“Write something true. Write something frightening. Write something close to the bone. You are on this planet to tell the story of what you saw here. What you heard. What you felt. What you learned. Any effort spent in that pursuit cannot be wasted. Any way that you can tell that story more truly, more vividly, more you-ly, is the right way. So holler. Tell it loud and tell it bright and tell it slant and tell it bold. Tell it with space whales and silent films or tell it with quiet desperation or tell it with war or tell it with dragons or tell it with tall ships or tell it with divorce in the suburbs or tell it with dancing skeletons and a kraken in the wings. Tell it fast before you get scared and silence yourself. You’ll never wish you’d held back a little more.”

— Catherynne M. Valente

NaNoWriMo Pep Talk November 5, 2013

No one is that amazing

“If you have to speculate if someone loves you and wants to be with you, chances are they don’t. It’s not that complicated. Don’t waste moments waiting and wondering. Don’t throw away your time dreaming of someone that doesn’t want you. No one is that amazing, certainly not the one who would pass you up.”

—	Donna Lynn Hope

Before I say Hello

Have you ever missed someone, but you just literally want to punch them in the face?

Like you want to see them, and you'll be happy when and if you do but when it happens, the first thing you need to do is hit them. 

That's me right now. 

A Love Letter To The Boys Who Can’t Love Back
This was so relevant, it was from someone, who repeatedly gets rejected and humiliated and plays up emotions that aren't there. Which I admit to doing time and time again. But it couldn't have been expressed more perfectly. Every single part of it.

" Because there are only so many times you can get rejected before you start to realize that it isn’t the end of the world, regardless of how it might feel in the moment. Eventually, you understand that happiness and validation aren’t limited resources that you must siphon from everyone who shows you even brief attention, but rather something that you will have to enter into any relationship carrying a healthy supply of. "

"Although I know that you were perhaps colder to me than you should have been, our real problem was incompatibility. You wanted someone, you just didn’t want me, and that was the hardest thing to accept by far. But now that I understand it, I have gained a certain kind of sympathy for you. There’s something wonderful in knowing that I can stop torturing myself with questions of what I could have done differently, because my only mistake was being who I am. And you don’t know it, and you never will, but I am pretty great."

A Surprising, But Relaxing Thought

I can feel you slipping away. In my mind that is. Considering you're already gone. I can feel you becoming an after thought. Sometimes an after, after thought. Before you were at the forefront, always. It's a terrible thing to say, but you were. That was your spot for several months. About six if we're going to be exact. That's counting from the very beginning. Until now.

I told my friend you were worth it. I said that. It was the first time I've ever said something like that about you, and it made me question everything. Like are you? Is any of this? Why was I so fast to say that to explain myself. I'm still on the fence about it.

I'm not saying I've forgotten about everything, or that I'm over it yet. I still miss you, everyday. It's just, I was so set on fighting for you, if the time again. If the right amount of time passed and I still felt this way. But my point is, at this rate I feel like I'm not going to. I can't tell what will happen but that's what's been on my mind lately. It's sort of freeing in a way. I mean I was holding on for a reason, cause I couldn't let go of the idea that we could work. I knew we could work. I felt it. It was like I was trapped in thinking that. But having you cross my mind less. Reminds me how I probably don't cross your mind. It makes me feel like I'm finally catching up to the situation.


Either way, everything is going to work out fine.

“You matter as much as the things that matter to you. And I got so backwards trying to matter to him. All this time, there were real things to care about: real, good people who care about me, and this place. It’s so easy to get stuck. You just get caught in being something, being special or cool or whatever, to the point where you don’t even know why you need it; you just think you do.”

-- John Green

“I feel like my life is so scattered right now. Like it’s all the small pieces of paper and someone’s turned on the fan. But, talking to you makes me feel like the fan’s been turned off for a little bit. Like things could actually make sense. You completely unscatter me, and I appreciate that so much.”

- John Green 

I loved this

15 Rookie Mistakes People Make When They Start Dating

15. Giving too many fucks.

If it has been a while and they aren’t putting the effort forth to move the relationship forward, they’re probably just not that into you. Oh? What’s that you say? They still text you and ask to hang out every once in a while?? DOESN’T MATTER. Know why? Because people are fucked up. You’re just something to do until someone better comes along. If that’s the case, be smart enough to walk away. Life’s too short for douche canoes who mess with your head.

Best one. 

“If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don’t write, because our culture has no use for it. The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say.”

