madness, and murder.

So I think something might be going on between someone pretty important in my life, and someone else it took me a long time to be cool with..  Like a long time. If this is the case. I've already decided I'm not talking to either of them. I already don't really talk to her. But I will one hundred-thousand percent not be speaking to him.

It all stems from the fact that I know they hung out together.....

The thing that my guy friends aren't grasping is that, it's her. This isn't some random sally off the street. This is someone I had issues with for a long time. Even after the main issue passed and was no longer relevant, issues were still there. So if anything is happening I truly feel like I should know. My girlfriends get it. Because if they do end up dating and I had no idea it was coming, I would FFFFFFUCKing kill someone. I mean I'd want to kill someone regardless, but I would actually kill someone if I didn't know. But if I found out now, I would cut them both off and be done with it, and not have to see it. Hear about it. Deal with it. And she would be aware like: are you fucking dumb, no I would never be cool with you ever again.

He can do whatever he wants. That's not the issue, it's not why I'm bothered, or mad. It's that it's her. And it would be incredibly shady of her. And it would shatter my friendship with him. Completely shatter it.

But whatever, no one wants to tell me the truth right now. And all these people that don't are going to be the ones I plan to murder if the time comes.

.

Like are you shitting me. I'd rather you date that other weird looking girl you were talking to before! What is this madness. 

I'm over it

Over it. Done. I mean I would appreciate it if the next girl he saw was a fucking bombshell because then I would be like okay duh. But it's not in this case. And that's okay cause, it just makes me realize that I'm way too good for him.. I need my ego to be at a ten for a while, so I can coast through this, so bare with me people.

Sometimes I scroll down my tumblr, and I'm just like ugh, I love it so much. I'm so proud of it. I'm proud of my blog too. But I don't express myself in images, or every single quote here. So if you want to know who I am even more that's the another great place to do it.

Breaking News

I unfollowed and blocked him off instagram and gave a blocking from my news-feed on facebook. Finally, I was ready to do it.

I was telling my friend just now, which I didn't really realize or say out loud till I spoke to her. I thought I could handle it. I thought I could handle us being cool. But I wasn't handling it. Every time we rarely spoke I was being hopeful and sucking up being in the friendzone the whole time. And that just wasn't healthy.

I've let go of that. My sanity and emotional stability is so so much more important.

Panic attack from start to finish.

I went to sushi. And I ate a lot. I was feeling a little on the sick side. But now that I saw him post a photo of another girl, with a caption calling her cute on instagram. I literally started hyperventilating. Like I was starting to be into this other guy I`ve been getting to know and he`s been awesomely distracting. But seeing him move on, like even though I know he had. Seeing actual evidence of it. Literally made me feel sick enough to throw up.

I already ate way too much and I started to gag. Everything about it makes me sick. My jealousy, my anger, the feelings I have, that I ate so much god damn sushi. I just want to drown everything out right now.

I almost started to cry, but I literally didn`t any more tears. It was weird. I felt the urge too. And nothing.

Anyway, I guess any assumptions I had before are all settled. I need to unfollow him on instagram and remove him from my news-feed. I need to. I really really really need to. Because seeing more of it is just going to rip me apart each and every time.

Wow. And how convenient is that I come across this perfect thought catalog article titled 15 Things You Realize When You Lose Love Again. Not that I lost love, cause I'm not calling it love, but I bring it up because some of the ones on this list are so relevant and helping me relax.

3. That you actually don’t want to settle for love you’re uncertain about or someone who doesn’t want you, no matter how much it would be comforting to be back in their arms.

4. That love never means what you think it does at the end of the day. The concept of it, and the way you understand it, is always evolving.

8. The unmatched healing power of friends who actually want to listen to you analyze the situation for the thousandth time, and who will sit down and say, “Remember when you felt this way about so-and-so? I do. Eventually you’ll feel the same way about this one too.”
10. What you deserve. There are few things more empowering than walking away from a relationship knowing you inherently deserve more.

13. That it’s not pathetic to want to be loved, but the process of getting to a place where you feel that way often feels like nothing but.

