Youtube is life

I have such amazing friends! My friend helped me with this extra credit project and there was so much we planned to do with it but she switched things up and cut things out and I wasn't sure what the final video would look like. But it turned out beautiful.

Going to the Buffer Festival was a pretty big deal, and I would have had literally no one else to go with if this girl didn't come with me. I actually don't have any other friends who watch youtube or understand it's community as much as I do. To be honest, my friends understand it and know more than me and I love it. We can talk about it for hours. And watching youtube is such a private thing, it's just awesome to be able to talk about it with other people, as well have someone to go with to meet them.

It's so inspiring seeing all those creative people share what they've created and be so incredibly entertained by it, daily. It's hard not to grow attached to these people who genuinely just enjoy doing what they love. I don't know when it happened, probably in the last few years but youtube has become a stupidly big part of my everyday life.

“i keep
writing and erasing.
typing and backspacing
all of the things you will never get to hear me say.”

“You deserve happiness. So I left.”

“Loneliness is designed to help you discover who you are…and to stop looking outside yourself for your worth.”

— Mandy Hale

“There is love in holding and there is love in letting go.”

—	Elizabeth Berg, The Year of Pleasures

THANK YOU

Second mutual friend, who totally gets it and fully understands why I was so rattled. Your support is greatly appreciated.

My life, always

“I wish more people cared about the earth as much as they cared about who they believed created it.”

"Sometimes you can't limit exposure, sometimes the injury is so bad. You have to cut, and cut big."

Spicing things up with a video.

Sarah Kay & Phil Kaye "When Love Arrives"
" Maybe love is not ready for you, maybe you are not ready for love.. Maybe love stays, maybe love can't. Maybe love shouldn't. Love arrives exactly when it is supposed to and love leaves exactly when love must. "

I was shown this today, these two have a pretty cool story. But I really enjoyed this for some reason.
This is a game changer here, first time sharing a video! I'll try to do this more often. Spice things up.

Every single time

"I realized you weren’t there any more, and every time, every single time, it was like having the wind knocked out of me"

It's only been about three days. And I come across at least like ten things a day I would want to tell you. Things that would only make sense telling you, that I would have no one else to talk about with or laugh about it with. I've thought about writing them all down. To keep track. Then I get lazy and convince myself I'll remember them. Lord knows I won't.

Longdistance anything

I actually haven't written about this person yet. He got a one line mention down below actually. But I feel like a person isn't real until I've written about them. Or at least they're nothing to be taken seriously if I haven't. I don't know why I've waited so long this time though cause he's been around for a while. Maybe I'm not trying to get into my old habit of being too eager, and anxious. Maybe I'm still scared to even let myself open up to this person or about this person on here cause that's a sign I've not only got feelings growing but of vulnerability, and weakness. And considering the whole world seems to be on this tag team of hurting me. I'm in no rush to land myself in a situation where those to two things happen.

It's different than anything else I've had to deal with before though. Which is why I chose to mention it now. This is someone I have to wait weeks to see. Who's living in a city, that's a three hour bus ride away. (cause who has their own car though?) I'm not saying it's hard yet, cause we aren't really actually anything. Considering we're always so far away, we text. We text, a lot. And it's different.

I almost saw him today but plans didn't work out. Minus the glimpse of hope I might have seen him today, I'm currently in the middle of waiting like several weeks to see the kid. Our plans today were pretty last minute and set up last night, but because I haven't see him in so long, I still got excited because the waiting is just plain terrible.

Like texting is all awesome. But I feel like we've been texting forever. That's all we do. (I hate talking on the phone and who has time for that) Like what is this. How did I end up in this situation of a long distance anything. I've done a wonderful job of avoiding it so far in life but the luck ran out. And the thing is, it's someone I legitimately want to give a chance too. So I can't even write it off. I'm genuinely curious on what could happen here.

gagging

Just updated my sister on the whole situation. Almost started gagging. It went from a split second of sadness, to furious, now today I'm just disgusted. By them both. After I said it all out loud to my sister, I just realized they both gross me out now. Like ew. At first it was just of her but now, when I think about it, that fact that he's even going there. Yeah no, the both of them.
Not even with a 10foot pole would I touch.

She also agreed with me on everything. Which makes me feel even more right because she's the first person to tell me I'm wrong and shoot me down. Also agreed that this girl's not cute. Thankkk. Youu.

This G has my back!

People will act offended and appalled

“It is okay to want your own happiness. It’s okay to care about yourself the most. You are not obligated to sit there and smile and swallow every bit of shit everyone heaps on you. You are more than furniture, you’re more than window dressing, you’re not their shiny toy. You’re human, and you have the right to say “That was shitty of you”. You have a right to protest your own mistreatment and set boundaries for respectful interactions. The rest of the world doesn’t realize you have this right, and they will act offended and appalled when you exercise it, but it is yours.”

I was specifically looking for this quote today deep on my tumblr. To post on fb obviously. Because it's so relevant and I agree with it a ton. I saw it long ago, but for some reason I have this quote library in my brain of the ones that are important and really speak to me and how I feel. So I remembered this one and I'm so happy I found it. Too bad someone who acted hella offended recently isn't even my facebook friend to see it. That's my fault though, so I'm not complaining. 
I've been dealing with situations this way for a long time now though, not only in recently but dealing with number of other people in the last several months and I feel like everyone should be exercising this right. Who the hell is biting their tongue, for what? My happiness, trumps all. But I also feel like if I say more people need to make this happen more often, in turn others also need to grow thicker skin and understand what's being said to them. 

The end to my ridiculous weekend.

