Dialogue

We're talking now. Just texting. God knows we've deleted and blocked each other off everything so that's a hassle. But I still won't be able to see any of that stuff. So I said, we will just leave it at texting and that's it. That is where we will start. We decided that would be our deal. And even though we can't talk about the situation. That's what I'm going to call it. A situation, I'm just trying to block it out. And imagine some alternate scenario that I've made up in my head, where that's not going on. It helps.

I'm already, happier. We're homies. That's what we are. Besides all the the complicated stuff, we're homies. He said he was sure we'd talk again, but I wasn't. Why wasn't I sure? I don't even know. It felt like he was pushing me farther than I was ready for him to get and that scared me. I was scared, he wasnt't going to come back. My preparation and decision to step away was very half-assed to begin with, and then it was reassured from anger. And that wasn't healthy for me to handle. I don't even do well with grudges. So who was I kidding, going months mad at the guy.

We'll get through it. We're always gonna be homies.

“In this moment, you don’t need all the answers. They will come to you in time, or not, or maybe the unnecessary questions will fall away.”

- Jeff Foster

"I think that anybody who's anti-selfie is really just a hater. Because, truthfully, why shouldn't people take pictures of themselves? When I'm on Instagram and I see that somebody took a picture of themselves, I'm like, 'Thank you.' I don't need to see a picture of the sky, the trees, plants. There's only one you... There's all this bullshit about 'the younger kids today are more self-absorbed.' It's like, give me a fucking break! I've been in nursing homes, where my grandma is. I've seen some of the most selfish people on the planet in there... And the world that these kids are born into literally could not get more selfish. The world is so fucked-up and unequal and full of assholes. You can't blame it on the younger generation."

--Vampire Weekend frontman Ezra Koenig defends the youth's Right to Selfie. (via Rolling Stone)

Walking away is so hard.. I'd just rather not do it.

15  moments that tell you it's time to walk away

4. When you’re about to lose your temper with someone who doesn’t deserve to be receiving the brunt end of your anger when their actions really just ignited something deeper.

6. When you’re about to do something seemingly necessary but entirely unfair to someone with whom your relationship is more important than expressing dissatisfaction in such a way.

14. When you’re an option, not a priority.

15. When you’re more in love with the idea of someone than you are with them.

Just a few awesome ones I could be reminded of sometimes..

Like fuckk, I'm trying!

I just sent a massive text message I don't even think he'll read and I apologized. That's a big fucking deal considering I was having none of that a week ago. NONE. But I'm trying really hard to fix what I'm dealing with. I have no idea what the end result will be at all. We could literally be done with having each other in our lives. That would be the worst case scenario. But it's a possibility, or everything could go back to the way it was as friends. I just know that I've never wanted to try this hard for anyone before. I mean I've never been proactive. I always just chill. But look at me now all grown up, I'm taking action. Like someone give me a gold star cause shit is being done!

Anyway, I swallowed my pride and genuinely apologized. Because I truly feel bad at this point, specially that it pushed him this far away. When he took space from me. I was right there waiting. When he left the room, I sat there. And I waited, patiently. The case right now, this boy has left the mother fucking building. The city. Now I'm here trying to find the guy and he's gone. That is the best picture I can paint for you all. I'm pretty proud of that description because it's so accurate. He's gone, and I feel lost.

Well, all I can do is wait. I guess. There is a 99% chance that he's blocked my number, because imessage can do that now (curse you apple!). So I could be waiting for nothing.

But I tried. I can't say I never tried. It was the most impulsive decision. But I feel better doing it. It's my first step to feeling normal again.

Just had a cry session

How am I not supposed to question my decision when it hurts me this much? How am I supposed to stand by how I feel about this if it's literally killing me? And then it kills me even more when I think about why I got upset in the first place.

I feel so emotionally exhausted. Every time there's something that's eating at me. All the time. As soon as one thing is over. This happens and now I'm incredibly miserable and sad all over again. I feel like a part of me is missing. Like I can't be entirely myself if I don't have this person to bounce off when I need to. Is that weird? I know I miss him, but it's like a serious missing, like I feel as I carry out my day something is just incomplete. Like something is out of place. That's a constant feeling I have and it's painful. It never goes away, ever.