14. The importance of a great counselor who knows your story, and not necessarily a professional one, just some wise person in your life who always seem to know what direction you need to be led in.

15. That romantic love isn’t the most important thing there is, and that happiness is not the product of what someone gives you, but that which you take for yourself.

I'm okay now. I think I actually needed it. I think I was seeing what I wanted to see for a long time. And the truth was starting to be visible (specially from our short last conversation). But after that photo, it just make everything really clear. We can't be friends. I clearly can't be just friends with him. Or by now, it would be easier to stand back like this. What we had ran it's course and I need to remember how amazing I am. 

“You can ask the universe for all the signs you want, but ultimately, we see what we want to see when we’re ready to see it.”

David Bowie is.. Forever.

Today I went to the Art Gallery of Ontario for the David Bowie exhibit, it's been a long day and I want to sleep but I will get this out while I'm still in awe. It was absolutely one of the best things I think I've ever spent my money on. And it wasn't even a lot of money! I feel like they should have charged me more.

It was so incredible and way more than I would ever even thought it would be. There was so much detail, so many different components to experience so many different ways. I feel like my description isn't doing it justice. Me and my friend were there for two hours (which flew by!) and we STILL felt like that wasn't enough time! She had to go to class and we had to pick up the pace at the end. Even at the end the last couple rooms were mind blowing.. even at the friggin end.

He's so inspiring I couldn't take it. It made me feel so tiny on my scale of how I express myself. He does so much and he's outstanding in all of it. It made me feel tiny but it made me feel like I could be doing so much more. It explained his story, and you can see that we all have to start from somewhere. He was just lucky enough to drop out of school and dedicate every waking minute to it.

I was always a fan of David Bowie and respected him as an artist but I was never super familiar with his career or a ton of his music. That is something that's definitely changed after today. My respect and admiration is through the roof, and his older music which I need to get on looking up is beyond awesome.

I feel like everyone who has a love for music like me needs to go to this and be moved by the hard work, and creativity that has literally been oozing out of this man since he was a pre-teen.

“Say it before you run out of time. Say it before it’s too late. Say what you’re feeling. Waiting is a mistake.”

This is what I've been saying!

I'm in awe of her talent.. This is so good.

“I was 19 when I finally stopped opening the door for unrequited love.
I was 20 when I first learned that 
courage tasted like bitter wine and metal. Like blood and honey.
When I told you I loved you,
I screamed it. I felt it rip
it’s way out of my throat, and 
it felt so good that I cried.
The other day, you walked by me
with your friends and I could feel the pity in your stare.
Don’t you do that.
Don’t you look at what I had for you and call it weak.
Not when you were the one afraid of it.
I stood there with my hands open,
my mouth bruised tender with supplication.
Don’t you dare treat me like a victim of my own emotions, like being
moved to my knees by love
was a mistake that I regret.
I will go to my grave with the memory
of the bravery in my bones.
I am not ashamed of any of it.
Not the closed door in my face
or the static silence of my phone
for weeks after.
I was not afraid.
I am still not afraid.
I will never be afraid again.
Bring in the beasts with teeth
like tree branches.
Bring in all the men who will never love me.
Bring in the monsters with
faces carved out of stone. 
I am not afraid. 
They can eat me alive.
I am not afraid.
I will cut my way out of their bellies.
I am not afraid.
Never again.”

—	Unrequited | Caitlyn S.

Long way to go

I really want to try and get into the habit of trying my best to write everyday. Emphasis on try my best. Normally something only really comes at night. Only at night. Like when I'm trying to fall asleep and I'm too lazy to get up and write it down. But I've been doing good with remembering. Last two pieces I've written I submitted to a website. So we'll see how that goes. No details as of yet, just in case I hit disappointing news. But I'm hopefully. If anything I'll keep trying, no matter what.

They're two submissions that are pretty personal, one is personal but it's nothing super juicy or anything it's just what's been going on and how I've been dealing with it. That sounds like a terrible explanation but you'll have to wait and see. If they don't get published they're going straight up here. The next one is actually personal. It's about missing people. That was the most obvious description I could have given.

