

Unknown

Every day

Every fucking day I miss that kid. 

No body even understands it. 

Don't think I would just forget about it

Goodbye love, you flew right by love

Remember the way you made me feel

Such young love but

Something in me knew that it was real

Frozen in my head

Pictures I’m living through for now

Trying to remember all the good times

Our life was cutting through so loud

Memories are playing in my dull mind

I hate this part paper hearts

And I’ll hold a piece of yours

Don’t think I would just forget about it

Hoping that you won’t forget about it

Everything is gray under these skies

Wet mascara

Hiding every cloud under a smile

When there’s cameras

And I just can’t reach out to tell you

That I always wonder what you’re up to

I live through pictures as if I was right there by your side

But you’ll be good without me and if I could just give it some time

I’ll be alright

Goodbye love you flew right by love

“There was nothing beautiful about how it ended. You fucked up my life.”

— Stop Thinking Too Much

Relevant right now

“Anytime you’re gonna grow, you’re gonna lose something. You’re losing what you’re hanging onto to keep safe. You’re losing habits that you’re comfortable with, you’re losing familiarity. That’s a big one, when you begin to move into the unfamiliar.”

— James Hillman

A year later, I am okay.

I've been thinking a lot about how much things have changed in literally the span of one entire year (next month will be a year since I broke up with my ex). A lot has changed, more than I can even grasp. It will never cease to amaze me how, I can just carry on with my life without this other person who at one point I couldn't even breath without. I needed this person. And now I still can't believe it's reached a point where we don't even talk any more. It sounds so silly but I've never had something this drastic change for me before, he was a constant. For a long time. Now to think it might never go back to that ever again or we may never see each other again, gives me an indescribable uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach, all the time. Then to think the reason I ended things is so insignificant and I didn't even feel that way any more. The way my moods have changed on certain things, the way my feelings have changed towards certain people or stayed the same. I've been thinking about it very often lately, and it's more of an acceptance I'm going through now than anything. I know who I am, why I made the decisions I made, and felt the way I felt and I can't keep fucking beating myself up for acting on them and doing what felt right every step of the way. Even if it pushed people away or landed me here. Here isn't even that bad to be honest. Everything happens for a reason, I'm the biggest advocate of that. I like to always remind my self of the paths I've gone down and the people I've met because the way everything has worked out. I'm thankful for every experience I've gone through thus far, and everything I've learned. Every excruciatingly painful, sad, angry, frustrated emotion I endured for months and months on end, along with the happy, relieved, excited, and anxious ones.

Point is I'm okay. I'm going to be okay.

Things are so good right now, unexpectedly.

This person I surprisingly followed through with meeting turned out to be adorable and we hit it off so well. That whole night was shocking in itself that things turned out well, and I brought two of the best friends for moral support and that the was the best decision because they meshed so well with the crowd.

I'm also going to the Bahamas TODAY. So I'm gonna be drunk and baking in the sun for the next four days. Wish it was longer, but I'm still thankful none the less. So excited.

Things are solid.

Should I #nomakeup or #nofilter so you're aware of these two things?

For real don't know what to do with myself right now. I'm going downtown later but until then I'm rattled about something ( cause first dates are a fucking mess for me ). And I really want to snack on something. So my solution was to eat a spoonful of peanut butter and watch Dallas. Which I recently started, and don't have an incredibly great opinion about but I started it so I'll keep going till something else peaks my interest, cause I need a new show to binge watch. Anyway I'm rambling.


Point is

“Girls are trained to say, ‘I wrote this, but it’s probably really stupid.’ Well, no, you wouldn’t write a novel if you thought it was really stupid. Men are much more comfortable going, ‘I wrote this book because I have a unique perspective that the world needs to hear.’ Girls are taught from the age of seven that if you get a compliment, you don’t go, ‘Thank you’, you go, ‘No, you’re insane.’”

--  Lena Dunham, in an interview with The Guardian

I'm actually the biggest mess

Today my good friend came to me with a crisis in her relationship. Now naturally she would have because we're so close.. But I also know she felt more inclined to because I've done and been through the same exact thing. We won't go into the details of it. I'll just leave it at that.

Any way, she was constantly asking me what to do. Lord knows I didn't have any idea what to do when I was in the same situation. I acted quickly and just ripped the band-aid off. My decision allowed for me to suffer as well and I wasn't let off easy in my solution it by any means.

I tried to point out different things she should take into account while making her decision, as there were a number of options to take. But I couldn't confidently tell her what to do. No matter what kind of advice I tell anyone I don't like to flat out tell them what to do. As a friend the most I can do or like to do is be there for them and help evaluate every aspect of the situation so it's been well thought out. Even if it's not what they want to hear.

