my best friend literally, never agrees on any guy that I find attractive. Or how I met them or started talking to them because I go about it in ballsy ways, I admit. I don't care at all. I don't like someone, in hopes for someone else's approval. BUT, she is extremely lucky, I can handle her harsh words.

No Control

“Sometimes when you meet someone, there’s a click. I don’t believe in love at first sight but I believe in that click. Recognition.”
— Ann Aguirre

A post or two back I mentioned, that sometimes it just doesn't click for another person. This quote I just came across is exactly what I'm talking about. And explains something I whole heartedly believe in. That click is annoying though. I'm not holding it up as some amazing thing because no matter what, that click stays on for pretty much ever. I mean, you can say that you've clicked it off, that it's not there any more. But that's a lie. Not only that, but I believe it happens with more than one person, another reason why it can be annoying. Lastly, it's not always reciprocated. That feeling should diminish if this is the case right? wrong. It doesn't. Don't get me wrong, it can also be amazing and exciting. I'm truly not that big of a pessimist at all I promise. As much as I hate smacking the ground when I fall, I'm the first person to take the leap.

truer words have never been spoken.

“If you’re dating a writer and they don’t write about you — whether it’s good or bad — then they don’t love you. They just don’t. Writers fall in love with the people we find inspiring.”

—	Jamie Anne Royce

My number one supporter.

I don't really have much to say right now. But I'm in the mood to write. Well actually I'm in the mood to do something really creative but I feel like stuck. Like I have no idea how I want to go about it, or anything and writing is the easiest creative outlet for me so that brings me here.

My dad is actually the more supportive and understanding older person ever. Not even bringing this up because father's day just happened. He's always been the most awesome dad ever. I don't need to post an instagram photo, or facebook status that he won't even see, telling everyone that. Anyway, I told him about my dream to move across the country when I finished school on Saturday (before father's day anyway) and he said as long as I can support myself I can live anywhere I want. It was an answer I was expecting from him to be honest, he would never tell me no to something like that, but it was also an answer that brought a smile to my face and made me so proud to like be his daughter. That he believes in me, that I can make this happen and he's behind me every step of the way, I'm just so fucking thankful. Not to mention, the big fat juicy NO I would have received if I told my mom that made it all the more sweeter. The funny thing is, she would interpret it as a question, and say no. When in actuality, I'm not asking her at all. It's a statement, a decision.

So we're just going to put that conversation off for a long time. Since it doesn't need to happen any time soon.

I'm also feeling very useless not working right now. Like incredibly useless. As a human being, apart of society I feel like a fucking waste of space. Work literally does give you purpose, I always thought of it as a pain in the ass but it made me feel like I was contributing something to the world. Now I just rot at home, applying to jobs and watching netflix. It's truly disgusting.

I can't wait for all of this to pass. What helps me handle it is thinking that five or so years from now, I'll look back at this shitty point in my life, and smile that I got through it and think, I knew it! I knew I would make it through it all.

I mean that's what I keep imagining.. I'm no psychic though.

Im going to be an author, I have no other choice.

When you you're friendzoned but you build up everything they do, to make you feel awesome in your head. And you think that maybe there's a chance! But at the end of the day you're still in the friendzone, and you can keep trying but there is literally nothing you can do about it. If it doesn't click for them it doesn't click. 

This is the story of my life. 

I'm going to write a book about how often this happens. I've told my friends and they think it's an awesome idea. 

Titled: Boys who don't like me. 

Volume 2: me and my friends and the boys who still don't like us. 

At first it was a joke but I might totally fucking do it. I need to start keeping track though, and wait till I'm later twenties for some real content. 

the most interesting way to look at it

“How can you say you love one person when there are ten thousand people in the world that you would love more if you ever met them? But you’ll never meet them. All right, so we do the best we can. Granted. But we must still realize that love is just the result of a chance encounter.”
— Charles Bukowsk

First Stop, West Coast!

All the time I read, and see about all these people with careers, accomplishments, and just overall personalities and minds that I look up to that have experienced so much. I want that for myself and I'm totally going to make it happen. If I promise anything myself it is to make sure I commit to my desire to do experience as much as I can while I can.

What I'm getting at is, my serious and important decision when I'm finished school to move to Vancouver. No matter what. There is going to be nothing keeping me in the GTA. I say this because who knows what life will be like in the next few years but it'll be nothing that will hinder me from expanding my horizons.

I pick Vancouver because it is one place of Canada I am absolutely dying to visit, and it is still in Canada so I can feel a little like I'm kind of at home. It just seems like a good first place to start this re-locating-freedom-journey that I'm going to start for myself. Other places I hope to spend significant amounts of time are Europe, literally, anywhere literally. Just to be over there will complete me. Then probably Australia or New Zealand along with parts of South Africa.

Note no place in America is on this list. Yeah, that's on purpose. I don't mind vacationing there at all, but to actually live there. I would never do. For multiple upon multiple reasons. It's just not the place for me. I know there are many things I can experience on a more amazing scale in Tokya, Dubai, Bankok, etc than I ever would in America too. Do your research folks! America aint got nothing on the over seas.

Anyways, I've mentioned time and time again that I'm dying to move out. Which I plan to, before school ends for at least a semester or two. That's going to be amazing, don't get me started on how perfect life will be at that point. But after that I want to do much more. A change of scenery is very necessary.

These are things that are only going to happen if I start to really envision it and take it seriously and from this day forward I am going to do that. I know I can do this because, I don't even know what the term "home sick" is, that has never applied to me. I'm independent enough to survive, and most the time I'm pretty content with being alone. I can handle the periods of time I will have no friends. I'm not oblivious to this fact, that this will happen and I will spend a lot of time alone. And that's okay. I'll either make friends eventually and be a part of the communities I live in or I won't, but all I can say right now is that I'm going to try.

Delete Contact

If we're going to be really honest right now. I have done this on more than one occasion. Obviously since we're at this point again, it didn't work. This time I'm giving myself the mental freedom and committing to this decision. Fully and whole heartedly. It's just time.

When you're around I turn into this desperate, stressed, un-easy, insecure, and incomplete person. It's disgusting and my growth as a person takes ten thousand steps back. All because of you. No matter what you say or do, I'm always going to become this person that I hate. It's never going to change. So what's going to change is me having no more chances to give you, the chances that allow you to have your little ego boost and satisfaction from knowing I've held onto these feelings for you.

God forbid, I let anyone else come along and put me through this same thing again. That doesn't even worry me, I've learned an incredible amount for you. Which I thank you for, really. I'm still super young, and I have so much time to apply these lessons. I'm actually thankful.

I've learned, its not the end of the world when my hearts broken, or my love, respect and care is so strongly unappreciated or not reciprocated. I've learned there are other people in the world who can and want to make me happy. I learned just cause I can't fucking move on, doesn't mean that fantasy in my head is the way things are supposed to be. I learned missing you, is a part of moving on, not a subliminal message that you should continue to be in my life. I learned that I'm amazing, in every single god damn way, and no man or woman should make me feel less. I learned not to have another person, be the weight behind my happiness, which means just because I can't have them and they don't want me doesn't mean I can turn into a miserable little sad girl.

I'm twenty now. Twenty one this year. I'm not the person I was when all of this started. Therefore I should continue to become the confident, strong, smart person I'm turning into, each and everyday and take the steps necessary in order for me to succeed as best I can in doing this.


No looking back, love where you're going.  

Stressed.

I'm so stressed about life. And I honestly haven't been sleeping much because of it. 

It's terrible. I feel like everything is just like falling apart.. Kind of, in a way.