I don't want to be cocky, or get my hopes up. But some of the stuff I'm most proud of is the stuff that's extra personal. So having it shared would be amazing, it's just having the people I actually know seeing it. I don't know who checks this out, but there are a lot of people that don't so I feel like I have so much freedom and confidence to express every thought, in every inch of my mind. Because I don't think my friends and family are reading it. My point is, if I want to get my writing on the "big stage" of other websites, I'm going to have to open up. Which means sharing my excitement and how proud I am with those in my life means they're going to see that. I don't know if I'm necessarily scared for these moments, I try to be as vague as I can be so the people around me won't know who I'm talking about. But what if I'm asked questions? What if people clue in I'm talking about them? What if people thinking I'm whining or too emotional? What if people think I'm exaggerating? Or that it's crap and they can do way better? That last one is probably at the top of the list. Sometimes since I know I have such a long way to go I wonder if people will look at what I write and simply say who am I to call myself a writer, they can do better, anyone can do that. It's a terrible self-defeating thought. And I know if anyone, in my life at least does think that way -- they're cut. But I just want people to be inspired and relate to what I have to say. I want it to bring positivity. Ew. As cheesy as that sounds.

Anyway, cross your fingers for me. That this works out. If it doesn't I'll understand though. Competition is tough out there.

Everytime

“Don’t ever put your happiness in someone else’s hands. They’ll drop it. They’ll drop it everytime.”
— One For Sorrow

I can't see myself taking a real liking to this thing..

I kinda wanted to make a tweet just now. Which is an absolute first for me. But I got nothing. I'm so used to expressing myself longer I don't even know what to say. I feel like I'm not entertaining enough to shove an amusing or interesting thought into a tweet. I dunno, I know I don't need to take it so seriously, but I don't want to use this thing for saying pointlessness every second. I want to actually care about what I say, or at least put thought into it. But then that's left me, with 0 tweets so far.

Maybe because currently nothing is happening. I'm having a grandma night where I'm actually about to go to sleep soon and the last thing I wanted to share, I made a status on facebook about it (first trip to NYC will be to see the arctic monkeys at madison square garden! Craziness!). So I will just seem and feel repetitive. Honestly, the whole thing is just silly. Who cares. Who cares about my life. I'm basically forcing people to care. On all of these outlets. Now I'm starting to feel bad looking at it that way. I know I don't do it as excessively as most people though, those people shouldn't be able to sleep at night. Maybe I just don't care enough about the handful of people who follow me to share something with them. (considering it's mostly random accounts. I don't even know how they found me)

I'll think of something. Don't worry. Stay tuned.

“At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone or something; that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It’s not like you’re giving up, and it’s not like you shouldn’t try. It’s just that you have to draw the line between determination and desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.”

—

It was so so so good while it lasted...

The day has finally come. Where I have created a twitter. Dear god, what is happening. I'm going to make this as bearable as I possibly can for myself and follow the absolute necessary people. Because there are too many people posting too much bullshit on this website.

@paulajessreid
if any of you would like to be awesome and follow me and keep track of all the sass I'll be tweeting.

Essentially it's for the music magazine that I write for (88magazine.com) if I wasn't a part of this I wouldn't even make one.

Days are gone

I don't know what took me so long to download this album since it came out end of September, but Days are Gone by Haim is an absolute amazing piece of work. I'm so in awe of these girls. I can't handle it. Every track is so incredibly tight.

“Write something true. Write something frightening. Write something close to the bone. You are on this planet to tell the story of what you saw here. What you heard. What you felt. What you learned. Any effort spent in that pursuit cannot be wasted. Any way that you can tell that story more truly, more vividly, more you-ly, is the right way. So holler. Tell it loud and tell it bright and tell it slant and tell it bold. Tell it with space whales and silent films or tell it with quiet desperation or tell it with war or tell it with dragons or tell it with tall ships or tell it with divorce in the suburbs or tell it with dancing skeletons and a kraken in the wings. Tell it fast before you get scared and silence yourself. You’ll never wish you’d held back a little more.”