It's probably because this isn't supposed to be like this. We work. Something that makes me this mad shouldn't stop us from getting along or cause me to want to ring your neck so bad. But it does. It does a lot. And I don't know how to deal with that. I don't think I should be at fault or suffering because I don't know how to handle this. How the fuck am I supposed to handle it? Of course I'm fucking rattled. Every one of my girl friends would be. I put up with her for the sake of our relationship. I became "friends" with her because I would see her around because we were together and she was your friend. So I wanted to be civil. I bent over backwards to be nice to a girl I had a problem with and who had a problem with me. Do you not understand. Because of you I was forced to even be friends with her. I didn't even want to be. Ever. And now you want to start seeing this person. Are you being fucking shady? Or are you being fucking shady?

I'm not the psycho one here. Like I went psycho on you, but my feelings aren't. Of course I'm fucking rattled. Of course I still care about you. Of course I don't want her of all people, of all people on the planet to have you. Why couldn't it be someone I don't even know. That's totally new. Like before. No, this time you had to take the lowest, absolute lowest blow. 

ugh, like what the actual fuck bro.


Sommetimes I write like I think you're going to read it. Even though I'm convinced you don't give two shits about me any more. 

This quote just killed it.

“I was told that time would heal all wounds. But, what exactly do you do on days when it feels like the hands on your clock have arthritis?”

— Rudy Francisco

Gushy, cheesy, extravagant just give me all of it.

This is a 27 minute video, of a man who planned the most extravagant well thought out cute and funny proposal I've ever seen. Now my opinion of this is incredibly bias because I want all of this. To me, this is the best proposal I've ever watched, this girl is the luckiest on the planet and it raised my standards to new heights. My friends on the other hand thought he was a wiener and this was lame.

Which made me realize what I expect compared to my other close girlfriends. They didn't convince me to think otherwise, which I pride myself on. If I have an opinion or I like something I'll never change my stance just because I'm the only one with it. But anyway, I realized that I want my future fiancée, husband, boyfriend whatever to put all of this effort. Maybe not exactly like he did in this video but, the gushy-ness that makes my friends want to throw up that's what I want. It's just what I need. I mean I'm all for the sentimental part. Since at the end he does give an adorable speech. (which my friend called long-winded.. she's on crack) And the tone was brought down and it was just so romantic and I loved every second of it.

I feel like I just want to see that kind of effort. Like shoot me, if I'm talking like a shit ton of effort but sorry! He needs to just fucking do it. I don't think it's wrong that I need to physically see it with my eyes how much he's put in the proposal. I don't think I'm wrong for expecting him to do his absolute ultimate best to lead up to asking the big question. Me wanting this or this being something that would make me so stupid happy, or feel so stupid special is just a part of who I am. And the future person who's blessed with the opportunity to propose to me will accept that, and live up to pleasing me.

Anyway, watch the video cause it's awesome and determine for yourself. They're a beautiful couple. It's cheesy but I love it.

"We push ourselves because we have to, not because we like it
the relentless climb, the pain and anguish of taking it to the next level
nobody takes pictures of that
nobody wants to remember
we just want to remember the view from the top
that’s what keeps up climbing
and it’s worth the pain
that’s the crazy part
it’s worth anything"

Evidence

Looking at my little blog archive over there to the right, I just realized the post amount difference at the top to the bottom. These last three months have clearly just been terrible for me. Look at those numbers compared to the lower months. Cause when I post a lot, we all know that's what that means.

On top of that, I just spend more time then ever at home.

Those number are evidence of both these things.

“Maybe not now, but maybe later we’ll fall back in place together." 

— Andrew Phan

If you want to take me, baby, please

Been holding on for eternity

Save you only for me

Missing you never led to much of anything

If you wanna know, if you wanna show me

What it means, what it seems, seems to be

Held by a thread,

Tried to forget

But I´ll never let it go



- HAIM: My Song 5 

What the fuck John Legend?