—

Anaïs Nin

I guess I'm a unicorn this halloween ?

I already did a halloween costume last week with two of my main homegirls. We did salt tequila and lime. I was salt. It was last minute but we spent the whole day before on it, and it turned out awesomely I'll insert a photo later. Any ways today is actual halloween and my costume is so far from my original idea it's crazy. Up until two days ago I was ready to just throw together a school girl costume. It would be easy, I'd look good, because obviously I'd make it as revealing as possible. Within my comfort level I mean. But then I was scrolling on tumblr, and I came across a gif of Blake Anderson on my dashboard. I was like I'm going to be Blake, it's happening. I texted my friend, she was like oh my god do it.

So point of the story is, my costume this evening is going to be a dude. A hilarious awesome dude, but a dude. It's funny, I was so close to being sucked into that whole idea that halloween is every girls opportunity to look as outrageously sexy as you possibly can, in some outfit you wouldn't normally wear. I'm not saying everyone does this but it's a popular mindset within society, within my generation. And with my salt, I sort of did that. (it was a tshirt turned into a dress) I mean I saw some costumes that were no where near what I had on. Like I'm talking two pieces of cloth. But I digress, my point is my costume isn't going to be flattering, it's not going to show off my shape, make my boobs look big, or my legs look great. And that's okay. I like the idea that I'm okay with not taking what people think of me so seriously. The only reason I'm making a point of this is because no matter where I go tonight, 99.9% of the girls are not going to be dressed like a guy and it's going to make me stand out.

Then it also made me think about an article I read of a male writer explaining that good girls are like unicorns. You can go read that if you want. It's interesting. That literally the only word I have for it, I don't want to say its amazing, or he's a genius. He contradicts himself and it makes it confusing to understand his point but for the most part I get it. It just made me think that what he's saying "all" girls are doing is no where near how I carry myself. Or my mindset. I know he's talking about the majority. But it made me realize how I think I carry myself, and the decisions I make in terms of how I present myself, or live a "yolo" type of deal (ew don't shoot me for saying that). It's different from many other girls. Like instagram, for example, the photos I would post compared to other people. How I dress. Uhm what else, my lifestyle in general, my sex life. All of that, that sort of makes up who I am. He's basically saying girls don't take pride in themselves anymore, and guys can't find anyone to settle down with.

Does this make me a unicorn? Cause me and other girls like me (my friends) exist, we're everywhere. It just doesn't make a difference. Cause I'm still single and guys are still dumb as fuck. The writer says that about guys too. So I'm not bitter, it's true!

I don't want to hold myself up above anyone else, like I'm better than other girls for not feeling like I have to dress a that way, act a certain way, or work to attract a certain type of attention. That's not even it. Because well honestly, I don't care about other girls..

I've just never felt so confident in who I am than I do now. Despite rejection, and despite not being reassured on a daily basis. I know who I am, I know who my friends are. I'm just saying, it's made me realize new things about who I am. That I can laugh at myself, I can do what I want for myself and feel comfortable doing it. Even if it's different than what I see other people doing around me all the time.


(Honestly, if anyone sees me on a daily basis anyway, they would know that I dress like a teenage boy on most days. So this costume is like the closest thing to my comfort zone. )

You need to go after the things you want

One of the most best articles I've probably ever read on though catalog. In terms of speaking to me, and my personal issues. 

Is right here Go read it. 
It's about going after what you want, and not being afraid of being vulnerable and honest, and raw and full of emotion. It's amazingly done, and exactly how I've been feeling. 
To top is all off. It's by one of my favourite writers on the website. Ryan O'Connell. One day I'm going to have the guts to email him and speak to him, cause I love his work so much. 
Anyway I'll give you a little taste if you're not convinced: 

"We need to move away from this constant need of coming across as calm, cool and collected. WE WEREN’T BUILT TO BE CALM, COOL, AND COLLECTED. If we were, it wouldn’t feel so fucking exhausting all the time. It would, you know, come naturally to us. You know what comes naturally to human beings though? Being open, being messy, being raw, being unfiltered, having lots of feelings. Why should we have to stifle our true nature? Let’s go after the things we want, let’s love each other brutally and honestly, and not worry about the consequences. Let’s release the feelings inside of us and let them land somewhere special. Otherwise, we might have a lifetime of longing in front of us. "

Go read the rest. It's crazy because I made a pretty major decision today. Not to do it today. But to work up to it. And then I come across this hours later. It was like literally a sign. I don't know if I believe if signs, but one has never been that obvious to me ever.