It just got me thinking like gurrrlll, I am the definition of a mess already. Every way you can interpret the term mess, that's me. I should not be giving anyone any advice. I emotionally don't have my shit together. I don't know what I want, ever. And I make some of the most irrational, hardly thought out, terrible decisions on a daily basis. That's just the reality of my life. I've learned to accept it and try to tell myself, I'm learning.

That's one of the last things I said to my friend, I told her don't beat yourself up for it. We all fuck up in many different ways. But I can promiseeeee you, you will learn from this and because you're feeling this way it will only teach you something in the future.

Staple this on my forehead

“a man that doesn’t recognise that he has made a mistake, is one you need to steer clear of.”

“There’s so much more to life than finding someone who will want you, or being sad over someone who doesn’t. There’s a lot of wonderful time to be spent discovering yourself without hoping someone will fall in love with you along the way, and it doesn’t need to be painful or empty. You need to fill yourself up with love. Not anyone else. Become a whole being on your own. Go on adventures, fall asleep in the woods with friends, wander around the city at night, sit in a coffee shop on your own, write on bathroom stalls, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others, smile a lot. Do all things with love, but don’t romanticize life like you can’t survive without it. Live for yourself and be happy on your own. It isn’t any less beautiful, I promise.”

— Emery Allen

First of all, let it be known here and now that I did love you. I was only ever cold to you that one time because I cared too much. I didn’t know how I was supposed to act when you heightened such a keen sense of passion in me. I could never think normally when I was around you. Some say that infatuation is different from love but what I felt for you bordered in between. I loved you despite your faults but I also crushed on you like you were the best thing since coffee. You woke me up. You did wake me up.

Thought Catalog | To That Person I Fell In Love With When the Timing Was Just Not Right

R.I.P

He was legitimately one of my favourites, not in a bandwagonny sad cause he's gone type of way. I always said it and people didn't understand why. He was troubled with addiction but unbelievably talented.
R.I.P Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

Life as of February 3rd

I don't know why I feel like so much is happening right now, and I've been so slow in writing about it. Honestly it's probably not even as much as it feels like. I spoke to my ex. my best friends scolded me for it. But I don't blame them. I mean it didn't go terribly or anything it went fine. They just think I shouldn't have, even though that little incident happened and I feel I had to make sure it didn't look like I was being rude/dry. Cause I'm such a mess I had to make sure of this, that's why. So I did and it was fine. There's not much else to say about that.

I was really confused about this one person I'm really into, and we finally had a conversation about everything.. I don't know if I want to go into details about it. But he's not ready to put effort after really considering the distance between us and enduring two other long distance relationships and that's fine. We're still into each other, it's just not going to work right now. And that's okay. It's only frustrating because I'm ready to try and put the effort and the other person isn't, that's the frustrating part. Timing is everything. And that we live a significant amount of time apart from each other is so out of our hands, that that's determining it going anywhere.  But it's cool, we'll remain friends.

What else, I'm on a schedule now for 88magazine.com so you will be seeing a post from me up there four times a week. At first looking at it. It seemed kind of crazy looking at it at first. But I don't think my friend would ask it of us if he didn't think it was possible, they're also super understanding if we couldn't fulfil it. But I'm going to try my best. I really commend him on pushing me and putting me on certain days because, I want to write more and I need that. Everyone is on a schedule so not only I but several others will be frequently putting up content so check it out!

This Friday I'm headed to New York for the Arctic Monkeys with my guy friend who is up there with one of those folks who make me laugh a ton. So that should be fun. Hopefully we survive each other's company and just returning to Toronto together and in one piece.

That's everything I can think of.. That's worth mentioning.

Bahamas is coming up so soon. I've bought too many bathing suits for this trip not to be the best ever.

But you can’t let go of something until you understand what it is you’re letting go of.”

“Don’t hang out with people who don’t love you. Don’t try to impress people who aren’t worth it. Don’t try to win people over who aren’t worth it. Focus on yourself, and focus on the people who are really awesome and who love you. Don’t hang out with people who make you feel like shit. Don’t spend your energy on them. There is so much pressure to be part of the right thing: well, you should create the right thing. If you don’t see it, create it.”

— Beth Ditto

Morning time thoughts..

I dunno what I'm doing. I feel like an idiot right now. Not about my little story last night I told, I'm over that. I feel like an idiot wanting something to work out so badly and someone I can't have and shouldn't want. I feel like something must be hardwired in my brain to allow me to make decisions that just result in getting hurt, or being miserable. 

I posted don't ignore the red flags for a reason. But I'm always the type of person who doesn't listen and is recklessly fearless enough to keep going. I keep going and push the limit to the worst possible outcome. I haven't done that as of yet, but it's normally how it goes. Then I hate myself for it. It's a sick little cycle. 

I feel hopeless in a way. I feel disgusted that it happens so consistently. 

I can't let it get so terrible this time though. Not again. Noooope.