I finally listened to his latest album cause a friend posted made to love on facebook long long ago and it made my ears so happy. But now that I'm almost finished listening to the whole album (of course downloaded that deluxe edition). This is just not the album to listen to if you're trying to move on and/or forget about someone and/or not talk to someone you loved. Not at all.

Don't get my wrong, the music is glorious and his voice is angelic. But let's be serious, if you wan't an album that will absolutely not help you when you're in this situation, it's this damn album. It makes you reminisce like a mother fucker. Like common John, why you gotta do that?

I mean if I wasn't in an extra sad, confused, weird, lonely mood I would totally love this because I haven't found a song yet that I would want to skip. They're all pretty awesome. But I'm on the second last track now and I'm going to have to put this shit away for a while after it's done until I hit another, happier more positive point in my life. Cause I'm about to cry. Well not actually cry, but you know what I mean... No I lied I'm gonna cry.

Don't let anybody tell you what you feel is wrong

"And what’s more is that though it’s hard because emotional pain is not quantifiable, nothing really is at the end of the day. There is only one thing that validates your feelings and that’s if you feel them. Your sexuality, your experiences, your love for someone despite it being one-sided, your opinions, your mistakes, your shame, your passion and whatever little bit of faith keeps you going is yours, it does not need to be valid to others because our lives are not for the consumption of others to pick and analyze. They’re for us to live."

- Brianna Wiest 

Throwback Thursday

This song was my favourite back in the day, by that I mean around 2006 when it came out. I'm not ashamed to say I played it non-stop. It's Thursday, so instead of a throwback photo like instagram compels everyone to share, I'm gonna leave one of my most nostalgic songs right here.  

My game is outta control

Oh stop it Taylor, just stop. With your super relatable lyrics..

People would say, "They're the lucky ones."

I used to know my place was a spot next to you,

Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat,

'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on.

Oh, a simple complication,

Miscommunications lead to fall-out.

So many things that I wish you knew,

So many walls that I can't break through.

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,

And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?

I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,

And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

How'd we end up this way?

See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy,

And you're doing your best to avoid me.

I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us,

How I was losing my mind when I saw you here,

But you held your pride like you should've held me.

Oh, I'm scared to see the ending,

Why are we pretending this is nothing?

I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how,

I've never heard silence quite this loud.

This is looking like a contest,

Of who can act like they care less,

But I liked it better when you were on my side.

The battle's in your hands now,

But I would lay my armor down

If you said you'd rather love than fight.

So many things that you wished I knew,

But the story of us might be ending soon.

“Opening your heart and being courageous and telling people that you care about them or like them or that you think they’re special only makes you a better, bigger, kinder, softer, more loving person and only attracts more love in your life.”

—	Amy Poehler

New honest genuine realisations and I saw him today (and almost puked)

I was talking to my friend just now, about everything again in depth. Because I didn't get a chance to.

Fun Terrible Fact: I saw him today. Well the back of him. Of course the second I saw I put my head down and started looking at my phone sending pointless texts. There was so many emotions happening at once. I almost threw up. Just projectile, on my phone. Thank god I didn't cause I was trying to go unnoticed and that would have for sure blew my cover.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. I realized there was so much more I want to tell him. So much more. Like I don't even think I can type this fast enough to get it all out. I think the reason that it bothers me so much that he's seeing her, is that I've always thought she was sketchy but besides that I think, I don't think she's good enough for him. That's it. I know her enough. I've been around for almost three years seeing her around. And I really don't think she's good enough. And this isn't me saying I'm good enough. This is me saying he deserves better. Bottom line. He's one of the most amazing people I've ever been able to have in my life. Amazing is such a general word. But by that I mean all around, in every category. And he is someone, I feel deserves the best.