I repeat myself a lot. But that's because it's relevant to the moment I'm writing it.

I hate social media. There are very few things about it I actually like. And by very few, I mean Instagram. That's the only thing. Even that I have issues with.

Because you literally can't escape people. Because no one including myself deletes anyone anymore. Therefore someone you're trying not to talk to, or notice or get over, you bet your ass they're seeing every move you make on well in my case, facebook and instagram. And vice versa. The thing is, it's not even done intentionally, because obviously everyone else you know and are cool with follow and we'd want them to see. It always just comes off as being thrown in the other persons (aka my) face. Even though, I need to get over myself and that's not the case. That's what it looks like.

Every time I think I'm doing so awesome, all it takes is seeing a facebook post, or an instagram photo, or an instagram like. By the way, about putting the setting on so people on facebook can see the photos you liked on instagram, it's a terrible idea. I mean I look at them because they're there and it gives me more to lurk, specially on someone I'm trying to get over. But I would never put that on for myself. It exposes you. When naturally not many people would be able to see what you liked, it makes it so the whole world can. So glad that's an option and not mandatory. Also glad this person has it on. Even though, it truly stings a little (a lot?) when he likes terrible terrible photos and mine are apparently not worthy of a double tap. What does a girl gotta do? Are you trying to prove some sort of point? I know, It's sad that I care. It's sad that I'll never know what the hell is up with that.

But back to my main point.

It just hit me how much easier this would be if none of these websites even existed. But than again I'd just be wondering every second what's going on in their life. So do they save me that trouble of those headaches that would come?
Am I complaining about something I'm secretly grateful for?


Nevermind, forget I said anything.

Thank you Shonda Rhimes

I've been binge watching grey's anatomy lately, even though it tears my heart apart, and makes me so emotional, and cry ever other episode. For some reason, it's been keeping my mind at ease. I can't explain it. These are all episodes I've seen before but years ago like I'm talking 2006 so of course it's like watching them for the first time. I only remember the outcomes of all the situations.

Any ways, it keeps my mind pre-occupied. I find when I'm not watching it, I'm thinking about watching it because the alternatives that consume my mind, bring on endless anxiety.

I think I started watching it because I remembered the main characters storyline wanting to be with the man she loves for so long, and how patient she had to be, how strong she had to be, and go crazy at times on her journey where seasons later, she ends up with him. I'm not saying this is something that is happening to me, in the sense that my life will play out that way. Relax, I know that. But sometimes when you're going through a situation, it's nice to read, or watch something that relates closely to it. Not everyone deals with things this way, but it's my go-too method, always. It helps me have a new perspective on it, and it reminds me that I'm not alone. That it'll work out and be okay, even though I know that the person telling the story or in the story, it worked out for them right. So seeing it reminds me, flat out in your face. I will be fine.

I can't force myself to lose feelings for someone or stop wanting what I want. But I can make a decision to stop being so miserable, remember what I deserve, and remember everything will be okay.

One day at a time.

" I just need something to happen, I need a sign that things are going to change. I need a reason to go on, I need some hope. And in the absence of hope, I need to stay in bed and feel like I might die today. "

- greys anatomy

I woke up, so miserable today

" I feel like one of those people who’s so freakin miserable they cant be around normal people, like I’ll infect the happy people. " 

 - greys anatomy s2 ep9

Scratch those nice things I said

My friends are such a disappointment sometimes. I wanted to go to Hoodie Allen for my birthday, long before I wanted to go out for drinks. Anyway, I got my ticket a long time ago. (mistake number one) Because I got my ticket alone, by myself. Hoping my friends would get one too, since they all said they were down and would come cause they want to see him to. So the time comes for the concert, today. And yesterday they both tell me they never got their ticket and they can't come.

I'm furious.

If this was me, if I knew my friend had a ticket. I would feel bad. I would go, because I know they really wanted to go, and I said I would go. This is why I get so fucking mad when people do stupidness like this because I would personally never ever pull it on anyone else. You would think, your friends would have generally the same moral standards as you right?! Believe it or not, thats not the case. I can probably name maybe two or three people I know who have the same courteous, respectful mindset as me.

It literally makes me never want to never ever go to a show with them ever again. Bottom line.