— Catherynne M. Valente

NaNoWriMo Pep Talk November 5, 2013

No one is that amazing

“If you have to speculate if someone loves you and wants to be with you, chances are they don’t. It’s not that complicated. Don’t waste moments waiting and wondering. Don’t throw away your time dreaming of someone that doesn’t want you. No one is that amazing, certainly not the one who would pass you up.”

—	Donna Lynn Hope

Before I say Hello

Have you ever missed someone, but you just literally want to punch them in the face?

Like you want to see them, and you'll be happy when and if you do but when it happens, the first thing you need to do is hit them. 

That's me right now. 

A Love Letter To The Boys Who Can’t Love Back
This was so relevant, it was from someone, who repeatedly gets rejected and humiliated and plays up emotions that aren't there. Which I admit to doing time and time again. But it couldn't have been expressed more perfectly. Every single part of it.

" Because there are only so many times you can get rejected before you start to realize that it isn’t the end of the world, regardless of how it might feel in the moment. Eventually, you understand that happiness and validation aren’t limited resources that you must siphon from everyone who shows you even brief attention, but rather something that you will have to enter into any relationship carrying a healthy supply of. "

"Although I know that you were perhaps colder to me than you should have been, our real problem was incompatibility. You wanted someone, you just didn’t want me, and that was the hardest thing to accept by far. But now that I understand it, I have gained a certain kind of sympathy for you. There’s something wonderful in knowing that I can stop torturing myself with questions of what I could have done differently, because my only mistake was being who I am. And you don’t know it, and you never will, but I am pretty great."

A Surprising, But Relaxing Thought

I can feel you slipping away. In my mind that is. Considering you're already gone. I can feel you becoming an after thought. Sometimes an after, after thought. Before you were at the forefront, always. It's a terrible thing to say, but you were. That was your spot for several months. About six if we're going to be exact. That's counting from the very beginning. Until now.

I told my friend you were worth it. I said that. It was the first time I've ever said something like that about you, and it made me question everything. Like are you? Is any of this? Why was I so fast to say that to explain myself. I'm still on the fence about it.

I'm not saying I've forgotten about everything, or that I'm over it yet. I still miss you, everyday. It's just, I was so set on fighting for you, if the time again. If the right amount of time passed and I still felt this way. But my point is, at this rate I feel like I'm not going to. I can't tell what will happen but that's what's been on my mind lately. It's sort of freeing in a way. I mean I was holding on for a reason, cause I couldn't let go of the idea that we could work. I knew we could work. I felt it. It was like I was trapped in thinking that. But having you cross my mind less. Reminds me how I probably don't cross your mind. It makes me feel like I'm finally catching up to the situation.


Either way, everything is going to work out fine.

“You matter as much as the things that matter to you. And I got so backwards trying to matter to him. All this time, there were real things to care about: real, good people who care about me, and this place. It’s so easy to get stuck. You just get caught in being something, being special or cool or whatever, to the point where you don’t even know why you need it; you just think you do.”

-- John Green

“I feel like my life is so scattered right now. Like it’s all the small pieces of paper and someone’s turned on the fan. But, talking to you makes me feel like the fan’s been turned off for a little bit. Like things could actually make sense. You completely unscatter me, and I appreciate that so much.”

- John Green 

I loved this

15 Rookie Mistakes People Make When They Start Dating

15. Giving too many fucks.

If it has been a while and they aren’t putting the effort forth to move the relationship forward, they’re probably just not that into you. Oh? What’s that you say? They still text you and ask to hang out every once in a while?? DOESN’T MATTER. Know why? Because people are fucked up. You’re just something to do until someone better comes along. If that’s the case, be smart enough to walk away. Life’s too short for douche canoes who mess with your head.

Best one. 

“If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don’t write, because our culture has no use for it. The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say.”

—

Anaïs Nin

I guess I'm a unicorn this halloween ?

I already did a halloween costume last week with two of my main homegirls. We did salt tequila and lime. I was salt. It was last minute but we spent the whole day before on it, and it turned out awesomely I'll insert a photo later. Any ways today is actual halloween and my costume is so far from my original idea it's crazy. Up until two days ago I was ready to just throw together a school girl costume. It would be easy, I'd look good, because obviously I'd make it as revealing as possible. Within my comfort level I mean. But then I was scrolling on tumblr, and I came across a gif of Blake Anderson on my dashboard. I was like I'm going to be Blake, it's happening. I texted my friend, she was like oh my god do it.

