I'm not okay, I'm just not.

I still feel really weird. I can't put a finger on if I'm sad, or upset, or angry, or confused, or hopeful, or it's low self-esteem or disappointment. It's all of these things. How my feelings are broken down and as to which I feel more or less I couldn't tell you. 

Anyone notice I didn't put happy up there on that list? 

I'm trying the whole fake it till I make it deal with that emotion. If I just keep portraying I'm okay? I eventually will be? That's how I've heard it works. But I spend more time alone then I do pretending to be happy for anyone, so that's a negative. 

I just want to feel okay with the way things turned out. I want to be able to accept it. I want to believe, everything happens for a reason and all that bullshit. So I can stop checking my phone, so I can stop thinking about him, or it. So I can stop beating myself up, or thinking it's all going to change and go back.

I 100% understand why I should let it go, I understand the mindset I need to be in to let it go. But mentally I just haven't been able to, and it's killing me.