I can't believe this, I've wanted to see him for so long, and I'm giving up an opportunity because they were so last minute to tell me they both can't come. Are you fucking shitting me. Neither of them were even apologetic about it.

UGH I'm stressed already, and wasting money which I pretty much am, because since I'll be getting there late scalping it will be hard, makes me so fucking mad.

If they were super sorry and felt bad and shit I wouldn't be as mad. But they clearly just didn't care and they should have told me that before.

fuck everyone.
everyone.

“I missed you every hour. And you know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. I’d catch myself just walking around to find you, not for any reason, just out of habit, because I’d seen something that I wanted to tell you about or because I wanted to hear your voice. And then I’d realize that you weren’t there anymore, and every time, every single time, it was like having the wind knocked out of me.”

—	Leigh Bardugo, Shadow and Bone

each and everyday

“I’ll never be busy enough to not miss you.”

—

If I think about it hard enough, I could start crying. Still. Each and everyday that has gone by. For the same reason. At first I didn't even have to think hard about it. But now it takes me a several minutes. Is that progress? It makes me sick that I still feel this way. I go from angry, to devastated, to optimistic and back through the cycle again. Constantly.

While you absolutely have no understanding of this going on.
I want to scream at you. 

My Friday night

old episodes of mcdreamy, most of my weekends are spent at home. I love that instagram makes it look like otherwise though. 

An entire day of peace

Today, being home alone for pretty much all of it. I was able to spend more peaceful time in the kitchen. Being in the kitchen alone, is my favourite thing in the world. (fact: when my mom is home she is always always in it) So when I'm in it by myself, I can take my time, not have to listen to anyone else, bring my laptop down and it's sort of relaxing. See! I need to live alone. Anyway, today I baked peanut butter cookies, which turned out delicious. Then tonight for my dinner I made pasta, which turned out actually pretty good. I was shocked. I was guessing for that whole process but I knew it couldn't have been that hard.

I'm proud of myself, because literally the world thinks I'm going to starve and spend all my money buying food if I ever were to move out. Or make eggs every single meal, which I pretty much eat everyday already. But if I want to eat. I'm going to make something to eat, that I feel like eating. People who doubt me, aka family, need to chill out! I'll survive everyone don't worry.

I also want to start going to the gym again, and stay healthy year round. Instead of just starting full throttle when April rolls around for summer. I want to feel good about myself, in every way possible.

something I'm taking very seriously

“It’s important to make someone happy, and it’s important to start with yourself.”

Sidenote: I hate my laptop.

I feel miserable, and lonely. But I also kind of want to be alone all the time. I just don't want to talk to anyone. Majority of the time I'm not in the mood to. It makes me really want to live alone. 

I enjoy it so much when no one else is in the house. Right now 12am (not that late but anyway) my sister is on the phone and these paper thin walls are allowing me to hear her voice and laughing. I'm going to go insane. I'm not even trying to sleep at the moment it just bothers me. I just want silence right now. A lot of uneccessary noise comes from living in this house with my family. A lot. From 5am even, most days. 

I've said this time and time again, but I'm so emotionally, psychologically ready and dying to move out. It's terribly ridiculous how much longer I have to endure waiting till this happens. 

Help, someone buy me an apartment.

This This This

(an excerpt from The Dating Game: A Land of Limbo)

Once the seed of doubt has been planted you can do nothing but face it head on and ask him ‘What is this?!’ And maybe you already know deep down what it is, and that’s why you don’t want to ask. Or maybe you would prefer to carry on in sweet oblivion, but it’s futile, trust me. Once you start thinking where it might be going there’s no way to just carry on going how you are. He’s either in it or he’s not, and if he’s not then you gotta run. Your time, energy and emotions are valuable things and it’s VITAL you choose how you spend them well. As much as you may tell yourself going along with something that you know fine well isn’t going anywhere is, well, fine – whether you may think you want it to or not and whether that’s due to time constraints, emotional unavailability or a serious case of committaphobia – you’ve got to really think how much it is worth it for you to carry on blindly, hopefully and, I hate to say it, foolishly. You’re worth so much more than that. If you feel your emotional integrity and your self-worth are being compromised in a game of uncertainty that shifts temperature between hot, cold and lukewarm, then you have GOT to acknowledge the danger signs of emotional unavailability and remove yourself from the situation.