So point of the story is, my costume this evening is going to be a dude. A hilarious awesome dude, but a dude. It's funny, I was so close to being sucked into that whole idea that halloween is every girls opportunity to look as outrageously sexy as you possibly can, in some outfit you wouldn't normally wear. I'm not saying everyone does this but it's a popular mindset within society, within my generation. And with my salt, I sort of did that. (it was a tshirt turned into a dress) I mean I saw some costumes that were no where near what I had on. Like I'm talking two pieces of cloth. But I digress, my point is my costume isn't going to be flattering, it's not going to show off my shape, make my boobs look big, or my legs look great. And that's okay. I like the idea that I'm okay with not taking what people think of me so seriously. The only reason I'm making a point of this is because no matter where I go tonight, 99.9% of the girls are not going to be dressed like a guy and it's going to make me stand out.

Then it also made me think about an article I read of a male writer explaining that good girls are like unicorns. You can go read that if you want. It's interesting. That literally the only word I have for it, I don't want to say its amazing, or he's a genius. He contradicts himself and it makes it confusing to understand his point but for the most part I get it. It just made me think that what he's saying "all" girls are doing is no where near how I carry myself. Or my mindset. I know he's talking about the majority. But it made me realize how I think I carry myself, and the decisions I make in terms of how I present myself, or live a "yolo" type of deal (ew don't shoot me for saying that). It's different from many other girls. Like instagram, for example, the photos I would post compared to other people. How I dress. Uhm what else, my lifestyle in general, my sex life. All of that, that sort of makes up who I am. He's basically saying girls don't take pride in themselves anymore, and guys can't find anyone to settle down with.

Does this make me a unicorn? Cause me and other girls like me (my friends) exist, we're everywhere. It just doesn't make a difference. Cause I'm still single and guys are still dumb as fuck. The writer says that about guys too. So I'm not bitter, it's true!

I don't want to hold myself up above anyone else, like I'm better than other girls for not feeling like I have to dress a that way, act a certain way, or work to attract a certain type of attention. That's not even it. Because well honestly, I don't care about other girls..

I've just never felt so confident in who I am than I do now. Despite rejection, and despite not being reassured on a daily basis. I know who I am, I know who my friends are. I'm just saying, it's made me realize new things about who I am. That I can laugh at myself, I can do what I want for myself and feel comfortable doing it. Even if it's different than what I see other people doing around me all the time.


(Honestly, if anyone sees me on a daily basis anyway, they would know that I dress like a teenage boy on most days. So this costume is like the closest thing to my comfort zone. )

You need to go after the things you want

One of the most best articles I've probably ever read on though catalog. In terms of speaking to me, and my personal issues. 

Is right here Go read it. 
It's about going after what you want, and not being afraid of being vulnerable and honest, and raw and full of emotion. It's amazingly done, and exactly how I've been feeling. 
To top is all off. It's by one of my favourite writers on the website. Ryan O'Connell. One day I'm going to have the guts to email him and speak to him, cause I love his work so much. 
Anyway I'll give you a little taste if you're not convinced: 

"We need to move away from this constant need of coming across as calm, cool and collected. WE WEREN’T BUILT TO BE CALM, COOL, AND COLLECTED. If we were, it wouldn’t feel so fucking exhausting all the time. It would, you know, come naturally to us. You know what comes naturally to human beings though? Being open, being messy, being raw, being unfiltered, having lots of feelings. Why should we have to stifle our true nature? Let’s go after the things we want, let’s love each other brutally and honestly, and not worry about the consequences. Let’s release the feelings inside of us and let them land somewhere special. Otherwise, we might have a lifetime of longing in front of us. "

Go read the rest. It's crazy because I made a pretty major decision today. Not to do it today. But to work up to it. And then I come across this hours later. It was like literally a sign. I don't know if I believe if signs, but one has never been that obvious to me ever.