It just makes me so frustrated because I know this comes off as selfish, it comes off like I don't care, or want him happy but it's the total opposite. Me being mad about this whole thing, stems from how much I do care about him and want him to be happy. The kid is was hands down is one of my best friends. If I missed him before this all happened. (which you can find me admitting if you search past posts) I sure as hell miss him now. And I want the best for someone who means this much to me. I let him go. It was a stupid. But for what? For someone who in no way shape or form deserves to have him. She's not good enough. NOOPE.

I would love to tell all these things to him. My friend says I should, she doesn't believe in us not talking. But I feel like it will build another argument and he still won't get it. I wish I got to add this in when we were first discussing. But now I feel like it's too late.

I'm being so stubborn. I don't care though cause screw them both. But what am I hoping will happen after the silent treatment to one another? That one day I'll be okay with the whole thing and starting talking to him again. I highly highly highly doubt that I'm ever going to be okay with this. The last thing he said to me "I hope this break gives you what you want" (I interpreted that as rude and insincere but anyway). Now I'm thinking like what the fuck do I want?
I want them to stop fucking seeing each other. So if that's not going to happen then..

Should I start coming terms with us just never talking again? I dunno.

It's only Wednesday. Shit went down on Saturday. I'm already going insane. I've lost one of my best friends. I can't see myself hitting my breaking point though, because every time. Every single time. I think about contacting him. I think about the two of them. Then I can't do it.

So the ranting continues...

This is why I do this, every single day.

An excerpt from:
Why You Need To Write

Even when you believe that you have no story to tell, peel apart the fleshy pink undersides of your brain and untangle the red-and-blue vines that wrap around your heart until you find the words you thought had escaped you.

Purchase notebooks, pens, and pencils. But don’t purchase erasers. Erasing your thoughts forces them into oblivion. It reduces them into only bits of rubber on a wide, naked expanse that you could have used to flesh them out into breathing, crying, laughing characters and stomach-tossing, chest-pounding stories.

Don’t you see how using erasers is tragic?

Instead, leave your imperfect thoughts on the page. Scratch through them — carefully, so that you don’t obscure them. Cultivate these infertile words. Use them. Fallow them. Watch different — greener, stronger — thoughts sprout from what you would have laid to waste.

Let writers who came before you hand you the bricks and mortar you will need to construct your own style.

Realize that they — like me, like you, like anyone has ever stared hopelessly at a blank sheet of paper — have experienced moments of silence. They have doubted their skill, questioned their passion, and wondered if this was really what they knew how to do.

Understand what they understood: writing, like any art, requires the willingness to split yourself open and shake the stories from your bones, snatch the words that rest in your marrow.

So, write. Fill empty spaces with pregnant phrases, clauses, fragments — thoughts half-formed or fully developed — until your wrist aches and your eyes blur.

Try. Try over and over and over again. Fail. Succeed. Write garbage. Write gold.

But, just write.

"We learn that when we have strong opinions, we’ll be called bitches and that if we get angry, we’ll be called hysterical. When we say what we want, we’re called pushy or aggressive.

Part of learning “ladylike” behaviour is about learning to smile politely when someone is being crude. Men fight, women giggle and fume silently.” 

— Women And Girls Don’t Need To Be Told To Be Nicer | xoJane (via brute-reason)

Alone on my four hour break, so the posts keep coming

So today me and my brother were on our way to school, he was driving and there was a women named Ashley Graham on the radio who is a "plus size" model. She prefers to be called curvy, but that's besides the point right now. Oh, by the way she's a smoke show.

Anyway, she explained that she is 5 foot 9, size 14 , 190 pounds and that she wants to advocate that women can love their cellulite and curves and what not and be happy with their body. That the photos we see in magazines, even of herself are edited and altered so ridiculously. So women shouldn't hold that up as any standard.

My brother chimes in and says I don't know how I feel about that. That sounds a bit like lazy talk to me. Now, something to remember is that, my brother is a personal trainer, and big into fitness and all that stuff. So in his mind, he knows it's possible to look the way you want to. He tells his clients that, he did it. His job revolves around being proactive. So for him to hear someone say, just love yourself the way you are, just doesn't sit well with him.