Someone should want to be with you 100%, even if that 100% doesn’t immediately come with a guarantee of longevity. If someone isn’t in it with two feet, are just content to dabble their foot in the pool when they feel like it then you are missing a crucial thing that should be part of any intimate relationship, official or not, and that’s consistency. I’m not saying they need to be ready to dive into the deep end straight away, but they have at least got to be fully immersed in the shallow end. And I’m not saying that consistency necessarily means you need to be texting constantly, but you need to be comfortable in yourself amidst your times of non-communication that the situation is stable and constant and if you’re not then something is wrong, and you gotta figure that shit out. Why are you feeling insecure? Have you put expectations on this guy that are unfounded? What do you want from this situation? Can you even talk about it with him?! And if you can’t then you’ve got to get yourself to a point where you can. Be clear, be honest and be truthful in your expectations. If they don’t match his then talk about it, try figure it out but never be someone’s emotional doormat.

Everyone’s confused, everyone has their own emotional baggage to deal with, but if you are grown up enough to engage in a one-on-one intimate relationship with another person, consistently, then you should sure as hell be grown up enough to discuss with them your insecurities and issues.

If you feel you are bruised from a previous relationship and not ready to commit then simply DO NOT put yourself out there under a facade of emotional availability for someone to come along and fall into. It’s just not fair. Casual sex and hookups are all fine and well but to actively pursue someone knowing you aren’t able to offer anything, even potentially, is not right. So boys, for crying out loud, save us both the hassle and sort yourself out before you ask me on that drinks date please?


- so relevant soo so relevant

It's okay to be alone.

I feel like there is a lot going on right now. With school, work, my psychological well being, not being able to sleep.. etc
I'm for the first time, finding a real benefit to being alone. Having to confide and handle this all on my own, will only make me a stronger person I know that. When I was with my ex-boyfriend, he was there for me every step of the way, and I was able to lean on him when things got the slightest bit tough, to being the worst possible scenarios. Now, I have friends around me, but it's never the same as having that companion and partner around so that's what I mean when I say I'm alone. I don't have that safety blanket, that escape, that comfort any more the same way I used to. I have to learn to handle what issues I have, on my own with little or not help from anyone. I'm going to have to get used to this if I want to broaden my horizons in the future.

A thoughtcatalog article I read today was about
 31 Things That Are More Important Than Being In A Relationship Right Now. It was enlightening, so I will share some of the things I found on it
9. Not settling for less than what you know you need out of life.
15. Being genuinely proud of the person you are or committing to the person you want to become.
16. Taking new opportunities to learn and grow, as you remember that life is a long process of constant education.
21. Being okay with the connections that don’t last and enjoying the time you get to spend with people for what it is.
24. Standing by your decisions, even your bad choices and your mistakes, knowing that we can’t grow unless we fuck up sometimes
28. Knowing what your boundaries and limits are — the things you’re okay with and what makes you feel uncomfortable.
29. Your lifelong romance with Chipotle and Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.
30. Allowing yourself to get angry when you need to let your feelings out and having someone to talk to when you need comfort or a sounding board. Just because we’re alone doesn’t mean we have to be lonely.
31. Never being afraid to want more or demand more.

I want to achieve these things, while I'm still young and able to comfortably take my time being single. I want to gain these things out of life, at whatever pace it comes because that is when I'll be okay with being by myself. Currently I'm always in a state of panic. I find myself constantly in need of feeling like there's a problem if I'm not in a relationship, or I'm not seeing someone or talking to someone. Nothing is wrong with that. This is the first time in a long time, I'm not talking to anyone, or in a relationship and I can't say it's the most amazing time. But I'm going to find ways to make the best of it, and be happy no matter what. I can't say, it's the first time I don't have feelings for someone because I do. That's what makes it harder to get rid of the notion that being single is a problem because I want to be with a specific person. Having feelings is okay, they will either pass with time or subside but I need to let it be, and focus on myself.

These are things that are so incredibly obvious, and have been told to me before. I've been lectured on this from a close family friend but I was never ready to do anything about it, or listen. Me not listening? what's new right. But now I'm going to get my shit together, for myself. Not anyone else.

There are so many other bigger and worse fish in my life to fry, like all the assignments I'm pushing to the corner and ignoring.

“Sometimes the door closes on a relationship, not because we failed but because something bigger than us says this no longer fits our life. So, lock the door, shed a tear, turn around and look for the new door that’s opened. It’s a sign that you’re no longer that person you were, it’s time to change into who you are. It’s going to be okay.”

— Lee Goff