What is it with ex's this past weekend!? My best friend's ex decides to text her out of the blue cause they never talk any more and start spewing out all this weird shit about being resolving their issues, and how he just broke up with his ex. In the end they decided they would try and be cool but like the way he approached it from the start we both agreed was kinda rude and disrespectful. I literally don't understand how the male species brain functions. It doesn't function. Lets just go with that instead.

I also went to my first poetry slam yesterday. It was amazing. I've never taken a liking to poetry, like I like watching it. And I read, a little bit. But I've never been interested in ever writing it. That hasn't change but the whole thing still fascinates me so much, being someone who enjoys writing. Seeing spoken word in real life, it's literally like the way they perform it, brings the words soo much life. It sounds like maybe a little cheesy but it's true. It's completely different, reading poetry or even watching it in a video, then seeing it spoken in a nice cozy little bar performed and I loved it. I would never be able to judge them because that they even go up there, there is already mad mad respect.

The judges are audience members which is something I don't like because they dont necessarily know what makes a good poem. They are just judging by how entertained they are. Which is hard to determine because the topicss vary so much. I just personally would like to be judged by poets who are way better than me. Not random people.

BYEEEEEEEEE.

You just texted me. But like, I feel like I still want to punch you. Straight in the face. Do you think you're right in what that text said. After me being upset, even though you don't fully understand it.. You're gonna come at me and say, seeing her is what makes you happy, and that you're gonna live your life the way you want. Kay well that's awesome go away then. Cause I don't wanna hear or see or know anything more about you and how this fucking bitch makes you happy. Her face makes me wanna puke now.. Not sorry.

It makes me more mad and upset that you can't just be mature and understanding of why I'm upset. Even if you don't agree with it. Because that's what a friend and grown ass man would do. But you're gonna give a half ass attempt at that last message, throw jabs and after say oh, but I still wanna be your friend? Making me look like the bad guy because I want my space and need to delete you and cut ties with our friendship. I'm not the bad guy here. I've been nothing but honest with you from day one.

What are you even trying to say? I feel like I'm being sincere and genuine and admitting my fault in why I'm this upset. And he's trying to shove it in my face and justify why I have no reason to be upset. Am I supposed to bite my tongue and tell you congratulations? That I'm so fucking stoked the last person on the planet I would have ever been okay with you seeing is the girl you're talking to? Am I supposed to throw you a fucking party?

Like BYEEEEEEEE.

On a side note, and mutual friend sent me the sweetest inbox message on facebook. If you see this I started watching the movie, and I really appreciated you reaching out like that. She understood where I was coming from, which I only think girls are getting, and sympathises with the fact that dealing with ex's is just plain terrible.

When you give someone your whole heart and he doesn’t want it, you cannot take it back. It’s gone forever.

-- Sylvia Plath

If you expect nothing from anybody, you’re never disappointed.

-- Sylvia Plath

I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.

-- Sylvia Plath

Can you understand? Someone, somewhere, can you understand me a little, love me a little? For all my despair, for all my ideals, for all that – I love life. But it is hard, and I have so much – so very much to learn.

-- Sylvia Plath  

True love right there

I woke up to this and it was so sweet. She's so right but I love her even more for reminding me. I was crying on the phone to her last night, and she wasn't having it, her first words were: "no, no, stop. you cannot. he's not even worth it." 

She da besttt. She looks at it not just that I'm crying I'm sad but always mostly that I'm crying and upset, over him.

Fact: anyone who does anything to result in me doing that, wasn't even worth it in the first place. 

Deleted

Unfriended off facebook and unfollowed on instagram. I didnt even unfriend the other one off facebook so this is a big deal. I need my space. So I'm giving myself a ton of space. Clearly he doesn't give a shit.

But like bitches be crazy...

But my best friends are the best things to come into my life since poutines and sushi. They are so on the ball with being there for me I love them so much.

Anyways, turns out he is seeing her. And I snapped. like a couple notches more than I should have. Like on a scale of one to ten without useing caps lock, I was a solid 12. I don't regret it for a second. I'm not holding back anymore. I'm over that life, of holding in what I really want to say because I'll come off as a bitch. I don't give a shit anymore. I have reasoning for the way I feel and I will rip you a new one if I see fit.

Back to the point. I snapped. I was fuming. I mean there are so many details I could get into right now, as for what he said what I said blah blah. Either way, I wanna punch him. I don't wanna see her face ever again.
What else, clearly I can't handle being his friend cause I still care. He's acting like he doesn't care. Which made me more upset. But I know him. And I know he cares. So it's whatever.

Bottom line none of it is okay. My girlfriends know it. They agree with me. I need space. I need to relax. Somehow.  Probably going to watch greys anatomy..


another boy that needs to be un-friended and unfollowed. AGAIN. I don't want to see anything, I don't want to know anything. The fact that I HAVE to go through all of this, makes me hate living in 2013. Why can't I just continue my life with ease. No. Instead I gotta coach myself into clicking these two buttons to cut ties.

I'm thinking more now

I've started to wonder why it would even make me so bothered. My friend right now is totally 1000% DISagreeing with me. And I'm not getting mad or frustrated with him, we're just having a healthy debate. But I'm starting to wonder why it would get to me so much.

And yeah I admit, it's because I still miss him a lot. Everyday I miss that kid. I saw my entire future with him in it. For three years straight. I begged for him back when I let him go. And he said he wanted to be single. I'm not a criminal for trying to move on or seeing other people. But he is, for saying he wants to be single and then dating the last person on the planet I would ever be okay with him dating.

There I said it. That is what I also have a problem with.

Anyway. I can't handle this. I'm not equip to deal with ex situations like this. I don't know what to do.