It made me wonder and realize that although his mindset is a bit harsh, and god knows his daughter is going to have to deal with that -- it makes sense. He's  thinking logically. It's easier to have to go into the psychological part in making yourself be happy about your body when you can just make your body look how you want it to. He's a walking Nike ad saying "just do it".

I just feel like people besides my brother need to advocate that more too. We agreed obesity is a real thing, being so unhealthy your life is in jeopardy is a real thing. And I feel like this whole love yourself no matter what, is super circumstantial and can't necessarily apply to everyone. In that sense, I feel like it can get pretty dangerous.

I'm all for a curvy girl. But above all, I'm all for a healthy girl too.

Side Note: anyone who knows me, knows I absolutely hate motivational songs too. I don't even know why. I think I hate that they tell everyone to love themselves, that everyone is awesome, we're all perfect. When in actuality I hate pretty much everyone. So maybe I'm cold and I just don't want singers telling people that shit.

So moral of the story, me and my brother clearly enjoy shooting down those trying to do good for others.

Which is funny because our sister is a motivational speaker.

Easier said than done, but I completely agree.

An excerpt from:
No Sex Before the Fifth Date! And Other Lies We Tell Ourselves

Some people have selective hearing; I’m convinced women have selective sight when it comes to men. Because the sweet, considerate, worthy men are out there. They are asking us on dates and nervously drafting texts to send us and worshiping us for the goddesses we are; however, we dismiss them. They bore us because they don’t present us with a challenge. Instead, we focus our attention on the projects. The “bad boys”. The ones with complicated pasts and identity issues and stained t-shirts. Why? Because we’re convinced we can fix them: the recipe for disaster.

We feel so accomplished when these guys choose to pay us attention. It’s a truth that has stood the test of time. We want what we can’t have. More importantly, we want what we shouldn’t have.

So herein lies the problem. We are putting our self-worth into the hands of these sorry, undeserving guys, and hoping to feel better about ourselves. No matter how confident, independent, and beautiful we might feel and act, we are insecure beings. I don’t know why. And I can’t speak for every woman. But from my experience, we all have this innate vulnerability that manifests itself as insecurity. And being with men and having sex with them, even if it’s fleeting, it’s a confidence boost. We crave the high we get when a guy calls us beautiful or wants to be with us. Even though most of the time it’s only to have sex, that’s fine, because the sex is the ultimate confidence boost. We feel so wanted and alive. We feel sure of ourselves. But then the crash starts. Because that guy, he’s going to stop calling. He’s not interested in what we have to say or how smart we are or what our worldview is. He said all those things to get us naked. And it worked. And his job is done and he can move on the next one.

But see women work in the opposite way. We are unfeeling at first. Welcoming a one night stand with no strings attached: wham bam thank you ma’am. We are independent women and we can use men just like they use us. But as soon as the sex is over, my theory is that it happens right after climax, it begins to fall apart. The confidence subsides and we begin to feel vulnerable, used, discarded. We ache to feel the way we did before the sex: powerful and in charge. But we don’t recognize this ache as a symptom of withdrawal. So we crave this person, this body, desperately reaching for them to give us back that feeling. Mere moments before we were as intertwined as two human bodies can physically be, but are now left feeling completely disconnected and alone as we lie inches apart willing them to reach out and kiss our cheek or brush the hair out of our eyes; any amount of physical validation to halt this impending wave of emptiness.

So I’d like to instate a new rule. Let’s pay attention to ourselves! Embrace our beauty, embrace each other’s beauty; and not only our physical beauty, but also embrace our undeniable emotional and mental beauty, as well. Applaud our ability to not only sexually stimulate, but also intellectually stimulate. We need to stop comparing ourselves to one another and instead start encouraging and supporting each other. Why are we relying on these men, these outsiders, to tell us things we already know? We’re all fuckin’ rock stars, we don’t need some guy with tattoos and cigarette breath to remind us. We don’t need a half-assed attempt at romance or a scrawny arm around our waist to know our worth. We need each other.

- Lauren Ellman


I loved the way this was written. She captured so well how true all of this is.